Child Abuse Survivor

Dissociative Disorder - Adam Duritz

Psych Central today mentioned a Men's Health article written by Adam Duritz, of Counting Crows fame. It caught my eye because, in it, Adam talks about his struggles with dissociation, something that I have had problems with in the past, and something I don't tend to see written about very often, outside of the more obvious cases of multiple personality disorder. (Which is a form of dissociative disorder, but one on the far end of the spectrum that starts with simple things like highway hypnosis)

I was glad to see someone writing about something that was very similar to what I experienced, shutting down during difficult or stressful times:

This was not depression. This was not workaholism. I have a fairly severe mental illness that makes it hard to do my job -- in fact, makes me totally ill suited for my job. I have a form of dissociative disorder that makes the world seem like it's not real, as if things aren't taking place. It's hard to explain, but you feel untethered.

I agree, it is hard to explain. If you've never felt like this, I've always described it as the difference between something happening to you, and watching it happen on TV to someone else. When you have this disorder, you don't see any difference between those two things.

Thank you Adam, for having the courage to talk about it publicly!

Exercise for Mental Health

Thanks to Psych Central for pointing out a British Journal of Sports Medicine study that shows as little as 20 minutes of physical activity can reduce the levels of anxiety and stress.

I know that I can tell by my stress level if it's ben too long since I've been to the gym or gotten some other exercise. Spending some time working out is a great way to put a long stressful work day behind you, so this study really shows that I think many of us already know to some extent.

So, if you want a head start on dealing with anxiety and stress, go for a walk!

Guest Post - Insights

This post was contributed by my good friend, and fellow Friends in Tech member, Kevin Devin.

This past Tuesday morning my colleagues and I were summoned to a 15 minute all-hands meeting within the hour.  Of course, impromptu all-hands meetings never end up with "we think you all deserve a raise!" or anything else of any good, so folks were naturally nervous.  The last meeting of this nature was an announcement of layoffs and restructuring and prior to that was the sale of the company -- so folks were naturally imagining the worst.

Unfortunately, the news we received couldn't have been any worse.  A co-worker, who occupied the cube next to mine, could no longer cope with the demons inside him and took his own life on Sunday.  It hit us all like a massive punch in the gut.  Our friend and colleague, an extremely gregarious soul who was always full of laughter and always the life of the party, had committed suicide.

He was also a person who liked to push limits.  He is one of the few individuals in my IT career that I've specifically taken away local administrative rights to their PC.

This afternoon, while sitting through the memorial service, I began thinking about the last four years he and I had worked together, and specifically the removal of those admin rights. After a few months of running without these rights, and much begging and pleading, I finally restored his admin rights and from that point on it was a running joke between us, "HEY Kevin...  I haven't messed up my computer yet!"  It was always good for a little chuckle.  But it got me to thinking about it all...  I had taken away those admin rights to protect this person from himself.  To limit the access he had over his PC so that he could remain productive.  That's when a bit of parallelism struck me...  it's too bad that there isn't a better way for someone to remove the administrative rights to the master computer -- the brain.  Had those admin rights been removed from my colleague's "personal" computer, he might still be around today as it would have protected him from doing harm to himself.

Rightfully so, the ability to grant or revoke that ultimate set of privileges are left to the supreme SysAdmin, nonetheless, the parallelism amused me.

So I guess my point is...  I don't really know.  What I do know though is that 5 kids are now without a father because of a self-destructive behavior.  For those of you with kids, take some additional time this weekend, and every day onward, to spend time with your kids and other loved ones.  If you know of someone dealing with depression who also happens to have a self-destructive behavior, keep an eye on them and intervene if you can.

If I could add anything to Kevin's story, it'd be this. If you are coping with depression and self-destructive behaviors of your own, get help. Talk to someone, now, before those are your kids without a parent, or your coworkers and friends who are left to wonder what might have been....

Love for February

Ever since Marj mentioned that she was giving this month's edition of the Carnival Against Child Abuse a love theme, I've been struggling with what I wanted to say about love. Obviously, with tomorrow being Valentine's Day, the idea of romantic love is in the air, but that is only really part of love. A small part at that. I'm lucky, I have a wonderful wife to share that kind of love with every day, so while the day is a nice chance to show my appreciation for her love, I don't love her more on this particular day that I do every other day of the year. The day really isn't that big a deal.

On the other hand, love is a big deal. Even if you're not lucky enough to have a spouse or partner who you will be growing old with, it's important to have love in your life, wherever it comes from. Not necessarily romantic love, again, that's only a small part of the love that plays such an important part in our lives. The love of family and friends is equally, if not more, crucial to survivors.

Most crucial of all, of course, is love of yourself. For survivors this is a huge struggle. We don't often see ourselves as lovable. We don't look in the mirror and see movie star good looks, don't judge our character to be upstanding, know there are always smarter and more talented people around, etc. But I'm here to tell you, that's not love at all.

One of the best definitions I've ever heard of real love, I heard many, many years ago in a church teaching. The speaker was talking about the classic Biblical passage about love (Love is patient, Love is kind, Love believes all things, etc....) and was specifically talking about the idea that so many people tell him they don't love themselves. He disagreed. He finds very few people in the world don't love themselves if you get down to the core of what love is. His response when someone talks about not loving themselves was this "Did you shower today? Brush your teeth, have some breakfast?". If you did, you love yourself.

At the very core of love, is meeting needs. You love yourself by taking care of yourself. The only people in this world who don't love themselves, are the people who don't meet their own needs. I was one of those people when I was in the midst of major depression, because I didn't believe I was worth taking care of.

By the same token, the people who truly love you, are the people who are there to help you meet your needs. Again, be they a spouse, partner, family member or friend, they show love by being there to help. Friends, and family members, who only strive to take from you, don't love you in any deeper sense.

If you take anything away from this rambling, let it be this. Loving yourself isn't about heaping praise on yourself, or repeating phrases. It's about understanding that you are as worthy of being taken care of as any one else in this world. Any tool that detracts from that core goal, is useless, in my book. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do in life and should be the main focus of every day. If you get up, go to work, feed yourself, clothe yourself, etc. then you are loving yourself. It's not warm and fuzzy, but love isn't hardly just the warm and fuzzy stuff.

Secondly, to really love someone is to look out for their needs. To be ready and willing to help them however you can. Again, it's not about the warm and fuzzy stuff. I love my wife. I do that by taking care of myself, taking care of my work so that I have a job to help pay our bills, listening when she needs to talk, laughing when she is silly, crying when she's in pain, just generally trying to help her be the person she wants to be in any little way that I can. Very few of those things give me a warm and fuzzy feeling. I don't get a warm and fuzzy feeling every time I pay our rent, help one of her friends with a computer problem, straighten up around the house, or help her run errands on a weekend. I assume she doesn't either when she comes home and starts dinner, or spends an evening ironing. Those aren't highlight-reel moments in our relationship, but they involve just as much love as Valentine's Day, a wedding day, anniversaries, etc. In fact, I would argue they involve even more love, because in those moments, we are doing the things we need to do to take care of us. That's the core foundation of love. Not the gifts, cards, poems, candlelight, or other romantic tricks of the trade. The every day work and thought that goes in to meeting needs.

