Child Abuse Survivor

Great Holiday Weekend

Yes, here in the US, it was Independence Weekend, which also happens to coincide with my birthday. (Yes, having your birthday be a National Holiday and never have to work, is pretty freakin' awesome!)

Anyway, this year was a pretty big milestone, as I turned 40. No, I'm not all that upset about it. Frankly, unlike many people who struggle with life not being what they imagined when they hit 40, I'm surprised I lived this long. :)

Anyway, however you might feel about getting older, I can offer this bit of advice. when you hit those milestone birthday's it always helps to be surrounded by the people who mean the most to you, to share it with you. I had a great weekend, spending lots of time with my wife, first and foremost. We also got to see my in-laws, and spent Saturday night celebrating, drinking and eating with some of our best friends. Regardless of my current age, I had a great time turning 40, and couldn't ask for better people to spend it with. I'm also making sure they all get notes about how much that meant to me. You definitely want to let the important people in your life know how important they are.

Check Ups

This past weekend I had to take my car to the shop. It had suddenly started making a funny noise, and so I took it in to have it looked at, and to just get it tuned up and make sure everything was working properly. The noise turned out to be some loose metal in the exhaust system, nothing major, nor expensive, and everything seems to be running pretty well aside from that.

The experience did, however, remind me that it's important to have things checked out occasionally, just to make sure there aren't any small problems, waiting to become big problems. Typically we hear that about ourselves in connection with getting a physical, or having some routine tests done to check for problems in our bodies, but we should also take time to do some self-checks of our mental state as well.

For me, that usually involves finding some quiet time, and reflecting. Not just on how I feel about life in general, but since I am known to have the ability to dissociate at the drop of a hat, to reflect on how I'm acting toward other people, and how they are responding to me.

Unfortunately, while being able to dissociate is a great way to focus exclusively on a specific task until it is done (ask my wife about how zoned in I can become trying to fix a technical problem..), it is a horrible way to go about keeping a check on your own emotional well-being. That's why it's important for me to have that time to stop, focus on just myself, my actions, and my emotions, and check up on how things are running. Sometimes a small problem, like noticing that my interactions with others are becoming a little more strained than normal, can be the thing that points me in the direction of a deeper emotional issue that I may not even be aware of yet before it becomes a big problem. 

That being said, it's high time for me to have some of that down time, and I intend to. After work on Friday, and before I get into what will be a very busy, but fun, Saturday, I'll take advantage of being home alone for the night, and spend some time reflecting on the last few weeks and looking forward to the next few weeks, just as a way to check up on myself.

Slacker Blogger

Maybe that's what I should rename this blog? Obviously, I have been slack in posting anything more than book reviews sent to me by other people in the last couple of weeks.

I realized today when I was reading Marj's blog, that even if the midst of everything she's been dealing with, she's managed to post a couple of updates, so that people don't worry too much about her, and can keep track of how she's doing. It occurs to me, that by being silent, I might just be worrying some of you so here's a quick update.

Everything's fine!

No, seriously everything is fine. For the better part of last week I had a number of half-complete thoughts I wanted to blog about, but never really seemed to get any of them to turn into complete thoughts, so I didn't. For the last week or so, things have been so crazy, insanely, hectic at work that by the time I get home, I've got time to post some thoughts, but lack the motivation or mental energy to do much more than read other blogs and Twitter, watch TV or do some Wii Fit.

It's actually taken all my will to sit here and write this much without going off to look at something bright and shiny that doesn't require me to think.

So, never fear. It's not that I'm overwhelmed with life's difficulties that keeps me from blogging, it's simply a limit to the amount of mental focus I have during a given day, that is being used up at work more than usual! Eventually, things will get a bit less hectic.

At least that's what I've been telling myself. ;)

A week's worth of photos took me a week to post

Yes, it's true, I finally have worked my way through all the photos from last week's vacation and have them posted to Flickr. You can see the week on the Archives over there. Not only are there a bunch from DC but also from Old Town Alexandria, HarpersFerry, WV, and the Antietam and Gettysburg battlefields.

Next up are the handful of photos I took at Race for the Cure with my cell phone today. We'll see if any of them are worthy candidates. We had a good time doing the 5K and I want to say thanks to all my family and friends who helped me raise $225 towards what appears to have been a $2 million dollar day for the Komen foundation.

Plenty of Practice for Race for the Cure

Back from our vacation. We had a good time in Washington, DC, Harpers Ferry, Antietam and Gettysburg. I'm still working on getting all the photos processed an online, but there are a few over on Flickr for now.

We definitely did quite a bit of walking. I should be in good shape for Saturday's Race for the Cure 5k walk. Remember, if you want to make a donation to support the cause, and my efforts, you can do that easily online. All donations are greatly appreciated!

Just 6 more days!

One Thing at a Time

Obviously, things have been a little busy in the life of Mike lately. Actually, it's not so much that things have been busy that's kept me away from this blog, it's the overwhelming number of considerations that have kept my mind occupied on things other than writing about being a survivor.

So, I haven't had much to say about things, but lately I've been thinking that I need to stop letting my thoughts be preoccupied with things that may or may not occur. I can only do one thing at a time. I should only be focused on the one thing I'm doing. The rest will still be there, whether I spend time thinking about it or not, I should save my mental energy to work on what's in front of me.

So, for tomorrow it's work, then a wedding rehearsal dinner. Saturday will be finishing up packing for vacation before heading to my brother's wedding. Sunday we'll be hitting the road for vacation. There's many other things that'll be going on during that time, but we'll worry about that when we get back. There are events to be enjoyed, and memories to be made. No sense ruining those worrying about something I can't do anything about right now.

Race for the Cure -May 17th 2008

With the weather turning toward Spring this week, and the rain holding off until tomorrow, I decided it was high time to get in a little walking to prepare for my commitment to walk the 5k Race for the Cure next month.

Thanks to Gmaps Pedometer I can go back and figure out how far I walked today (2.2 miles) compared to how far the 5k is (slightly over 3.1 miles) and I have a pretty good idea that I should be able to do the walk without too much struggle. (We'll be in DC the first week of May for a few days, after that 3.1 miles should be a breeze!)

Anyway, thanks to Douglas Welch for talking about the idea of a Google Maps mashup that would calculate how far you walked. He talked about it on one of his Live from the Library podcasts, but I honestly don't remember if he talked about Gmaps Pedometer or another service. He inspired me to go to Google for my answer though, and that's what I found. :)

Now, for the important part of this entry. Yes, I'll be walking to raise money for the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. The firm I work for usually puts together a team of employees and family/friends. This year, since a friend of ours had expressed a desire to do the walk, and didn't really have anyone to do it with, when I saw that the firm was paying the entrance fee for any employee plus one family member or friend, I volunteered to go ahead and do the walk with her, so she could part of our team and well it certainly won't hurt my karma any to do a good deed too.

If you wish to help the cause, (And really, why wouldn't you?) or you just know that you're going to delight in the idea that I'm getting up early to walk 5k on a Saturday morning and want to make sure to contribute to causing that to happen, you can donate online here:

https://www.active.com/donate/columbusrftc08/mmcbride68

I'm counting on the readers of both of my blogs to help push me near the top of the donation totals for the firm. After all, it's not like I can hit up my coworkers. :)

We've just started getting the word out, so I'll probably post a reminder again once the day of the race is closer, but you don't have to wait!

Yes, I'll be carrying my camera with me for the walk, weather permitting. So you'll get to share the event with us!

Thanks for your time and consideration!

