Child Abuse Survivor

How often do you think about other people?

One of the lessons I learned a few years ago, was that it's actually quite rare for someone to really notice you, or think about you.

Now, that may sound like a pretty depressing thought, and to some extent, it is. On the other hand, it's also very freeing. It frees us from worrying about doing something embarrassing, for example. Aside from the most outrageous examples, most of the things we beat ourselves up about, and feel embarrassed about, go wholly unnoticed by the majority of people. They never give it a second thought.

It also frees us from unrealistic expectations. Knowing that outside of my wife, and a few other people, most people are not going to give my upcoming birthday a second thought, frees me to be able to appreciate the folks who do take the time to wish me a happy birthday, or do something nice for me. It comes as a nice little surprise more than anything else. I go into it expecting that no one needs to do anything, and get to feel grateful when someone does.

Lastly, it also makes it pretty easy to impress someone. Like I said, when I come to realize that it's highly unlikely that most people gave me a second thought, I'm very impressed by, and appreciative of, the thoughtfulness of someone who actually does. Remember, being thoughtful and being considered a good friend is all about being slightly better than other people. We don't have to be perfect, we just have to stand out among the crowd. If the crowd is full of people who rarely give others outside their immediate circle a second thought, it doesn't take much to stand out. A simple willingness to remember a birthday, help out with a problem PC, follow up on an idea you've discussed, or an inclusion in social plans can go a long way to showing yourself as a caring, thoughtful person. Of course, that assumes you're doing it to be thoughtful, and not in an insincere attempt to get something out of it for yourself. That won't get you far, but a small gestures of kindness, goes a long way in a world of self-centeredness.

Check Ups

This past weekend I had to take my car to the shop. It had suddenly started making a funny noise, and so I took it in to have it looked at, and to just get it tuned up and make sure everything was working properly. The noise turned out to be some loose metal in the exhaust system, nothing major, nor expensive, and everything seems to be running pretty well aside from that.

The experience did, however, remind me that it's important to have things checked out occasionally, just to make sure there aren't any small problems, waiting to become big problems. Typically we hear that about ourselves in connection with getting a physical, or having some routine tests done to check for problems in our bodies, but we should also take time to do some self-checks of our mental state as well.

For me, that usually involves finding some quiet time, and reflecting. Not just on how I feel about life in general, but since I am known to have the ability to dissociate at the drop of a hat, to reflect on how I'm acting toward other people, and how they are responding to me.

Unfortunately, while being able to dissociate is a great way to focus exclusively on a specific task until it is done (ask my wife about how zoned in I can become trying to fix a technical problem..), it is a horrible way to go about keeping a check on your own emotional well-being. That's why it's important for me to have that time to stop, focus on just myself, my actions, and my emotions, and check up on how things are running. Sometimes a small problem, like noticing that my interactions with others are becoming a little more strained than normal, can be the thing that points me in the direction of a deeper emotional issue that I may not even be aware of yet before it becomes a big problem. 

That being said, it's high time for me to have some of that down time, and I intend to. After work on Friday, and before I get into what will be a very busy, but fun, Saturday, I'll take advantage of being home alone for the night, and spend some time reflecting on the last few weeks and looking forward to the next few weeks, just as a way to check up on myself.

Leaving Behind Beauty

Something in Douglas Welch's latest Career Opportunities column about Ugliness and Beauty struck a chord with me. In it Douglas urges his readers to consider their daily actions and whether they are creating beauty in them or ugliness.

Recently I have had reason to communicate with a few folks at work that I normally don't get to interact with very often. Back when I worked at the Help Desk, it was quite common to work with them, but in the year I've been working Litigation Support, the number of people I work closely with is much smaller. Many of the secretaries or non-litigation staff who I used to talk to regularly and enjoyed chatting with, I simply don't see very often.

After discussing this fact with a couple of them I came to two realizations. One, I needed to make an effort to get out of my office more. Not that I need to blow off work or go interrupt other people when they are working, but we work in an environment that is cordial and friendly, so it wouldn't hurt me to spend a few minutes simply walking up the stairs, and through a hallway or two instead of sending things in the interoffice mail. That would give me more possibilities to pass folks in the hallway, or walk past their desks and get the chance to say a quick hello.

The second realization is the one that really fits in with what Douglas was talking about. I don't have as many interactions with people as I used to, that makes it imperative that I leave behind something when I get the opportunity to. It's the difference between a friendly "hello, how are you?", with a friendly smile and just being lost in your own world and hurrying past everyone. I'm lost in my own thoughts too often. Heck, I'm lost in my own thoughts and in my own office too often!

I challenge you to think about the daily interactions you have with people, and how you can make them have more beauty.

One Thing at a Time

Obviously, things have been a little busy in the life of Mike lately. Actually, it's not so much that things have been busy that's kept me away from this blog, it's the overwhelming number of considerations that have kept my mind occupied on things other than writing about being a survivor.

So, I haven't had much to say about things, but lately I've been thinking that I need to stop letting my thoughts be preoccupied with things that may or may not occur. I can only do one thing at a time. I should only be focused on the one thing I'm doing. The rest will still be there, whether I spend time thinking about it or not, I should save my mental energy to work on what's in front of me.

So, for tomorrow it's work, then a wedding rehearsal dinner. Saturday will be finishing up packing for vacation before heading to my brother's wedding. Sunday we'll be hitting the road for vacation. There's many other things that'll be going on during that time, but we'll worry about that when we get back. There are events to be enjoyed, and memories to be made. No sense ruining those worrying about something I can't do anything about right now.

More on Overcoming Fear

There was an excellent post over at Lifehack today called Living Scared, which talked at length about the how and why of fear, and how living with too much fear can be detrimental to our own happiness. I won't go into much detail, go read it for yourself.

The one thing I will say is this. For Survivors, fear is a huge issue. I'd be willing to bet that most of us would list this as the top of all of our struggles. In fact, when I was reading in the post about how many people as so afraid of change, and so comfortable with their life the way it is now, even though it doesn't make them happy, I immediately thought of survivors. We're so desperate for a sense of control, a sense of "normal", that we gladly accept whatever that means. It may not be great, in fact it may not make us happy at all, but we're comfortable with it, and there's something to be said for that.

There is something to be said for that, certainly abuse survivors need a sense of safety, and comfort, but the goal of your healing shouldn't be just that. Trust me, I understand that is a lot of progress, getting to "comfortable"  was a huge step up from where I was at one time. But it's not enough. There's more to life than that. There are so many wonderful and exciting things to experience in life, and I want to learn to be less fearful, to have the courage to go out and do great things. I can't do that by accepting things just because it's what I know.

In the end, I didn't work this hard, and come this far, and go through all the crap I went through just to live a boring, unhappy existence. I need to remind myself of this daily, if not hourly! It is so easy for me to simply stick with what I know, instead of seeking out what will bring meaning and happiness to my life. I need to remember that the things I'm fearful of, failing, criticism, or big changes, aren't worse than what I've already survived. I will survive them as well.  

