When I looked at this article on-line today I thought, wow, there are some really good ideas here for folks struggling with self-esteem issues, which is pretty much every one isn’t it? Let alone survivors!
Anyway, here are 22 tips for maintaining high self-esteem. Do you have any other tips?
Seen via a link on Dumb Little Man.
Saw this interesting article called Are you Fighting Yourself? today via a link on Lifehacker. I found it interesting on two levels personally. One, when I was in the midst of depression, I saw this in myself all the time. I seemed to almost take pride in my misery, and not do anything to get out of it. I really had to learn how to be more positive and forward-thinking in order to get out of that.
The other reason it’s interesting is that I’ve begun to see this sort of behavior in a couple of close friends, and it has me somewhat disturbed. Since I now spend all day coming at problems from a tech support perspective, I actually had a conversation the other day with someone who was making these sorts of complaints where I said “If what you’re doing now isn’t working, it’s time to do something different.” Technically, that’s very easy to see. If you’re trying to do something with a PC, and it’s not doing what you think it should be doing, you don’t sit there and keep pressing the mouse button in the hopes that this time it will. You try something different, you call in help, etc.
That seems so simple, and in truth it really is, but it can be a very difficult truth to see when you don’t believe in yourself, and when you don’t have hope for your life. So if you’re having trouble doing something different because you have this fear of change, take some time and start to believe in yourself, and your future. Making changes will be easier when you do.
One of the causes of depression can be a either an unhealthy amount of, or an inability to cope with, stress. So, naturally when I spotted a post on LifeHacker about reducing stress, I had to click over through to the full article on 52 ways to reduce stress. There are some very good ideas here to help reduce stress, which is the best way to learn to cope with it!
In thinking about depression the last few days it occurs to me that so much of the battle to overcome it is simply about looking forward instead of back. I think this is obviously the case in depression caused by an abusive childhood, or any other kind of trauma, but I think it’s also true in cases where it’s not clearly related. Depression is all about losing the ability to enjoy life, and there’s nothing more enjoyable about life than the anticipation of an upcoming event.
It seems to me the more people I meet who have suffered from depression at some point the more I can tell a difference between those that are looking forward, and those that haven’t found that yet. The one’s who are looking forward have accepted that they have to live with this disease, in some form or other, and are looking forward to what they can do with their lives now that they’ve learned that. The other group is still mourning what they’ve “lost” because of their depression.
The thing is, when you are suffering from depression, it’s simply too difficult to look ahead to anything. You don’t get any enjoyment from what you’re doing now, why should tomorrow be any different? Yet at the same time, we all, for some reason, spend time regretting that our depression is going to make use change the life we’re currently miserable in. I spent a long time mourning my first marriage when it was over, even though I was completely unhappy in it. It was only after I came to terms with the fact that being healthy was more important than not being single, was more important than any friendship I might lose because of my decisions, and would always be more important than anything else that might come along in my life, that I could then look forward. It was only after I was willing to make decisions that were healthy for me, regardless of what change that brought about in my circumstances, that my focus changed. Instead of looking back at what my life used to be, I began to look forward to the next healthy decision, no matter how small it was.
Instead of spending my time concerned with what had been, I spent my time finding things I could enjoy, and look forward to. Things as simple as watching a ball game on TV, or a trip to the library, or buying an ice cream. Choosing to do these things simply because I enjoyed them gave me a freedom I didn’t have before. It gave me a sense of responsibility for my own happiness, and my own health. It made me focus my attention to the future. To the next activity I would enjoy doing, to the next day, the next week. As I focused on the next day, I became curious about what events would occur in the future that I couldn’t plan, people I would meet, things I would learn, sights I would see. The more I allowed myself to focus on that, the less my depression had a hold on me. I was no longer stuck in my own misery, I was learning to anticipate what life had to offer, and what each day might bring.
