Comments on: Heal & Forgive: Forgiveness in the Face of Abuse

By: Mary

Mary — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 12:08:48 +0000

I have been following this post and comments and I’m confused. I read “Heal and Forgive” and it was the first book I read that said I didn’t have to forgive! In fact the whole focus of her book is about healing the self. Ms Richards describes in depth the process she went through to come to this realization. She had read many books on child abuse and all of the books were telling her she had to forgive in order to heal. It was very clear to her that this wasn’t working. After many attempts to have a healthy relationship with her family she eventually realized that whether it was acceptable or not it was necessary for her healing to limit if not curtail her contact with her family of origin. Through this process she discovered that it was possible to reach a place of peace and forgiveness within herself.

I agree there are many definitions of forgiveness. Wikipedia is a great source to further that debate. There is also a wonderful book about anger by Thich Nhat Hanh called Anger. As Ms Richards says in her book, anger is a necessary, acceptable and healthy part of healing. On the other hand, she also says, as does Thich Nhat Hanh, that looking after yourself includes healthy ways of experiencing your anger.

I do not hesitate to endorse this book. It helped me recognize and break the cycle of abusive relationships that began in my childhood and continued throughout my adult life. I’m still learning!

By: Kahless

Kahless — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 16:39:25 +0000

I am with you Mike.
I think being told to forgive and being expected to forgice is debunkem.

We all need to support our inner child and a forgiveness in most contexts denys our inner child.

Good for you Mike.

By: D0ubleNine

D0ubleNine — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 18:26:57 +0000

http://www.guardian.co.uk/worldlatest/story/0,,-7235582,00.html

I hit the anger stage of my healing process, that took a year. I forgave my father, that was easier, he was family and it was general emotional stuff as well as some beatings – when it’s physical, I just found it easier to dump off, also because he’s dead.

Now when I hear the abuse excuse from those who have “passed it on” (link above) that makes me mad, you cross the line into offending deal with it and don’t expect anything from your victims.

Channelling anger into making yourself better seems to be working. I’m just not down with the Christian ideal for people outside my family, whether that changes or not, I’ll let you know.

By: April_optimist

April_optimist — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 11:22:20 +0000

Absolutely I agree that our responsibility is to ourselves and our safety and healing. I don’t much believe in telling an abuser I forgive them. It’s far too likely to make them think I’m saying what they did is okay with me. I do believe that ultimately it’s in our best interest to let go of rage/anger so that we can use that energy to do things that make us happy. At the same time, I believe we need to first honor our anger because it is saying–against all odds and against what we were told at the time–that what was done to us was wrong, what was done to us hurt and did profound damage and that our feelings do matter.

By: marj aka thriver

marj aka thriver — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 11:53:48 +0000

Thanks, Mike, for including this in the BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. This is a HUGE topic for survivors. Well done!

By: Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker

Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 10:52:40 +0000

Mike, thanks for sharing this book review and your views on forgiveness. I agree that the subject of forgiveness can be used to further abuse a survivor. I had the same kind of experience. I have written several articles on forgiveness on my blog because it has been such an issue for me.

By: ramone fisher

ramone fisher — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 19:06:19 +0000

hello,

my name is ramone and i was physically and also emotionally abused by my own mother because she hated me and also my own father and his family because of that he is a very influential part of life and she hates it

i have more scars both physical and also emotional from my own mother because she never knew how to be a parent

my mother hated the day that i started my first business and she still does

By: Enola

Enola — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 05:43:16 +0000

The only concept of forgiveness I’ve remotely been able to swallow was one propounded by my therapist (who has been to seminary). She says forgiveness means giving up the right to seek vengence – giving that over to God. She explained that it is NOT letting go of any right to seek the imposition of legal consequences. But it means not taking the act of revenge into your own hands. She pointed to David and how he prayed to God to deliver consequences and even death unto his enemies.

I’m not even there yet. If I found out my abuser hurt another child, I think I would struggle not to hurt him. But it’s the only concept I can remotely consider.

I might have to pick up this book sometime. thanks for sharing your post and the thoughtful dialogue.

By: lynn

lynn — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 00:56:15 +0000

I agree with you, Mike. How can you ‘forgive’ (and I don’t like this word because of all the varying definitions) someone who will not even acknowledge that you have been hurt? You are absolutely right when you say that you owe it to yourself to take care of yourself and you should be allowed to do that even if it means not ‘forgiving’. The thing I find sickening, is that when survivors are hurt, angry, in pain — people do not hesitate to declare their feelings wrong and to blame them by telling them to forgive or by subtly condemning anger, which is simply another emotion. I get so sick of seeing comments on blogs like, “forgive so you can heal”, “choose to be happy”, “let go”, etc. ad nauseum. What these people are really saying is “just get over it”. They don’t even know that they have been brainwashed by society and by their own abusers — just like when they were kids, and they are still responding to this early programming that demands certain attitudes. When was the last time you saw someone go to the abuser and tell THEM that they are wrong and should stop their feelings and consider others instead? When was the last time you heard of an abuser being confronted by their contemporaries and brow-beaten into ‘forgiving’ their children for just being children? When was the last time people ganged up on your parents and pressured them to change, forgive, discard themselves and just BE WRONG? Yeah. Me either. This treatment seems to be reserved for the victims.

Congratulations, Mike! You are a flippin’ genius and don’t you let anybody tell you different. Now you have seen the truth and no one take it away from you.

{{{{{{{{Mike}}}}}}}}

By: marj aka thriver

marj aka thriver — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 12:24:57 +0000

Thank you for this thoughtful post and dialogue. For me, “forgiveness” was a goal I set for myself…for myself! I saw it as a way to release some of the hate that was hurting me–eating me up inside. Anger, on the other hand, can still be a healthy part of healing for my recovery journey.

Would you be willing to continue this dialogue in the BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE? I think it would be great for that!