No April Fool's Joke

On April 1, 2000 Angela and I went out on our first date. (Insert your own "fool" joke here) Eight years later, well, here we are. Happily married and enjoying our lives together.

I point that out not so much as a way to point out how very lucky I've been since then (I have), but because eight years ago, I had absolutely no idea this would happen.

You see, sometimes life is like that. One date with the thought of "let's see what happens", turns into 6 years and counting of marriage. You just never know where things will take you in life. That's all the more reason to experience it as much as you are able. The experiences might not end up the same way our date from 8 years ago did, but you'll be better for whatever experiences come your way!

Technology to help with Social Skills

As I mentioned earlier, I was out of town for a good part of last week at a conference. Normally, my time at a conference is taken up with attending educational sessions, and then being a wallflower at the networking parts of the conference, if not skipping them altogether to see the city or watch TV in my room. Not this time.

One, I had made up my mind that I wasn't going to do that, I was going to, at least try to hang around and talk to people as much as I could manage. Secondly, the fact that I was blogging and using Twitter to talk about the conference meant that there was a small, but significant, number of people who were reading what I was writing as the show was going on, and actually wanted to find me and chat with me.

To me, the shy introvert that I am (though it has been an area of some improvement over the last few years, I no longer sweat and feel nervous when someone I don't know talks to me.), this is really the promise of the Internet, and social networking tools. Suddenly, rather than me having to try and talk about myself, I can spend time writing and connecting with people with things like this blog, and when I do get the opportunity to meet someone in real life, we already have this in common. Many of the first few folks I chatted with at Techshow had been reading my stuff about the show, and those conversations gave me the confidence to chat with other folks at various sessions and lunches, even when they weren't reading the blogs or following the conference Twitter back channel. At the end of the three days, I had made some good connections who I have much to learn from, and talked to many other people, sharing ideas, war stories, etc.

Overall, that made what was already a good educational conference that much more of a good experience, and one of the best times I've had working. :)

It's also what keeps me going, writing for a few different sites, keeping a profile in a number of places, and sharing my experiences here, the connections it makes possible, even if we never get to meet in person!

Fear of the Unknown

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about this idea lately. Seems there are people in my life, who I've always known were fearful of changes or unknown situations, recently I've found myself watching them be presented with interesting opportunities, and talking themselves out of even attempting them.

Now, don't get me wrong, I spent plenty of time in my life doing the same exact thing, so I've not much room to talk on the subject, but as I look back on those experiences, I'm fairly sure that many times I got over that fear because there was someone there pushing me, while also reassuring me that I would be alright if things didn't turn out well.

I'm not sure how to help others over this fear, but it saddens me. It's easy to convince ourselves that something new is scary, and dangerous. Sometimes it is, and sometimes there are legitimate reasons to be nervous about doing it. Often times, though, the worse thing that could happen, really isn't that bad, yet we convince ourselves that it is. sometimes, the biggest price you pay is some time wasted trying something new that doesn't turn out that great, when we have plenty of free time that we fritter away on other activities that aren't really making us that happy, but are comfortable and routine, so we keep right on doing them.

I like my routine, and I cherish my down time, my time to decompress especially. On the other hand, I want to be able to do new things, and have new experiences that help make life more interesting. It's those experiences that teach me about life, and being a better person. They give me things to write about, things I want to either share with my wife, or run home and tell her about., and things I can tell stories about to our friends. Sometimes those stories cause my friends to laugh at me, but if that's the worst thing that happens, so be it. I've lived through a hell of a lot more difficult things than that! I'm betting most of you have too.

Love for February

Ever since Marj mentioned that she was giving this month's edition of the Carnival Against Child Abuse a love theme, I've been struggling with what I wanted to say about love. Obviously, with tomorrow being Valentine's Day, the idea of romantic love is in the air, but that is only really part of love. A small part at that. I'm lucky, I have a wonderful wife to share that kind of love with every day, so while the day is a nice chance to show my appreciation for her love, I don't love her more on this particular day that I do every other day of the year. The day really isn't that big a deal.

On the other hand, love is a big deal. Even if you're not lucky enough to have a spouse or partner who you will be growing old with, it's important to have love in your life, wherever it comes from. Not necessarily romantic love, again, that's only a small part of the love that plays such an important part in our lives. The love of family and friends is equally, if not more, crucial to survivors.

Most crucial of all, of course, is love of yourself. For survivors this is a huge struggle. We don't often see ourselves as lovable. We don't look in the mirror and see movie star good looks, don't judge our character to be upstanding, know there are always smarter and more talented people around, etc. But I'm here to tell you, that's not love at all.

One of the best definitions I've ever heard of real love, I heard many, many years ago in a church teaching. The speaker was talking about the classic Biblical passage about love (Love is patient, Love is kind, Love believes all things, etc....) and was specifically talking about the idea that so many people tell him they don't love themselves. He disagreed. He finds very few people in the world don't love themselves if you get down to the core of what love is. His response when someone talks about not loving themselves was this "Did you shower today? Brush your teeth, have some breakfast?". If you did, you love yourself.

At the very core of love, is meeting needs. You love yourself by taking care of yourself. The only people in this world who don't love themselves, are the people who don't meet their own needs. I was one of those people when I was in the midst of major depression, because I didn't believe I was worth taking care of.

By the same token, the people who truly love you, are the people who are there to help you meet your needs. Again, be they a spouse, partner, family member or friend, they show love by being there to help. Friends, and family members, who only strive to take from you, don't love you in any deeper sense.

If you take anything away from this rambling, let it be this. Loving yourself isn't about heaping praise on yourself, or repeating phrases. It's about understanding that you are as worthy of being taken care of as any one else in this world. Any tool that detracts from that core goal, is useless, in my book. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do in life and should be the main focus of every day. If you get up, go to work, feed yourself, clothe yourself, etc. then you are loving yourself. It's not warm and fuzzy, but love isn't hardly just the warm and fuzzy stuff.

Secondly, to really love someone is to look out for their needs. To be ready and willing to help them however you can. Again, it's not about the warm and fuzzy stuff. I love my wife. I do that by taking care of myself, taking care of my work so that I have a job to help pay our bills, listening when she needs to talk, laughing when she is silly, crying when she's in pain, just generally trying to help her be the person she wants to be in any little way that I can. Very few of those things give me a warm and fuzzy feeling. I don't get a warm and fuzzy feeling every time I pay our rent, help one of her friends with a computer problem, straighten up around the house, or help her run errands on a weekend. I assume she doesn't either when she comes home and starts dinner, or spends an evening ironing. Those aren't highlight-reel moments in our relationship, but they involve just as much love as Valentine's Day, a wedding day, anniversaries, etc. In fact, I would argue they involve even more love, because in those moments, we are doing the things we need to do to take care of us. That's the core foundation of love. Not the gifts, cards, poems, candlelight, or other romantic tricks of the trade. The every day work and thought that goes in to meeting needs.

This month, as survivors, let's strive to do three things, in this order. See ourselves as worthy of our having needs met, learning how to take care of ourselves, and striving to love other people, by giving them what they need from us.