No April Fool's Joke

On April 1, 2000 Angela and I went out on our first date. (Insert your own "fool" joke here) Eight years later, well, here we are. Happily married and enjoying our lives together.

I point that out not so much as a way to point out how very lucky I've been since then (I have), but because eight years ago, I had absolutely no idea this would happen.

You see, sometimes life is like that. One date with the thought of "let's see what happens", turns into 6 years and counting of marriage. You just never know where things will take you in life. That's all the more reason to experience it as much as you are able. The experiences might not end up the same way our date from 8 years ago did, but you'll be better for whatever experiences come your way!

Technology to help with Social Skills

As I mentioned earlier, I was out of town for a good part of last week at a conference. Normally, my time at a conference is taken up with attending educational sessions, and then being a wallflower at the networking parts of the conference, if not skipping them altogether to see the city or watch TV in my room. Not this time.

One, I had made up my mind that I wasn't going to do that, I was going to, at least try to hang around and talk to people as much as I could manage. Secondly, the fact that I was blogging and using Twitter to talk about the conference meant that there was a small, but significant, number of people who were reading what I was writing as the show was going on, and actually wanted to find me and chat with me.

To me, the shy introvert that I am (though it has been an area of some improvement over the last few years, I no longer sweat and feel nervous when someone I don't know talks to me.), this is really the promise of the Internet, and social networking tools. Suddenly, rather than me having to try and talk about myself, I can spend time writing and connecting with people with things like this blog, and when I do get the opportunity to meet someone in real life, we already have this in common. Many of the first few folks I chatted with at Techshow had been reading my stuff about the show, and those conversations gave me the confidence to chat with other folks at various sessions and lunches, even when they weren't reading the blogs or following the conference Twitter back channel. At the end of the three days, I had made some good connections who I have much to learn from, and talked to many other people, sharing ideas, war stories, etc.

Overall, that made what was already a good educational conference that much more of a good experience, and one of the best times I've had working. :)

It's also what keeps me going, writing for a few different sites, keeping a profile in a number of places, and sharing my experiences here, the connections it makes possible, even if we never get to meet in person!

Snow Bound for the Weekend

It finally stopped snowing this evening, after about 20 inches fell. I have a feeling Sunday will be a day of digging out...

My car sat behind our house all night and day while the snow fell, and fell. Tomorrow I get to figure out how to get it out from there, and through the snow drift that currently doubles as the alley to the front of our house. :)

Coming up for air

Hi there, remember me? :)

OK so it hasn't been that long since I posted anything over here, but I can't help but feel a little like I've been neglecting things over here. It's true, I've been working head-down in technology for a while now, and really haven't had time to put together too many coherent thoughts about anything other than work, or personal tech projects.

As always, those of you who follow both my blogs, saw the number of recent posts and topics over on the other side of me increase, just as the number decreased on here. That's to be expected. Sometimes, you just can't be everywhere all the time. :)

It's also been somewhat interesting to me, that as I incorporate some of the various social networking sites into my online "brand", that a number of survivors have been reaching out, either by sending me notes, "friending me" or even following me on Twitter. The reason I say this is interesting, is that I get to sort of see the two worlds, that exist on the two different sites I author, meet in one place.

I don't mind, obviously, being known as a survivor. I wouldn't have started this site if I did. On the other hand, I like being more than that. We're all more than that. Being a survivor will always be part of us, but it's not all we are. We are people, with all the varied interests, talents and faults. I feel like that combination of who I am should be expressed, without having to be dominated by one thing. Hopefully, I can keep it that way!

Email about my wife

This was just a part of an email someone sent me the other day, and I wanted to share it with you.

I also want to say that your wife Angela must be an amazing woman.
You speak of her often, and the love you have for her shines through your words.   You know how when you read written words, you actually hear yourself saying them silently.   I was to a point where I came to your wife's name....  Angela, and to myself I said 'Angel'.   Then I corrected myself, and read Angela..... and just then, I thought...... to Mike, she is
~His Angel~.

It made me happy to see that without having to get too sappy in my writing  someone can see how much my wife means to me. I've never been a big proponent of having the right wife, husband, boyfriend, etc. be an important part of healing yourself as a survivor, because I did a lot of healing before she came along, and I believe each of us has the ability to do that work in ourselves. I don't need Angela to be healthy.

On the other hand, it is important to have people in your life who you respect, and who inspire you to improve yourself. My wife does that in a couple of different ways. One, I adore her and aspire to be the husband she deserves to have. I can't do that without constantly striving to improve myself. Secondly, she inspires me in her day to day life. When I watch the way she makes friends easily, interacts comfortably with people, is hospitable towards them, and generally attracts people to herself though her generosity and thoughtfulness I realize that I want to be more like that. I learn how to be a kinder, more thoughtful and better friend by watching my wife every day.

So, while I may not have needed my wife to be there supporting me to learn how to heal, it sure helps to have people in your live who do support you, inspire you, and who teach you through their examples how to improve yourself every day.

I hope, in 2008, you can find your own forms of inspiration, no matter where they come from!

Merry Christmas to our On-line friends!

Somewhat Painful Reminder

As the holiday season approached, one of my fellow Friends in Tech members, Douglas Welch had a great idea for a series of podcasts. Called the Wishbook the idea was to go take a look at on-line versions of old Wish Book catalogs from our child hood, and record some audio talking about a particular toy or memory that is sparked by the catalog.

When I first heard about the idea, I thought it was great. I still do, but in the course of looking through the catalogs from my youth, I also quickly realized that I couldn't possibly take part.

Not that I didn't see some toys that I remembered having as a kid, but that was pretty much it. Yes, I had that toy, and I remember playing with it, but that's the sum total of my connection to my child hood. There are facts that I remember, with no emotions tied to them. Not exactly the warm, fuzzy holiday spirit, eh? :)

When I think about being a survivor, and what that means, I often think in terms of how it affects me now, and all the work I had to put in to learn how to make healthy decisions and take care of myself. When people ask me about the costs of being a survivor, or what the abuse took from me, those are the costs I immediately think of. I forget the things I missed out on as a child, the lack of any connection to my childhood. I almost tend to think that it's normal, and it's things like this project and hearing other people talk about childhood memories that remind me that it isn't normal to look at a photo of yourself as a child and fell no connection to that person. To not feel some sort of connection to who I was or what I was feeling at the time.

I don't spend a lot of time dwelling on it, because I have learned not to spend much time dwelling on things that I can't change. There's no way to change this, it is simply the cost of being a survivor for me. I accept that, but that doesn't make it easy.

Continuing a theme about showing appreciation

In each of the last two posts I've written here, I've made mention of both using this time of year as a good excuse to show your appreciation to the important people in your life, and also offering friendship and support to them during troubled times.

I had another, related, thought today. The most important gift you can give to anyone is your time. Think about it, how many people do you know who go out of their way to make time for you? I'm betting it's not many, and I'm also betting than when you do make time for someone, there are no words that can more clearly express that they are important to you. I can proclaim how important someone's friendship is to me all day long, but if I'm unwilling to make time to spend with that person, take time to think about that person, if I am unable to act in a way consistent with my words, then they are just that, words. The people who are most important to you are the people you spend time with, no matter how that time is spent.

