My very first childhood memory is about my grandfather. I was being abused by him. It happened at the beach in the ocean while we live in Florida. He had me out in over my head....so I couldn't get away. I have many issues as an adult about feeling cornered or trapped. I lash out if ever I feel I am trapped in any way. This includes marriage, my job, my kids, family, & friends.
I was abuse by my grandfather even after I became an adult. In the end, when he was dying of cancer and no one cared. I was there for him and took care of him for two years before he died. I was glad when he died and still do not understand how my compassion for a dying man could be stronger than my hatred for a abusive grandfather.
My mother and father divorce when I was about 9 years old. My mother was looking for anything to hold on to, or anyone. She would have lots of parties with very questionable people. There were two people, on two different occasions that abused me at her so called parties. Her need for companionship took priority over my safety.
When I was almost 11 we moved and my mother remarried. The man she married had two sons and a daughter. The middle child, one of the boys, was very abusive. He raped me when I was 11 years old. He took my innocence, all my dreams, my hopes and replaced them with fear, humiliation, despair, sadness, anger, and hatred for myself and every man. The abuse went on for almost two years. I ended it by pulling a knife on him and almost killing him. I know where the anger came from but it scares me, even to this day. He almost killed me, but the abuse ended and that is all that mattered to me. My mother and stepfather knew about the abuse and did nothing. The school where we both attended knew about it and did nothing. Other family members knew and did nothing. The authorities in my town knew and did nothing. So many people hear my cries and did nothing.
I grew older and went into an abusive marriage. Still unable to determine what I need and who can give it to me. My marriage ended and I am alone for the first time in my life. I have two children and a full time job. Sometimes life is overwhelming. I suffer from depression but I go to therapy every week. I also attend a group every other week. I would recommend therapy to anyone. I feel everyone needs therapy for something.
I am trying to discover me. Somethings I like, a lot of things I don't like. I have tried suicide several times. My children are what keeps me going. I want to give them a better life than what I had. If I can give them good memories of their childhood then maybe, just maybe, it will fill some of the emptiness that I have from mine. To see how being a child should be, through their eyes.
There are some books that I would like to recomend to anyone who has been through any kind of abuse. Most people have and don't even realize it. Abuse is defined as this: any sexual activity, verbal, visual or physical, engaged in without consent, which may be emotionally or physically harmful and which exploits a person in order to meet another person's sexual or emotional needs. The person does not consent if he or she cannot reasonably choose to consent or refuse because of age, circumstances, level of understanding, and denpendency or relationship to the offender. I have gone through most of my therapy on my own through these two books: The Wounded Heart by Dr. Dan B. Allender and Beyond the Darkness by Cynthia A. Kubetin & James Mallory, M.D. I always suggest these books to anyone that tells me their story of abuse. I have read both books many times and will read them again and again. Each time I read it, I discover something else about myself. I also distroyed these books many times so the copies that I have are not the originals that I bought. So if this happens to you, you are not alone.
I don't know if telling my story will help anyone. I may add to it later. It is hard to put into words some of the things that I went through because writting them means seeing them in my mind and the pain is to great.
I hope I talk to you soon in PC
Love
Kel (my uncertainty)