Double Edged Sword

One of the interesting facts you'll learn if you ever read about, or take a class in networking, is that you can make a huge impact on another person simply by listening. The reason, of course, is that hardly anyone ever takes the time to listen to another person, so all you have to do is try to listen and give your attention to someone else, and you will stand out in any crowd.

As a chronic sufferer of low self esteem, this was pretty good news. It meant that I could make an impact simply, but it came with a somewhat startling revelation as well. Naturally, the flip side of this lesson was that, most of the time, people take no notice of you at all. What you say, how you look, etc. usually isn't given a second thought by people. That can be somewhat disconcerting, to know that in public situations, most people in the room pay absolutely no attention to you.

On the other hand, that can be somewhat freeing as well. We constantly second guess ourselves, criticizing every last detail of every social interactions, assuming that surely every misstep was duly noted by every other person in attendance. The reality, though, is that most of them don't notice or give a moment's thought to the things we spend the whole evening beating ourselves up over.

So, the next time you have to hit a party or other large social function, relax, make the fact that most people there won't even notice you, work to your advantage. Then, instead of constantly finding your faults, you can freely pay attention to others and increase the likelihood that they will remember you, as a confidant and successful person, because you didn't need to make yourself look good, you paid attention to them!

Tags: Socialinteraction, listening

Continuing a theme about showing appreciation

In each of the last two posts I've written here, I've made mention of both using this time of year as a good excuse to show your appreciation to the important people in your life, and also offering friendship and support to them during troubled times.

I had another, related, thought today. The most important gift you can give to anyone is your time. Think about it, how many people do you know who go out of their way to make time for you? I'm betting it's not many, and I'm also betting than when you do make time for someone, there are no words that can more clearly express that they are important to you. I can proclaim how important someone's friendship is to me all day long, but if I'm unwilling to make time to spend with that person, take time to think about that person, if I am unable to act in a way consistent with my words, then they are just that, words. The people who are most important to you are the people you spend time with, no matter how that time is spent.

This past Thanksgiving Day, I had a somewhat unique opportunity. My wife had passed along some information about a gathering at OSU's campus, where they would be serving a traditional meal to about 1200 international students and faculty, and their families. Since we had already decided our plans for the holiday would be separate, she out of town with her family, and I in town with mine, she wouldn't be able to volunteer with me. Being a somewhat socially awkward person, I wasn't really interested in volunteering by myself, but we also knew that a good friend of ours would also be in town, and had been looking for various ways to get out and volunteer. Angela also knew she felt similar to me, and wouldn't want to do this by herself, so she contacted her and this worked out well for both of us.

By her willingness to spend a couple of hours working this event with me, I was able to do something good, and enjoy myself quite a bit in the process, and vice versa. Because of both of our willingness to do this together, along with the 120 other people who spent part of their Thanksgiving Day giving of their time as well, 1200 people of various cultural and religious backgrounds, sat and had a meal together. None of it took any special talent or skill. Literally, I spent most of the time spooning out corn to people as they came by, not all that difficult, but someone needed to do it! :)

All it took was the willingness to spend the time listening to our friend when she mentioned wanting to volunteer, being aware of opportunities for her to do that, and then spending the time doing it together. I can't imagine a better way to show appreciation than that.

I also can't imagine a better way to show appreciation than the way my wife did, by being the person who facilitated this to begin with. She was willing to look at this event and think past her own plans to find other people who would be available and would want to do it. That's appreciation for me, our friend, and the folks she knows who were coordinating the event! She was able to show us that, simply by sending a few emails and getting people in touch with each other!

Holiday time

It occurs to me as I write this, that many of us are probably dealing with holiday stress right about now, or at least will be some time soon. Between the holiday cards, shopping,  the get-togethers and the family gatherings, the holidays can be a whole lot of work. It can be a pretty exhausting time, especially for us introverts who have to spend more time being social than maybe we're used to.

I was thinking earlier about trying to see the holidays in a different light. I can't really change the social aspects of it, but rather than dreading the shopping and other things, I've decided to see the holidays as more of an opportunity.

As we go through life, there are precious few opportunities to show the people you care about just how much you do care. For me, at least, it just doesn't really feel normal to express appreciation for the people that I truly do appreciate it. Most of the time I'm too busy, even when I'm spending time with friends and family, to show any appreciation for them.

The holidays, though, provide a great opportunity to do that. Let's face it, this is the one time of year you can think about what your friends need, go out, buy it for them or make something for them, give it to them, and no one has to feel weird about that. It's perfectly normal. ;-)

So, I'm going to spend some time thinking about how I can show appreciation to the people who are most important to me, starting, naturally, with my wife. As much as I love my friends, and value their friendship, it still doesn't compare to how much appreciation I have for my wife. Now I just have to find the perfect gift that says that, which is never easy, but is worth the effort!

Go Watch a Sunset

While I was in San Francisco, I had the opportunity to go down to Ocean Beach and watch the sunset. The sunset was so amazing, that the next day, I was emailing pictures back to all of my friends, because I wanted to share that moment of perfect peace with them.

One of them write me back that it was nice to get a reminder that despite everything we may be involved with at the moment, and how important it all seems, that life's bigger than that. It served as a useful reminder to her that there is much more to life than work and all the things we need to do on a daily basis to get through the day. It helps to put things in the proper perspective when you realize that life has more things to enjoy than you can even imagine, especially in the middle of everyday struggles. So, with that I give you, some perspective:

I hope it brings you even a little bit of the peace I felt being there.

Priorities

This weekend is my wife and my's sixth anniversary. As it approaches I've been thinking quite a bit about marriage and priorities. I've been thinking about the fact that I feel somewhat out of touch with my wife right now. Part of that is because we've both been dealing with a lot of things. Her work is right smack in the middle of their busiest time of year, I've been taking on more and more new projects with the new position and trying to get up to speed as much as possible.

For all the good things that I've been experiencing in the last few months, it all pales in comparison to having my wife to share them with. Without that, the rest of these things just aren't the same. With that in mind, I need, this weekend, to make a concentrated effort to work on being a good husband, and nothing else. It's time to reconnect with my wife, to spend some time simply enjoying each other's company, relaxing, doing the things we enjoy, and just generally being attentive to each other, instead of paying attention to all the other things that seem to distract us from that.

There's plenty of time to work at improving myself in all areas of life, and I have no intention of ever stopping trying to improve in any of them, but I need to get back to focusing on improving myself as a husband first and foremost. I've been guilty of letting that work take second fiddle to other things for too long. It shouldn't be second to anything.

Tags: Marriage, Self-improvement

Life's what you make it

I've been reminded of something the past few days. Something that I do tend to lose sight of every now and again, even though I shouldn't. It's the fact that life is all a matter of perspective. If you spend all your time worrying about things that you have no control over, that's what your life will be. If you expend a whole lot of energy and time arguing about whether Mac is better than Windows, or this politician is better than this one, and getting angry at the people who don't agree with you, then that's what your life will be, a series of bitter, angry arguments.

Going on vacation usually brings that perspective back to me, but over the last few days some other events in my personal life have reminded me of that as well. Sort of reinforcing the idea that started to take root while we were gone.