This past Thanksgiving Day, I had a somewhat unique opportunity. My wife had passed along some information about a gathering at OSU's campus, where they would be serving a traditional meal to about 1200 international students and faculty, and their families. Since we had already decided our plans for the holiday would be separate, she out of town with her family, and I in town with mine, she wouldn't be able to volunteer with me. Being a somewhat socially awkward person, I wasn't really interested in volunteering by myself, but we also knew that a good friend of ours would also be in town, and had been looking for various ways to get out and volunteer. Angela also knew she felt similar to me, and wouldn't want to do this by herself, so she contacted her and this worked out well for both of us.

By her willingness to spend a couple of hours working this event with me, I was able to do something good, and enjoy myself quite a bit in the process, and vice versa. Because of both of our willingness to do this together, along with the 120 other people who spent part of their Thanksgiving Day giving of their time as well, 1200 people of various cultural and religious backgrounds, sat and had a meal together. None of it took any special talent or skill. Literally, I spent most of the time spooning out corn to people as they came by, not all that difficult, but someone needed to do it! :)

All it took was the willingness to spend the time listening to our friend when she mentioned wanting to volunteer, being aware of opportunities for her to do that, and then spending the time doing it together. I can't imagine a better way to show appreciation than that.

I also can't imagine a better way to show appreciation than the way my wife did, by being the person who facilitated this to begin with. She was willing to look at this event and think past her own plans to find other people who would be available and would want to do it. That's appreciation for me, our friend, and the folks she knows who were coordinating the event! She was able to show us that, simply by sending a few emails and getting people in touch with each other!

New York Photos

For any of you who might be interested, I did manage to get some photos from the trip to New York last week posted to Flickr.

Now that I'm done with all the traveling, at least for now, I should have more time to actually say something of interest around here. Soon....

Enjoy!

Home, and then off again!

I'm off in the morning, yet again! This time I'm flying to NYC for a few days, a couple of days enjoying the city, visiting with some family and old friends, and then a couple of days at a conference for work.

For those of you scoring at home, yes we just got back from the latest trip Sunday, a short weekender with the wife's family, which came 3 days after we got back from vacation, which was about a week and a half after I got back from SF, again for work. Throw in a 12 hour work day this week, doing onsite support for an event, as opposed to being in the office, and it's been a wild ride!

It's been fun, and exciting, but I do believe that after this trip, I will be very, very happy to have some routine in my life again! I don't really anticipate having that routine again until maybe Thanksgiving. I already know I'm going to come back to the office with piles of work to do, but I'm hoping that a quiet, 4 day, weekend, will be just the thing.

Of course, by then, I might wind up with even that being busy at the rate things have been going. I kinda hope not. As much as I condone shaking up the routine a little from time to time, and seeking out new experiences when you can, it's also nice to feel the comfort of your normal life too. :)

Go Watch a Sunset

While I was in San Francisco, I had the opportunity to go down to Ocean Beach and watch the sunset. The sunset was so amazing, that the next day, I was emailing pictures back to all of my friends, because I wanted to share that moment of perfect peace with them.

One of them write me back that it was nice to get a reminder that despite everything we may be involved with at the moment, and how important it all seems, that life's bigger than that. It served as a useful reminder to her that there is much more to life than work and all the things we need to do on a daily basis to get through the day. It helps to put things in the proper perspective when you realize that life has more things to enjoy than you can even imagine, especially in the middle of everyday struggles. So, with that I give you, some perspective:

I hope it brings you even a little bit of the peace I felt being there.

How Mental Health Care has Changed

In preparation for the trip, I did a little reading on the history of the place, which, of course also read like a history of mental health treatment. On the cemetary page, naturally, we learn why most of the gravestones bear only a number and no name. The vast majority of the patients were simply brought here by their families, and left to die. Only the graves of those patients whose families claimed them, and bore the cost of the headstone, have names.

The lack of names on the tombstones here bears witness to how little mental illness has been understood, and how poorly it has been treated in our past.

Tags: MentalIllness, Asylum, The Ridges, AthensOhio, Cemetery

Priorities

For all the good things that I've been experiencing in the last few months, it all pales in comparison to having my wife to share them with. Without that, the rest of these things just aren't the same. With that in mind, I need, this weekend, to make a concentrated effort to work on being a good husband, and nothing else. It's time to reconnect with my wife, to spend some time simply enjoying each other's company, relaxing, doing the things we enjoy, and just generally being attentive to each other, instead of paying attention to all the other things that seem to distract us from that.

There's plenty of time to work at improving myself in all areas of life, and I have no intention of ever stopping trying to improve in any of them, but I need to get back to focusing on improving myself as a husband first and foremost. I've been guilty of letting that work take second fiddle to other things for too long. It shouldn't be second to anything.

Tags: Marriage, Self-improvement

Hope you enjoyed your weekend

Tags: Chicago, Travel, Photography

Quiet few days

I know, I know, I've been pretty quiet around here lately. Those of you who read my other sites know I haven't been quiet on the tech side of things, but between the many projects I've been working on over there, the various events leading up to my birthday Weds., and just having a busy summer social schedule, I haven't had much time to be introspective and thus, find writing topics for the site.

On the other hand, it's been an interesting time. I've been able to be more social than usual, while spending free time working on some tech projects, which has helped me not feel totally exhausted from being social. I'm glad I've been able to find a good balance.

I've got a number of social events upcoming, as well as a whole lot of traveling around in the Fall, so we'll see if I can maintain the balance. It's a tricky thing to do for any introvert, as I'm sure many of you understand.

Anyway, I hope those of you in the US enjoy your holiday, and take the time to do something nice for yourself. Assert your independence. :)

Another full Weekend

I've been off-line all weekend, and a bit behind on responding to emails and what not. My brother got married yesterday, which always makes for a hectic time, between the rehearsal dinner on Friday, and the wedding going late into the evening on Saturday, leaving us with only Sunday to run errands and spend some time with the wife.

It was a lovely wedding, and I'm happy for my brother, and my new sister in law. I think he made a good choice, she's a great girl.

Even with all the errands today though, it was too nice a day to not spend some time outside. We took a nice stroll around the neighborhood. Naturally, I had the camera with me, and spent some time experimenting with some settings, getting a few photos like the one below. I believe I've talked many times about how being a bit creative with photography is very enjoyable, and somewhat therapeutic for me. So, in that sense, doing this today was the perfect ending to a weekend spent interacting with all of my family. :)

Staying Social

I'm finding one of the unexpected challenges of my new job is the loss of social interaction. When I worked at the helpdesk, interacting with people and keeping in touch with the folks I considered my friends, was easy. Just as part of the job I'd have to talk to them on a regular basis, so it was easy for someone who is naturally as shy as I am, to be pretty social. I really had no choice but to be in order to be good at my job.

Now that I've moved into a different type of work, and moved into my own office, I am finding it difficult to keep "in touch". I don't have the normal day-to-day interaction with people as part of my job, there is some, but not anywhere near as much. I have to make an effort to go and talk to people, in a social sense, as opposed to just chatting while I was working with them.

I'm not very good at that, but I'm going to have to learn to be better at it if I want to keep the friendships I developed while working at the help desk. We'll see how it goes.

Good News

If you read my other blog, you probably already know about the good news of my new job. While I'm certainly really excited about the possibilities this new position will offer, I'm also a little bit nervous about stepping out of my comfort zone, again, and into something completely new. It's only been about a year and a half since I started working at this firm, and I've gotten comfortable at the help desk. Now I'm really starting that whole process again, complete with all the insecurity, uneasiness, stress, and everything else that goes with a new job.

I comfort myself in the knowledge that I felt completely overwhelmed when I started this job and, eventually, got over that enough to be good at it. Hopefully, I can do it again!