This month, as survivors, let's strive to do three things, in this order. See ourselves as worthy of our having needs met, learning how to take care of ourselves, and striving to love other people, by giving them what they need from us.

Good Advice

How to help someone with a mental health concern.

I especially agree with the first rule, "Offer your Friendship and Support". You'd be surprised how effective you can be just by being available to listen. It may not seem like much, but it is so infrequent that someone actually takes the time to really stop their lives and listen, that it is a huge help!

Thankfulness

Yesterday was the Thanksgiving holiday here in the US, which of course makes today the biggest shopping day of the year as everyone gets the jump on Christmas shopping. (Well not everyone, I haven't even left the house today, though I do have some plans with a friend for dinner, so I'm not a complete hermit!)

Anyway, traditionally this has been a time to stop and consider all the things that we are thankful for in our lives, which for abuse survivors, or depression sufferers, can be quite an unpleasant task. Taking stock of a life filled with pain, and suffering, might not be as pleasant as most people think it is. Sometimes it very difficult to put things in perspective and find the things you are truly thankful for.

That's ok. Sometimes, it's simply enough to be thankful for ice cream. I've gotten in the habit every year and stopping to consider all the things I'm thankful for, the love of my wife, the good friendships I have, my nieces and nephews, work that I find interesting, the ability to communicate with all of you, and on and on. I cannot express to you how thankful I am for all those things, and all the people who make my life better.

On the other hand, there was a time, not that long ago, where I was really only thankful for the small things in life that I could manage to enjoy. Life had become such a struggle and so exhausting, that if you asked me what I was truly thankful for, I might have told you a cold can of Dr. Pepper. That was something I could enjoy! It wasn't much, but it was something. Having something I enjoyed, right there in the midst of all that pain, at least hinted at the possibility that there would be other enjoyment in my life. That I could find, and revel in, the things I truly enjoyed, eventually. That hope meant a lot.

So, if nothing else this holiday weekend, treat yourself to your version of the  "cold Dr. Pepper", and look forward to the future, and all the things, small and large, that future will bring for you to enjoy.

Depression Blogs

Psych Central has posted the 2007 Best of the Web -Depression Blogs.

How Mental Health Care has Changed

In preparation for the trip, I did a little reading on the history of the place, which, of course also read like a history of mental health treatment. On the cemetary page, naturally, we learn why most of the gravestones bear only a number and no name. The vast majority of the patients were simply brought here by their families, and left to die. Only the graves of those patients whose families claimed them, and bore the cost of the headstone, have names.

The lack of names on the tombstones here bears witness to how little mental illness has been understood, and how poorly it has been treated in our past.

Tags: MentalIllness, Asylum, The Ridges, AthensOhio, Cemetery

Secret Life of the Manic Depressive

Tags: ManicDepression, Bi-Polar, StephenFry

Depressed, or just Annoying?

I had made a note last week to write about this, and am finally getting around to it. The wife and I were watching an episode of House, where a kid was brought in with the usual bizarre symptoms that the show specializes in. He was also violent, and anti-social. His mother was hopeful that the sickness he had, whatever it was, was the reason for his behavior.

At the end of the show, however, when they figure out what was wrong with him, House lets the Mother know that, unfortunately, the illness wasn't causing his behavior. He tells her, in so many words, that her son is just a jerk. That's why he behaves that way.

It got me thinking about depression, because depression is an illness that can, and usually does, have a deep impact on how you behave toward other people. But it doesn't define everything you do. As much as I tend to give anyone the benefit of the doubt when they are dealing with depression, I've learned that sometimes, that doesn't explain all their poor behavior.

Sometimes, people are just annoying, self-centered and/or mean. Suffering from depression or healing from depression doesn't really change that.

If you're currently undergoing treatment for depression, that doesn't give you carte blanche to be self-centered and annoying either. Most people will give you the benefit of the doubt, but not for too long.

Movie Review Time

OK first off, let me just say that if you haven't seen, and are planning on going to see, Reign over Me, the new Adam Sandler/Don Cheadle movie, you might want to skip this post. I'll be providing some details about the movie that you might not want to know going in. No, not the ending or anything like that, but still.....

OK, now if you are still reading, I assume you are ok with knowing this so here it goes.

There's a scene in the movie that really rang true to me, because I've been there. Shortly after Charlie tries to commit "suicide by cop", he goes from being released from jail to a 3 day stay at Roosevelt Island for a psych evaluation. During this time, he doesn't really say anything, he just has the look of a defeated man, while everyone else talks around him about what to do with him. He has no input, nor does he offer any.

I recognized the feeling. There was a time, after a dissociative episode followed by a failed suicide attempt, when I was in a similar situation. I really didn't have anything to say, I was defeated. To my mind, I couldn't even kill myself correctly, I had nothing to offer in terms of how to take care of myself, it was up to other people to figure that out. I was resigned to the fact that these other people would decide what to do with me, all I could do was sit there. Just like Adam Sandler did in those scenes.

I don't know how accurate his overall portrayal of a widower who lost his entire family on 9/11 is, and I don't know if everyone will find it believable, but given the one part that I do have some experience with, I found it pretty true to life.

The rest of the movie is emotional, sad, touching, etc. Everything you'd expect given the plot. It's pretty good, but probably a bit heavy for some people.

Take a break

I was reminded of something rather important today. You see, I had made plans to meet up with a friend of mine for lunch Friday, her birthday had recently passed, and I took the opportunity to offer to buy her lunch and get to spend some time catching up.

Now, that's not anything earth-shattering, but it was an hour of spending time with a friend, having a few laughs, and just generally enjoying ourselves. I was reminded that all too often in our lives, especially in the midst of a long healing journey, we forget to take a break. We go from work to home, some of us to school, some of us to our kid's activities, some to therapy, some to volunteer work, that takes up more and more of our time, forgetting that sometimes the best healing is done in those times when you're not focused on it.

I can remember, quite a few years ago, when after spending almost a year unemployed, in debt and still on anti-depressants, I was trying my darndest to piece together my life. I spent about $50 signing up to play in a roller hockey league. Now, many people saw me spending this money so soon after I started working again as sort of wasteful, and maybe in a financial sense it was, but the extra $50 put toward paying off debt wasn't really going to change much of anything. On the other hand, knowing that one night during the week I was going to get some exercise, which was good for me, as well as do something that was a fun break from the intensity of dealing with everything else, helped me tremendously. When it came time to go to work, or do any of the million other little things I was dealing with at the time, I could do it with a fresh perspective because I was getting to take a break.

This week has been an especially intense one. There are a great many things weighing on my mind, some I've talked about here, some I'm not at liberty to talk about here yet, some I never will be able to. I can't tell you how much better I feel about those things because I get to take a break every now and again. Sharing a few laughs with a friend as I did today, or my wife, which I get to do frequently, is a great way to let those things go for a little while and fight off mild depression.

