This afternoon, one of the folks I follow on Twitter regularly, Jennifer Leggio, wrote a blog post about the loss of her father. Even though she hadn't seen him in 30 years, his death was hard on her:
Because over the last year I've had one too many people say to me, "If you hadn't seen him, how can you miss him?" The loss, with it being a loss of hope, is intangible. It's what they call "ambiguous loss and disenfranchised grief." It's the kind of grief that one experiences when the situation is not cut and dry and perhaps others cannot understand the loss. But it is real.
Interestingly, as soon as I read it, I did understand exactly what she was talking about, but I have to admit that hasn't always been true. I've heard many survivors of childhood abuse, including myself, dismiss the pain of not having a "normal" childhood by suggesting we didn't know what we were missing, so it's ok.
It's not ok. While certainly on one level there is some truth to the statement, I can't miss a happy childhood the way we typically understand missing something, because I never had it to have it taken away, there is a healthy grief and maybe even a bit of mourning that should take place in our lives. I can't "miss" the happy childhood that I have no experience of, but can certainly grieve for it. I can grieve for strong family relationships that I never had, the love and protection that was missing from my childhood. In fact, I grieve those things more and more as I grow older, and understand what I missed out on a deeper level.
So, Jennifer, you go right ahead and grieve for your father, even if you never really knew him. You may not miss him in the traditional sense, but his death marks the end of any chance that you would some day, and that is worthy of your grief.
Fellow survivors, the same is true of our childhoods, and our relationships. We may not know what we're missing, but we can certainly mourn that fact by itself.
The April edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is up!
As always it looks like there's a bunch of good stuff to read over there, so go check it out!
I saw mention of this month's Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse
and this month's host's words about it:
We all know that abuse thrives on secrecy; the purpose of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is to speak openly about the prevalence of such abuse, and its devastating aftermath.
I find this to be very true, but incomplete.
Certainly, there needs to be as much attention drawn to the victims of abuse and the effects of the abuse as we are able to and I absolutely applaud the effort. But the other thing I want this blog, and the community of survivors, to speak openly about is the fact that there is life after the abuse. We are all survivors, we are all in different stages of our healing, but we are healing. We are living lives with all of the ups and downs, struggles and joy, as everyone else.
Being a survivor is a challenge, and healing from childhood abuse is a struggle, don't let anyone kid you about that. What it's not, is a death sentence. There is hope, there is joy, and there is life. It may be a long, rough tunnel, and the light at the end of it may seem dim now but it is there. Survivors need to know that, and they should hear it from us.
There was an excellent post over at Lifehack today called Living Scared, which talked at length about the how and why of fear, and how living with too much fear can be detrimental to our own happiness. I won't go into much detail, go read it for yourself.
The one thing I will say is this. For Survivors, fear is a huge issue. I'd be willing to bet that most of us would list this as the top of all of our struggles. In fact, when I was reading in the post about how many people as so afraid of change, and so comfortable with their life the way it is now, even though it doesn't make them happy, I immediately thought of survivors. We're so desperate for a sense of control, a sense of "normal", that we gladly accept whatever that means. It may not be great, in fact it may not make us happy at all, but we're comfortable with it, and there's something to be said for that.
There is something to be said for that, certainly abuse survivors need a sense of safety, and comfort, but the goal of your healing shouldn't be just that. Trust me, I understand that is a lot of progress, getting to "comfortable" was a huge step up from where I was at one time. But it's not enough. There's more to life than that. There are so many wonderful and exciting things to experience in life, and I want to learn to be less fearful, to have the courage to go out and do great things. I can't do that by accepting things just because it's what I know.
In the end, I didn't work this hard, and come this far, and go through all the crap I went through just to live a boring, unhappy existence. I need to remind myself of this daily, if not hourly! It is so easy for me to simply stick with what I know, instead of seeking out what will bring meaning and happiness to my life. I need to remember that the things I'm fearful of, failing, criticism, or big changes, aren't worse than what I've already survived. I will survive them as well.
I've been in Chicago at ABA Techshow, so I didn't get a chance to submit anything beforehand, and haven't been over to read any of the submissions this month, but, as always, it looks like there's some great stuff over at the carnival.
Now, I've never been one to say you shouldn't worry a little about what kids are doing online, just as you shouldn't worry a little and be careful about what they're doing anywhere they are. I've also never been one to buy the hype about how the internet is just full over predators and nothing else for kids.
Turns out, maybe there's something to the fact that the internet is not any more dangerous that any other gathering place for kids. I'm not the only one saying that the fear is largely unfounded.
Again, like I said, you want to be involved with what your kids are doing, but just because there was a big story on the news about Myspace or some other internet site, it probably isn't really any more dangerous than anywhere else your kids go.
This actually came in as a comment on a previous post. When I read it to decide whether to approve it or not, I thought that it wasn't really related to that post, but it certainly was related to the blog overall, so instead of keeping it with that post, I'm posting it here.
If you're interested in taking a look, and providing some feedback, please do!
I am not an abuse survivor myself, but I have created an online role-playing course which you may find interesting. It helps school teachers rehearse talking to a child whom they suspect of being abused.
As many abuse books attest, it's not easy to handle a conversation like this. Abused children are scared to talk, for good reason. Yet teachers are legally required to report "reasonable suspicion" of signs of child abuse. I'd be interested in feedback on this course. Anyone can go through the free trial (120+ pages of interactive dialogue) at http://www.hownottotalk.com/abuse. Help us make it better. Let us know if this course is helpful. Thank you!
It's up over at Survivor's Can Thrive. From my first glimpse, it looks like there is a ton of good stuff to read over there. Maybe more than I'll have time for!
Check it out!
Tags: CarnivalAgainstChildAbuse
Ever since Marj mentioned that she was giving this month's edition of the Carnival Against Child Abuse a love theme, I've been struggling with what I wanted to say about love. Obviously, with tomorrow being Valentine's Day, the idea of romantic love is in the air, but that is only really part of love. A small part at that. I'm lucky, I have a wonderful wife to share that kind of love with every day, so while the day is a nice chance to show my appreciation for her love, I don't love her more on this particular day that I do every other day of the year. The day really isn't that big a deal.
On the other hand, love is a big deal. Even if you're not lucky enough to have a spouse or partner who you will be growing old with, it's important to have love in your life, wherever it comes from. Not necessarily romantic love, again, that's only a small part of the love that plays such an important part in our lives. The love of family and friends is equally, if not more, crucial to survivors.
Most crucial of all, of course, is love of yourself. For survivors this is a huge struggle. We don't often see ourselves as lovable. We don't look in the mirror and see movie star good looks, don't judge our character to be upstanding, know there are always smarter and more talented people around, etc. But I'm here to tell you, that's not love at all.
One of the best definitions I've ever heard of real love, I heard many, many years ago in a church teaching. The speaker was talking about the classic Biblical passage about love (Love is patient, Love is kind, Love believes all things, etc....) and was specifically talking about the idea that so many people tell him they don't love themselves. He disagreed. He finds very few people in the world don't love themselves if you get down to the core of what love is. His response when someone talks about not loving themselves was this "Did you shower today? Brush your teeth, have some breakfast?". If you did, you love yourself.
At the very core of love, is meeting needs. You love yourself by taking care of yourself. The only people in this world who don't love themselves, are the people who don't meet their own needs. I was one of those people when I was in the midst of major depression, because I didn't believe I was worth taking care of.
