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I’m sure you’ve all seen similar stories, whether it be the abused wife who won’t leave, the disgruntled employee who never looks for another job, or the kid who gets bullied even into adulthood. I’ve always considered these situations to be a product of fear, afraid of what worse things might happen as opposed to the hell you know and live with. Lately, however, I’m beginning to wonder if there isn’t something deeper behind that fear, especially when it comes to survivors of child abuse. What I see when I dig into that fear motivation, is powerlessness.

Yes, there’s fear of the unknown in changing all of those situations I listed, and many more specific situations that I know we can all relate to, but a big part of that fear seems to come from not having any sense that we actually have the power to say no, or to remove ourselves from a situation. As children, of course, we were taught exactly that. All the while I was being abused as a child, I didn’t have the power to say no, or to remove myself. It was taken away from me, and even now, as an adult, I recognize that there are times I look at circumstances that I could change, but fall right back into feeling like I don’t have the power to do so.

Of course, the interest part of that, when I look at my own life, is that there are times when I have no problem saying no or making a change. I’m one of the first people to throw out the idea that if you don’t like something about your life, change it. Yet I recognize that there are areas where I avoid doing that, and I can tie those areas directly into my abuse history. For example, I easily do anything I can to avoid conflict, especially if the conflict involves a male who is older than me. (As I grow older that problem should take care of itself, right? *smirk*) I was abused by older males. To this day, almost of my good friends, and the ones I spend the most time with, are female. I’m comfortable with who my friends are, and don’t necessarily want that to change, but shrinking away from older men, especially men in a power role, isn’t something that’s always good for me, yet it’s something I can tie directly back into my past.

Another example is one that some of you may not want to read, since it involves sex, and sexual abuse, so if that’s going to trouble you, go ahead and stop reading. You’ve gotten the point.

As a sexual abuse victim, I look at some of these correlations between my past, and how I will respond as if I am powerless, even when I’m not, and I wonder if there aren’t some situations that I simply haven’t run in to yet. I’ve always said that, as a husband, I don’t make the decision to be faithful to my wife in the moment when another woman is throwing herself at me. I make it every single day, long before something like that ever happens. My reasoning has always been studies that show how humans, in the midst of sexual excitement, pretty much lose any ability to make good decisions. I didn’t really need a study to tell me that, but I’m glad they’re out there. As such, I don’t wander through life not even thinking about my commitment as a husband until I find myself in this situation, I make the decision to do everything I can to avoid finding myself there in the first place. Since I have mostly female friends and frequently spend time with them without my wife being present, that means I have to be somewhat selective. The friends I spend time with are all women who I know wouldn’t do something like that. They are all either happily married themselves, or just don’t have that type of “aggressive” personality, among other qualities.

Again, my decision to be faithful plays out in the every day choices I make about who I spend time with, and under what circumstances.

Now what does that have to do with my previous point? Maybe nothing, but maybe everything. As I said, I make these decisions to avoid a situation because I don’t want to have to deal with making a decision at that late point, and dealing with the uncomfortable consequences that result even from the correct decision, but I think part of me also makes those decisions because, deep down, I’m not so sure I wouldn’t revert to feeling like a powerless child in the midst of that. Simply put, as someone abused by older males I still have a great deal of difficulty recognizing the power to say no that I have when dealing with men, as someone abused in a sexually aggressive way, would sexual aggression leave me feeling the same way? I think it might, actually, though it’s difficult to know for sure. All examples of someone being sexually aggressive towards me as an adult that I can think of have occurred with women I was involved with, thus I haven’t really wanted to say no. (Or at least I haven’t wanted to say no that badly, but it is possible that I don’t think I can say no. I’m not usually analyzing my motivations at that point.)

Luckily, I’ve made it to this point in my life without being in a situation to really answer this question, and I’m hopeful that will remain the case. On the other hand, it does help me see why survivors I know who are otherwise strong, independent and powerful, find it so difficult to say no, or to make a change in specific areas of their lives. In that moment, they feel like small, powerless children again. But we aren’t and it’s important to remember that.

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http://www.letgoletpeacecomein.org/

I’m going to have to see what photo I might want to share, and think about what I want to say. Hopefully, I’ll find time to participate too!