Men and Depression

Some heavy reading for tonight, courtesy of Psych Central. Newsweek put out a six page article about Men and Depression in which they suggest that the rate of depression in men is vastly under reported because of the weakness it suggests:

"Our definition of a successful man in this culture does not include being depressed, down or sad," says Michael Addis, chair of psychology at Clark University in Massachusetts. "In many ways it's the exact opposite. A successful man is always up, positive, in charge and in control of his emotions."

There's much more in the full article. I highly suggest reading it.

Dreams and Memories

The other night I had what I can only describe as a semi-dream. I'm fairly sure I was asleep, and dreaming, but everything in my dream actually happened. It was like having one long, vivid, memory. It was a memory of the night I tried to commit suicide, more than 10 years ago.

Nothing earth-shattering in remembering that. Obviously, my feeble attempt at slicing my wrists didn't get anywhere near deep enough, and the other options available to me mostly involved jumping or driving off a cliff along the Pacific Coast Highway, but I was very much afraid of failing in that and ending up paralyzed or something. One the other hand, I woke up with a real sense of fright. Not fright of making another attempt, but fright of what might have been. I can look back now and see that I was not solving anything, and the attempt was a huge mistake that I've since overcome. If I had been successful, I wouldn't have what I have now, there would be no looking back.

That night would have been the end of my journey. How many journeys ended the same way, and how many people never got to look back? I was close to being one of them. I'm glad I wasn't.

Improve your self-esteem

When I looked at this article on-line today I thought, wow, there are some really good ideas here for folks struggling with self-esteem issues, which is pretty much every one isn't it? Let alone survivors!

Anyway, here are 22 tips for maintaining high self-esteem. Do you have any other tips?

Seen via a link on Dumb Little Man.

Fighting Yourself?

Saw this interesting article called Are you Fighting Yourself? today via a link on Lifehacker. I found it interesting on two levels personally. One, when I was in the midst of depression, I saw this in myself all the time. I seemed to almost take pride in my misery, and not do anything to get out of it. I really had to learn how to be more positive and forward-thinking in order to get out of that.

The other reason it's interesting is that I've begun to see this sort of behavior in a couple of close friends, and it has me somewhat disturbed. Since I now spend all day coming at problems from a tech support perspective, I actually had a conversation the other day with someone who was making these sorts of complaints where I said "If what you're doing now isn't working, it's time to do something different." Technically, that's very easy to see. If you're trying to do something with a PC, and it's not doing what you think it should be doing, you don't sit there and keep pressing the mouse button in the hopes that this time it will. You try something different, you call in help, etc.

That seems so simple, and in truth it really is, but it can be a very difficult truth to see when you don't believe in yourself, and when you don't have hope for your life. So if you're having trouble doing something different because you have this fear of change, take some time and start to believe in yourself, and your future. Making changes will be easier when you do.

Ways to Reduce Stress

One of the causes of depression can be a either an unhealthy amount of, or an inability to cope with, stress. So, naturally when I spotted a post on LifeHacker about reducing stress, I had to click over through to the full article on 52 ways to reduce stress. There are some very good ideas here to help reduce stress, which is the best way to learn to cope with it!

Looking forward

In thinking about depression the last few days it occurs to me that so much of the battle to overcome it is simply about looking forward instead of back. I think this is obviously the case in depression caused by an abusive childhood, or any other kind of trauma, but I think it's also true in cases where it's not clearly related. Depression is all about losing the ability to enjoy life, and there's nothing more enjoyable about life than the anticipation of an upcoming event.

It seems to me the more people I meet who have suffered from depression at some point the more I can tell a difference between those that are looking forward, and those that haven't found that yet. The one's who are looking forward have accepted that they have to live with this disease, in some form or other, and are looking forward to what they can do with their lives now that they've learned that. The other group is still mourning what they've "lost" because of their depression.

The thing is, when you are suffering from depression, it's simply too difficult to look ahead to anything. You don't get any enjoyment from what you're doing now, why should tomorrow be any different? Yet at the same time, we all, for some reason, spend time regretting that our depression is going to make use change the life we're currently miserable in. I spent a long time mourning my first marriage when it was over, even though I was completely unhappy in it. It was only after I came to terms with the fact that being healthy was more important than not being single, was more important than any friendship I might lose because of my decisions, and would always be more important than anything else that might come along in my life, that I could then look forward. It was only after I was willing to make decisions that were healthy for me, regardless of what change that brought about in my circumstances, that my focus changed. Instead of looking back at what my life used to be, I began to look forward to the next healthy decision, no matter how small it was.

Instead of spending my time concerned with what had been, I spent my time finding things I could enjoy, and look forward to. Things as simple as watching a ball game on TV, or a trip to the library, or buying an ice cream. Choosing to do these things simply because I enjoyed them gave me a freedom I didn't have before. It gave me a sense of responsibility for my own happiness, and my own health. It made me focus my attention to the future. To the next activity I would enjoy doing, to the next day, the next week. As I focused on the next day, I became curious about what events would occur in the future that I couldn't plan, people I would meet, things I would learn, sights I would see. The more I allowed myself to focus on that, the less my depression had a hold on me. I was no longer stuck in my own misery, I was learning to anticipate what life had to offer, and what each day might bring.

I still have lost certain things. I have to spend more time watching myself for signs of slipping back into depression than other people do, I have to be careful about negativity and about expressing emotions in healthy ways more than other people do. Because of my past severe depression and dissociation I have to keep a close eye on things like my mental focus, how much I sleep, how much I eat, etc. to make sure I don't slip into a bad spell like that again. Most people don't have to do that, and I guess I could spend my time being angry about that, but who would I be hurting with that anger? I find it's much healthier to accept that as part of my life, and continue to look forward to what my life can be, instead of looking back to what it's not.

Inspiration is a funny thing

One of the "suggested topics" Lisa has for this month's carnival against child abuse is "What inspires you to heal?". I found that an interesting topic, not so much because I think there's any great inspiring thing out there, but because really the answer for me was a simple one.

I hit rock bottom in terms of depression, making unhealthy choices, and needing to do something to change things at around the age of 28. And when I say rock-bottom, I mean rock-bottom as in homeless, being found passed out (ill, not drunk) in an alley way, spending nine days in a hospital and having to be released into my mother's custody, because the psych ward wouldn't let the hospital release me to my own care. After your mother has to travel 1000 miles to get you at that age, and a stranger has to bathe you because you haven't the strength to do it yourself, there's really not much lower you can go, dignity-wise.

So, after hitting that point, I really saw a choice. Not to get all Hollywood on you, but it was a "get busy living, or get busy dying" moment for me, and since I had already failed at trying to commit suicide, I figured living was probably the way to go. The thing was, I was 28! Chances are, I was going to live for a long time from that point on, and I realized for maybe the first time ever, just how long life can be.