By the same token, the people who truly love you, are the people who are there to help you meet your needs. Again, be they a spouse, partner, family member or friend, they show love by being there to help. Friends, and family members, who only strive to take from you, don't love you in any deeper sense.
If you take anything away from this rambling, let it be this. Loving yourself isn't about heaping praise on yourself, or repeating phrases. It's about understanding that you are as worthy of being taken care of as any one else in this world. Any tool that detracts from that core goal, is useless, in my book. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do in life and should be the main focus of every day. If you get up, go to work, feed yourself, clothe yourself, etc. then you are loving yourself. It's not warm and fuzzy, but love isn't hardly just the warm and fuzzy stuff.
Secondly, to really love someone is to look out for their needs. To be ready and willing to help them however you can. Again, it's not about the warm and fuzzy stuff. I love my wife. I do that by taking care of myself, taking care of my work so that I have a job to help pay our bills, listening when she needs to talk, laughing when she is silly, crying when she's in pain, just generally trying to help her be the person she wants to be in any little way that I can. Very few of those things give me a warm and fuzzy feeling. I don't get a warm and fuzzy feeling every time I pay our rent, help one of her friends with a computer problem, straighten up around the house, or help her run errands on a weekend. I assume she doesn't either when she comes home and starts dinner, or spends an evening ironing. Those aren't highlight-reel moments in our relationship, but they involve just as much love as Valentine's Day, a wedding day, anniversaries, etc. In fact, I would argue they involve even more love, because in those moments, we are doing the things we need to do to take care of us. That's the core foundation of love. Not the gifts, cards, poems, candlelight, or other romantic tricks of the trade. The every day work and thought that goes in to meeting needs.
This month, as survivors, let's strive to do three things, in this order. See ourselves as worthy of our having needs met, learning how to take care of ourselves, and striving to love other people, by giving them what they need from us.
Annaleigh has the first Carnival Against Child Abuse of 2008 posted over at her site.
As always, looks like there are a number of good ideas and interesting things to read. Go take a look and if you have a blog, please consider contributing to one of the future editions. The more the merrier!
This was just a part of an email someone sent me the other day, and I wanted to share it with you.
I also want to say that your wife Angela must be an amazing woman.
You speak of her often, and the love you have for her shines through your words. You know how when you read written words, you actually hear yourself saying them silently. I was to a point where I came to your wife's name.... Angela, and to myself I said 'Angel'. Then I corrected myself, and read Angela..... and just then, I thought...... to Mike, she is
~His Angel~.
It made me happy to see that without having to get too sappy in my writing someone can see how much my wife means to me. I've never been a big proponent of having the right wife, husband, boyfriend, etc. be an important part of healing yourself as a survivor, because I did a lot of healing before she came along, and I believe each of us has the ability to do that work in ourselves. I don't need Angela to be healthy.
On the other hand, it is important to have people in your life who you respect, and who inspire you to improve yourself. My wife does that in a couple of different ways. One, I adore her and aspire to be the husband she deserves to have. I can't do that without constantly striving to improve myself. Secondly, she inspires me in her day to day life. When I watch the way she makes friends easily, interacts comfortably with people, is hospitable towards them, and generally attracts people to herself though her generosity and thoughtfulness I realize that I want to be more like that. I learn how to be a kinder, more thoughtful and better friend by watching my wife every day.
So, while I may not have needed my wife to be there supporting me to learn how to heal, it sure helps to have people in your live who do support you, inspire you, and who teach you through their examples how to improve yourself every day.
I hope, in 2008, you can find your own forms of inspiration, no matter where they come from!
I got an email yesterday asking for advice on finding people to talk to about being a survivor, and within the email the person expressed a desire to share their own writings and poetry. Naturally, I couldn't help but suggest starting a blog.
Not only does starting your own give you a place to share those writings and ideas, but as your participate in writing your blog, linking to other survivors blogs, commenting on other sites, and just generally being part of the survivor's blog community, informal as it is, you'll find lots of people to connect with, and lots of thoughts and ideas that can be very helpful in your own healing.
By the way, that person did start a BlogSpot blog, which is a really easy place to start a simple blog for those of you who know little about all this HTML stuff. Go check it out and say hello!
Megan has it up already. Be sure to check out what looks like a good collection of posts, and read to the bottom of the carnival to get the details on winning the copy of Ten Points that I was given to review back in the summer if you're a US resident.
As the holiday season approached, one of my fellow Friends in Tech members, Douglas Welch had a great idea for a series of podcasts. Called the Wishbook the idea was to go take a look at on-line versions of old Wish Book catalogs from our child hood, and record some audio talking about a particular toy or memory that is sparked by the catalog.
When I first heard about the idea, I thought it was great. I still do, but in the course of looking through the catalogs from my youth, I also quickly realized that I couldn't possibly take part.
Not that I didn't see some toys that I remembered having as a kid, but that was pretty much it. Yes, I had that toy, and I remember playing with it, but that's the sum total of my connection to my child hood. There are facts that I remember, with no emotions tied to them. Not exactly the warm, fuzzy holiday spirit, eh? :)
When I think about being a survivor, and what that means, I often think in terms of how it affects me now, and all the work I had to put in to learn how to make healthy decisions and take care of myself. When people ask me about the costs of being a survivor, or what the abuse took from me, those are the costs I immediately think of. I forget the things I missed out on as a child, the lack of any connection to my childhood. I almost tend to think that it's normal, and it's things like this project and hearing other people talk about childhood memories that remind me that it isn't normal to look at a photo of yourself as a child and fell no connection to that person. To not feel some sort of connection to who I was or what I was feeling at the time.
I don't spend a lot of time dwelling on it, because I have learned not to spend much time dwelling on things that I can't change. There's no way to change this, it is simply the cost of being a survivor for me. I accept that, but that doesn't make it easy.
It's up over at Cerebralmum's. With this being the month of Thanksgiving, she gave it a Gratitude Theme. Looks like there's some good reading over there, and since I'm trying to rid myself of this cold, I think I'll spend some time reading through it!
I've been off-line for a couple of days, enjoying some vacation time with the wife. Tonight we're in Boone, NC with free wi-fi so I'm spending just a little bit of time getting caught up on some things. One of those things is pointing out that the October Edition of the Carnival Against Child Abuse is up. Check it out for some interesting reads.
At least, that'll give you plenty to read while you wait for me to have some more writing time. :)
I saw this story quoted on the Jewish Survivors of Sexual Abuse blog and I thought it was interesting:
Sometimes we just need to be reminded!
In the room filled with more then 200 people, a well-known speaker started off a seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill, asking, "Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up.
The speaker said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.
He then asked, "Who still wants it?"
Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"
And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty and asked, "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.
The speaker stated: My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who LOVE you.
The reason I find this interesting is because it illustrates not only the value we all still have, but it also illustrates something else. The $20 bill is still worth $20, but once the speaker got done with it, it was different than when it started. Abuse does affect us, it does change us. It leaves scars, or dirt and creases to stay with the metaphor, but even with those effects, the value of the bill stays the same. It just takes some more effort to smooth out the wrinkles.
Recently, I had an email exchange with another survivor who had been spending some time in online forums for survivors, and running into a bit of a roadblock. Unfortunately, it was a roadblock I've seen in some online forums before, and is one I've the reasons I don't spend that much time there any more.
The issue, as I've seen it, is that far too often you have members of any online support group, who are constantly in crisis. Now, I'm not saying there aren't times when we all need support, but these people seem to always need it. Worse yet, the majority of the time, they need it because they keep repeating their own unhealthy decisions.