There is so much to enjoy about life. Places to see, people to spend time with, laughter, love, friendship, etc., and an absolutely undefined amount of time to enjoy it in. Seems to me we'd all be better off doing that instead of trying to make everyone else agree with our standards. Besides, if I've discovered anything through my years on this planet, it's that most of the people who want to tell you how to live your life, don't have enough of their own life.

We don't know how many opportunities we'll get to laugh with our loved ones, to tell our friends how we really feel about them, or to share our lives with them. I'd much rather spend more time trying to make those people smile, and less arguing the merits of things that pale in importance.

Followup: NexusDog sent me an email pointing to a response on his blog. This is a snippet, but be sure to read the whole thing.

This entry made me shameful for feeling the way I do, what lasting affects my own abuse has had on me, and what it did to me, back as a child - it was like reading 'you OUGHT/SHOULD be happy, and if you're not, then you've only got yourself to blame', that is exactly what it feels like and it's an appalling feeling to have, and having come from a fellow child abuse survivor only makes it worse.

Now let me make something very clear to Nexus and anyone else who had this reaction to what I've written. I never said anything about this entry being related to surviving child abuse in any way, shape, or form. I've always been an advocate, and I think anyone who has read my blog for a long time has seen this, of doing whatever works for you in terms of healing. If being hyper vigilant is what you need to do to feel safe, then by all means, I encourage you to do just that.

The point of this rant, if you will, was not to say that if you're not happy, it's all your own fault. Nor was it an attempt to tell anyone how to live. This was one random observation about life in general, and specifically about taking the time to appreciate the good things in life. There are myriad reasons why your life may not be filled with happiness, that have nothing at all to do with whether you're worried about something, and which I couldn't possibly offer a solution to. Given that, I thought we could all use a little reminder to set aside the toxicity of political debates, and other differences of opinion, so that we could do something more enjoyable, like spending time with family and friends. I felt like maybe, just maybe, if you spent a little less time listening to the talking heads spouting their opinions about what you should be thinking, and what you should be doing, what you should be outraged about, or what you should be telling all your friends to do, and a little more time laughing, maybe sharing a good meal, taking in a good show, or whatever else in life gives you pleasure and enjoyment, there might be a little more happiness in your life.

Is that a generalization about how we all should be living? Yes, it absolutely is. I never claimed it to be otherwise. I believe it's also good, sound advice. I'm hardly the only one.

Lastly, to anyone who did read it that way, but especially to Nexusdog, I am sorry. It pains me to think that he's been unable to express his reaction to this entry for over a month now because it impacted him that deeply. It humbles me to know that the words I write here, when they are not as clear as they should be, can cause that much pain in a fellow survivor. It reminds me to be very careful in the words I choose, and to do everything I can to make sure I express myself as clearly as possible to avoid  this sort of reaction in the future. It also serves to point out that, as careful as I can be, there will still be times when I write something that can be misconstrued. My hope is that you, as readers, will have the courage to let me know, and give me the opportunity to clarify my writing.

Tags: Perspective

Relationship Laziness

I came across this article on Water Cooler Wisdom about Relationship Laziness that really struck a chord with me. It's easy for me to get caught up in my own little world often, especially when it comes to friendships, inside and outside my workplace. Especially this part:

People don’t want to feel that you’re talking to them, or hanging out with them, out of convenience.  They don’t want to believe that if they stopped taking all the initiative, they’d never see you again.  They want to know that you care enough about the relationship to think about it on your own and ACT, without constantly being prodded. 

I've had friends in the past who simply stopped taking all the initiative and I've allowed those relationships to drift away. At the same time, I've also been on the other end, where when I stopped taking all the initiative a relationship withered away. Sometimes, that's just life. People come and go from our lives all the time, we drift apart with different interests, etc. But other times, you discover that the other person really didn't care enough to act, or think about the relationship on their own. That can be a pretty hurtful thing to experience.

I'm reminded of one particular friend back when I switched jobs a couple of years ago. She was a good friend of both Angela and I, and her actions at the time I left made it obvious that she seemed concerned that we'd simply disappear on her now that she and I weren't working together any longer. I remember thinking to myself, first, that she was just being silly, of course I'd keep in touch, and we absolutely have. On the other hand I thought, you know, I don't want to be the friend that people worry is going to disappear on them. I want the people I care about to know that I care enough to not get lazy on the relationship. I want to keep in touch with people, and spend time with them when possible, not just when I've got nothing else going on.

Still, it never hurts to get a good reminder of that like this article. :)

(Link first seen at Lifehacker)

Tags: Relationships, Friendship, WaterCoolerWisdom

The Day's don't stop

Day's don't stop

I'm completely aware of the time I have, and don't have, to do whatever it is I'm here to do.

The days don't stop - so what are you waiting for?

Excellent point. Much like we've talked about before, no matter what we do, tomorrow will be another day, and then the next day will come after that, until they stop. What can you do to make sure there are improvements and healing, however incremental they may be, in your life over the course of those days? The days don't stop, neither should your work toward health and happiness.

The One Constant

I wrote this in an email the other day and after reading it again in the reply something about it struck me. I didn't mean for it to be a deep philosophical statement, but it sort of is. (I'm blaming the lack of caffeine).

"The one constant in life is change"

I realized in reading it back that not only is change the one constant, it's the thing we can always hold on to. No matter what may be going on in my life today, tomorrow will be different. It'll be different in many ways, most of them subtle, but not all, and always in surprising ways. Tomorrow, I'll go to work, but I won't do the same things I did today, I will run into someone different than I did today, I'll read news that's different from today's news, etc.

Those are just the small changes that will literally take place without any effort on my part. I didn't even mention the changes I try to make in my life. Those tend to take more time, but they do change little by little. When I make it a goal to learn something new, I don't wake up the next day changed, but I learn a little bit more as I go along. I change, and my life changes every so slightly on an ongoing basis and I'm fascinated to see how it develops. Maybe that's my natural curiosity, but it's one of the things that keeps me going through difficult times. The hope that as bad as today may have been, tomorrow will be different in some way.

On the other side of that though, are all the things we try to keep from changing. As I've already said, life is all about changes, you can't stop time and keep things the same. Trying to do so will just lead to frustration and, quite possibly, depression. Embrace the fact that your life will change, and the people around you will change. Enjoy watching them grow in front of your eyes, and give them the freedom to pursue their own paths in life. Change isn't easy, and taking on the challenge to initiate change can be quite daunting, but I do believe change is one of life's most positive traits.

People and relationships

Some thing that has been getting my attention lately is the various dynamics that take place in the course of any relationship. I think society covers these things in the case of romantic relationships in depth. You can't turn on a TV, or look in a book store without seeing some things about romantic relationships, or familial relationships, but I find that close friendships have just as many, if different, complications.

It is unsurprising, yet problematic, that so many of us really don't understand ourselves, and what we can offer in a friendship. On one hand, plenty of survivors don't think they have much to offer to other people, and thus wind up missing out on friendship opportunities. That's sad on a number of levels, none more so than the wonderful addition to life good friends can be. On the other hand, too many of us also allow our hearts to lead us into relationships that we really have no business being in. As survivors, we have an incredible capacity for empathy. That's a wonderful thing, but we also have to be somewhat careful in this regard.