What I mean is, while I absolutely condone the idea that life is short and you should enjoy it while you can, in this respect it is also very long. It's one thing to have spent the first 28 years of my life being affected by my childhood and the depression, it's quite another to spend your whole life like that. Simply put, I wanted to heal because 60, 70, or 80 years is a LONG time to live like this. I didn't want the next 40 years of my life to be like the first 30. I wanted something better. I wasted those 30 years because of what other people did to me as a child, but I wasn't a child any more, and whatever I was going to do from that point on was up to me. It wasn't up to someone to "make it up to me", or to rescue me from my childhood, it was up to me to heal, to build a life for myself, and to find enjoyment from whatever life that was to be.

It was time to "get busy living" and see what happened with the rest of my time. Fact is, once I decided on that path, my own natural curiosity to see how it turns out would keep me going, and using that to keep looking ahead has helped keep me continue healing.  It's hard to get suicidal when you're always wondering what tomorrow will bring. :)

Fragile Self Esteem

One thing that's been on my mind lately is the concept of self-esteem and how other people can affect it. Granted, the ultimate goal in our journey would be to have a healthy enough level of self-esteem that we can forge ahead even when other people are doing things that cause us to question ourselves, but let's face it, for most of us dealing with childhood abuse issues, that goal is still in the future.

The question for me is, what people are having a negative impact on my self-esteem and how to deal with that. If someone is actually trying to make me self-conscious or to doubt myself, the healthy thing to do is find a way to not have to interact with that person anymore. But sometimes people just manage to find small ways to do the same thing without actually trying to. It's not so obvious to me whether the healthy thing to do is try to not interact with them, or simply learn to not allow those little comments, or acts to have that much of an affect on me.

It's a tough call. Growth comes through dealing with different people and different situations. If the goal is to learn how to not allow other people to shake your belief in yourself, then you need to be exposed to some situations where people make you uncomfortable. On the other hand, too much of that can cause a crushing loss of self-esteem that would be highly unhealthy, and dangerous.

Dissociating

I read with great interest Marj's post about feeling grief as opposed to dissociating. One, because I also was diagnosed with one of those "other" dissociative disorders, with fugue being the "major" symptom. But secondly, because my history of dissociating has been a concern of mine recently. I'm due to have some minor surgery in a couple of days, and while I know with full certainty that it's a very simple procedure and there shouldn't be any problems, I still have some fear and anxiety about it, mostly because I'm unsure of exactly how I will react to the situation!

The surgery is a minor procedure, truth be told I'm having a vasectomy, making our decision to not have children a permanent one. Not a major deal, but then again, as a survivor of sexual abuse, simply by virtue of the location of the procedure, it stands to be somewhat emotionally traumatic for me. Perhaps I will write about both the procedure and my difficulty with it in more detail over the weekend, after it's over. :)

Unfortunately, when faced with this anxiety I have noticed myself dissociating ever so slightly. That's not good. That's not the healthy way to deal with this, but it is still my natural inclination. I still react to the stress the same way I always dealt with my depression, having the desire to either sleep, or just not be present in some way, until it's all over. I'm afraid that in a small, but significant way, I haven't been here lately while I wait for this to be over.

Which just goes to show, even after all this time some behaviors are very tough to unlearn.

Re-learning how to live

I've talked a bit here about how much depression, especially the dissociative disorder I suffered from, is similar to alcohol or drug abuse. No, obviously there are big differences but both are the result of self-destructive behavior and act as a coping mechanism. My response to pain, suffering, stress, etc. was to dissociate, turn the depression into a barrier between reality, and my own physche. Alcoholics or drug users, drink or use as a response to pain, stress, etc.

One area that I've been thinking about the similarities are after the initial diagnosis and treatment. When you enter rehab or a 12 step program and stop using, you've taken a giant leap forward, no doubt, but you're not done. When you enter therapy and maybe get put on anti-depressants, you've taken a giant step forward, but you're not done either. There's a pretty common misconception that all a user has to do is stop using to have a normal life, much like there's a misconception that someone with depression and dissociation only has to get the right medication and then they'll be fine, but it's not true.

Remember, the using and the depression both are a reaction to pain and suffering. Until you learn how to handle pain in healthy ways, you are not really better. For myself, I had to spend much of my late twenties into my early thirties learning how to be an adult. How to make healthy decisions, how to cope with painful situations, how to handle the stresses of adult life. I had spent my childhood dissociating in order to deal with the pain and stress of an abusive childhood. Being medicated helped keep me from completely getting lost in my dissociation, but it didn't teach me how to do something else to handle pain and suffering. That took a long time and a lot of work. over coming addiction isn't only about not using, it's also about learning what else you can do when you are in painful or stressful situations. That takes time, and it takes work. Overcoming addiction, depression, and various other "issues" is about so much more than just stopping one unhealthy behavior, it's about growing up and learning to live in a healthier way. Give yourself the time to learn how to do that.

Holiday reading

I had reserved a copy of James Frey's Million Little Pieces a while ago at the local library on the recommendation of a friend. This friend and I have recently had shared the experience of a mutual frined of our going into rehab and she said that it really helped her understand what was going on. It does do that, but the other thing it did for me was bring back some rather painful memories. No, I was never an addict in the same sense that James is, I can't allow myself to be out of control enough to get drunk or get high. If anything, I've been more of a control addict since suffering the abuse.

But, there's a lot in common between addiction and depression, and I saw that in this story. The self-destructive behavior and the suicide attempts. The inability to form normal relationships, using people, lying, being manipulative, etc. Instead of covering up drug or alcohol abuse, I was covering up my own sickness, my disgust with everything I did and everything I was.

Yes, I think it's fair to say that I suffered from a form of self-abuse just as much as an addict does. I just chose to hurt myself in different ways. Reading this book gave me both a deeper understand of what my friend has been going through, but it also helped me understand myself a little bit better too, and maybe more importantly, it served as a vivd reminder of why I want to make sure I do everything I can to stay healthy.

Worry and panic

I was chatting with someone the other day about this issue. In came up in regards to someone they know is who dealing with an overwhelming change in their life. The constant worry and fear of what's going to happen has overwhelmed them to the point where they don't eat, sleep or do much of anything. It sounded so familiar and the answer seems so obvious, but it can be one of the hardest things to learn to do.

Of course, the answer is similar to the way you handle a huge project at work. You work on, and worry about, one piece at a time. You don't finish all the various parts of a project at once, you work on part, finish it, work on another part, etc. Yet, when it comes to our personal lives, this is exactly what we try to do.

We drive ourselves to distraction worrying about things that we have no power to work on! When I was suffering from depression, this is exactly what I did. I spent so much mental energy worrying, and being afraid of everything, that eventually I didn't have the energy to get out of bed, go to work, or take care of myself in any way. That is the sickness.

It took years of therapy and anti-depressants, but eventually I learned to live life the way I approach work. When I'm faced with major changes, or just every day fears, I do what I can do, and don't worry about what I can't. The trick is to identify what you can do.