I still have lost certain things. I have to spend more time watching myself for signs of slipping back into depression than other people do, I have to be careful about negativity and about expressing emotions in healthy ways more than other people do. Because of my past severe depression and dissociation I have to keep a close eye on things like my mental focus, how much I sleep, how much I eat, etc. to make sure I don’t slip into a bad spell like that again. Most people don’t have to do that, and I guess I could spend my time being angry about that, but who would I be hurting with that anger? I find it’s much healthier to accept that as part of my life, and continue to look forward to what my life can be, instead of looking back to what it’s not.
One of the “suggested topics” Lisa has for this month’s carnival against child abuse is “What inspires you to heal?”. I found that an interesting topic, not so much because I think there’s any great inspiring thing out there, but because really the answer for me was a simple one.
I hit rock bottom in terms of depression, making unhealthy choices, and needing to do something to change things at around the age of 28. And when I say rock-bottom, I mean rock-bottom as in homeless, being found passed out (ill, not drunk) in an alley way, spending nine days in a hospital and having to be released into my mother’s custody, because the psych ward wouldn’t let the hospital release me to my own care. After your mother has to travel 1000 miles to get you at that age, and a stranger has to bathe you because you haven’t the strength to do it yourself, there’s really not much lower you can go, dignity-wise.
So, after hitting that point, I really saw a choice. Not to get all Hollywood on you, but it was a “get busy living, or get busy dying” moment for me, and since I had already failed at trying to commit suicide, I figured living was probably the way to go. The thing was, I was 28! Chances are, I was going to live for a long time from that point on, and I realized for maybe the first time ever, just how long life can be.
What I mean is, while I absolutely condone the idea that life is short and you should enjoy it while you can, in this respect it is also very long. It’s one thing to have spent the first 28 years of my life being affected by my childhood and the depression, it’s quite another to spend your whole life like that. Simply put, I wanted to heal because 60, 70, or 80 years is a LONG time to live like this. I didn’t want the next 40 years of my life to be like the first 30. I wanted something better. I wasted those 30 years because of what other people did to me as a child, but I wasn’t a child any more, and whatever I was going to do from that point on was up to me. It wasn’t up to someone to “make it up to me”, or to rescue me from my childhood, it was up to me to heal, to build a life for myself, and to find enjoyment from whatever life that was to be.
It was time to “get busy living” and see what happened with the rest of my time. Fact is, once I decided on that path, my own natural curiosity to see how it turns out would keep me going, and using that to keep looking ahead has helped keep me continue healing. It’s hard to get suicidal when you’re always wondering what tomorrow will bring. 
One thing that’s been on my mind lately is the concept of self-esteem and how other people can affect it. Granted, the ultimate goal in our journey would be to have a healthy enough level of self-esteem that we can forge ahead even when other people are doing things that cause us to question ourselves, but let’s face it, for most of us dealing with childhood abuse issues, that goal is still in the future.
The question for me is, what people are having a negative impact on my self-esteem and how to deal with that. If someone is actually trying to make me self-conscious or to doubt myself, the healthy thing to do is find a way to not have to interact with that person anymore. But sometimes people just manage to find small ways to do the same thing without actually trying to. It’s not so obvious to me whether the healthy thing to do is try to not interact with them, or simply learn to not allow those little comments, or acts to have that much of an affect on me.
It’s a tough call. Growth comes through dealing with different people and different situations. If the goal is to learn how to not allow other people to shake your belief in yourself, then you need to be exposed to some situations where people make you uncomfortable. On the other hand, too much of that can cause a crushing loss of self-esteem that would be highly unhealthy, and dangerous.
I read with great interest Marj’s post about feeling grief as opposed to dissociating. One, because I also was diagnosed with one of those “other” dissociative disorders, with fugue being the “major” symptom. But secondly, because my history of dissociating has been a concern of mine recently. I’m due to have some minor surgery in a couple of days, and while I know with full certainty that it’s a very simple procedure and there shouldn’t be any problems, I still have some fear and anxiety about it, mostly because I’m unsure of exactly how I will react to the situation!
