I had a thought the other day, about people and friendships, about why, as a survivor, there are certain people we’re more likely to trust and others not so much. I think many times it’s no fault of the person, there’s just something about them that keeps us from being comfortable with them. For instance, over the years I’ve always had trouble being close friends with guys. I absolutely know that part of that is the fact that my abusers were male. I don’t think I’m alone in that either.
Even more than that, the guys who I do count as close friends are generally physically smaller than me. The person who sexually abused me as a child was tall, thin, had blue eyes, etc. I know people who fit a similar description now, and they actually make me uncomfortable. Not because of anything they did or anything they are, it’s just their physical characteristics remind me of the person who abused me, so it’s going to be ridiculously hard to let my guard down and trust them. Maybe you could say that is my loss, and I won’t argue with you, but it’s what I have to do to feel safe.