I think, sometimes, survivors who have gotten used to being mistreated, find someone willing to help out, someone willing to be sympathetic, and it becomes an addiction. They can be the center of attention by being in crisis mode, and that becomes it's own drug. Therefore, instead of taking responsibility for themselves, it becomes the other members of the forum who are responsible for supporting them through all their drama. The more drama, the more support and attention, they can get.
Trying to support these people just gets to be exhausting. It kills your willingness to get involved, because you find yourself constantly giving people support. As with any relationship, you do have to consider cutting your losses at some point. You can't continue to support someone else's bad decisions at the cost of your own health. Ultimately, as much as we all do need support every now and again, every single survivor is responsible for their own healing.
Tags: OnlineForums, Drama, Addiction
This one was sent to me in an email from a loyal reader of the site.
The predecessor, Just a Boy, was one of the first physical abuse survival memoirs I took out of the library.
I was more interested in this second book which details his meeting of his wife and his efforts to trace other now-grown-up children of other victims of the same killer - as well as his Yorkshire-born ingrained toughness and determination to get on with his life. My only regret is having to watch the pennies and getting the paperback, which now has a fold down the spine, but it's one of these books with so many chapter stops that you can dip into the parts you wish to re-read very quickly. I will make the hardback a gift to myself I liked it that much.
I can definitely see where a toughness and determination to "get on with live" would be rather inspiring to read. For many survivors, it's that toughness to get on with life that we don't give ourselves enough credit for. We tend to focus on our struggles, and forget just how tough we had to be to have survived thus far in the first place. Thanks for the recommendation!Tags: recommendations, book, abusememoirs, RichardMcCann
One further thought when it comes to talking about my story to friends. I mentioned that most of the time it's not really about me, it's about trying to determine the other person's comfort level with the subject. I also talked about how writing here is completely different, because anyone who's reading it, wants to read about it.
There's one further nuance that I don't quite understand, and which doesn't fit with my current thoughts. I know there are some folks who I am friends with, and see on a regular basis, who have actually visited the site, some many times, and yet have never mentioned it to me. This would lead me to believe that there are folks who want to know about it, but who do not want to have to talk to me about it. At least that's my best guess. If I'm wrong, I wish one of them would let me know. :)
Tags: Survivors, Friendship
The other day, I was having a conversation with someone about my family, and the different relationships within it. I was explaining some of the things that make it difficult for me in regards to my family, and as I started talking about the person who sexually abused me as a kid, I caught myself and stopped. I simply explained that there were some things they probably didn't want to hear, and left it at that.
Now, this wasn't some random acquaintance, this was a friend I've know for years but I still hesitated to talk about it in any detail. I had to explain myself, and say that while I had discussed it with many people and was perfectly comfortable talking about it, I wasn't really sure that they necessarily wanted to hear much about it. I offered that anytime they wanted to know, they would be more than welcome to ask, but I wasn't going to require them to hear me talk about it. Their response was that they'd like to talk about it, someday. Which was fine.
I still find it odd that I responded like that, but I realize now it really wasn't me. I don't feel uncomfortable talking about it, I feel uncomfortable forcing other people to deal with the knowledge. I know that not everyone handles it very well, and I know that not being able to handle it very well can sometimes be embarassing. This is just a friend, so they don't really need to know to continue being my friend, unlike say, my wife. The last thing I want is for this person to feel guilty about not handling it well, or for them to feel uncomfortable around me after that, so I stopped from saying anything, for their sake. I don't think that was the wrong decision, but at the same time, I feel somewhat unsettled about how I should have handled it.
I guess, at the end of the day, writing here is easy. The only people who read it are people who want to know more about survivors, and their stories. I can talk easily about being a survivor, without fear that someone is simply going to wish I hadn't told them that. In real life, it's a bit harder to tell who would want to discuss it, and who really would rather not.
Tags: Survivors, Friendship, ChildAbuse, Stories
It did get me to thinking a couple of things, though. One, where are the good web resources for spouses or significant others of abuse survivors? Do you guys know of any worth sharing?
Secondly, as survivors, what are some of the things you wish your significant other knew about? What are the most important things they need to know to help you? What mistakes should they avoid?
Thirdly, for those of you who may have survivors as significant others, what are your thoughts? What do you think are the most important things that you know? What mistakes have you made?
Any and all input is appreciated!
Tags: childabuse, spouse, survivors
Tags: ChildAbuse, Cult, RitualAbuse, RISE
The July Edition of the blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is up, hopefully I'll be able to get some time to read through some of the other entries!
I've been a little busy working on a redesign of my other site this week, but there is one thing I wanted to bring to your attention. I've added a few features over there to the RSS feeds, including one for this site's feed as well. I know most of you don't use RSS readers, but if you do, subscribe to this site's feed, and not only will you get every post delivered to your feed reader, you'll also get anything related to Child Abuse that I bookmark using Del.icio.us each day as part of the feed.
I see that the July edition of the Carnival Against Child Abuse is coming up, and the host wants to do a Freedom Theme in honor of US Independence Day falling this month. Being a July 4th baby myself, how could I resist?
I've always found freedom to be an interesting concept. In this case, when we go looking for freedom from an abusive childhood, we often find ourselves looking for that one momentous occasion when we become "free", as if we were being released from prison, and it would be very obvious when it occurs. There would be celebrations with loved ones, a deep breath of fresh air taken along a wide open country road, etc.
Those really only occur in the movies. The truth is, freedom from child abuse takes on a much less obvious, tone. It's not the moment of celebration that we expect because, while it's certainly worth celebrating, it occurs over the course of many, many moments. You don't suddenly become "free" from an abusive childhood. You do, as time goes by, make decisions and live your adult life like, well, an adult. That means making many minor, and some major, life decisions based on what you desire from life, based on your own values, interests, likes and dislikes. It means going forward with your life everyday not in anticipation of being a victim, but firm with the knowledge that this is your life, and you have the power to determine it's course for yourself.
In short, freedom isn't a single, loud, celebratory event, it's an ongoing quietness that allows us each to move forward with our lives. It's a stillness that comes from confidence, a peace that comes from knowing that we've survived this, we can survive anything, and more than that, the strength to move beyond the past, looking forward to what life we choose to live.
Just passing along an email I got, in case any of you are interested in checking out the site. :)
You are invited to check out what's new at www.catharsisfoundation.org - a site for survivors of all forms of child abuse and we hope you will help us to reach other survivors.
Do you have a book to promote?
Do you have a message to share with other survivors?
Do you have a special service to offer survivors exclusively?
Do you need GOOD inexpensive editing of your manuscripts?
Would you like to help survivors in some way?
Is your name entered to win free books?
Please share this message with survivors or supporters and encourage people to JOIN THE SURVIVOR COMMUNITY at Catharsis Foundation for survivors of all forms of child abuse.
Thank you!
Catharsis Foundation
www.catharsisfoundation.org
Yes it's been a full year since Marj started the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, and from the look of this month's carnival, hosting over on her blog, this may be the best one yet! She's got 30 posts linked in this edition, so there's plenty to read, and talk about. Please, take a look, and visit all the contributors.
While you're there, be sure to thank Marj for starting the carnival, and for all the work she puts in as well!