The surgery is a minor procedure, truth be told I’m having a vasectomy, making our decision to not have children a permanent one. Not a major deal, but then again, as a survivor of sexual abuse, simply by virtue of the location of the procedure, it stands to be somewhat emotionally traumatic for me. Perhaps I will write about both the procedure and my difficulty with it in more detail over the weekend, after it’s over.
Unfortunately, when faced with this anxiety I have noticed myself dissociating ever so slightly. That’s not good. That’s not the healthy way to deal with this, but it is still my natural inclination. I still react to the stress the same way I always dealt with my depression, having the desire to either sleep, or just not be present in some way, until it’s all over. I’m afraid that in a small, but significant way, I haven’t been here lately while I wait for this to be over.
Which just goes to show, even after all this time some behaviors are very tough to unlearn.
I’ve talked a bit here about how much depression, especially the dissociative disorder I suffered from, is similar to alcohol or drug abuse. No, obviously there are big differences but both are the result of self-destructive behavior and act as a coping mechanism. My response to pain, suffering, stress, etc. was to dissociate, turn the depression into a barrier between reality, and my own physche. Alcoholics or drug users, drink or use as a response to pain, stress, etc.
One area that I’ve been thinking about the similarities are after the initial diagnosis and treatment. When you enter rehab or a 12 step program and stop using, you’ve taken a giant leap forward, no doubt, but you’re not done. When you enter therapy and maybe get put on anti-depressants, you’ve taken a giant step forward, but you’re not done either. There’s a pretty common misconception that all a user has to do is stop using to have a normal life, much like there’s a misconception that someone with depression and dissociation only has to get the right medication and then they’ll be fine, but it’s not true.
Remember, the using and the depression both are a reaction to pain and suffering. Until you learn how to handle pain in healthy ways, you are not really better. For myself, I had to spend much of my late twenties into my early thirties learning how to be an adult. How to make healthy decisions, how to cope with painful situations, how to handle the stresses of adult life. I had spent my childhood dissociating in order to deal with the pain and stress of an abusive childhood. Being medicated helped keep me from completely getting lost in my dissociation, but it didn’t teach me how to do something else to handle pain and suffering. That took a long time and a lot of work. over coming addiction isn’t only about not using, it’s also about learning what else you can do when you are in painful or stressful situations. That takes time, and it takes work. Overcoming addiction, depression, and various other “issues” is about so much more than just stopping one unhealthy behavior, it’s about growing up and learning to live in a healthier way. Give yourself the time to learn how to do that.
I had reserved a copy of James Frey’s Million Little Pieces a while ago at the local library on the recommendation of a friend. This friend and I have recently had shared the experience of a mutual frined of our going into rehab and she said that it really helped her understand what was going on. It does do that, but the other thing it did for me was bring back some rather painful memories. No, I was never an addict in the same sense that James is, I can’t allow myself to be out of control enough to get drunk or get high. If anything, I’ve been more of a control addict since suffering the abuse.
But, there’s a lot in common between addiction and depression, and I saw that in this story. The self-destructive behavior and the suicide attempts. The inability to form normal relationships, using people, lying, being manipulative, etc. Instead of covering up drug or alcohol abuse, I was covering up my own sickness, my disgust with everything I did and everything I was.
Yes, I think it’s fair to say that I suffered from a form of self-abuse just as much as an addict does. I just chose to hurt myself in different ways. Reading this book gave me both a deeper understand of what my friend has been going through, but it also helped me understand myself a little bit better too, and maybe more importantly, it served as a vivd reminder of why I want to make sure I do everything I can to stay healthy.
I was chatting with someone the other day about this issue. In came up in regards to someone they know is who dealing with an overwhelming change in their life. The constant worry and fear of what’s going to happen has overwhelmed them to the point where they don’t eat, sleep or do much of anything. It sounded so familiar and the answer seems so obvious, but it can be one of the hardest things to learn to do.
Of course, the answer is similar to the way you handle a huge project at work. You work on, and worry about, one piece at a time. You don’t finish all the various parts of a project at once, you work on part, finish it, work on another part, etc. Yet, when it comes to our personal lives, this is exactly what we try to do.
News and Reviews