If nothing else, it'll be interesting and will certainly give me plenty to blog about, in both places!

Walking away

Well, I took my own advice today. All that talk about knowing your limits and knowing when a relationship is demanding too much, made a lot of sense when it came to my volunteer commitments with the Friends of the Library. I realized that while I enjoyed the work I had done there, and was proud of it, that continuing to be involved was draining me mentally and emotionally.

There have been too many times when I've come home from lengthy meetings exhausted, stressed, and in a very crabby mood. Volunteer work shouldn't have this much of a negative effect on my emotional health. It's all been too much stress for me to continue to deal with. So I made the decision to walk away today. I think it was the right thing to do for myself.

That does mean I'll have a tad more free time, which is nice. Maybe I'll finally get around to all those tech projects I've been meaning to do. ;)

Regaining Focus

I've discovered, in the process of trying to get regular exercise, that a good workout can really help get myself mentally focused as much as it benefits me physically. Tonight was a fine example. I had a pretty cruddy work day. Came home angry with myself for not being extra cautious and creating a problem that I was going to have to spend a lot of time fixing, and feeling somewhat overwhelmed by the number of things I wanted to try and get done tonight, emails that needed replied to, blog posts needing to be made, little tech projects that need to get done, etc. I even considered for a minute blowing off working out tonight, but with our weather being the way it's been lately, we hadn't been in a week, so I knew the last thing I needed to do was find another excuse not to go.

So we went, I got a vigorous workout, came home, grabbed a quick shower and sat down at the laptop to starting banging on my to-do list. Only now I was in a much better frame of mind, and getting those things off my list was a little easier because I had a better focus on the tasks at hand, and not so much on beating myself up.

I still have a bit of a mess to clean up at work, but it's my mess, and it will get done and be fine by the end of the day tomorrow. A good workout helped put that in perspective.

Back on the bandwagon

After my surgery in November I wasn't able to workout for a couple of weeks. That only served to prove the one thing that people always say about exercise, once you stop working out regularly, it's incredibly hard to get start up again. It really is. Between a case of the flu and holidays it seemed like there were a ton of reasons why I couldn't go workout, so I didn't. After the new year though, Angela and I both agreed that we simply had to start going again, and we have.

We've been going 3 times a week for a couple of weeks now and I can't tell you how much better I feel. I have a ton more energy, my thinking is much more focused, my creative juices are flowing again.

If nothing else, I'm typing this up to remind myself of why I don't want to get out of the habit, or if circumstances force me to do that, to remember why I want to get back in the habit as quickly as possible!

Lack of exercise

I have to confess. I got off the regular exercise bandwagon last month and haven't gotten back on it.

Looking back I can see the problem. I went from a vacation, straight into having and recovering from surgery, and just when I was getting back on my feet from that, I caught a mean case of the flu. It's no surprise that I fell off the bandwagon.

It probably shouldn't be a surprise either that I've been feeling a lack of energy, and have struggled to establish enough mental focus to get much of anything accomplished, huh?

End of year donation

Sorry I've been out of touch, life's been a bit of a whirlwind thanks to getting sick, and then having a death in my wife's family. Many things, let alone blogging, have had to be pushed aside due to those circumstances, but I did want to make a note.

Normally this time of year I talk a bit about what charitable donations I am going to make for year. Normally there's a donation to a child abuse prevention charity, it's been the local children's hospital for example, but I think, in light of recent events, my charity donation is going to begin with something different this year.

You see, the death in my wife's family was her great-grandmother. A woman with many fine traits, a woman my wife has looked up to with the utmost respect, and who has been a source of inspiration to my wife since she was a little girl. Unfortunately, she is also a woman I never knew. For while I've known Angela for almost 7 years, and we've been married for 5, and I've met her great -grandmother many times, she has suffered from Alzheimer's for all that time. She wasn't the woman my wife told stories about, our spoke so highly of, she was a shell of that woman, and as the years went on, she became less and less of that woman. Her Alzheimer's took her away long before her life ended, it deprived all of us from sharing these last years with her, in my case it deprived me of ever getting to know one of my wife's heroes. That was my loss, I have no doubt. From what I've been told of her, I can see her spirit living in my wife, and will continue to do so for many years, I hope, but I never got to see the source of that spirit, even though she was right there physically for all these years. That's a shame, and it's something I hope you never have to know.

I've known it in my own family, and now I've known it in my wife's family. I've watched as my own relatives became distant shadows of themselves, and I've missed out on the opportunity to know a great lady because of Alzheimer's, I want to try and do something to help make sure others don't. I believe Angela and I will be making a donation to the Alzheimer's Association, in memory of her great-grandmother this year.

Weekend Update

I had high hopes for getting a lot done this weekend, figuring since I would be laid up somewhat for the weekend after the surgery, I could drag out the laptop and do some things.

I highly underestimated the power of Vicodin to knock me out cold. So, instead of being laid up and working, I've been laid up and sleeping, a lot!

That being said, the surgery went well, and aside from sleepiness and the occasional discomfort, the after-effects haven't been all that bad. We'll see how the work day tomorrow goes!

Dissociating

I read with great interest Marj's post about feeling grief as opposed to dissociating. One, because I also was diagnosed with one of those "other" dissociative disorders, with fugue being the "major" symptom. But secondly, because my history of dissociating has been a concern of mine recently. I'm due to have some minor surgery in a couple of days, and while I know with full certainty that it's a very simple procedure and there shouldn't be any problems, I still have some fear and anxiety about it, mostly because I'm unsure of exactly how I will react to the situation!

The surgery is a minor procedure, truth be told I'm having a vasectomy, making our decision to not have children a permanent one. Not a major deal, but then again, as a survivor of sexual abuse, simply by virtue of the location of the procedure, it stands to be somewhat emotionally traumatic for me. Perhaps I will write about both the procedure and my difficulty with it in more detail over the weekend, after it's over. :)

Unfortunately, when faced with this anxiety I have noticed myself dissociating ever so slightly. That's not good. That's not the healthy way to deal with this, but it is still my natural inclination. I still react to the stress the same way I always dealt with my depression, having the desire to either sleep, or just not be present in some way, until it's all over. I'm afraid that in a small, but significant way, I haven't been here lately while I wait for this to be over.

Which just goes to show, even after all this time some behaviors are very tough to unlearn.

Lovely Afternoon

The original plan while Angela was off visiting her folks this weekend was to get caught up on some tech projects. But the late afternoon sunshine was too tempting for me, so I just had to put those off and go shoot some pictures today. :)

Hope you're all enjoying your holiday weekend!

Ego Boost

Someone I know who works for OSU was checking out a few of the pictures I had sent her that I had taken around the campus, and they were popular enough that the folks working on a reunion website asked if they could use a couple of them. Granted, the fact that I would let them use them for free without requiring any credit played into their decision to use them I'm sure, but it's still nice to know people think highly enough of something I've done to want to use it.

We all need the occasional ego boost every now and then, and I promise I won't let it go to my head. :)

80469-060420-721825-51
© 2006 All Rights Reserved.

Chocolate Milk?

We spent the weekend in Findlay visiting Angela's folks and touring around their new home town. Apparently, the Blanchard River got a little muddy from the storms Friday night, because the spillway looked like a whole lot of chocolate milk. :)

36592-060416-283058-70
© 2006 All Rights Reserved.

