The Fifth Edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is up over at Survivors can Thrive today. Once again it looks like there quite a bit of good writing going on, as usual.
Next month's edition will be hosted right here, so start thinking about submissions!
I've been thinking about this recently, and I'm convinced that this is one area of life that I'm just never going to be normal about. I know that a touch is a very powerful, emotional connection. I touch and am touched by my wife all the time, for that very reason. I also know, in theory, that it's truly a powerful connection even outside of a romantic setting. A comforting hug, a pat on the back, an empathetic touch of the arm, etc. is a much more affective way to communicate with someone in any circumstance.
But, for me, the act of touching someone, or being touched by someone is completely messed up. I consider myself normal in two situations. I love sharing a touch with my wife, and I'm not really comfortable with people I don't know very well touching me. I don't think those are unique to me, or in any way tied to being a survivor. But it's the in-between situations that are a mess for me. I cringe at the touch of any male, and while I don't cringe at the touch of any female who I'm friends with, it makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable, as if it was somehow inappropriate for them to touch me, even though I know, logically, that it really isn't. Of course, I take that same level of uncomfort into touching people as well. There have been numerous times when I've really struggled to be a source of support to someone, to find the right words to say, when an empathetic touch could have communicated what I didn't have words to say. I couldn't find it within me to do that, though.
And here, we're not talking about truly inappropriate touching either, we're talking about the kinds of touching that people have been doing to their friends and loved one's for centuries. I can't seem to bring my logical thoughts on the subject to match the realities of what a touch makes me feel. I'm saddened by that.
I can't help but feel like I'm missing something. Moreover, I can't help but feel like I should get over this and see a simple touch as just that, simple. But a touch is never simple to a sexual abuse survivor, is it?
Emily had an interesting comment to that post about repeating abuse. Go ahead, read it.
Her comment left me thinking, but without any real answers. Why are men more likely to repeat abuse? What is it about being abused as a child for a man that makes it more likely to turn around and abuse? I've read the same statistics she has, and while it's been a long time since I actively worried about being accused of abuse based solely on those statistics, I wonder if I'll worry about it as my nephew and neices get older and I spend time with them without their parents.
I know I wouldn't abuse them, or any other kids, so it is difficult for me to really answer the question about why men are more likely to repeat it. I have theories, much like Emily's, but no real concrete ideas.
What ideas do you have?
As I'm sure you all know, I'm very interested in the idea of leveraging technology when it comes to spreading the word about child abuse, whether that be by getting the facts out in the open, or making sure that survivors know they are not alone. That's why I have this site. That's also why when I was listening to an episode of a tech podcast called Valid Syntax the other day, and heard Kreg mention a show called Missingalert.com that I jotted down a note to take a look at that. Well, tonight I finally did that, and found a very interesting idea. Using all sorts of new technology, including a PC-Desktop alerter, website modules, audio and video podcasts, to spread the word about missing children. As you know, you never know who is going to come in contact with a missing or abducted child. The more people are aware that someone's missing, the more likely those random chance sightings can turn into a child being home. I like the idea of trying to leverage new technologies to make that happen. (Obviously, I have the amber alert bar at the top of this site, so it's something I support. I may just have to look at adding this, or at least grabbing the video podcast.
Michael left a comment and asked an interesting question:
Question for you: in order to sort of immunize myself from being an abusive person (you know that victims often become victimizers -- scary but common statistic) what are the best steps?
I had been verbally abusive and nearly physically abusive to my ex-spouse and baby daughter, and even though everything is literally amazing right now with the two of them, I just want to keep taking steps to make sure I'm okay and they're okay.
I don't want to "fall asleep on the job" just to have the wrong set of circumstances set me off. What are some links to some preventative medicine against becoming an abuser.
I suppose just being part of a community of people who understand helps. People to talk with who will understand and stand by you. Know of anything like that?
It's been a couple of days since he left this comment and I haven't responded yet. Part of that was just being busy, but part of it was also a desire to mull it over a bit. I'm still not really sure how to answer his question, simply because I'm a bit vague on the concept, to be honest.
Not that I haven't seen the same statistics and have a general understanding of why the stats are what they are. But from a personal perspective, I really have no idea. All the rage, anger and hatred that came from my own abuse was always directed inward. I never considered myself a threat to other people around me, I was a threat to myself first and foremost. I've never been one to lose my temper in public, or throw violent fits. I've been one to self-destruct in private. :)
That being said, the rage and anger is similar and I can only imagine that the same things that have helped me learn not to be self-destructive would help someone stay "on the job", as it were, regarding being abusive towards other. Namely, learning how to accept myself, and how to accept life. Learning that there are very few things in life that I can control, and that I should concentrate on those rather than frustrating myself trying to control things that cannot be, learning how to make healthy decisions, and learning how to be happy with my life. Those are the things that keep me balanced, and awake on my own job. What other ideas have you guys got?
I saw this morning over at Pysch Central that Thursday, Oct. 5th is National Depression Screening Day.
Follow the link and read more about it, and find out who should seriously consider being screened, whether on-line or in person.
As a personal note, this is incredibly important. Depression is a serious problem, it can be debilitating, and even deadly if not treated, but with a proper screening, you can get help before it reaches that point. If you suspect that you, or someone you know, may be suffering from depression, please take advantage of this time to seek out help.