So, when you're faced with being unemployed, for example, you do what you can do. You come up with a plan to look for a new job. You read books on job search techniques and get in contact with anyone who might be able to help you find a job. You start budgeting your money better and eliminating unnecessary expenses. You don't spend a lot of time worrying about the national unemployment rate, the state of the economy or what your neighbors are thinking about you. That's wasted energy, because you can't do anything about those things. They are what they are, and they are going to be what they're going to be, whether you worry about them or not. So why bother?

Remember your goal is to find a new job. That is the part you have to work on, so work on it. Don't try to take on the big picture of how this might affect your plans to buy a house in "X" years, or start a family, or save for your kid's college. Until you find a job, none of those things can be worked on. When it's time to work on those things, you'll work on them, but until then, don't.

This might seem a bit cold, and calculated, for some of you, and to some degree it is. I'm not advocating a non-emotional state of Mr. Spock-like logical living. That's not healthy either. What I am advocating is living in the now, dealing with today's problems. When you are faced with climbing a flight of stairs, you don't worry about climbing all 10 steps. You step on the first step, then the second, and so on. Eventually, you get to the top, but not without working on each step on the way, one at a time.

Some good advice

Just saw over on Christine's blog that she was finally able to bring herself to get help for her depression. She doesn't suffer from the debilitating form of bipolar disorder that left her unable to function, but it was enough to limit her ability to focus, and to get the most out of her life. Good for her!

I especially want to echo her final words of the post:

"If you have any reason to be concerned about your mental health, get help. Talk to a doctor, a counselor, a therapist - whatever. Do it for yourself."

An excellent idea.

Asking for help

I was having a conversation the other day, trying to explain why being embarassed about asking for help is such a "guy" thing, when the reality struck me dead in the face.

Society really tells us that men are independent and don't need help, and I've often wondered if this isn't the reason men, generally, seek treatment for depression less often than women do. I think it is, I know it was one of the reasons it took me so long to ask for help when I was suffering. Looking back, I might have avoided some really messy stuff if I had the courage then to ask for help. I don't think not asking was the strong, courageous thing to do, I think it was the cowardly thing to do. Standing up, and admitting that you need help, takes more courage than sitting quietly by why your life wastes away.

I would hate to think that any one of my friends was afraid to ask me for help because they were afraid of me seeing them as anything less than strong. I would hope they would understand that, from where I've been, not helping when I could, or mocking someone who needed help, who be the height of hypocrisy. I know better. Let's hope more people learn that.

Quote for today

Found in an entry at Jennet.Radio, and actually taken from a longer piece at sugarfused.net:

I, for one, will not allow my spirit to be consumed by worry, doubt or fear. Those things may trickle in from time to time but life is too short to squander away on such things. I have to work hard at pulling myself out of the ruts I create for myself.

As they say, read the whole thing...

I don't get it

You know what I don't get? I don't get people who are constantly unhappy with their lives, and never do anything to make a change. I mean, really, if your life is so horrible and frustrating, do something else. Happiness doesn't just happen, it requires action on our part. If you're unhappy and constantly complaining about something in your life, and you're not at least trying to make a change for the better, it's really hard to have much sympathy for you.

And if you're suffering from depression and not doing something about it, go do something! It won't "go away" on it's own. It's your own responsibility to get help, and it's your own responsibility to find happiness.

Sickness and depression

I've been sick the last couple of weeks. Nothing major, just one of those stubborn head colds that seems to stay with you forever! It's getting better slowly, I even managed to make it to work every day this week after taking two days off last week. The thing I most hate about it, is how much stuff gets left undone. I mean it's a struggle just to get to work and get through the day, so a bunch of techie projects that I've been wanting to work on at home have gotten dropped. Things like keeping track of when I need an oil change, or scheduling an appointment to get a haircut, or finishing the book I started, all just seem to get lost in the struggle to just get through the day. Today I realized that it's an awful lot like being depressed.

If you've never experienced depression, think of it this way. Think of the times when you're physically sick. On good days you struggle through the work day, come home, maybe have something to eat, and don't have the energy to do anything more than maybe watch some TV and fall asleep. On bad days you don't even make it to work, you lie around the house, lacking the energy to really get involved in anything. Taking a shower makes you tired. Stopping for groceries on the way home seems like a Herculean task. You're so doped up on medicine and feeling bad that you can't even follow a conversation so you just don't talk to anyone. You wander around in a fog, not really caring about anything, because it all requires too much energy. Everything is a struggle. You just want to get better and back to normal, and you get crabbier and more impatient the longer it takes.

Now imagine living that way all the time, because it's not a virus that's going to get better over time, it's part of you.

Bright light treatment

Thanks to a link from Doug Klippert, I found this article about something called "Bright Light Therapy" which can be used to effectively change the timing of the body clock.

"Probably the greatest use of bright light therapy is for the treatment of winter depression, especially in very northern countries which have little sunlight in the winter months. These sufferers appear to have delayed body clocks and benefit most from morning light therapy."

An interesting concept. Hopefully it can provide some relief to all those who suffer from SAD in the near-future!

Personality profile

It occured to me yesterday while I was filling out a 200 question "personality profile" as part of my job search, that I'll never be able to sit and take that sort of things without thinking about the hours and hours spent filling out similar profiles for depression screening, etc. back when I first started therapy, and when I was in the hospital during the psych consult. I've taken too many of those in my life....

The other kind of memories

So I told you about the good memories that were invoked on the earlier part of the trip. Now, I think I'm ready to talk about the not-so-good ones that were invoked.

I was in Baton Rouge, Louisiana the ther night. It was a convenient place that was only a couple of hours from Gulfport and on the way to Natchez and Vicksburg so it got added to the itinerary. Plus, this way I could take a day to visit the LSU campus and some of the plantation homes along the Mississippi in that area. It did occur to me that the last time I was in Baton Rouge, Jan 1997, my car broke down and then I broke down, needing 9 days in the hospital to recover. It was easily one of the lowest points in my life. I could probably point to it as the "bottoming-out" of my depression, the point where I knew I either had to get help and get my life together or just go ahead and die right there. Obviously, I chose the former. :)

Anyway, I drove to the area west of Baton Rouge where my car broke down, Livingstone. I then drove down Hwy 190 toward Baton Rouge, which was a trip I made on foot 7 plus years ago. Some of it looked familiar, some of it had changed. Eventually I found the place where I finally passed out and had to be picked up in an ambulance. I was struck by how easily I could feel the way I felt then, weak, desperate, and hopeless. Needless to say it wasn't easy to shake that feeling, and I had a hard time even getting to sleep later, but I managed, by remembering how good my life is now, and how much I enjoy the life I share with my wife every day. I'm not desperate, not hopeless. I'm healing from those scars..

And in some ways, I'm glad I tracked down those memories and brought them to the surface. They're embarassing in many ways, but they are part of me, and of my past. Better to acknowledge them than run away.