Exercise update

I was reminded by seeing the throw-away remark by Robert Scoble in a long post about the need to get some excercise to help deal with stress, that I haven't really discussed our exercise plan here lately. So, by way of an open letter to Scoble, here's an update:

Robert,

I saw with great interest your comment about needing to get to the gym and how it might help with stress and I just wanted to encourage you to do exactly that. My wife and I made the decision after the first of the year to take advantage of the fact that works for a university to go ahead and get a membership to use the campus recreation facilities. I knew I needed to get in better shape, and lose some weight, but never having been a big "fitness" guy, I had my doubts about how well I would take to it. So we only bought one quarter's worth of a membership. That expired earlier this month and there was no doubt we'd be renewing.

From one IT worker/blogger to another, there's simply no better way to transition from work to home or personal tech projects than spending an hour or so working out. For me, it cleanses the stress of the work day and allows me to get focused on what comes next. That gives me more energy to get more done in the evening than I had before. Now, instead of vegging on a TV show, or struggling to focus on personal projects after a long day at work, I hit the gym, spend 45 minutes on the bike, or treadmill do a little weight training and head home completely ready for what comes next, feeling less stressed, less worn out, more energetic, and more mentally aware.

What would be even better is if you could get Maryam to go as well. Knowing that we're going to be doing something together 3-4 times a week helps Angela and I stay in touch when things are busy, and gives us a shared goal, which is a very good thing to have. It keeps the wife from feeling like all my goals and interests are tech-related. :)

I'm not going to get all fitness-nazi on you. Anyone who knows me either in real life or on-line knows I'm no stranger to pizza, beer, Twinkies, etc. and I don't really care if I carry a few extra pounds, so I haven't just started dropping pounds and proclaming my exercise program to be the best thing since sliced bread. But, I have lost some weight, I see a bit of difference, and more importantly, I'm mentally healthier because of it. I feel stressed less often, and the extra energy is helping me get more things off my to-do list.

That seems like reason enough, doesn't it?

Back from San Francisco

Had a nice time, spent a lot of time and energy exploring the city and surrounding area. You can see more of my pictures over in the gallery.

A littte break

Yes it's true. I've been very, very busy of late but with the end of my volunteering to hang around as a consultant to my former employer having come, at last I can begin to focus on some other projects, and maybe make an effort to post more often! ;)

However, the first order of business is spending some quality time with my too-neglected wife. With that in mind, we leave in the morning (very early in the morning) for a nice long weekend in San Francisco. I'm looking forward to the opportunity to recharge and come back full of energy, ready to take on the next challenge that awaits.

Remember, it's very important to take the time to recharge, refocus, and otherwise take care of yourself. Without that, burnout or breakdowns awaits at every corner.

ESBN 18366-060303-100792-89

Weighing in

Just an update to the goal of getting in better physical shape in 2006. After 3 weeks of regular workouts I was somewhat disappointed to find that I had only lost 4 pounds. I was hoping the wieght loss would be a little more than that, but then I remembered what the goal was, it was to just be better. So I'm 4 pounds lighter than I was before. That's a good thing!

Also, upon further reflection and a couple more weeks of workouts, while I might not be melting the pounds away I am definitely feeling like I have more stamina, and more energy. I'm able to work out harder without getting tired or sore, and I definitely notice my stress level going down on days after we've been to workout the night before compared to days we have other plans. So I'm building muscle and stamina, which is going to limit the weight loss, but I'm feeling better and I am losing some weight, so it's all good!

Better in 2006

As I've discussed before, I've spent years working on simply being better instead of making new year's resolutions. I figure that's it's better to concentrate on the goal of being a better person every day than it is to make resolutions that go away after a few weeks. I've worked, with some success, and continue to work on being a better husband, writer, friend, and worker. I try to make better decisions, make better use of my time, and keep learning, but this year it's become clear that one area of life has always been more difficult than others when it came to being better, and that was working toward being better physically. I've found this area to be a problem for many abuse survivors, though I'm not sure why.

Over the last few years of being married and happy, I've put on some weight, there's no denying that. My wife's job at the university alumni association afforded us the ability to purchase a sports and recreation pass to use all of their facilities, which offer a vast number of options for getting exercise. (Everything from a lap pool, cardio equipment, weight training, to dodge ball sessions.) We decided to sign up for this quarter and see whether we could keep up a regular schedule of workouts before signing up for a whole year. So far, we went twice over the weekend and are planning on going again tonight. I even weighed myself the first night we were there, which was scary. I haven't weighed myself in years, and I weigh even more than I thought I did, which is unsettling, but now at least I have a way to measure my progress. Here's hoping we can be diligent and I can make some progress!

Happy Holidays

I know for many survivors this time of year can be difficult and filled with stress as we navigate the treacherous waters that constitute our families, so I just want to take a moment and wish you all well, and hope that we all remember to take care of ourselves!

Time flies

Last night I found out that two of my younger brothers got engaged over this past weekend, including my youngest brother, which makes me feel very old, but serves as a useful reminder that time flies. I was almost 16 when he was born. My mother was very sick after his birth and my dad was working nights, so there were more than a few occasions those first weeks when I was the one who got up with the baby. I still have very vivid memories of rocking him to sleep while watching late-night television, (He stayed awake through all of This is Spinal Tap with me.) or making sure he was fed and put back to bed. Now he's engaged.

Talk about a wake up call to make sure you're living life to the fullest every day, because it sure goes by quickly!

Good news

Cross-posted on both my blogs:

It's been a long week. I know I've been quiet around here, but besides being just a busy week, I've been distracted all week by the birth, and subsequent complications, of our new niece. I'm happy to say that she is progressing, and they anticipate her being able to go home in time for Thanksgiving. Angela was able to get up to Akron Children's hospital on Monday, when she was first transferred there, but today was my first opportunity to travel up there. It was the first opportunity for either of us to hold her though.

Angela has some of the touching details on her blog. I'd only add one more. Last year I made a contribution to our own local children's hospital in Columbus and directed it to their child abuse prevention programs as part of this site. After this experience, I will be giving some serious thought to adding to the contribution and directing some of it to the medical care as well.

Put in Bay

IM004247
Originally uploaded by mikemac29.

Getting outside my comfort zone

For those of you who haven't seen the news on my other blog I'm going to be switching jobs at the end of next week. I'm going to be leaving the first job I had after being in the hospital, getting divorced, and finally getting healthy through therapy and off anti-depressants. The job I've had, and played no small part in learning to value myself, learning to deal with stress in healthy ways, learning social skills, etc. The job where I would eventually meet the love of my life and get married again, thereby breaking two promises that I had made to myself, not to date co-workers and not to get married again. (What can I say, when someone like Angela comes along, it changes the rules you've lived by before.)

Yes, I'm leavng a job I've held for almost 8 years, a job I knew like the back of my hand, where I safely had navigated all the office politics and interpersonal messiness that goes on in small offices, and moving to a place where I'll know none of this stuff.

But I'm still excited, by the challenges, the new experiences, new people and new technology that I'll be using and learning about every day. So, even though the switch might take me away from the things I've grown used to, and maybe change many of the patterns I've grown accustomed to, finding new pattersn should be a lot of fun!

Or, at least it won't get boring. :)

Weekend

The weekend started with the Jazz and Rib Fest Friday night, then checking out the Karamazov Brothers and the finale of the orchestra and fireworks at the Lancaster Festival Saturday night. It's already been a fun-filled summer weekend. Hope you're finding a way to enjoy yours!

Has it been that long?