I noticed something quite odd the other day, and while it immediately made sense to me, I think to most people, this probably wouldn't seem completely normal. I got to thinking about the long term effects of child abuse, especially sexual abuse, that we just don't really think about, or that really aren't worth spending a lot of time on, but which are a result of being a survivor, just the same.
The thing I noticed, was that while almost all of the "friends" I have listed on Twitter, and most of the blogs I read, and groups I belong to on-line are male. Yet, in real life, almost all of my friends, and the people I feel most comfortable spending time with, are female.
Now, on one-hand, my on-line life, this blog notwithstanding, surrounds working with technology and the IT industry has a higher percentage of men working in it, so that sort of makes sense that most people I interact with about that subject would be male. Similarly, I'd probably say that most of the people I interact with concerning this site are female because, in general, female survivors are more likely to seek out other survivors on-line. (Although there are a handful of guys who are "regulars" around here as well.) There just tends to be fewer people I interact with on a regular basis concerning being a survivor than I interact with about technology.
So while I can see the disparities on the websites due to the content, the question remains, why are most of my face to face friends women? I think it's obvious that the fact that I was abused by men plays a large role in that. I'm simply more comfortable around women, I tend to feel less intimidated by women. I'm not threatened by a simple, friendly touch of a woman the way I am by a man, and I tend to allow myself to care more about a woman than I do a man. All of that is a result of surviving child abuse, there's no question.
The only real question is whether this is something I feel the need to correct. Certainly, I'd like to learn to be more comfortable with male friends, but I also am ok with most of my friends being women as well. I don't feel like I absolutely need to start ignoring the friends I have in order to connect with more males. My wife isn't the jealous type, and she is comfortable with me having female friends. I enjoy their company. The friends I have add something to my life, the on-line friends I have add something to my life. In general, I'd say that while we all could learn to be better friends, and improve our friendships with other people, I'm ok with the fact that there's a gender disparity in my friends. It's just part of who I am, and even though it's a result of the abuse, it's a result that helps me feel safe and does no real damage to me or my wife. Sometimes, I think it's ok to leave those alone.
I saw this post in my RSS reader today, and the title jumped out at me as quite a different perspective, but as I clicked over and read the post, I found a lot to agree with. It reminds me a lot about the discussions of what would be different about me if the abuse hadn't happened. There's simply no way to tell, I grew up with it, learned how to deal with it, and those skills became part of who I am, you can't separate them out.
Anyway, it's always good to remember, in the midst of dealing with our childhood as adults, just how skillful and strong we have already proven to be.
Top Ten Skills of Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse
The May edition of the Carnival Against Child Abuse is up over at ImagineIf and even though it kind of snuck up on me, there appears to be lots of good reading material, once again!
It's hard to believe, but next month will be the carnival's first birthday. Wow, the year has just flown by! I'll have to spend some time thinking about what I want to contribute to the year anniversary Carnival. Hopefully, you will do the same!
I had an email conversation the other day with another survivor and they said something that I've seen far too many times, in one shape or other. Namely "I am a creation of what everyone wants me to be".
Most children in abusive situations become what they need to be in order to avoid the abuse. If they have abusive parents, everything they do, is designed to please the abusive parent, thereby avoiding a beating, hopefully.
Unfortunately, as adults, there's one very important ability missing, namely the ability to make our own decisions. Once you've reached an age where being the pleasing child is not necessary, we don't know what else to be. So instead of having an abusive parent there to demand a certain behavior, we set-up an internal "parent", always trying to please them, and live up to a standard that is impossible.
One of the best things I ever learned in therapy was that it was ok to stop living up to that standard. That I can live my life, and be what I want to be, not what others want me to be. I hope you can allow yourself that freedom as well.
I got a note today that I thought my be of interest to all of you, so I'm sharing the relevant part of the email:
I'm writing to introduce myself and the Letters to My Abusers Project. If you think you may be interested in publishing a letter to your abuser, you can read the submission guidelines at the site www.letterstomyabusers.com. I realize that not everyone is ready to do something like this and so I totally understand if you must pass. I myself have written nine of my own letters to the nine men who abused me and while it was difficult, it was a healing experience for me. Especially when it came time to revise each letter and finding just the right words to express how I felt at the time and how I am taking my power back today. If you feel you are ready for this I am accepting submissions throughout 2007, preferably as soon as they are ready to be submitted. Part of the proceeds will go to organizations geared toward survivors of childhood abuse, particularly those that focus on retreats and workshops for survivors.Hope to hear from you. Keep healing and growing.
Stephanie Gagos
I'm not really sure how I feel about the idea of writing a letter at this point in my life, and after spending my Saturday working for 10.5 hours, I'm a bit too tired to give it much serious thought right now. I will be giving it some thought at a later date though. If you decide to participate in this project, let us know.
Thanks to everyone who commented on the last post. I did have a few thoughts on the subject, naturally. :)
I think the important thing to realize about dating or anything of a sexual nature is that everything you do in that arena is tied so completely to your sense of self. While I didn't have any issues in some areas of sexuality, (I have always been straight, for example. I think being molested by a male as a child made me even more straight, since I still shudder at the thought of being touched by a man.) there were many things about dating and romance that were difficult because of self-esteem issues. I made bad choices out of feeling that I would not find anyone else who wanted to be with me, I acted needy and clingy for no good reason, and all the other things you associate with low self-esteem.
It was only when I began to get a better sense of my self that I could see the act of going on a date for what it is. It really isn't that big a deal. Certainly, you want to make a good impression, and you want to see if there's a good fit, sort of like a job interview really. On the other hand, it's not the end of the world. If there isn't much future for the relationship, it's still a night out, it's still a chance to practice social skills, and it can be a fun experience if you can put it in the proper perspective.
In response to the specific question, yes, I think many, many survivors struggle with their sexuality, in many different and individual ways. But it's important to remember that going out on a date, or flirting is just that. Nothing more. Flirt all you want, it's harmless. Go out on dates, go out and socialize with people. Do as much as you can while still maintaining your own sense of safety, and self, and see what happens. Having dinner with someone who asked you to dinner doesn't mean you're going to make the choice to be in a sexual relationship with them, it can really just be one dinner. I find that to be a large issue among survivors as well, maintaining boundaries.
The only way to really work through these issues, to my mind, is practice. Seriously, if you're unsure if you're attracted to women or men, or struggling with feeling any attraction to either, then just spend time with various people and get used to being around people and think about what you're attracted to, what you're not, what kind of people you want to be around, which you don't, etc. Ultimately the answers we seek as survivors about dating are to be found in our interactions with other people, not in a book any advice I can give.
I saw this comment pop up on the site this evening, and thought this was a serious topic that I really want to have a discussion about. Unfortunately, I'm also leaving for San Antonio early in the morning so I won't have time to give this enough thought to form a proper answer for a few days. So, I figured I would repeat the question here, and let you all have at it with the caring, thoughtful comments you normally provide. :)
i have burning question for other survivors and i wasn't sure where to ask it, so here it is in the comments section of your blog. i hope that's okay.i'm a 28 year old survivor of sexual abuse who untill recently has completely avoided dating and anything that engaged me as a sexual person. I started dating recently but i'm don't know what i want, or even what i like. I don't even know what or who i'm attracted to. It's as if i have kept that part of me shut away for so long, i can't feel it anymore.
I feel badly because i've had a friend hit on me recently and while flirting is fun i don't know if i'm attracted to other women. I had a man ask me what it is i find attractive in men and i don't have an answer. i know attractive when i see, i guess.
So here is my question, do other survivors feel this disconected from their sexuality?
