Child Abuse Survivor

Book Review: Altar Boy by Andrew Madden

(ed. Another review from our English friend, who adds: you can still read the intro on Amazon's British site, don't know if the American side has the same;
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Altar-Story-Homosexual-Catholic-church/dp/1844880397/ref=pd_ys_iyr3)

Though we’ve read and watched a lot of newspaper and documentary reports on the subject, I find it hard to relate to religiously organised, systematic child abuse as happened in the Catholic Church in either Ireland or elsewhere in the world, if that wasn't the specific circumstance of your abuse then it takes books like these to even give you an idea.

However that does not limit the book’s potential audience at all, giving a firsthand victim’s-eye view of what such abuse can do to a previously solid and unquestioning faith. What Altar Boy does show is that the indecent assault end of the abuse spectrum can become just as damaging as the more extreme kind as depicted in Cry Silent Tears by Jo Peters.

However, Madden didn’t let himself remain a victim, the book depicts his taking on the Church with the help of the media including The British Sunday Times newspaper but, once the legal action was done, we also read of the process by which he got back on with life afterwards, mistakes included.

He’s also upfront about the effects of abuse with regard to his own use of alcohol and trying his best to hold together his relationship(s). He explains his feelings as a child at the time with no self-pity and how his relationship(s) turn out is a grace of god issue, in that we couldn’t really judge what we would do under the same circumstances.

There is no fairytale ending, just pragmatism about getting on with life. The book is short and sweet (212 paperback pages) from this respect. Altar Boy is another abuse memoir where the kid on the cover is the author as a child, rather than a model and even though it’s five years old, it remains as relevant in the face of the change of Pope and the Church’s own efforts to be just a little more open on the issue (whatever you think of their efforts so far).

So it keeps selling, despite newer memoirs on the market, because it’s still relevant. Certainly give it a look in your library at the very least, because Penguin gave it the worldwide promotional treatment from launch

Book Review: Cry Silent Tears

(ed. Our intrepid Brit book reviewer has been busy, sending me a couple of book reviews for the site this week. This is the first, I'll post the second within the next few days. As always, if you're interested in submitting a similar review, drop me a line.)

Andrew Crofts has helped another Brit male abuse survivor, Joe Peters, complete his first memoir, Cry Silent Tears. It’s taking nothing away from the power of Peters’ story that Crofts has turned Peters’ words into another book which can be speed-read in three hours, or taken section by section – I read its 300 hardback pages overnight and it’s as page-turning a read as Tears Before Bedtime.

Peters’ history starts with the background to his family which he believes points to much of his childhood thereafter. We read of the loss of his father as witnessed at five years old which would be a heavy trauma for any child, in fact he was struck dumb and eventually needed speech therapy to begin talking again. However, the bereavement marked the resumption of physical violence from his mother throughout his childhood and also the start of a catalogue of sexual abuse from his de facto stepfather, two siblings and a succession of other pedophiles, some known to the family and others, at the height of his abuse, in an organized child porn ring.

When told about a child condemned to living in a cellar for being perceived as different (or the runt), modern people of all ages will have only read about that as the start of a Harry Potter book or classic fairytale. For Joe Peters it was the very bleak, unrelenting, nightmarish, real thing. His only elder sibling at the time who wasn’t abusive, still let Joe down in other ways when he needed him most. Further losses and abandonment of early relationships happen through the transfer of schools and the 1980s UK social care system. Childline helped him though only in a roundabout way, the care did not continue consistently or with any insight into the needs of a teenage male abuse victim.

What you read about Peters’ mother and her treatment of the abuse as a business stays in the mind for a long time, even despite the fact that Joe Peters survived and thrived to forge a happy adult life. The book ends abruptly in adolescence, pointing the way to the second book which he is currently writing. Since it’s important to know the steps taken to recover, I’ll definitely purchase the follow-up when it arrives.

The website for the book outlines the work by and for survivors which he is currently in the process of setting up and that can be found at http://www.crysilenttears.co.uk

( OR http://www.freewebs.com/crysilenttears/ as a direct link if it doesn’t auto forward. The site links to a free sample of the introduction to the book on the publisher’s website.)

Leaving Behind Beauty

Something in Douglas Welch's latest Career Opportunities column about Ugliness and Beauty struck a chord with me. In it Douglas urges his readers to consider their daily actions and whether they are creating beauty in them or ugliness.

Recently I have had reason to communicate with a few folks at work that I normally don't get to interact with very often. Back when I worked at the Help Desk, it was quite common to work with them, but in the year I've been working Litigation Support, the number of people I work closely with is much smaller. Many of the secretaries or non-litigation staff who I used to talk to regularly and enjoyed chatting with, I simply don't see very often.