Anger

You know, I've read a lot of political blogs, from all sides of the political spectrum and I'm struck by just how angry and hateful a lot of people are. Life's too short to waste so much energy being angry and hating. All that bile and angst just ends up hurting you in the end. It's no wonder, with the climate of anger we live in, that depression has become an epidemic.

Far better to realize that no matter who's in office and what people agree or disagree about, you still have to go live your life. You should put aside the anger and enjoy it, because before you know it, it'll be gone.

Depression and faith

Now some of you may know that I've certainly had my personal run-ins with religious leaders and Christians over the issue of depression and faith. For those of you just tuning in, there have been a large number of folks who have been of the belief that depression is just a sign of weak faith and that the "fix" to depression is not medical but a matter of more prayer. These people have, at various times, felt the need to express this belief to me in no uncertain terms. Obviously, I do not feel the same.

That's why it was nice to see Billy Graham, of all people, advising a man whose wife is suffering from depression to seek professional help!

Excellent Article

I was looking around this morning and stumbled upon this article written by a young women suffering from, trying to overcome, and learning everything she can about depression. I thought it was a pretty good look inside the mind of someone who suffers from depression. I especially idenitifed with this quote:

"Diabetes is manageable, you can work with it," says Tim Osner, director of Behavioral Health Services at Portsmouth Regional Hospital. "Depression is a mood disorder. It’s not just a sadness, it’s a disruption in sleep, eating and relationships. It truly affects who you are."

I find it difficult to describe what I was like before I got better and learned to manage my illness. I'm quite sure that Angela has no idea how I was and why I did things and this is maybe the best answer I can give her. When I suffered from depression I was a completely different person, it was one of the core things that were central to my life. Now it isn't. It's still there and still needs to kept in check using all the tools I learned from years of therapy, but it's not at center of my being anymore. How do you understand that if you've never been through it?

Holidays

It's holiday time here in the US again. We'll be traveling later today and spending Thanksgiving with the in-laws. Should be nice to spend some time down there with them.

But being with family isn't what I want to talk about today, it's being thankful. It may not seem like, as an abuse survivor, there's a whole lot for you to be thankful about. I've been there. I've got a ton of things to be thankful for now in my life, but I'm not far removed from the days when it was very different. The days when being alive was the most I could be thankful for, and even that I wasn't so sure about.

Looking back now, I am thankful that I was still alive after everything. That in itself was no small miracle, given that I had treid to actually commit suicide. But being alive means that there will be a tomorrow, and that gives you another chance to enjoy a day, to make a memory, to have a happy moment. There's always the hope that tomorrow will be better, that some small thing will spark a smile, or even a laugh, or a moment to share with our loved ones. Let this holiday weekend be filled with those moments. The moments that make life worth living, that fill our memory with joy and happiness. Seize the day to make your moments and share them with the people who are there to share them with..

Things you're missing if you don't visit the forums because that's where I put them:

Brain Chemistry 101

Holiday depression

Child sex abuse survivor tells parents what they need to know

A note

Just a note, something that has long bothered me, and has recently come to my attention again. Being in therapy, or suffering from depression, or being a survivor of child abuse, does not give you an excuse to be completely self-absorbed and act like an ass.

That is all.. :)

Maybe I'm in the wrong industry?

Given abuse victim's severe dislike for anything they can't control, and depression sufferer's tendency to feel completely overwhelmed when things don't work they way they should, maybe working with computers wasn't the best choice I could have made. When things go wrong, they really tend to go wrong, and when things don't work, trying to find the source of the problem can be a very overwhelming challenge for anyone, let alone someone who has to be mindful of not feeling too overwhelmed.

On the other hand, being able to fix problems and control the technology is a pretty powerful feeling in it's own right, so maybe that's why I got interested to begin with, eh?

Workers depression

This is an interesting article for me. It states that just 2% of workers feel like their manager would be able to help them if they suffered from mental illness such as depression. Here's the thing, I had two very different experiences when I first was diagnosed with sever depression. My first boss, once I came back from a leave of absence, sat me down in her office, told me that she was there to talk or do whatever she needed to do to help me get well, including rearranging my schedule to allow for therapist appointments, but that I would have to come to her. In order to maintain my privacy, she was never going to say another word about it. I could explain my schedule to coworkers any way I wanted to, and she would treat me exactly the same in front of them as she did before. That was wonderful! It was exactly what I needed, to be given room to work on my own survival, but to generally be treated equally to everyone else in the workplace.

After I transferred to another department, my new supervisor fancied himself a psychology "expert" and proceeded to tell me that he'd seen my personnel records and that he would be "keeping an eye" on me, for my own good, and that he would have me in to talk about what was going on if he felt I needed it. He consistently treated me differently than the other people under his employ and I was gone 3-4 months later. I hated working there, I hated him and I never once felt comfortable working for him after that. Since then, most people I've worked for I'm fairly certain would have no clue what to do if confronted with the situation.

I can see now, years later, that the first supervisor was very much in the minority, and I miss working for her. :)

That's why, when it comes to dealing with other survivors or victims of depression on this site, I try and treat them all the same as I would non-survivors, and I basically take the same approach that that first supervisor did. I'm always here to read an email or listen, but I don't, generally, make it my business to track after people who write me, or pronounce my opinions without being asked first. I wouldn't do that to just anyone so why should I treat survivors differently if they never asked me to?

Enjoying

Enjoying
Read something today over in this post on Subversive Harmony. There's a whole bunch of stuff in the post but as I was reading this line struck me:

"Do things you enjoy because you enjoy them, and enjoy the things you do on their own terms. Anything else is icing."

Way back in the day, shortly after getting out of the hospital and once I was able to get out and around a little bit, this was almost exactly the mantra I started to live by. So much of my depression could be tied to not only the abuse I suffered as a child, but my overwhelming obsession with justifying everything I chose to do. Every choice I made, every activity I got involved in had to have a higher purpose. If I was watching TV by myself it had to be something educational, or if I was going to watch a movie I had to do it with someone else so it could be part of a relationship building thing because we were spending time together. I couldn't allow myself the simple freedom to do something because it was fun.

It's funny, because from the outside I'm sure the changes I made seemed a little bizarre. I mean shortly after I, finally, got back to working again, I signed up to play rollerhockey. The league fee was $55 and since I had just spent more than a year being unemployed there were plenty of other things that money could have gone towards. But, it wasn't going to make or break me at that time, it just meant I'd be a little bit later in paying off some other things. That $55 was spent on doing something for me, something that I enjoyed and something that played a small, but signifcant role in helping me get my life back again. It was something that made me feel like a normal person again, part of a normal group. That was the icing that came from doing something just because I enjoyed it, and it was maybe one of the best decisions I had ever made up to that point in my life.

Description of depression

Natalie wrote about the way depression affects her on her blog the other day. As I was reading it, well it was all too familiar, ya' know? This part, in particular:

"In my depressions (and I’m only talking about myself here – want to get that disclaimer out there so as to avoid offending anyone else who suffers) I would probably describe myself as absent."