Just noticed that it is up live over at Blessed Fearscapes. As always, looks like there is plenty of food for thought to check out, so please do!
Annaleigh is hosting this month's Carnival Against Child Abuse, and since this is the month with Valentine's Day, she added the topic of Love to the list of topics for the Carnival.
One of the things that takes awhile to learn, and yet in retrospect seems so silly, is how often survivors, in their struggles with self-esteem, spend so much time assuming that the way to self esteem is to get someone else to love them. Think about how complicated that is for just a minute. You don't see yourself as being worthy of love, but you think that will change if you can get someone to love you. Of course, since you already know you're not worthy of being loved, you aren't honest or real with the person who you want to love you, so even if they do "love" you, they don't really love you, they love the person you're pretending to be, so it does zero for your own self-esteem since the real you is not actually being loved. How crazy is that? It makes my freaking head hurt to follow that circular logic, but I also know I've been there!
Here's the thing. You will never be loved for yourself by trying to fool someone into loving you. Nothing good lies down that road. What lies down that road is a bad breakup when the other person figures out that you're acting, and a lot of wasted time investing in a relationship that has no future.
You aren't going to find someone who loves who you really are as long as you continue to hide who you are, thus you are not going to get any self-esteem benefit from these relationships! Not that you should be trying! Again, I know, I have a handful of bad relationships that I had to learn from.
Being yourself in a romantic relationship requires at least a little bit of self esteem. You have to see enough in yourself that's worthy of love that you can be yourself in the relationship. If you don't see that, you probably have no business looking for one.
What you should be focusing on instead of trying to find someone else to boost your self esteem, is learning to love yourself. Any relationship is a partnership in a sense, you have to bring something to the table to make it work. If you don't believe you bring anything to the table, why should anyone be with you?
That being said, once you can accept who you are, and see what you do bring to the table, when you find love with someone it is a real self esteem boost, but you have to have enough self-esteem to be yourself in the first place. When I struggle with my own self esteem, the quickest way to remedy that is not to hide my struggles from my wife, it's to be with her and remind myself that this smart, beautiful, talented woman loves me exactly as I am, so I certainly can't be as bad as I currently think I am. But, if I had come into this relationship trying to hide myself, this smart, strong woman would have had nothing to do with me. How would that have helped my self esteem? What kind of woman gets involved with a man who is not real? Not the kind of woman that is going to raise your self esteem, that's for sure. For women, that question is even more relevant. What kind of man gets involved with a woman who doesn't believe in herself, and tries to do anything in order to get love?
For too many woman, the answer to that question is an abusive man. (Of course that holds true for men as well, but we see the results of women's low self esteem much more glaringly.) People who have learned to love themselves don't stand for being mistreated. People who look to others for their self-worth do.
Got an email today from a reader, who's just getting ready to start therapy again to deal with an abusive childhood. He asked if I had any hints for a "newbie". My advice was simple, nothing really that deep, just know going in that it's a long process, the first session is much more about getting the therapist up to speed with where you are, where you've been and where you want to be, so don't expect miracles. There are no miracles in this process, just work, but it's well worth the effort to get to a point where it's your life again.
Since I believe in the wisdom of crowds over my own individual wisdom, I'm asking for your advice? What would you say to someone as they were starting therapy?
Actually I got an email from Andy, with a couple of links:
I thought I'd pass on these observations I've found for you to consider, ponder and maybe even comment on.
The first is from Alice Miller, and comes from her website:
http://www.alice-miller.com/flyers_en.php?page=3 (the 12 points)
The second is from a search of wikipedia for the psychology of torture:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychology_of_torture specifically this quote:
"It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering." Judith Herman
Thanks, Andy. As far as my thoughts, the first link, to Alice Miller's "the Roots of Violence", I'm not sure I completely agree with. She paints a very utopian picture at the end of a world in which all violence is utterly unthinkable because all children have had a good upbringing. Not only does the realist in me think that's ridiculous, but I also think it's a very dangerous way to think. Blaming all of the world's violence on poor childhoods provides too easy an excuse for people to not take responsibility for their own actions. If I were to do something violent, it would be because I chose to do that, as an adult, right now. It would not be because somewhere in my childhood that's how I learned to act, nor should anyone allow me to use that as an excuse.
Besides, I really do think that there is some violence that is inherent in the human condition and always will be, even with the best of childhoods. Children are not the completely innocent angels of Alice Miller's world, only corrupted by the discipline of their parents, they are fallible and prone to selfishness, just as adults are.
The second link is an interesting area of research, and I think the quote is also an interesting one. It is always easier to not know something than it is to acknowledge it and thus have to do something about it.
Interestingly enough, I think that tendency is also human nature, but a nature that can be overcome if we choose to.
One of the posts I've been looking at quite a bit from the last Carnival Against Child Abuse is this guest post by Stephanie Gagos about self-esteem. One of the ideas that strikes me, especially given the time of the year is the idea towards the end of balancing accepting yourself while also striving to improve yourself.
Naturally as the year changes, I'm prone to self-examination in terms of what my personal improvement goals have been, and continue to be, but it is very important to not use my desire for improvement as an excuse to get down on myself. For many years, as I struggled with serious self-esteem issues, that wouldn't have been possible. It's possible now, but still is an area I need to be careful with. Even after all these years it would still be very easy to focus on the improvements I would still like to make, instead of how much improvement I've already made.
For example, I'm a shy person. I've worked hard over the last couple of years to be more engaging, more outgoing, to do more thoughtful things to show my appreciation for friends, etc. I've come a long way in that regard, but there are still plenty of times where I find myself with nothing to say, or let my fear get the better of me instead of interacting with people, or try too hard and do something completely stupid. It takes a lot of work to continue on through that instead of beating myself up over it. The best way to stop beating myself up is to focus on how much improvement there's been since the days when I didn't talk to anyone more than necessary, or never got up the courage to share myself and my feelings with friends.
I guess, sometimes it's good to keep in mind where we've come from, if only to keep ourselves focused on the improvements we've made.
Literally, the best reward I get from keeping up this site are emails like this one:
It's been a week since I made the call to Survivors UK, the London-based child abuse organisation. Then I found your site, no.2 when I googled. I get a date for my therapy to start in a few weeks. I'm not brave enough to maintain a blog or site like you though I'm sure I'll comment on anything I find interesting when I catch up with all of it.....
Right now I am happy that I'm not alone even though you are in a different country.
That makes all the writing, thinking about writing and site maintenance worth it right there.
In a further email, this same reader posed an interesting question that I wanted to share with all of you, and solicit your feed back on.
How did you select which friends to tell first?
That's a tough question for me, because I think the first few people I told were people I already knew were survivors themselves. Then, when I had a very public breakdown, well, everyone already knew!
Now, as to who I tell now, it tends to fall into two groups. One is people who are going to be deeply involved in my life, on more than an acquaintance level, because the abuse is an important part of understanding who I am, so they need to know, and the second are people who I feel would benefit from know that they aren't alone.
I am interested in hearing what other survivors did in terms of telling people when they were first starting on the path to healing. What advice would you give to someone in this regard, what pitfalls would you steer them away from? What was your experience like?
The 7th Edition is up over at Sadly Normal. As always it looks like there's quite a lot of reading material over there. Since we're traveling to visit family I'm going to have to just look forward to reading it when I'm back home.
Hope you all have a great holiday!