After discussing this fact with a couple of them I came to two realizations. One, I needed to make an effort to get out of my office more. Not that I need to blow off work or go interrupt other people when they are working, but we work in an environment that is cordial and friendly, so it wouldn't hurt me to spend a few minutes simply walking up the stairs, and through a hallway or two instead of sending things in the interoffice mail. That would give me more possibilities to pass folks in the hallway, or walk past their desks and get the chance to say a quick hello.

The second realization is the one that really fits in with what Douglas was talking about. I don't have as many interactions with people as I used to, that makes it imperative that I leave behind something when I get the opportunity to. It's the difference between a friendly "hello, how are you?", with a friendly smile and just being lost in your own world and hurrying past everyone. I'm lost in my own thoughts too often. Heck, I'm lost in my own thoughts and in my own office too often!

I challenge you to think about the daily interactions you have with people, and how you can make them have more beauty.

A week's worth of photos took me a week to post

Yes, it's true, I finally have worked my way through all the photos from last week's vacation and have them posted to Flickr. You can see the week on the Archives over there. Not only are there a bunch from DC but also from Old Town Alexandria, HarpersFerry, WV, and the Antietam and Gettysburg battlefields.

Next up are the handful of photos I took at Race for the Cure with my cell phone today. We'll see if any of them are worthy candidates. We had a good time doing the 5K and I want to say thanks to all my family and friends who helped me raise $225 towards what appears to have been a $2 million dollar day for the Komen foundation.

Disenfranchised Grief

This afternoon, one of the folks I follow on Twitter regularly, Jennifer Leggio, wrote a blog post about the loss of her father. Even though she hadn't seen him in 30 years, his death was hard on her:

Because over the last year I've had one too many people say to me, "If you hadn't seen him, how can you miss him?" The loss, with it being a loss of hope, is intangible. It's what they call "ambiguous loss and disenfranchised grief." It's the kind of grief that one experiences when the situation is not cut and dry and perhaps others cannot understand the loss. But it is real.

Interestingly, as soon as I read it, I did understand exactly what she was talking about, but I have to admit that hasn't always been true. I've heard many survivors of childhood abuse, including myself, dismiss the pain of not having a "normal" childhood by suggesting we didn't know what we were missing, so it's ok.

It's not ok. While certainly on one level there is some truth to the statement, I can't miss a happy childhood the way we typically understand missing something, because I never had it to have it taken away, there is a healthy grief and maybe even a bit of mourning that should take place in our lives. I can't "miss" the happy childhood that I have no experience of, but can certainly grieve for it. I can grieve for strong family relationships that I never had, the love and protection that was missing from my childhood. In fact, I grieve those things more and more as I grow older, and understand what I missed out on a deeper level.

So, Jennifer, you go right ahead and grieve for your father, even if you never really knew him. You may not miss him in the traditional sense, but his death marks the end of any chance that you would some day, and that is worthy of your grief.

Fellow survivors, the same is true of our childhoods, and our relationships. We may not know what we're missing, but we can certainly mourn that fact by itself.

Plenty of Practice for Race for the Cure

Back from our vacation. We had a good time in Washington, DC, Harpers Ferry, Antietam and Gettysburg. I'm still working on getting all the photos processed an online, but there are a few over on Flickr for now.

We definitely did quite a bit of walking. I should be in good shape for Saturday's Race for the Cure 5k walk. Remember, if you want to make a donation to support the cause, and my efforts, you can do that easily online. All donations are greatly appreciated!

Just 6 more days!

One Thing at a Time

Obviously, things have been a little busy in the life of Mike lately. Actually, it's not so much that things have been busy that's kept me away from this blog, it's the overwhelming number of considerations that have kept my mind occupied on things other than writing about being a survivor.

So, I haven't had much to say about things, but lately I've been thinking that I need to stop letting my thoughts be preoccupied with things that may or may not occur. I can only do one thing at a time. I should only be focused on the one thing I'm doing. The rest will still be there, whether I spend time thinking about it or not, I should save my mental energy to work on what's in front of me.

So, for tomorrow it's work, then a wedding rehearsal dinner. Saturday will be finishing up packing for vacation before heading to my brother's wedding. Sunday we'll be hitting the road for vacation. There's many other things that'll be going on during that time, but we'll worry about that when we get back. There are events to be enjoyed, and memories to be made. No sense ruining those worrying about something I can't do anything about right now.