Gee has it really been since June that I posted anything here? For that matter, how did it get to be July 9th already? I'm not complaining, last weekend was filled with so much of the fun and frivolity that comes along with celebrating my, and the nation's, birthday that I seriously have nothing at all to complain about. It just all flew by so quickly and then I simply swung back into work made so quickly that it doesn't even seem like I had any time to really savor it all.

Eh, but life's like that, isn't it? If you're not careful, you miss a lot.

End of an era

Earlier this week, I gave away all my roller-hockey equipment. When I first started coming off medication and learning how to make healthy decisions, I started playing rec-league hockey just for me. It was one of the first things I did simply because I enjoyed it, not because it was going to impress someone, or because it served some higher purpose, it was just fun, it helped me enjoy life a little bit.

As the years went on though, and I learned to make those sorts of decisions on a regular basis, and I got a little bit older, and slower, and busier, so I quit playing. I haven't played since before Angela and I got married almost 4 years ago. When I heard that a woman I work with was having a garage sale to benefit her daughter's basketball team, and that she was looking for donations, I finally looked at that old equipment sitting in our basement and said to myself "I'm not going to be playing again, I've gotten older, and have a different life now, and playing hockey just isn't the priority it once was, so why not give it away?" So I did.

Of course, the funny thing is, there are still some people I work with who will ask me about playing hockey, as if I have been playing all this time. They see me as a guy who plays hockey in his spare time. Apparently, it's never occurred to them that I might have moved on and changed over the last 5 years, or at least they've not bothered to notice that I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago. Makes me wonder if there are people out there who don't grow and change over the course of 5 years or more. Seems like such a waste.

Vacation

I had a good time on vacation this week. It was tiring trying to get everywhere I wanted to go and see everything I wanted to see, but I really enjoy that. There's something about the adventure that really makes me feel alive. Plus, getting out and seeing the larger world really puts my problems in perspective. Let's face it, when you're standing in the "Bloody Lane" at Antietam, where over 5000 men died in just about 4 hours of fighting, it's pretty easy to see that the things I worry about day-to-day aren't quite as all-important as I might have thought previously. Pictures available here:

http://www.mikemcbrideonline.com/gallery/Charlottesville

http://www.mikemcbrideonline.com/gallery/SkylineDrive-HarpersFerry

Speaking of pictures, Angela posted the picture she had to take of me today, sporting the surprise I had for her when I got home. It's been a long time since I sported a look with no facial hair. :)

Friends

It's been a very eventful couple of weeks in the workplace for me, but it's also provided a very interesting look into the people I work with. One of my coworkers needed to take a leave of absence. Nothing that doesn't go on in the business world every day, but in a small office like ours, his absence, combined with the recent turnover of another position in the same department really left that department scrambling to get things covered.

I've often heard the expression that it's the tough times that let you know who your friends really are, and this case was no exception. I remember too when I was first diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder and major depression that I really found out who my friends were, and much to my surprise, there weren't that many.

In this situation, my first reaction to the news that this guy was going to be off for a little while was to figure out what I could do to help him. The following thought was simply, "if he was here to tell me how I could help he'd tell me to do everything I could to help his boss get things covered". Since he and I are good friends, that's exactly what I set out to do, and in the process I've actually become much more of a friend to his boss than I was before. Luckily my skills match up with some of my friends job, so I could help her out with getting things covered, but more than that, and not to toot my own horn, but I think she was just relieved to have someone come and ask her what they could do to help, as opposed to complaining about things not getting done faster!

Anyway, my point in talking about this isn't too brag about myself or the others who stepped up to help, nor is it to complain about the people who didn't. It's more to pose the challenge to you, the reader. Are you the kind of friend who responds to trouble in other's lives with "How can I help?" or are you the kind of friend who keeps their distance from other's troubles?

I know which choice I've gotten more fulfillment from the last couple of weeks. It hasn't always been easy, but I've formed some bonds and attachments with people in my office that wouldn't have been possible without that experience of working hard together through tough times. That's a pretty good reward for working hard. A lot better than the reward I'd get from doing nothing.

April Fools Day

Perhaps you won't be surprised to know that Angela and I went on our first date exactly 5 years ago tonight. We're both just a couple of fools!

I definitely didn't foresee what was to come over the next 5 years, but then again it just goes to show you how much life goes on and things change quickly and things sometimes take us by surprise. It's a real rollercoaster, life, and you wouldn't want to miss out on the ride!

On another note, I've been considering starting up an email list for this site. I've noticed that the forums really haven't taken off the way I had hoped, so I was thinking about an email list, where every post to this blog would get mailed out to the list, and all of the subscribers could discuss those posts, or anything else they wanted to discuss. What do you think? Would you subscribe?

Networking as listening

Last night I attended a brief workshop-type class on social networking, as opposed to the computer networking that I usually study. :)

Being a typical IT guy, sometimes in social situations I can be a bit awkward, at best. Since I keep reading about most people find jobs through people they know, and since as a Trustee for the Friend's of the Library I'll be attending a lot more meetings and functions, I figured it was time to try and learn to handle social interaction a bit better. A couple of things stood out about this workshop that I wanted to share, since being awkward and shy seems to be a common trait among survivors.

At the beginning of class, the instructor had us go around and introduce ourselves and talk about why we were there. Most of that, as you can imagine, centered around people talking about being shy, uncomfortable, etc. He then told us all to stand up, and said in the next 3 minutes go around and introduce yourself to as many people as you can. At the end of three minutes he could hardly get everyone to sit down again. He then used that to show us that the problem isn't our inability to be social, afterall people with true social inhibitions wouldn't be at that class! Here, when we were forced to introduce ourselves and talk to each other, no one had any problem doing just that. What we needed to learn what how to overcome fears, and how to stop selling ourselves short.

Later he addressed the subject that so many of us dread, not having anything interesting to say. He began with a few stories he had read, or experienced himself, and then asked us to think back upon our day, and count the number of times we had someone's undivided attention. Then think back upon the last week, last month. I know at times I have my wife's undivided attention, and at times she has mine, but that's about it. He then began to describe how, by giving someone our undivided attention, by really listening to them talk, we would make a lasting, good impression on them. By moving from "guest" to "host" behavior, where you are more concerned with making the other person feel comfortable and enjoying themselves, you worry less about having something witty to say. You pay more attention to the other person and what they have to say, and because it is so rare for someone to actually listen and care, you make a memorable impression without having to say much of anything.

Of course the trick is learning to care, if you don't care about what other people are saying, you can't fake it. People see through that.

Been a long time...

I was just looking over this site and realized it's been awhile since I had anything to say here, so I figured I'd drop a few lines for those of you who don't follow my other site, to let you know what's been going on.

Things are fine, in fact they're better than fine, they're downright cool. Maybe that's why I'm out of sorts writing here. Between my wife's new job, my own election to the Friends of the Library Board, and various techie projects these last few weeks, survivor issues have been put on the back burner a bit, and I don't really see that as a bad thing. Sometimes, it helps to simply put our issues aside and go out and do something. To live a little, while we can.

I know that feeling

I know the feeling Kevin talked about on his blog last night all too well. For all the guilt and depression I suffered through all the years of abuse, none of that feels as bad as disappointing a wife so worthy of my love and care.

Hang in there Kevin, the best thing about our wives is how much they see the good in us even when we don't.

The best laid plans...

Last week was a definite reminder that plans can change. What I had thought would be a relatively quiet weekend of catching up with errands and a few tech projects, turned into a trip to Louisiana for my wife's grandfather's funeral. Amid all the running around and all the family time, I was reminded of how often we try and control every aspect of our lives by planning and scheduling and how, sometimes, life just doesn't work that way.