It's almost second nature for us to want to support and help, but sometimes, we can't. Sometimes people need more than we are able to give, and instead of recognizing that, we get heavily involved only to fail later. Other times, the other person is just beyond our help.

It's important to remember in either case, that it's ok to withdraw, or even in some cases, end a friendship because it's too much. Our first responsibility is to ourselves, which includes our own health and well-being. After that, I do think we have a responsibility to help, support and give of ourselves to others, but not everyone. We simply can't give of ourselves to everyone who needs it. You are one person, with limitations on your time, energy, compassion and everything else. No one has the right to require you to give past your limitations, nor should anyone expect you to. Real friends appreciate the support you can offer them they don't demand more. They understand that, at the end of the day, it is not your responsibility to take care of them, it's their own.

That being said, consider yourself very lucky if you have friends willing to give you what they can, and willing to lean on the support you can, and willingly do, give them when they need it.

 

Crash

I haven't decided if this is a sign of just being an introvert, or just a sign that I still have so far to go when it comes to interacting with people. I mean, I know being an introvert means that being social and being around people is work, and even though I enjoy it, it has a tendency to make me very tired after too much. But this past week, I had quite a few social events, meetings at night, a concert, hokey game, and a birthday party for my wife, and after all of that, I simply felt burned out. I couldn't even really muster up the mental energy to be a good husband, and interact with my wife the way I normally do, and that's usually not something that takes any work. I was just completely off my game, and really even though I've gotten a bit better the past couple of days, I'm still very irritable and my mind seems to be elsewhere at times.

I've tried to simply make time for myself and do my own thing to try and "rest" from being social, but it shouldn't take this long. I can't meet my goals for myself in terms of learning to be a better friend, husband, etc. if I have to take a week off every time I spend too much time with other people. I'm introverted, yes, but I need to discover what sort of activities will help replenish my social energy quicker than what I'm doing now. I don't know what those are just yet, but it's time to do some experimenting and figure it out.

 

Improve your self-esteem

When I looked at this article on-line today I thought, wow, there are some really good ideas here for folks struggling with self-esteem issues, which is pretty much every one isn't it? Let alone survivors!

Anyway, here are 22 tips for maintaining high self-esteem. Do you have any other tips?

Seen via a link on Dumb Little Man.

 

Panic Attacks

So I was talking to a friend recently who suffers from panic attacks. I had many questions about how she deals with them, what she does to try and avoid having them, etc.

She said a couple of keys for her were trying to cut down stressors, getting exercise, even if it's just walking with the dog, and being able to logically "talk" to herself when she feels one coming on.

Now one thing I've never had is panic attacks, so I found the conversation, short as it was, quite fascinating. I've certainly struggled with my share of mental health issues, and have my own tools to cope with them, so I was very curious to know what tools other people use to cope with their own issues.

In light of that, and the reason I bring this up, who else struggles with panic attacks? What do you do to cope?

 

What are you thankful for?

Since today is Thanksgiving here in the US, and since I know many of my readers struggle with depression and other issues that make it very difficult to appreciate the good things life has to offer, I wanted to take a few minutes and talk about being thankful.

When we first got married, Angela and I had a book that we would each write down what we were thankful for as this holiday approached. I don't know what happened to the book, but the idea of putting that in writing was a great one!

This year I am thankful for many things. I'm thankful that I've gotten more settled and comfortable in my job than I was this time last year. I'm thankful for the people I work with who can make me laugh, show me their appreciation and who I just enjoy interacting with. (Yes, that's not all of the people I work with, but I'm thankful that there are some!)

I'm thankful in the same way for all the people I had the chance to get to know and interact with because of both of my websites. I've exchanged emails, ideas, and even met a few great people who I have learned a lot from, both personally and professionally.

I'm thankful for the friends I've made, the progress I've made at being a better friend and the patience and understanding of my friends as I learn how to do this. I still feel completely awkward with people too often, and I know I have much to learn about interacting with people but I feel like I'm growing in this area, and I've been able to maintain growth throughout my healing journey this year pretty consistently, which is all I could ask for. It sure beats making unhealthy decisions all the time. :)

I'm thankful that last year's awful health scare that our niece gave us right after her birth is but a distant memory, and we celebrated the first birthday of a happy, healthy little girl last week.

Last, and certainly not least, I am most thankful for my wife. She's an inspiration to me in more ways than I could tell you, but I'll try to roll off a few. She is the kind of thoughtful, warm, friendly person I aspire to be. She constantly sees opportunities to make people happy with a thoughtful gesture, and always knows exactly what the gesture should be. She has an easy way about her interactions with people, she can be charming, hospitable and witty in any group, without being overbearing. I learn more about being a good friend from watching her than I probably do from any other place in my life.  She's also taught me to enjoy life, every day. That no matter what may be going on, there is always something to be happy about, thankful for, or to smile about. She's allowed me to do the things I enjoy, that make me happy or just keep me healthy, with nothing but her full support.

Most of all, she inspires me to be a better person in every realm of life simply because I want to be the best I can be as her husband. Someone so warm, compassionate, understanding, talented, smart, beautiful and alive deserves nothing less than my best efforts.

Fragile Self Esteem

One thing that's been on my mind lately is the concept of self-esteem and how other people can affect it. Granted, the ultimate goal in our journey would be to have a healthy enough level of self-esteem that we can forge ahead even when other people are doing things that cause us to question ourselves, but let's face it, for most of us dealing with childhood abuse issues, that goal is still in the future.

The question for me is, what people are having a negative impact on my self-esteem and how to deal with that. If someone is actually trying to make me self-conscious or to doubt myself, the healthy thing to do is find a way to not have to interact with that person anymore. But sometimes people just manage to find small ways to do the same thing without actually trying to. It's not so obvious to me whether the healthy thing to do is try to not interact with them, or simply learn to not allow those little comments, or acts to have that much of an affect on me.

It's a tough call. Growth comes through dealing with different people and different situations. If the goal is to learn how to not allow other people to shake your belief in yourself, then you need to be exposed to some situations where people make you uncomfortable. On the other hand, too much of that can cause a crushing loss of self-esteem that would be highly unhealthy, and dangerous.

The power of touch

I've been thinking about this recently, and I'm convinced that this is one area of life that I'm just never going to be normal about. I know that a touch is a very powerful, emotional connection. I touch and am touched by my wife all the time, for that very reason. I also know, in theory, that it's truly a powerful connection even outside of a romantic setting. A comforting hug, a pat on the back, an empathetic touch of the arm, etc. is a much more affective way to communicate with someone in any circumstance.