Absent is a good word for it. In some extreme cases, like I had years ago, that absence can mean even a physical absence, when the dissociation forces either a new identity, or a missing one. I think that's the big difference between depression as a sickness and "feeling sad or blue". Everyone feels sad at some point in their life. Not everyone is absent. Depression causes a certain level of dissociation. Where that level falls is different for each individual, and changes over time but it is most definitely there. Even now, when it's been years since I had what would formally be called a dissociative episode, and years since I had to be on the pills, I still have my bad days. Days when I'm physically there, but not really there. Days when I could really be described more as a shell than a complete person. Days when nothing interests me, nothing motivates me, nothing makes me even remotely happy for a few minutes. That's depression, those days when even the things you love and are passionate about, don't move you at all. Nothing moves you. You're not capable of feeling sad, because feeling would actually involve a level of involvement with life that you don't have.

I'm sure, to my wife, those days are hard to deal with. And I'm sure if you've never suffered from depression or known someone well enough to have seen it, this is all just a mystery, but it is very real., and it's very difficult.

Makes you sad

Is there anything more sad than watching someone suffering from depression and being unable to see their own talents and skills? Someone who's view of themselves is so low that they don't even try anymore because they can't see themselves being successful at anything. Or is it just me, looking back, knowing that I've been there and that these people are better than they give themselves credit for?

Migraines and Depression

According to this Psychology Today article people who regularly get migraines are more likely to suffer from major depression than people who don't. I suffered from major depression for a long time and have had migraines for as long as I can remember. But I don't think the migraines caused the depression, the child abuse caused the depression, but maybe it caused the migraines too, since they are biologically related?

Link pulled from Nutz'so

Some people

You know, some people really are completely self-centered, some are just plain mean, some are inconsiderate, some are completely ignorant. In general, some people just suck!

I refuse to be one of them, and I refuse to let their actions have any bearing on my life whatsoever.

So there! :)

War Coverage

Want to know the quickest way to depression? Leave CNN on all day. I guarantee the non stop war coverage will leave you unable to deal with life.

You see, the thing is, we have 24 hour news coverage, but our minds were never designed to handle non-stop war coverage. We can be concerned for our soldiers and be informed about what is going on and why, without hving to watch all the time. It's OK, and healthy, to turn off the war coverage and go do something else. Preferably something fun, that you enjoy.

If it makes you feel selfish and guilty, just remember, the soldiers are fighting to give Iraqi's the same rights that you and I enjoy in a free country. The biggest of those rights being the right to live, and enjoy, your own lives.

St. Patrick's Day

Today is St. Patrick's Day, and while to many of you that simply means green beer and parades, to me, and many other Irish-Americans it means something else entirely.

You see, in Ireland, traditionally, St. Patrick's Day has not been a big party. In fact, most see it as a very holy, somber day. There are parties there now, but for the most part they are put on to satisfy the tourists more than they are any real example of how the Irish view the day. No St. Patrick's as celebration is entirely an Irish-American invention, and with good reason.

St. Patrick's Day, to the Irish immigrant, was the day to be proud of where they came from. It was the day to show all those in America who would oppress them and try to force them out of the country that they were here to make a life for themselves and their family. It was the day to show the rest of America that the Irish were here to stay and they had as much rights to the American Dream as any other people.

As the generations have passed, however, the day has lost some of that meaning and it's a shame. Most of us now live very comfortable, safe lives when compared to what our forefathers lived. We can't fathom what it was like to come to a new country, to a country that welcomed them and hated them all at the same time. We can't imagine having to sail across the Atlantic in a rickety, disease-infested boat with nary enough food and water to survive the trip, all to try and escape the oppression and famine that ravaged their homeland, only to be met by poverty and violence upon arrival. That we've forgotten this is much to our own shame.

Also, much to our own shame, is that we, as children of immigrants, would now deny the freedom from oppression and starvation that the Irish were able to carve out for themselves in America, to others. There are millions, if not billions, of people living without the freedoms we take for granted in the world today. Shame on us for turning our backs on them in order to keep our own, safe, lives from being disturbed.

Every human should have the right to his own beliefs and the right to try and make a life for himself and his/her family. No one, especially not those of us who have not had to live with oppression because of the sacrifices of our immigrant ancestors, should turn their back on the suffering of the world. Shame on us for allowing this suffering to go on in the name of "peace and understanding". Shame on us for allowing parts of the world to be ruled by those who would oppress, rape, torture, and kill those who disagree with them. Shame on us for not speaking up in the defense of those who cannot speak up for themselves, and most of all, shame on us for losing the fortitude that our forebearers had to stand up against tyranny and racism so that they, and their children, might be free.

Today we look at a world in which billions of people are not free. Think about that for a moment, billions of people right now do not have the freedom to go about their lives. They do not have the freedom to worship any god of their choosing, do not have the freedom to work, or to even go outside, let alone such pleasures as dancing and singing. Basic human rights are denied to billions of people, not by the West, and the "evil" American government, but by their own governments and the tyrants that run them. Will we turn our back on those people? Will we watch their suffering and do nothing? Or will we demand their freedom and their rights with the same vigor that the Irish immigrants demanded ours?

So tonight, drink your green beer, lift your pints to St. Patrick. Most of all lift your pints in remembrance of the sacrifices made by the Irish immigrants, and the freedoms that you and I have by virtue of being born in America. Then think about those who don't enjoy those freedoms and pray that they may come to know what it is like to truly be free.

SAD

I made an interesting realization last night. It has alot to do with what's been giving me headaches and making me feel sick and just generally making me feel unmotivated. I think it's my own little bizarre form of Seasonal Affectation Disorder. You see, our winters have been pretty mild, up until this year, and I've sort of forgotten what bad weather does to me, especially driving in bad weather.

You see, the reality is, that while my wife had her panic attack about driving in snowy/icy conditions outwardly, I have been having my own but internalizing them. I've been feeling all the panic and lack of control that is normal when driving in those conditions, not to mention the fact that my car had been giving me problems and making me nervous about driving to begin with, but I haven't expressed it in any way. Instead of admitting that I was stressed about the weather, and work, and looking for a new job, I simple internalized it, thereby making myself physically sick, and more likely to need to just stay in bed, where I don't have to deal with any of it. A nice little plan, isn't it? :)

I do seem to recall that most winters, especially during bad weather like we've had this year, I mostly feel terrible, and never really want to leave the house. In fact, I rarely do leave the house, and even then, I walked, a lot. I could be in control of walking better than I could be in control driving on snow.

So with our trip to Baltimore coming up this weekend, and my natural instinct to not go anywhere or deal with anything stressful until I don't have to stress about the weather, something had to give! I think the stress is giving. Now that I can identify what's causing it, I can deal logically with it and control it. I can convince myself that it's ok to go outside again, just like I did all summer and fall. I can deal with the world, as it is, without having to resort to hiding out in my house...