One of the "suggested topics" Lisa has for this month's carnival against child abuse is "What inspires you to heal?". I found that an interesting topic, not so much because I think there's any great inspiring thing out there, but because really the answer for me was a simple one.
I hit rock bottom in terms of depression, making unhealthy choices, and needing to do something to change things at around the age of 28. And when I say rock-bottom, I mean rock-bottom as in homeless, being found passed out (ill, not drunk) in an alley way, spending nine days in a hospital and having to be released into my mother's custody, because the psych ward wouldn't let the hospital release me to my own care. After your mother has to travel 1000 miles to get you at that age, and a stranger has to bathe you because you haven't the strength to do it yourself, there's really not much lower you can go, dignity-wise.
So, after hitting that point, I really saw a choice. Not to get all Hollywood on you, but it was a "get busy living, or get busy dying" moment for me, and since I had already failed at trying to commit suicide, I figured living was probably the way to go. The thing was, I was 28! Chances are, I was going to live for a long time from that point on, and I realized for maybe the first time ever, just how long life can be.
What I mean is, while I absolutely condone the idea that life is short and you should enjoy it while you can, in this respect it is also very long. It's one thing to have spent the first 28 years of my life being affected by my childhood and the depression, it's quite another to spend your whole life like that. Simply put, I wanted to heal because 60, 70, or 80 years is a LONG time to live like this. I didn't want the next 40 years of my life to be like the first 30. I wanted something better. I wasted those 30 years because of what other people did to me as a child, but I wasn't a child any more, and whatever I was going to do from that point on was up to me. It wasn't up to someone to "make it up to me", or to rescue me from my childhood, it was up to me to heal, to build a life for myself, and to find enjoyment from whatever life that was to be.
It was time to "get busy living" and see what happened with the rest of my time. Fact is, once I decided on that path, my own natural curiosity to see how it turns out would keep me going, and using that to keep looking ahead has helped keep me continue healing. It's hard to get suicidal when you're always wondering what tomorrow will bring. :)
This month was somewhat slow for contributions, I'm sure the holiday had a lot to do with it, keeping everyone busy and away from their blogs. On the other hand, there's nothing like family time to inspire abuse survivors to write, so I'm looking forward to reading some of the post-holiday thoughts in the next few months. :)
I enjoyed hosting this month's edition. It forced me to make time to read everyone's submissions and I really enjoyed that tremendously. So, without any further delay:
Survivor Stories and Poetry
Heather presents Personal Legacy of Abuse, about which she added "As part of my own healing... and working through the devastating effects of abuse I decided to create this diagram that make it easy to see the profound effect that abuse has."
Brian aka hummingbunny presents Poetry Thursday about Little Brian, "a poem about one of my multiples, Little Brian, and is our virtual trip to the museum."
WW added a timely poetry submission What Am I Thankful For? , and this remark to the group:
To All: I recently deleted my PTSD blog, but a new and better one is on the way. In the meantime, I would like to submit this semi-poetry, which is not about child abuse specifically, for the Carnival Against Child Abuse. I am a survivor. And this Thanksgiving I am focusing on all the good things life has to offer. WW
Also, Lisa added Words.
In the News:
Speaking of Lisa, she also had some strong words about pedophiles in power in a post titled Osama bin Sperm Donor in '08!
Holly, meanwhile is focusing on a story about how Police share insight on sex crimes and hoping it can help governments find solutions.
Marcella Chester continues a conversation with How Abusers Convince Themselves They Aren't Doing Anything Wrong posted at abyss2hope: A rape survivor's zigzag journey into the open.
Advocacy and Awareness:
Faith presents Child Sexual Abuse; Broken Bodies - Broken Dreams
Jeremy delves into politics and religion a bit with Conservative Parents vs. the New World Order
Aftermath:
Annaleigh takes on a topic we're all familiar with, Staring into the face of my grief, sorrow, guilt, and shame.
Emily added this note "This post talks about how having sexual abuse stamped on my maternity notes effected me. I also talk about my pregnancy and how I worried about having a boy in terms of dealing with his gender and sexuality. Of course, I ended up having a boy and I can report that none of my fears came to fruitition." along with her submission, 39/40 Pink or blue?
Healing and Therapy:
The most submissions this month came in this area, which shows me that folks are working at healing. That makes me happy to see that.
Manymeez presents INSIDE THE ADULT MIND OF AN ABUSED CHILD: lessons in hope and change that can be learned
Linda Freedman presents About Affection-Long Story-Part Two, adding "The post addresses the consequences in adulthood of having feared authority as a child. This second part of a four part series reveals Therapy Doc's bias on parenting and handling domestic chaos. Although there's a place for a Mommy Monster in the home, that place is clearly in the realm of hyperbole, not reality."
April_optimist had this to say about her entry, Powerful Choices
I wrote this because I was remembering how powerless I felt as a kid and how much I've grown and changed over the past few years. And I wanted to write about how as adults we can reclaim the power to be happy, the power to create the lives we want to have.
scarlett_demon shared some thoughs about Consent
Last, but certainly not least, Marj aka Thriver presents From Negative Assumptions to Autonomy and her words about her post are the words I want to leave you all with this month:
Many child abuse survivors, like myself, learn lots of negative assumptions about the world. Here's a look at turning those negatives into positives. We all deserve to feel better about ourselves!
One thing that's been on my mind lately is the concept of self-esteem and how other people can affect it. Granted, the ultimate goal in our journey would be to have a healthy enough level of self-esteem that we can forge ahead even when other people are doing things that cause us to question ourselves, but let's face it, for most of us dealing with childhood abuse issues, that goal is still in the future.
The question for me is, what people are having a negative impact on my self-esteem and how to deal with that. If someone is actually trying to make me self-conscious or to doubt myself, the healthy thing to do is find a way to not have to interact with that person anymore. But sometimes people just manage to find small ways to do the same thing without actually trying to. It's not so obvious to me whether the healthy thing to do is try to not interact with them, or simply learn to not allow those little comments, or acts to have that much of an affect on me.
It's a tough call. Growth comes through dealing with different people and different situations. If the goal is to learn how to not allow other people to shake your belief in yourself, then you need to be exposed to some situations where people make you uncomfortable. On the other hand, too much of that can cause a crushing loss of self-esteem that would be highly unhealthy, and dangerous.
The Fifth Edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is up over at Survivors can Thrive today. Once again it looks like there quite a bit of good writing going on, as usual.
Next month's edition will be hosted right here, so start thinking about submissions!
I've been thinking about this recently, and I'm convinced that this is one area of life that I'm just never going to be normal about. I know that a touch is a very powerful, emotional connection. I touch and am touched by my wife all the time, for that very reason. I also know, in theory, that it's truly a powerful connection even outside of a romantic setting. A comforting hug, a pat on the back, an empathetic touch of the arm, etc. is a much more affective way to communicate with someone in any circumstance.
But, for me, the act of touching someone, or being touched by someone is completely messed up. I consider myself normal in two situations. I love sharing a touch with my wife, and I'm not really comfortable with people I don't know very well touching me. I don't think those are unique to me, or in any way tied to being a survivor. But it's the in-between situations that are a mess for me. I cringe at the touch of any male, and while I don't cringe at the touch of any female who I'm friends with, it makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable, as if it was somehow inappropriate for them to touch me, even though I know, logically, that it really isn't. Of course, I take that same level of uncomfort into touching people as well. There have been numerous times when I've really struggled to be a source of support to someone, to find the right words to say, when an empathetic touch could have communicated what I didn't have words to say. I couldn't find it within me to do that, though.