On the other hand, I can also remember that when I was at my worst, considering suicide and not seeing how my life could possibly be any good to anyone, that the one thing that kept me going through that was the knowledge that with life, you just never know what's going to happen. I never could have pictured the life I have today at that time, or really at anytime prior to that, yet here it is. Sometimes things don't always work out the way you plan them, but that's what makes life so interesting and adventurous!

Slacker

OK, ok, I admit it, I've been a slacker when it comes to this site. I've been extremely busy at work, and extremely busy with holiday stuff that I simply haven't really had time to think any deep thoughts that would be appropriate for this blog. I've been completely preoccupied with technolgy-related thoughts.

Of course, that's not a bad thing. I'm getting a lot done, accomplishing many things, learning new and interesting stuff, and investigating some interesting "hobbies", which are activities that always make me a happier person, but which have taken a little too much time away from writing here. So, given that I have a few spare minutes, I hope you all are getting through the holidays and finding your own joy in the midst of what can be a rather difficult time for many.

On a personal note.

Today at work, one of my co-workers mentioned to me that her husband was just "in love" with my wife. Now before you assume this is some big scandal, I should probably tell you that they're an older couple who we had over to our house as part of a Holiday get together over the weekend. He got to meet Angela for the first time and was very impressed with her hospitality, wit, charm, etc. To top that off, Angela sent my co-worker a recipe for a cake that he really enjoyed, and sent me to work with some leftover Habanero cheese that he enjoyed too, proving that her thoughtfulness and hospitality extends beyond just the event at our house.

She made the comment that Angela made quite the impression on him, but that was no surprise, that she is impressive. I said, "I know, that's why I married her". :)

It's unfortunate that sometimes I get so lost in my own work or problems that I have to be reminded of how wonderful my wife is, but I'm glad I was today. I'm incredibly lucky to be her husband, and while I can't say that I deserve her, I'm glad that I was able to overcome and become the sort of person she'd want to be married to.

Three years ago...

It's Sept. 21 2004. Three years ago at this time, the world was still recovering from 9/11, yet somehow life had moved on. Three years ago at this time, my own life had moved on, and another event was about to change my life. The two events will always be tied together in my mind, not only because the plans for one had been affected by the first, but because, to me, nothing else is so powerful a reminder of what it means to be alive.

Being alive brings pain, and suffering, as it did on that September morning. Yet being alive also brings with it joy, happiness, and love, as it did for me on the 22nd of that month, when I was lucky enough to marry my soulmate, my equal, and my best friend.

This time three years ago, we were wrapping up our rehearsal dinner, and I was taking some time to myself back at the hotel in Jonesborough, Tenn. Despite everything that had happened 10 days earlier, (much of it in my hometown, New York, which affected me deeper than I admitted at the time), I was feeling hopeful, and looking forward to a future with my bride. I was, dare I say, excited about this future, which was sort of a new feeling, I admit!

Now three years later, I can honestly say that the vision and hope I had for our future together pales in comparison to the reality of sharing my life, and my love, with Angela every day. I am a very lucky man to have found such a love, and such joy, and I don't want to ever forget that.

Happy Anniversary, my dear.

That's work..

I've been reading a book about networking as part of my attempt to find a new job. Last night I was trying to work on a few of the exercises concerning professional goals, values, etc. One of the exercises was to list 5 accomplishmnets that I am proud of. Ha! Little do they know me, do they?

On the other hand, even though it took a lot of work and I really had to stretch to get to 5, I did come up with 5 things that I am proud of. Believe me, that's 2-3 more than I've ever been proud of before in my life, and 5 more than some points in my life. That's improvement, right?

The five:

1- Survivng and overcoming child abuse and depression
2- Having a happy, healthy marriage and being a good husband
3- Having taught myself enough about computers to be very good at my current job.
4- Passing my A+ technical certifications last year
5- Gaining the confidence and comfort to be adventurous, turning that into opportunities to travel, photo, and explore the world around me.

Lovely weekend

Yes it was a lovely, and exhausting, weekend! :)

First off was my appointment with my massage therapist Friday evening. Now, since I work with computers, and spend a lot of my free time working with computers, I have certain issues with my neck and shoulders that have, on occasion, led to problems with migraines. Going to see Amiee once every couple of months seems to really help with that, but it comes at a cost. It hurts. It makes me sore. Sore in that good "Oh this is moving the tension out of my neck/shoulders" way, but sore none the less.

Saturday, with Angela off at her parents, I took advantage of the free time to spend the day/evening at the Dublin Irish Festival. I love Celtic-Rock music and stayed until 11ish taking in bands like Gaelic Storm, the Prodigals and the Saw Doctors. A good time, most definitely! I identify strongly with my Irish heritage, as most of you know. I think a big part of it is how much fun the Irish have. Seriously, listen to some traditional Irish music sometime. The stories are tragic, and they're all fighting mad about being oppressed but darn if they aren't having a good time while singing! When I stop to think about all the things that were taken from my, between the abusive childhood, and the years of manic depression, and all the things that trouble me still, I can't help but think that maybe they're on to something there. I mean, no matter what life brings you, no matter how much other people try and hurt you, or things aren't working out, you gotta enjoy yourself and have a good time. :)

After finally making it home and to bed around 1AM, I was on the road at 8AM Sunday to meet up with Angela an her folks in Cincinnati. Another day of tooling around the aquarium and downtown Cincy, and then another 1:45 trip back home, and I pretty much just collapsed into bed last night, dreading well the early rise for work this morning.

But like I said earlier, even though my work's not everything I'd like it to be, and things here over the last few years have really made me unhappy, I can't let it keep me from enjoying the rest of my life!

Now if I could just manage to fit in a little extra sleep and some rest for my weary, sore legs before Angela gets back Weds., that'll be grand!

Back from vacation

Yes I know, I've been back for a few days, but I've been pretty busy, mostly wishing we could be back on the beach! You can see more of our vacation here, or Angela's version of events, here. Enjoy!

The ocean

It wasn't until we got to Myrtle Beach today and walked out on the beach and hit the water before I realized something. I realized that I really, really miss the ocean. It was a place I got to as a kid every summer, living in NYC, but I haven't been to an ocean beach in years and years. How could I have forgotten? There's something sort of sad about that..

Birthday

Yes last weekend was my 36th birthday. On the 4th, as a matter of fact. It made for a fun weekend, what with your normal 4th of July festivites on top of various birthday celebrations. It was rather nice to have a 3 day weekend, to spend time with family and friends, relax, celebrate, etc. In fact it felt so nice that I've had a really hard time being motivated to do much work on anything this week.

You've probably noticed how little I get done on this site when I'm feeling content, happy, even joyful. It's nice to take a break from thinking about, reading about, and generally paying attention to child abuse issues. Can't ever truly walk away from them, they're a little too dangerous, and always will be, but it's nice to simply enjoy life for awhile without them!

Been away

I haven't been updating here as much as I would like to, but hopefully now that Angela's feeling better, life can get a little bit back to normal! Who knew a little virus could create such havoc in our lives? :)

I can tell you that while she gives me a lot of credit for being there and taking care of her when she was not feeling well, I can honestly say it was my pleasure. Being a good husband to my wife is the most important job I have. Doing it well, is truly it's own reward! I hope you all can know how much being truly in love can change your life for the positive...

Oh and, as always, even if I'm not available you're all welcome to "talk amongst yourselves" over in the forums.

