Well this has been one hell of a day! I started my new job today....and the realizations I came to throughout the day, just amazed me. First I had to get to work, and all the way there I couldn't belive how nervous I felt. OK so starting a new job and being nervous is nothing new to most...and after suffering from dissociative states and severe depression, it had been over a year since I'd been able to work. But it still shocked me...I've started at least 7 new jobs before and never felt close to this nervous.

That's when it hit me like a brick in the face. I never felt ANYTHING before! I wasn't capable of feeling nervous up until now. Just the simple fact that I could feel what , for what most people, is a normal emotion, is one HUGE sign of improvement!

One other bizarre juxtaposition occured when I realized that the building I work in is withing sight of the Greyhound station downtown..gee last time I was there I was so physically sick I could barely walk, and so mentally sick I couldn't function at all! Coming back to Ohio was my only hope of living at all at the time. Yet, here today I was walking past the station, fully functional, working a great job, looking forward to being able to be successful in whatever I do. Having the confidence that comes from having been at the very bottom and surviving, knowing that I can overcome anything put in my way, with a little help from my friends of course!

Why put this writing up you may ask? Am I bragging?? Quite the contrary, I willingly admit to having been in the worst possible situations before, and I take responsibilty for the fact that MY choices made those worse than they had to be. But I want people to know that you CAN survive and overcome these things.... I am not perfect, I still have my bad days, those come with survivng child abuse! And most important of all, I don't have any special skills that any of you don't have. All it took was a desire to get better, and I have, and continue to!

BY Mike McBride 12/17/97