But, for me, the act of touching someone, or being touched by someone is completely messed up. I consider myself normal in two situations. I love sharing a touch with my wife, and I'm not really comfortable with people I don't know very well touching me. I don't think those are unique to me, or in any way tied to being a survivor. But it's the in-between situations that are a mess for me. I cringe at the touch of any male, and while I don't cringe at the touch of any female who I'm friends with, it makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable, as if it was somehow inappropriate for them to touch me, even though I know, logically, that it really isn't. Of course, I take that same level of uncomfort into touching people as well. There have been numerous times when I've really struggled to be a source of support to someone, to find the right words to say, when an empathetic touch could have communicated what I didn't have words to say. I couldn't find it within me to do that, though.  

And here, we're not talking about truly inappropriate touching either, we're talking about the kinds of touching that people have been doing to their friends and loved one's for centuries. I can't seem to bring my logical thoughts on the subject to match the realities of what a touch makes me feel. I'm saddened by that.

I can't help but feel like I'm missing something. Moreover, I can't help but feel like I should get over this and see a simple touch as just that, simple. But a touch is never simple to a sexual abuse survivor, is it?

 

Final thoughts on friendship

I've been tracking the comments and responses to that last post about friendship and wanted to share some of what I've been thinking as I read through the responses.

Andy got the real key to what I was asking, the bit about whether our expectations are realistic.

Acceptance, understanding, love, protection, loyalty - that about covers the basics, but it's never as simple as that, is it.

Being realistic - now that's the crunch.

Yes it is the crunch. Because while all of the things he listed are things we'd like to have from our closest friends and family members, they aren't always able to give them to us. Is it right for us to expect things they aren't able to provide? Can I expect understanding from someone who doesn't comprehend at all what being abused is like? Can I expect someone else to protect me or should I learn how to be an adult and protect myself? Abuse survivors tend, on the whole, to have a bit of a warped concept of what to expct from others. It's an understandable misconception, but we have it nonetheless. Some of us simply expect the worst from everyone. Some of us are still waiting for our "rescuer" to make everything better. Neither of those are realistic.

Emily brought an interesting fact to the discussion that I want to focus on:

When I was younger I would say I liked the shock factor it gave. I thought, wrongly, it would make boyfriends stay with me. Then I would get more hurt when we broke up.

This, I'm afraid, is all too typical. This is an absolutely classic case of telling with the wrong motivation. We've all done it too, so don't feel bad Emily. I too went through a spell where I thought that surely if people knew just how vulnerable I was they would be loyal to me and take care of me, so I would make sure to let them know all about my childhood. Sadly, the opposite result was more often the case. I came across so needy that people turned away from me.

I realized that allowing that to be my motivation wasn't at all fair. I was asking someone to take care of me, instead of learning how to take care of myself. Only after I started to take care of myself, and make healthy decisions for myself did I reach a point like the one she reached later:

Things are different now. I am happy in myself and with who I am, so telling seems less important.

Telling others about my childhood abuse IS less important than it used to be, simply because the things I sought after by sharing with people, are not things I need any longer. That doesn't mean I don't tell people. But it's more just a part of who I am rather than the defining event that I use to describe myself to eveyone I know.

For example, I still made sure to tell my wife when we started getting serious, not only that I was abused, but what specific areas I still struggled with or things that might cause me to feel unsafe and how she could avoid doing those things. That was an important part of our relationship. I didn't expect her to even understand why certain things make me uncomfortable, just to respect me enough to not want to make me uncomfortable. In that case, it would have been more unfair to not tell her than to tell her, so it was necessary.

Most other relationships however, I don't feel any need to tell people I was abused. Some have happened to find this site and know, some have talked to me about their own experiences, some know and have never discussed it with me. That's ok. I don't need them to.

Some I've told as part of a conversation about child abuse, or depression, when it was related to the conversation at hand. In discussing a common aquantaince's struggle with depression, for example. Again, a situation in which there was no expectation, no expected sympathy or emotional response, just a fact about my life that is being shared. Not much different than "Yes, I am married" or "No, I don't have any children", but one that tends to come up far less often. :)

For me, the bottom line is this. If you feel like you have to tell someone, be very careful with your motivations. If your motivation for telling is to get something back from them, you're going to be sorely disappointed more often than not. It may be a sign that there is something missing in your own life, and in your view of yourself. Emotional maturity, for me, is having the ability to be ok with whatever response you get in any situation from other people in your life. Not that you don't care about their response, or that it can't be hurtful to you, but that you can go on with your life no matter what it is. No one else should have the power to stop you in your tracks by not responding the way you think they should. If you're telling someone about your abuse, and their response has that affect on you, you allowed them to have too much power over you. Feel free to be disappointed, and pained, by their response, but also be ready to move on with your healing and your life regardless. For example, earlier I talked about telling my wife about specific issues surrounding my abuse. I went in, obviously, hoping for a good response from her, one that respected me and was willing to help make me feel comfortable. Not getting that response would have hurt. It would have changed the whole tone of our relationship and probably resulted in it ending at some point. That would have been very painful, but I had to be prepared for that possibility and prepared to move on with my life when it came time to. If anything, that would have told me that she wasn't the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and I would have had to be willing to accept that. In truth, I was ready to if I had to, but I'm very glad I didn't have to.

Maybe the simplest way to look at it was Jennifer's response:

When I tell people, all I expect is for them to respectfully listen.

Maybe that's all we really should expect, common courtesy. When you speak to someone, they should listen to you, regardless of what you have to say, and if they can't listen to you, maybe you don't need to be talking to them. If they give you more than that, lucky for you. You've got someone in your life who can provide you some sympathy and love. That won't always be the case, though. Some people won't be able to give that to you in response to this, but either way you can love yourself and see the value in yourself. That way you won't need it as much from other people who might not be able to give it to you.

Continuing a conversation

As the conversation continues in this entry about survivor's struggle with friendship, I'm starting to notice a difficult trend when it comes to healing, and that is deciding what your motivation is. It's a difficult question to answer, and something worth monitoring not just with your path to healing from abuse, but really in any area of self-improvement through out your life.

For example, one of my goals over recent months has been to learn from my wife when it comes to interacting with people. My wife, for as long as I have known her, has always impressed me with her ability to be thoughtful and generous when it comes to the people around her. Whether it's going out of her way to show appreciation, or remembering a conversation she had with someone about a topic and being able to share information with that person weeks, or even month, later relevant to the conversation, or the well-timed small gift, there are countless ways in which she inspires me to be more thoughtful and giving to the people I consider my friends. That's a worthwhile goal, but it's also very important that I be very careful that my desire to be this kind of person is motivated by a desire to improve myself as opposed to a desire to have people like me better.

For certain, if I were to succeed in being more thoughtful, there's a good chance that people will like me better, but that is never a certainty, and it's a poor motivator for one simple reason. That reason being, the fact that while I can work as hard as I can on improving myself, how other people react to me is completely beyond my control. It is impossible to make a goal out of something you can't control. If my goal is to improve myself in an area that I feel deficient at, then my success at reaching that goal is a simple measurement. Have I succeeded in doing more thoughtful acts than I would have normally done before? If the answer is yes, then I have had success. On the other hand, if my goal is to make more people like me, defining success gets a little more difficult, doesn't it? Even if I become a more thoughtful friend, there's always the possibility that some of my current friends won't like the change, or that some people will be suspicious of someone doing nice things for them, and I may very well end up with fewer friends in the short term, through no fault of my own!