Hopefully the winter is done here, and I can get back to my normal life and my regular fears. :)

Deep Thoughts

I was looking through some of the tech blogs I normally read, when I discovered something that touched that part of me that struggles with depression and self-esteem issues. It was this post on "Just Another Geek's Blog that touched me:

"When the realization hit that I was 'happy with myself' for that one moment it was staggering."

I imagine it was, and it's most defintely too rare a thing to have those moments, that's for sure! I hope we can all find a way to have more

In a funk

I don't know what's been going on the last few days. I don't feel really good physically, but I don't have any real "sick" symptoms. I'm easily irritated, have little patience for anything, don't seem able to focus for very long, have lost interest in a lot of things, and just generally feel very "blah" right now. For someone with a history of clinical depression, those are not good symptoms at all. Not that I'm necessarily going back into a depressed state, in the clinical sense. Sometimes you just have days like that, but I need to figure it out. I can't really let it go much longer without doing something about it.

The question is, what to do about it? In order to know that, I need to figure out what, exactly, is causing it, and right now I'm pretty clueless on that front. Maybe I just need to take a day off, away from everyone and everything, and just be by myself. That usually helps me sort it out, but I don't know when I'll get a chance to do that again. Perhaps this weekend, Angela is working some of Saturday anyway. Maybe I'll just take advantage of that, and take a long drive and spend the day by myself somewhere. It'd probably do me some good.

Lunchtime wanderings

My wife did a wonderful job of packing me a lunch for today, and I did an equally wonderful job of forgetting to grab it this morning on my way out. :)

So, I was off at lunch to walk around downtown a bit, have some food, enjoy the nice weather, etc. It was a little too hot, but not the unbearable heat we've been having. Yesterday, since I was at a conference, I grabbed some street vendor fare and found myself a nice shady spot near the Statehouse to enjoy my lunch. Today I strolled around for a bit, got something from the deli and took it back to my office. Both occasions were a nice break from sitting in my office, looking at PC's all day. I need those types of "stress breaks". They keep me sane, they are a good defense against dissociating, because they deal with stress in a healthy way, not allowing it to build into an unhealthy mess. On the other hand, it's somewhat sad that I have to worry about it, and watch my stress levels so carefully. Considering the alternative, I'm more than happy to be careful and watch my stress levels, but sometimes I wish I didn't have to worry about the alternative...

From a comment

Someone left this in a comment:

I've found that feeling nothing is *usually* worse than being happy and sometimes having it taken away.

You know, that's something that doesn't get talked about a whole lot, but I would like to discuss further. Yes having emotional pain is terrible, and can be quite unpleasant, to say the least, but it's part of life. The good and bad emotions we feel are what makes us human and what makes life, well, life. I spent a good many years trying to perfect the art of "feeling nothing", and got pretty damn close at that. But it didn't make my life ok, it made it nonexistant. Feeling nothing meant being nothing and experiencing nothing. I imagine it's about as close to just being dead as I could get without actually dying. In a way it's the same sort of solution that suicide is. You feel pain, the pain is temporary, and you go for a permanent solution. All of life is not pain, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself of that, and dying, be it physically or just emotionally, negates the ability to have any sort of happiness in your life, ever. Doesn't sound like a fair trade to me.

Struggles

One of the common struggles for me is the feeling I have that no matter how happy I am right now, I'm inevitably going to do something eventually to screw it up and lose that happiness. That no matter how much someone loves me, I'm always "this" far away from not having it any longer. I suppose it's a learned behavior from years of not being happy, or being disappointed by people, but how do you change what is, essentially, a feeling?

What excites you?

I'm thinking today about what really excites me. What really makes me feel alive. Two things leap to mind, one the love of my wife, and the other learning something new. I get totally jazzed and excited when I start to talk to people and share ideas and learn from our conversations. I really feel that starting to happen over at my Tech site, and it's something I want to start doing over here as well. I'd love to start developing a community of people helping each other to deal with abuse, depression, whatever. I've gotten some of that over the years with this site, but now that I have the know-how and technology to do comment conversations here, or eventually do some sort of forum or chat or something, I really want to see that sort of thing come to fruition. I just need to figure out how to best get there from here.

How about you, what really makes you feel alive?

Things I needed to learn

Things I needed to learn before I could be "healthy" Part 2:

90-95% of the things that go on in the world are completely beyond my control. Spending a lot of emotional energy worrying about them is a waste because none of that energy is going to change the outcomes of those things, but it is going to make me manic. Better to expend my energy on the things I can control and can have an impact on.

The first in a series,

The first in a series, I think:

Things I needed to learn before I could be "healthy".

My happiness is my responsibilty. If I'm not pursuing the things that make my life fulfilling, they aren't going to happen. Allowing other people to make decisions for me was never going to bring me happiness.

Remember, the rest of Geocities site will be offline this weekend while they move servers. This blog will still be here, as it's hosted on my domain. (I really need to think about moving everything, don't I?)

I'm happy with my life.

I'm happy with my life. For really the first time in my 33 years of life, I'm really, truly happy, and have been for some time now. Not that everything's perfect, there are still challenges and changes ahead, as in any life. But I'm really content with the way things are now, and where they are headed. I feel fully confident that I'll be able to make a good life for myself from now on. It's somewhat the antithesis to everything I believed for years. I thought I was just a bad person and bad things would always happen to me. That I should never trust anyone, because people were just out to hurt me, while at the same time I would never be able to take care of myself because I was such an abject failure. Those two thoughts seem like they don't leave much else do they? That's probably why I suffered from depression, probably why my idea of a life involved never getting out of bed, never dealing with anyone, never enjoying anything.

I'm so glad that's not me anymore. I hope it never is again.

Over a week later and,

Over a week later and, yet again, I find myself disappointed in myself. I don't know what it is, guilt, bad self image, what? It seems that every time I do less than perfectly at anything I just want to crawl into a hole and give up. Every time I disappoint someone else, especially, I just seem to go into this fit of self loathing. I just want to run away and never have to disappoint anyone ever again! Stupid, I know, but I just feel so..., so..., horrible. As if I'm not worthy of anything anymore because I've managed to make a mistake. God I wish I could stop this reaction!

Interesting email discussion over the

Interesting email discussion over the last few days about dissociation. There are so many ways that people dissociate, even in everyday life, that it's sometimes hard to pin down exactly what we mean. Dissociation can be something as extreme as multiple personalities or fugue states, but can also be used to describe daydreaming or "highway hypnosis" -That feeling you get when driving where you suddenly realize you're almost to your destination and you barely remember the trip at all.

I guess it's always been my belief that dissociating is only really dangerous when it interferes in your daily life. Like it did in mine with the fugue state that took me away for a whole month. Other, less intrusive forms can actually be somewhat normal and healthy ways of dealing with pain, or stress. Think of the athlete who can "ignore the pain" and continue to play as an example where dissociating may actually be helpful. But either way, it should never be the only tool we have in our emotional toolbox for dealing with stress. (Did I really just use that metaphor? Ick! *L*) Learn to recognize stress and anxiety and learn to deal with it in a healthy way before it reaches the point where you would feel the need to dissociate. Life's much better that way!