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I’ve been reminded of that these past couple of weeks because my wife has been traveling as part of her job. Of all the things I miss when she’s gone, (and there are plenty!) it’s the lack of touching (giving and receiving) that I feel the most acutely. You see, as much as I love the things we do together, from talking, to going places, to laughing, etc. I can sort of replace those things with my friends. Not that it’s the same, but I can get enough conversation, laughs, social events, etc. to get by while my wife is gone just by scheduling time to go to lunch with coworkers, or have dinner with friends, or go to Byrne’s Pub like I mentioned last week so that I don’t wind up spending all the time she’s away wrapped up in my own head. (Not always the safest place for me to spend extended time!)

The one thing I can’t replace is the touching aspect. Oh, I can get a hug from a female friend or two, but that’s not much to get by on at the end of the day. There’s no one to simply hold my hand when I’m stressed, or to rub my arm when I’m feeling unsettled, etc. As a married man, that type of touching seems to really be the realm of my wife, and no one else. According to the studies I’ve seen, it’s exactly that type of touch that is the most powerful. It forms a human connection that seems to provide peace and security. It’s no wonder then, that I struggle with that when my wife is away. I’m prone to get out of sorts, and unfocused. I’ve found ways to combat that, but it’s a struggle, because normally when I feel that way, there’s someone there to reassure me with a touch.

No related posts.

Anyway, go check out all the good posts in this month’s carnival!

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I was reminded of that this weekend. I’m in the midst of trial prep at work, and as I’ve said on my other blog many times, trials are life-consuming events when you are getting ready to go, and during one. Even when you’re just there to setup equipment and run the presentation software, it takes a lot of time to get everything the way the attorney wants, and it’s always changing at the last minute. Hence the reason I was in the office both Saturday and Sunday.

In between, however, I took my own advice about getting away from things and having some fun. I met up with a friend to see an Irish band named the Prodigals at Byrne’s Pub here in town. Yeah, it meant there was a late night in the midst of all this work, but as nice as a long night’s sleep would have been, doing something fun for myself was more important.

I felt the same way when I was in therapy, and struggling through the most difficult times of my healing. Having some fun and laughing from time to time made a huge difference in being able to continue. I hope you’ll keep it in mind too.

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That indifference freed me to work only on my behalf, for my own purposes and goals, towards my own happiness. I don;t really spend much time thinking about those people, in fact, even when they are mentioned to me, I simply don’t care at all. I’ve got my own life to live.

How about you, does reaching that point of indifference change the way you go about healing?

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Anyway, this months edition didn’t see the same number of entries that recent editions have, probably owing to the weather getting a bit nicer and people spending a bit more time away from their computers I’d guess. However, don’t let the number fool you, there is, as always, some excellent stuff in here!

As you know, with this month being the month St. Patrick’s Day falls, and your host having quite a bit of Irish blood flowing in his veins, I wanted to focus on the way I view my Irish heritage. I’ve always considered the Irish to be a people that managed to live through their suffering by always looking forward, always willing to enjoy what they have to look forward to, and apply that to survivors. To me, having the ability to enjoy the little things in life, and having positive things to look forward to is a real key to healing, and I shared my own thoughts on the matter through the words of my grandmother in the post Family Wisdom.

Katie picked up on the theme and submitted an article she had actually written in Feb. (She was ahead of the game!) called What Makes you Happy?

Marj was also ahead of the game, submitting a post from July, 2009 entitled Helping Your Inner Child Help You along with this explanation:

I’m submitting this post for our “Surviving with Joy” theme because working with my inner child during my recovery has provided me with many little moments of joy.

Meanwhile, Issue Knitting also picked up on the theme and submitted Finding Joy, which literally made me smile as I read it!

Lastly, Paul took an interesting twist on my Irish Heritage theme, and talked about the Irish Famine Memorial in Boston, and how he relates to the struggle and the need to continue marching forward! How true, Paul!

Of course, each month the Carnival also gets plenty of great submissions in the regular categories, so please take a few moments to enjoy these as well!

Advocacy and Awareness:

Cornut32 added a post with a link to an article talking about protecting LDS church members from abuse, titled Sisters Speak: Teaching about Sexual Abuse. In it she shares the comment she made on the article about ways to teach church members about the topic. Good lessons for us all to keep in mind!

In the News:

Morrigan wrote back in Dec. about the ongoing scandals in the Catholic Church in Ireland sharing thoughts on what is going on there in Bad Apples or a Bad Barrel? Sexual Abuse and the Irish Catholic Church.

Poetry:

As far as Survivor Poetry goes this month, we had two folks send in some of their work. Robert shared a couple of haikus, every night freight trains and we turn.

Meanwhile, Rick Belden added One Day.