Again, when it comes to relationships of any kind, you can only be responsible for your part of the relationship. How other people react to you is beyond your control. When you share the details of your abuse, and a good friend simply goes silent on the whole issue, it may very well be because they simply don't have the background or the exposure to comprehend how to talk about it, and that's not your fault. How they react is their responsibility, not yours.

Tags: Selfimprovement Friendship

Just trying to help

As I've worked at trying to be a better friend, more thoughtful, more alert to situations where I can offer support and/or help, I find that one of the most frustrating things is trying to help someone who won't help themselves. We've all been in these types of situations, and often friendships can literally end over them. You have a friend who claims to need help, but when you offer them a way to really do what they say they want to do, they find reason after reason to not do it. I've had experiences like that in "real life" and through this site, where I've been in contact with someone who is asking for support, seeking a shoulder to cry on or a sympathetic ear, and in those rare occasions where I'm actually able to do something for them or offer some concrete advice on how to make things better, it's ignored. Turns out all they really wanted was someone to listen, not help.

Now, I certainly understand the fear that comes along with trying to make a change in your life, and I'm not posting this to vent at all the people who won't take my advice. Actually, what I'm looking for is advice myself. I know. theoretically, that the proper response in these situations is to offer the help or the idea and simply give them the space to make their own decisions, without putting the relationship in jeopardy by demanding they take my advice. That's all well and good, but it's also really, really hard to stay the course with that. How do you care about someone enough to want to help, yet remain distant enough that your frustration with them doesn't become the center of your friendship? Or, is there a point where you simply can't be a support to them anymore?

Discuss.... :)

Finding the Words

I've been thinking about this post for a week. Last Sunday, as part of our daytrip to New York, we made what can only be described as a pilgrimage to the World Trade Center site. The site, as shown above, is not just your normal construction site.

Awhile back, when someone was talking about the 9/11 movies coming out, they mentioned that it might be good to remind people who've forgotten about what happened. I've never had that problem. I grew up being able to see the towers from my backyard. I have plenty of kids I grew up with working for the NYPD or NYFD, or were affected in different ways by that day. I spent that day wondering about my own aunt, who worked in one of the other trade center buildings. (It turned out she was still on her way there from a doctor's appointment but was unable to let anyone know she was ok until that evening.) I really have no need to be reminded of what happened.

Given that, it was no surprise that being at ground zero was an emotional experience for both of us. At the same time, I'm absolutely glad I went. I learned so much about what is still there. I learned the story of Saint Paul's Chapel, I saw that the city is still scarred by what happened, and yet resilient enough to go forward. I saw a city that needs no reminders of 9/11, and one that will create it's own reminders when it's time for them. Most of all, I found my own strength as well. I had my time to be sorrowful, and then the gentle reminder that life has gone on, and no matter what, will continue to go on.

So go, if you have the chance and haven't been. Go, pay your respects to those who lost their lives there, and then continue on and visit the rest of the city, and live the rest of your life to the fullest. The highest honor you can give to them is to let that day be an inspiration for you in your own life. Let them inspire you to overcome your past and live your life to it's fullest potential.

Socially awkward?

Saw this link on Lifehack, about how to have a conversation at conferences and other events without feeling awkward. I think the key suggestion made in it is a key suggestion I've tried very hard to take to heart to overcome my own awkwardness and shyness. The best way to feel less awkward is to focus on the other person, what they say, how to help them feel more comfortable, etc.

Whenever you find yourself in a situation that requires you to interact with others, or when you have to have an awkward conversation with someone, focus on them. Spend your energy listening to what they say and reading their body language to make sure you are helping them feel less awkward about the conversation, and you won't have time to focus on your own feelings of inadequacy. You'd be surprised to find how much other people remember you, and like you, when you go out of your way to focus on them.

In personal news, we had a good weekend, despite all the rain. Angela talked me into taking my mother out for an early Mother's Day lunch yesterday, and I'm glad she did. It was nice for the three of us to have lunch without all the choas that normally comes with all my brothers and my neice and nephew being around. Sometimes my wife has some pretty good ideas, I should listen to her more often. Hope you all had a nice Mother's Day weekend as well.

Dealing with death

It seems as though there are a number of people I am friends with, our people who's websites I visit on a regular basis who are dealing with serious illness and coping with the possibility, if not probability, that someone they love will be passing away soon. At times like this I don't believe there are words that will heal, or support, those folks the way I'd like to support them. I'm powerless to do more than offer my thoughts, my friendship, my love.

Maybe that's enough. Maybe simply "showing up" and standing with them as they face this all they truly need. Maybe just knowing that I'm here for whatever they need is enough. Maybe. It doesn't ever feel like enough, though.

Whatever it is, these situations do serve to remind us that we are all going to die someday. There's nothing we can do to change that. I just hope when it's my time, that those who love me will have the memories of my love and friendship to help them see past the mourning, and be able to celebrate the life we shared while I was with them.

I'm going to do everything I can to create those memories as often as possible, and make sure that the people I care about, know how much I care about them. I hope you will too.

Quote of the Day

I saw this quote this morning, and it struck me as a very simple explanation for something we spend so much time and energy on.

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.
W. H. Auden
US (English-born) critic & poet (1907 - 1973)

We spend so much time trying to look the right way or learn the right thing to say, when the way to truly find love in our relationships is to be a joyous person. People full of joy, laughter and fun attract others to themselves. The way to have good, loving relationships is by improving your self image and sense of humor. Your outward appearance, while not completely unimportant, is not going to do it alone.

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Being inspired

Yesterday at work I had an interesting experience. I was caught in the middle of what was quickly becoming a bit of a mess. I had reached a point of frustration with a problem and it was looking like I was going to have to make a trip to another building to get things straightened out. I didn't think this trip was completely necessary, what needed to be done could be done by the folks over there I was dealing with, but things were just not going smoothly, there was a communications breakdown occurring. Right about then I got a call from another coworker, who happened to be over in that building, overheard enough to know that something wasn't going well and asked me what she could do to help. She bridged the communications gap and helped me get things figured out. Truly, she was a lifesaver at that point.

Now, as part of my ongoing efforts to be a better all around person, after work last night I logged in to the company email and jotted off a note to her, expressing in more detail my appreciation of her offer to help. Taking the time to recognize and show my appreciation for people who help me hasn't always been a strong suit, so I was proud of the fact that I was able to do that.

On the other hand, I also recognized, through her actions, how much room for improvement I still have. Had I overheard what was going on, I can't honestly say I would have done the same thing. I might very well have thought to myself "glad I'm not involved in that mess" and went about my business. This situation wasn't part of her job, wasn't an area of her responsibility and it would have been very easy to walk away from it, but she stepped into it and offered to help any way that she could. There's something to be said for that.

There's also something to be said for being able to recognize behavior in other people that we'd like to learn from and model. We're all different, and we all have our own distinct positive and negative traits, but I don't think it'd hurt to make more efforts to "be better" by modeling behavior that we respect in others. I'm making a note to remember this incident and try to make myself available to help in whatever way I can, when I can.