Reminders

Yesterday I got a physical reminder of why it's important to keep stress levels low by finding ways of coping with stress better. Most days I do this fairly well, but yesterday there were a number of issues at work and people I either needed to get information to, or get information from, or get in contact with, or help with probems etc. By the end of the day I was physically exhausted, even though I hadn't done anything more physically active than being on vacation was! No, all the stress and the adrenaline had left me feeling quite weak and shaky. Not good!

The situation was taken care of fairly quickly by arriving home, having some food for my blood sugar levels, and relaxing for a little bit, but it is a nice little reminder of how much can go wrong physically if you let stress issues go for too long. One stressful work day where I didn't pay attention to my stress level caused this, I don't want to know what weeks or months of slacking on my stress-coping techniques would do to me!

Home again

Made it home again safely. I've put together a gallery of pictures from the vacation here, hope you enjoy them!

As if to remind me of why it's important to enjoy these things in your life while you can, I returned home to news that one of my roomates from way back in my college years passed away from diabetes complications last week. It was someone I had lost contact with over the years, and probably haven't even heard from in 10 years or so, but reading about his death brought back a lot of good memories of times we had in that house on Summit Street. Memories I haven't thought about in a long time.

Silver and Gold

As if to add an exclamation point to last week's mention of living every day, I picked up the last Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros CD this weekend. The very last song on it is a song named Silver and Gold. It's a reworking of an old country tune by Bobby Charles called Before I grow too old in which the chorus is:

I'm gonna take a trip around the world
I'm gonna kiss all the pretty girls
I'm gonna do everything Silver and Gold
But I got to hurry up before I grow too old

Given the fact that this album was released posthumously, there's something very sad about listening to Joe Strummer sing these words.

Live every day

A couple of people that I work with are dealing with deaths in their families this week. It makes for a work environment with a twinge of sadness to it. But it also serves as a good reminder to enjoy every day to it's fullest and to appreciate all of the good things we have in our lives because they won't always be there. That's not a bad thing to be reminded of every now and again...

Happy St. Patrick's Day

I wrote this about the day over on my tech site:

"As most of you know from reading my sites, I very closely identify myself with my Irish heritage. I've spent a lot of time studying Irish history, as well as the history of Irish-Americans. I have a great respect for the people of Ireland and all that they, and the early immigrants to America, have had to overcome. Yet with all the sadness, tragedy and hardships they've had to endure, you'll find no group of people who enjoy everything life has to offer any more than the Irish. Take today to follow their example and enjoy all the good things in your life!"

I'm sure you can recognize why I identfy so much with the suffering and pain of the Irish, as well as the ability to overcome it all and enjoy life. There's a lot to be respected in that, and a lot to be learned, especially for those of us learning to overcome childhood abuse.

More about goals

Following up on that last post, I want to expound on a couple of things. Both of them have to do with personal responsibility. The first is something that should be obvious, but I know isn't to many people. It wasn't obvious to me for almost 30 years. :)

As we've already discussed, you can't be responsible for anyone else's happiness, but you are responsible for your own. If you are not happy with your life, do something about it! Quit waiting for someone else to make you happy. Quit waiting for that one person to come along who is going to make you happy. Quit blaming other's for the unhappiness in your life. Take responsibility for your own happiness!

The other thing is the idea of life goals. I talked about one of my life goals being to be a good husband to my wife. That's a good example of a goal, but it's misleading. It's a good example because meeting the goal is entirely up to me. I'm not dependent on anyone else to meet that goal. It's a bit misleading because if you're not married, being a good husband is a horrible goal! It's horrible because you're not anyone's husband and you can't work toward that goal today, which is what life goals really are all about.

I guess I should have explained further. One of my life goals is to be a good man. By that, I mean that my goal is to do the right thing, stand up for what I believe, be a good worker, be chivalrous, caring, kind and generous. To enjoy all the things life has to offer and share them with others, and to share the pain and suffering that life brings us as well. It involves many, many different aspects of my life, and it involves always striving to be better than I am today. Being a good husband is part of this larger goal now that I am someone's husband, but before that, I was focused on being a good man, period. That's a goal you can work on every day, for the rest of your life.

When setting your goals, the important thing to remember is where you end and other's begin. I desire to have a good marriage, but it's the part I control that I focus on, because I can't control the rest. I desire to be respected at work, and recognized for my abilities, but my goal is to simply go to work each day and do my very best. That's the part I control, the rest depends on someone else. If it happens, great, but even if it doesn't, I met my goals, and I can feel good about what I've done. Waiting for other's to affirm or approve your efforts can be a very long and unsatisifying wait.

Bottom line: It's your life, you choose how you want to live it, and nobody else is going to live it for you.

Is everybody happy?

I got an email the other day with a sort of throw away comment that bothered me. Not so much in an offensive way, more of a "huh?". The comment was this "My goal in life is to make everyone happy".

Now that sounds nice, and on first reading it was that sort of self-sacrificing, kind thing that people say, but don't mean literally. Except I think this person, and many other people, mean it exactly as it's said. How sad for them. They've made the goal of their life something that they do not control, can not control and aren't responsible for!

Let's give an example. I love my wife, and having her be happy is one of the most exciting and worthwhile things I can spend my life trying to do. But I can't ever do it completely. As much as I try, there are any number of things that can make her unhappy on any given day that I have nothing to do with. (her job, her family, her friends, her health, etc.) The choices she makes concerning her job and her relationships with other people are her choices, and if they make her happy, great, but if they don't, that's her responsibility, not mine.

Of course, if I make it the goal of my life to make her happy, then every set back, or everything that makes her sad is, by extension, my fault:

My job is to make her happy. She's not happy, therefore I am failing.

Real life isn't that linear. In fact, my job is to be the best husband I can be. That should, in turn, make her happy with that aspect of her life. But the happiness is a symptom, not the goal. The only part of that equation I can control is being the best husband I know how to be. The rest of it is beyond my control. Her happiness is a step beyond what I can do. It's like going into a job interview. All you can control is how you act and how you handle the interview. You could go in, do the best interview you've ever done, do everything exactly the way you wanted to, and still not get the job. That doesn't mean you were a poor interview, it means they made their own decision about what they wanted. A decision you don't control.

On the flip side of this, consider also the fact that living this way is selfish. It sounds selfless but it's not. You're robbing other people of their rights. I have the right to make my own choices and pursue my own happiness, if I can borrow from historical documents. By taking the responsibility of my happiness on yourself, you are taking away the things that make me most alive. Being alive is about making choices, making mistakes, enjoying happiness and experiencing profound sadness. Anything less is not a full life. By taking it upon yourself to be solely responsible for another's happiness, you're shortchanging two lives. What a waste.

Follow up

I told you earlier about my wife getting a gift certificate for a professional massage and the way the have to deal with victims of abuse and rape often. Well last night was my appointment and I'm happy to report that it was pretty cool.

The first thing you have to do is fill out a medical history form, and also a "permission" form. The permission part of the form let's you specify if there are certain parts of your body you do not want to be touched, whether it be legs, face, abdomen, etc. That's a nice touch. Of course, for me it's not so much about where I'm touched as much as it is by whom, so it was good that when I met the therapist, I felt absolutely no sense of intimidation or fear. Then I could just check off that everything was ok and go from there. That lack of intimidation makes everything easy for me, and is somewhat hard to define. It's just a feeling I get from seeing someone, their physical presence and their attitude. She was also very good about communicating what she was doing, and letting me know that it was ok to tell her if something made me uncomfortable. That's important too, mostly because yo