And here, we're not talking about truly inappropriate touching either, we're talking about the kinds of touching that people have been doing to their friends and loved one's for centuries. I can't seem to bring my logical thoughts on the subject to match the realities of what a touch makes me feel. I'm saddened by that.
I can't help but feel like I'm missing something. Moreover, I can't help but feel like I should get over this and see a simple touch as just that, simple. But a touch is never simple to a sexual abuse survivor, is it?
Emily had an interesting comment to that post about repeating abuse. Go ahead, read it.
Her comment left me thinking, but without any real answers. Why are men more likely to repeat abuse? What is it about being abused as a child for a man that makes it more likely to turn around and abuse? I've read the same statistics she has, and while it's been a long time since I actively worried about being accused of abuse based solely on those statistics, I wonder if I'll worry about it as my nephew and neices get older and I spend time with them without their parents.
I know I wouldn't abuse them, or any other kids, so it is difficult for me to really answer the question about why men are more likely to repeat it. I have theories, much like Emily's, but no real concrete ideas.
What ideas do you have?
Michael left a comment and asked an interesting question:
Question for you: in order to sort of immunize myself from being an abusive person (you know that victims often become victimizers -- scary but common statistic) what are the best steps?
I had been verbally abusive and nearly physically abusive to my ex-spouse and baby daughter, and even though everything is literally amazing right now with the two of them, I just want to keep taking steps to make sure I'm okay and they're okay.
I don't want to "fall asleep on the job" just to have the wrong set of circumstances set me off. What are some links to some preventative medicine against becoming an abuser.
I suppose just being part of a community of people who understand helps. People to talk with who will understand and stand by you. Know of anything like that?
It's been a couple of days since he left this comment and I haven't responded yet. Part of that was just being busy, but part of it was also a desire to mull it over a bit. I'm still not really sure how to answer his question, simply because I'm a bit vague on the concept, to be honest.
Not that I haven't seen the same statistics and have a general understanding of why the stats are what they are. But from a personal perspective, I really have no idea. All the rage, anger and hatred that came from my own abuse was always directed inward. I never considered myself a threat to other people around me, I was a threat to myself first and foremost. I've never been one to lose my temper in public, or throw violent fits. I've been one to self-destruct in private. :)
That being said, the rage and anger is similar and I can only imagine that the same things that have helped me learn not to be self-destructive would help someone stay "on the job", as it were, regarding being abusive towards other. Namely, learning how to accept myself, and how to accept life. Learning that there are very few things in life that I can control, and that I should concentrate on those rather than frustrating myself trying to control things that cannot be, learning how to make healthy decisions, and learning how to be happy with my life. Those are the things that keep me balanced, and awake on my own job. What other ideas have you guys got?
The 4th edition is up over at Carpe Noctem today. As usually, looks like there's plenty of good, thought-provoking reading material.
I was taking a quick look at the deadline for the latest Carnival Against Child Abuse when I noticed that this month's host has changed the topic a little bit. She wanted to focus on self-injury and sense of self. It quickly occurred to me that much of what we've been discussing about relationships, and our expectations of other people's reactions really is about learning how to develop a healthy sense of self.
It's long been my belief that having good relationships, whether they be romantic, platonic, or even working relationships, requires a certain amount of "self" to get that way. You really aren't capable of having a balanced relationship if you don't have a sense of yourself within that relationship.
That's why, for example, when I talked about what we expected from others when we shared our stories of abuse, I focused on what we could reasonably expect from other people. As many have pointed out, typically we develop a sense of self as children, but in an abuse survivor's case, that development has been stunted. Also typically, people who have low self-esteem, a low sense of self worth, and other symptoms of a lack of "self" try to compensate for that by depending on others to give it to them. That's not a healthy basis for a relationship of any kind.
Like any childhood development problem, abuse victims lag behind other children in this area. There's no questioning that, but also like other areas in which children can lag behind, with enough work, you can catch up. It's taken me many years to develop a sense of self, and I don't believe, even after all that work, that I've fully developed that yet. I do know that in the relationships I have now, I've managed to maintain my own identity, my own space, my own "self". Having that allows me the freedom to give to others, and to be vulnerable to others, because I'm no longer living in fear of their responses. My own sense of self is not dependant on their response, it's coming from within myself. Their response may be quite painful to me, I'm not talking about dissociating yourself emotionally from people around you, quite the contrary, I'm talking about having the freedom to be emotionally involved with the people in your life MORE freely, because you're not going to lose your "self" in any case.
Since we've been having all this discussion about friendship and relationships, I thought I would pose a question. When you tell people about your abuse or talk to them about specific issues surrounding it, suffering from depression for example, how would you like them to react? What do you expect from your friends, family, significant other? Is it realistic?
Updated: Andy has a lengthy response on his blog. He raises some interesting points. I'm still working out my own thoughts on this subject, but I'd like to hear others opinions as well.
Pat asked an interesting question in the comments of the last entry, and I wanted to expound a bit further on the idea:
My question is: do you find that the fact that you're a chid abuse survivor turns people off from you? It's not that I tell people about my past. When I encounter new people I smile and I'm friendly, but the impression that I have, and my husband's feedback confirms this, is that people just instinctively feel the sadness I have inside, and they don't understand it because they don't know me, and they don't want to get to know me because they don't understand it, and they prefer happy, "normal" people.
Getting to know new people and how friendships change and develop over a period of time is an interesting thing. I don't think there's really any one thing that I can say to answer this question because how people perceive you is completely random. Simply put, the vast majority of people who meet you at any given time are going to make a quick judgment about you, your personality, or your intentions based on their own experiences and world view.
For example, something I'm sure most abuse survivors can relate to, if I meet someone who physically reminds me of the person who abused me, I'm not going to be comfortable or interested in getting to know this person. It has nothing to do with them, but it's true nonetheless. Assuming that people see you as "sad" and aren't interested is much too general a statement. You really have no idea what each of those individuals is bringing to the table in a first encounter. They may see a sadness in you, or they may see something else, or maybe they just simply don't see anything in common to bond over and therefore don't really pursue any further contact. Most friendships are formed over shared interests, or shared goals, not as a part of a plan. I don't believe I can count among my friends anyone who I set out to be friends with, they are all people I've found a common interest with, or spent time working on a project with.
Now, having said that, there are some other aspects to friendships that I think people really struggle with. One of the biggest is that people change. I'm not the same person I was 9-10 years ago, expecting the friendships I had then to continue to be the same as they were then is fairly ludicris. As I've changed over the years, the roles different people have played in my life have changed. People I used to talk to almost daily, I now talk to once a month. We simply don't have as much in common as we used to and the roles we've played in each other's lives are different. I haven't stopped caring about them, and I assume they haven't stopped caring about me, the relationship is just different, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I think you'l find a few things as you make healthier decisions for yourself and work to overcome the abuse in your past. One, you will change, and some of the people you're currently friends with, won't change with you. Either they'll resent the fact that you aren't the same person they've been used to, or you'll simply move apart in your lives. Either way, there's nothing for you to do to stop this, it is the natural way of interpersonal relationships.
Secondly, I think as you become a healthier person, you'll find yourself more likely to have common interests with other healthy people. You'll simply become more able to be friends with people and have good friendships because you're taking care of yourself and it will show.