Reading the blogs of others

Have you ever been reading the site of someone you know in real life, and wondered if there weren't some things they probably didn't mean for you to read? I know there are some people who read my sites, who know me and see me in person, and I've often wondered whether there are times like that for them. Certainly, I'm not really ashamed of anything I write on-line, I would do it anonymously if I was really worried about it. At the same time though, I know I've probably written things that I might not really want that particular person to know. It's sort of a confusing mess sometimes isn't it?

For example, I usually write about a people I know or work with in very generic terms, but give enough information that someone who knows me well would be able to figure out who I was talking about. Most of the time that's fine with me, there's probably nothing I would write that I haven't already said to that person, but I still get a vague uneasy feeling when I think about people who I deal with on a regular basis reading any of my sites. Let's face it though, it's this site that gives me the most uneasy feeling, because you just never know how someone's going to handle the subject matter.

But that's ok. I accept that this subject matter isn't easy for everyone to read about and I've found that most people I know in real life don't really come here that often even when they know about the site. I'm beginning to wonder if it's because there are simply things you don't want to know about the people around you, or if they feel like by reading here they're intruding on a part of my life that I don't sit and talk to them about. It's certainly one thing to read about the very personal thoughts of strangers on-line, it's quite another when those same people are in the office down the hall, or someone you see at social events. There's a certain line that's crossed, and not everyone is ok crossing that line, and I wonder if that's not actually kind of a good thing.

I think there's a very good reason why, as a survivor, there have been very few people outside of a group therapy situation that I've sat and really talked about being abused, and surviving abuse with. Most of those people have been very, very close to me. Family, my wife, my very closest friends, etc. It's not a topic of conversation around the water cooler or lunch room at work, and, frankly I don't think it would be a welcome topic of conversation in that environment because you have to cross a line of intimacy that you only cross with the most intimate of relationships. Sometimes your most intimate friends also happen to be people you work with, but in general, it's still something you don't talk about around the office.

Over the years, I've dealt with many people who know about this site, and yet have never taken the time to read much of it and who've never mentioned to me if they've read it at all. I've often wondered why that was. It seemed to me that this was the sort of site that would spark many questions among people who knew me and found it, but it never does. At first, I thought that was because they were uncomfortable talking about child abuse in general, but I'm starting to think that's not it. I don't think talking about child abuse makes them uncomfortable, I think it's talking to me about the specific abuse that's uncomfortable, because they don't feel it's proper for them to assume that intimate of a place in my life. Maybe that's ok. Maybe that's really the way it should be, Lord knows I spend plenty of time trying not to pry into people's personal lives myself. Maybe reading this site feels like prying, and maybe in a way, it is prying.

Then again, maybe sometimes people really need someone to pry in order to open up and feel less alone in the world. How do you ever know?

Another year

It's 2006 now, another year has past. At times like these it's always tempting to look ahead and try to predict what the new year will bring, both on a personal level and around the world, and as we take a minute to look back at 2005, we might realize just how futile it is to predict what this year will bring us. I'm betting that as you look back at 2005, you'll see the same things I do, there were some goals I had set for myself that were met, but not really in the ways I thought they would be, and there were whole lots of experiences and memories that were much more a result of happy accidents than anything I set out to do.

For example, I set out to get a new job, and accomplished that. But it was slightly different than what I was looking for at the beginning of 2005, it wasn't the result of all the networking ideas I decided to work on this year, but that turned out to be a very good thing. I found a job that I really am enjoying that is challenging me every day, and all that networking stuff I've applied to learning how to be a better, more thoughtful, friend to the people who've been in my life or have come into my life this past year.

It just goes to show that life is nothing if not unpredictable, but it's that unpredictable nature of life that makes every day so interesting. You really do never know what's going to happen each day, and as bad as today might be, tomorrow always holds the promise to be better.

So here's to 2006 being a better year!

How to stop worrying

Saw this quote as part of an entry on Lifehack today about ways to worry less.

The trick is that whenever you feel plagued by a worrying thought, note it down on a “worry sheet” (a piece of paper set aside for the purpose) – you can then forget about it, knowing that you plan to worry later.

Now this sounds a bit bizarre and I can't really vouch for how well it works, but I can tell you that using technology like OneNote or a Wiki to keep track of the "things I need to do today" whether it be at work or on my own laptop has eliminated a whole lot of stress in my own life. Instead of spending a bunch of mental energy making sure I remember to do a b and c when I get to work tomorrow, I know that I wrote it down, and I know that I'm going to look at my electronic to-do list as soon as I get there, so I'm not at all concerned about it now. It does make some sense that something similar would work for worrying thoughts, you'd just mark it on your list of things to worry about later. Eventually, you'd learn to not worry about it at all, because things will change and get taken care of in between the time you write something down and the time you get around to worrying about it.

Or maybe not. Follow the links, read the article and tell us what you think. How have you learned to worry less?

Revisiting a favorite topic

Time to revisit one of my favorite topics, listening. Recently I had a discussion with someone who pointed out just how rare it is to have someone just listen to them. She contrasted people who really just listen with those who fall into two other categories, although I tend to think they are subsets of the same category, neither one of which is "good listener". One, the people who are simply waiting for their chance to talk, and secondly the people who go beyond that and make any situation a chance to tell you about themselves.

You all know the type, and maybe even some of you are that type. When you share your pain or your joy, they always have to, in turn, tell about a painful event of their own, maybe even going so far as to hint that their's was somehow more painful.

How many times have you talked about a painful experience, or just had a conversation, and had the other person simply shut up and let you talk? I'd be willing to bet it's not been often, and if it has been often, consider yourself very, very lucky.

If you truly want to help people, make them feel important, and loved, or just want to learn how to make a more positive impression on people, instead of focusing on saying the right thing, or the witty thing, learn when to simply shut up and listen.

Just showing up

There's a saying, that I know from somewhere, but I don't remember where, that goes something along the lines of "Half of life is just showing up". Last night was a pretty good example of why this is true, and why it's important.

The woman who acts as the library liaison with our Friends of the Library board is retiring later this month, and the Friends were throwing her a retirement party. After the Board meeting Weds. night, I went over to the place we were having the party and helped out with setting up tables and chairs, moving things around, etc. Basically, it was about an hour of physical labor that 5 of us managed to get done, nothing major.

Well, last night when Angela and I went to the party, the two women who had done the work to organize the whole party made extra sure to thank me for helping and telling Angela what a nice guy I was to help, etc. Afterwards, on the way home Angela made a comment about how those women must really like me and my response was "Half of life is just showing up. I didn't do THAT much or go very much out of my way to help, but I showed up and helped, which is more than a lot of people do."

Sometimes being a good friend is just all about showing up. When you listen to someone talk about their problems you might be tempted to feel like you weren't a very good friend unless you can directly help them solve the problem. It's not going to be often that you will feel like you were able to do very much at all to help them, but just by showing up, taking the time to listen, you've done more than many other people would. If you want to learn how to be a good friend, spouse, parent, etc., remember a big part of it is just showing up.