Survivor Stories:

Had a few folks submit stories, including at least one newcomer to the Carnival!

Growing Up Broken shared how far she has come in Looking Over your Shoulder. Good for you!

Achieving Peace sent in Surviving, Conquering and Forgiving -My Story

And, Ligeia, who learned about the Carnival recently over on the Survivors Network made her first entry into the wonderful community that has built up around this monthly carnival, What’s in a Name?

Healing and Therapy:

Saving the best, or at least most popular, category for last this month, we had a number of entries in the area of healing and therapy.

Dr. Kathleen Young contributed her thoughts in What’s Love got to Do with It? Self-love and Healing!

Patricia Singleton wrote something very similar to Dr. Young, almost creating a mini-theme for this month, in Loving Yourself First is Being Real. She also sent in a second post in this category, about Fear, which has some good information about learning to admit and acknowledge the things we fear.

Paul also added a second entry to this month’s Carnival in this category, Dissociative Identities and Healing, proving that there’s usually more than one good thing to be added to any Carnival, a note I will surely make to myself!

Lastly, but certainly not least, Mia sent in an educational article, about Color Therapy. Even though the blog isn’t a Survivor blog per se, I still found the 30 Things You Should Know about the Psychology of Color to be quite interesting, and you might too!

So that’s it! Just 18 entries this month, but all well worth taking a few moments to read! Thanks to everyone for the great writing they have submitted, and thanks to Marj for allowing me the honor to highlight just a small taste of the many great blogs written by and for curvivors out there! I hope you enjoy, and have found a new voice or two to read. I also hope that you will consider submitting your own articles for next month’s Carnival, and will continue to support this wonderful endeavor with your posts well in to the future!

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I had planned all of that, right up until this weekend.

This weekend, we went out of town to gather with family near and far, for my grandmother’s 90th birthday celebration. As you might imagine, my grandmother was asked her advice for living a long life, and something she said put this whole idea into a far greater perspective than I could ever hope to offer. Among telling us about how she always drinks tea, eats soup, and enjoys a little chocolate every day, my grandmother also added one more thing. “And, have a good time”.

I had to smile as I thought of all the things my grandmother has had to live through in her lifetime. The Depression, wars, illnesses,  the loss of a child and a husband, but also the many weddings, births, and other celebrations that have been part of our family through the years. She’s seen more and lived through more than I will ever know, and through all of it, she manages to still find time to enjoy life. Even at 90, she can still throw out one-liners with the rest of the family, always capable of giving everyone a good laugh. (If you know that side of my family, you know that getting a word in edgewise amidst the jokes and other commentary is no small feat, at any age! I can only assume we all get that from her!)

So, as I think back to my plans to write about how important it is to have something joyful to look forward to as part of our healing, no matter how small it may be, I can’t think of a better way to explain it than to share with you the wisdom of my grandmother. Overcoming an abusive childhood is difficult, healing is hard, hard work, full of pain and anguish. If, in the midst of all of that, you can still find a way to have a good time, you are on your way to a great life, no matter how unrealistic that may seem at the moment. Keep at it, and keep enjoying what you can!

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Historically, Ireland has been a country of misery, and the Irish people have suffered oppression, famine, civil war, poverty and pretty much every kind of bad thing that can happen to people. Yet, through it all, they maintain a sense of humor and know how to have a good time! Listen to traditional Irish music, for example. The lyrics speak of a miserable existence, yet the music is upbeat, and full of rollicking fun!

I’ve always thought, as a survivor, that healing requires a little bit of that. In the midst of my worst days of trying to cope, I found that having those little moments of joy to look forward to, made it just a little bit easier. To this day, I know the quickest way to find some joy and happiness, despite whatever might be going on, is to have things I enjoy, and to be able to look forward to enjoying them!

So, as part of this month’s carnival, I’d like to add one more category to the regular categories. I want to hear about how, as a survivor, you’ve managed to find the joy in life and have a good time! We’ll call it the “Life is Grand” category, and I’ll be posting something more about why I chose that.

Of course, we will also take any and all submissions in the normal categories: Advocacy and Awareness, Aftermath, Art Therapy, Healing and Therapy, In the News, Poetry and Survivor Stories.

I’ll be publishing the carnival on Friday, March 26. (I would post it closer to St. Patrick’s Day, but that weekend is my grandmother’s 90th birthday, and I’ll be out of town celebrating that, speaking of things to look forward to enjoying!) That means, that if you want to be included in this month’s edition, you’ve got to get your submission in before the 24th at midnight EST.

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