To sum up a very long post, my advice is simple. Get involved in activities, hobbies or other interests and you'll find yourself alongside people with the same interests, and perhaps most importantly, continue to improve yourself. That's the one aspect of this that you control. Other people's views are beyond your ability to control, no sense in trying.
I saw this comment hit the blog this evening, and have since sent an email response, but I wanted to share my thoughts with others, and perhaps get a discussion going around the topic. Here's what Amie wrote earlier:
No victim of child abuse will EVER live a happy life. Somewhere deep down inside, they will always be depressed. They'll just appear to be happy to everyone else.
Here is the email I have sent to her.
Amie,
I'm truly sorry that you feel this way. I realize that in the midst of dealing with depression it can seem like there is no hope of anything ever getting better, or that you will ever feel joy in your life again. I also happen to know for a fact that it can get better, and you can find joy in your life.
I feel fairly confident that many other survivors will tell you the same thing that I'm telling you. That I've been where you are now. That I've known the depths of depression and despair, and though it took many years, and much hard work, I've also managed to know joy and happiness. Not that my work is done and that I don't ever struggle with my own issues tied into depression and surviving abuse from time to time, but I can honestly say that I'm happy with my life. It's not just a façade for others to see.
I truly, truly hope that you will find happiness in your own life. In the mean time, if nothing else, just continue surviving, because as long as you continue on there is always hope.
Take care, and feel free to write and communicate with another survivor,
Mike
Andy left a comment here the other day, and earlier this week I spotted a post on his blog where he linked here. (It's a small part of a long post..)
In it he says this about this site and myself:
Well, this guy has been around longer than me, has quite a few links to people in similar circumstances and really when it comes down to it, is dealing with it better than I am. I seem stuck, this guy has moved on, in every sense.
Let's get something straight about this site. I've been writing on-line about recovering from abuse for something like 8 years, 4 on this site. It took me a while to even work up to writing about it. I'm not going to lie and say that in many, many ways, I have healed, but in some I still struggle.
The other thing, and maybe the most important, is to give yourself a break. It took many, many years, and lots of work to reach this point and that's just my journey. Everyone's journey to "healthy" is different. I truly believe that we should never spend time comparing where we are with our struggles as opposed to other survivors, it serves no purpose. We should share our stories and talk about our struggles so that we don't succumb to feeling alone, and see that it is possible to not only survive, but live a joyful life, but the most important thing you can do as a survivor, is exactly that, survive. So long as you are here to work another day, you have hope, and you are taking another step on your own journey. Focus on that, not on how far you are compared to others.
I've exchanged a few emails with Emily about the subject, so when she told me today that she had finally decided to write about her abuse on her blog, I was excited to read about it. I can't say that I was prepared for such an intense and moving story, but I was glad to see her work up the courage to talk about it. Thank you, Emily, for sharing it with us.
I was reading Carolyn's comment on that last post and she used a term that I'd been thinking about lately, "damaged goods".
Are we, as child abuse survivors, damaged goods? To a certain extent, we are. Being victimized like that as a child leaves long lasting impressions and issues. On the other hand, it's not exactly a death sentence either. Plenty of people have overcome the issues surrounding being a survivor and gone to to live succesful, happy lives.
The other thing about being "damaged goods" is that to some degree, everyone over the age of 15 is. Everyone you meet comes with their own baggage, whether it be from parental relationships, past romantic relationships, or just life in general. You will never meet anyone who doesn't have their own perspective on life, and their own issues that they are dealing with on an ongoing basis. In a sense, we are all damaged goods.
This sense of being damaged goods most often comes up in regards to romantic relationships. I've got news for you. If you're looking for a partner with no baggage, no "damage" from previous relationships, you're going to spend an awful lot of time alone. And, if you're afraid of talking about your past out of fear of being labeled "damaged", fear not. All you're doing is weeding out the people who are too shallow to be worth your time anyway. Go ahead and weed them out, and focus your energies on finding the people who not only don't view you as damaged, but recognize the great strength that you posess as a survivor.
We can all do with more people in our lives, romantic relationships or just friends, who see our positive traits and remind us of them.
In reading over some of the entries and comments from the first carnival against child abuse, I was struck by the juxtaposition of two things. One, a comment listed in the carnival by Carolyn Lehman:
"You can never anticipate the aftermath of speaking out."
The other from a post on Sonnie Daze which talks about numerous situations where an abuse victim was simply not believed, and which includes this quote:
"Again the question comes to me, why on earth would anyone tell, when this sort of stuff happens."
It's a valid question. But let's look again at the other quote. You can never anticipate the aftermath of speaking out. Part of the aftermath is the immediate reaction of the person, or people who hear you. They are simply another human being, bringing their own ideas, fears, and predispositions to the discussion. As an adult, we learn that the one thing we can never be responsible for, is how other people act, or in this case, react.
As a child in a currently abusive situation, it's my opinion that you should keep telling people until someone believes you. The adult survivor in me, however, knows just how difficult that can be. But that's not what I want to talk about exactly.
As that adult survivor, I realize now that disclosing the abuse is much more about me, and my need to have that information out there then it is about anyone else who happens to hear it.
Not that I go around introducing myself as a survivor of child abuse to everyone I meet, but with close friends, or in certain situations, I do feel like that is an important part of who I am today, and it's something that will come up if I spend enough time with people. It's important though, that telling other people about it is always my choice, and it is always done because it is something I want them to know. It is never, EVER, done to elicit a certain response, whether it be pity, sympathy, discomfort, or pure disbelief. I do not know how the other person will respond to information like that, and I have to be prepared emotionally for any and all responses. If I am not prepared, if my relationship with this person has not developed to a point where I can accept any response they may have to my past, I have no business talking about it. It is not their responsibility to give me the reaction I desire.
I was not responsible for what happened to me as a child. That is always the first hurdle we must get over as survivors. I find that often the second, and even more difficult, hurdle that we face is accepting that while we weren't responsible then, we are responsible now for our own health and well being. Who you disclose your abusive past to is a very personal, private, decision. I've felt honored that so many people have been willing to share it with me, and talk about their childhoods with me, and I've tried my very best to always react in a loving, accepting way. That reaction, however, is my choice. No one gets to take that choice away from me. Not any more.
I was thinking about this the other day, in terms of what groups you belong to, what terms you use to describe yourself, etc. Mostly it came to mind because someone made reference to the fact that I didn't seem like a typical New Yorker, even though that is where I grew up. Did growing up there influence some of what I am today? Absolutely. But so have many other things, things that other New Yorkers haven't been exposed to.
I'm proud of having grown up in N.Y., and there are aspects of that history that I identify very strongly with. There are aspects of having an Irish heritage or being an abuse survivor that I identify very strongly with as well. On the other hand, the things I identify strongly with may not be the same things that another person from a similar background identifies with.
At the end of the day I've been influenced by growing up in N.Y., but also by living the past 20 years in the Midwest, coming from an Irish heritage, being an abuse and depression survivor, working with computers, studying accounting, playing hockey, getting divorced, currently being married, a love of photography and about a hundred other little events and experiences that make me the individual I am.
It's those same events and experiences that make you who you are. Who you are, and what you think will always be influenced by all of these past experiences, not by any one group you belong to. That's why my best advice to survivors has always been to find what works for you. Just because you and I are both survivors, doesn't mean that the things that helped me be healthy will help you, nor does it mean I'm not healthy because I didn't get there the same way you did.
The important thing is that you are the one doing it. Your childhood was decided for you, adulthood doesn't have to be.