Child Abuse Survivor

This is not going to be one of my nicer posts, and some of you may get your feelings hurt, but it’s something that I see quite frequently in the survivor, and child advocate, communities that I have a real problem with.

Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that phrases like these are a way to draw attention to the very significant problem that child abuse, specifically sexual abuse, is. I’m sure that most of the people who make this claim are well-intentioned, seeking only to describe just how devastating it can be for a child to be sexually assaulted, but I would also like these folks to think a little bit more about what they say.

What’s the claim that I’m talking about? There are some slightly different connotations, but the gist of it is that child sexual abuse is a crime worse than even murder because of the damage it does to a child that lasts long into adulthood, possibly even affecting the next generation.

Here’s my problem with it. Murder is murder. If you kill someone, they are not going to recover from that. They will never experience joy, give of themselves, raise a child, or experience any of the millions of other positive things that life can bring. They are dead, their life is over. That’s all she wrote!

When we spend a lot of time talking about how child sexual abuse is even worse, what message are we sending survivors?  That they are damaged beyond all hope of repair, or that what happened to them would be less damaging if they had been murdered instead of surviving? That their lives are going to be so full of pain and despair that they would, in fact, be better off dead? That the world, including the very community that offers support to them, will always think of them as damaged, as “worse off than murder victims”? What kind of hope does that offer survivors?

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse myself, I refuse to send that message to any survivor. Every single one of you have the strength, the courage and the ability to overcome what happened, and should never give up hope. The sexual abuse of children is a horrific crime, and can do a great deal of damage to the childhood of it’s victims, but so long as we survive, and continue to breath, there is hope that our futures will be brighter than our pasts. Isn’t that the message we really want survivors to hear?

I saw this quote from Robert Frost the other day and I thought that it was one of the one-liners that really explains exactly how the healing and recovery process continues, even when it doesn’t appear to be.

In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.

I couldn’t have seen it better myself. No matter how much today may seem to be a struggle, life will continue and tomorrow will be another day. It may be easy to get caught on the rollercoaster of struggling and healing, and struggling again, but if you can keep the big picture in mind during all of that, you’ll realize that while all of that is going on in your days, life just keeps going, and will continue to keep going, no matter what your day is like.

There’s so much hope in that, knowing that life will continue to go on, with all the changes, joys, sadness, and everything else that goes along with it. I hope you can see that as well.

One of the things I frequently hear from survivors when they are struggling in an area of their healing is “I’ve been at this for ‘x’ years, shouldn’t I be past this?”, or other similar sentiments. Or, sometimes they will talk about how things with their healing were going along nicely, and for the last month, or more, it just seems to have hit a wall and everything is a struggle and they are feeling overwhelmed.

At these times, I find it important to point out that healing journeys are rarely ever a straight line. Not only are all of our paths to healing different from one another, but they tend to work in fits and starts, more than in a straight line of progress.

When I think about my own healing, I can clearly see the times where there was a great amount of progress in very little time, and also those times where progress seemed to be always out of reach, and even the times where there was regression instead of progress. We’re complicated creatures, and dealing with childhood abuse is a long process. For every sudden realization that changes our perspective almost overnight, there are just as many day in and day out struggles to simply cope with the information we are processing. I spent a few years in and out of therapy, on and off medication, working and seeing progress, then suddenly giving up, only to wind up back in the same place until the one session where a concept suddenly clicked for me, and healing seemed to come almost overnight.

Granted it wasn’t really overnight, it took many long months after that to start to build an adult life for myself, and it took years of work and struggle to even reach that point, but the progress I was making sped up dramatically after the day I finally saw myself as a capable, responsible adult instead of a victim. That progress wouldn’t have come, and couldn’t possibly have been that quick, without all the other struggle that came before it. That slow time, and all of those times where I didn’t think I was ever going to get anywhere, were part of my process. The very same process that changed my outlook and my life within a short year or so. I couldn’t have had one without the other, and all of you fellow survivors, are on a similar journey. You’ll have times of great progress in a short amount of time, and times of great struggle that can last for a very long time. That’s pretty typical, actually.

It’s not a race, and the pace will change as your life, and your health dictates. The important thing is that you follow the advice of Winston Churchill. “When you’re going through hell, keep going!”

Keep working, no matter how slow the progress is, it’s better than giving up.

I was thinking earlier this week about why many victims of child abuse, or domestic violence, continue to believe they deserved what happened to them. One of the themes I very often see is actually immaturity. The reason I say that is, immature people see themselves as the center of everything that happens, mature people understand their true place in the universe, and understand that other people make their own decisions, and are responsible for their own decisions.

Think of it this way, many little children blame themselves for parents divorcing, or other things that go wrong within the family, mistakenly believing that if they had just been better, things wouldn’t have happened this way. When they grow up, they realize that what their parent’s decided to do had nothing to do with them at all, they make their own decisions. Too many survivors continue with this belief, well past the physical age of maturity. They continue to believe that all the bad things that other people do are somehow a result of them not being good enough to stop it, or some sort of punishment for their own sins.

That couldn’t be more wrong headed. It’s time for all of us to grow up a little here and recognize that life is bigger than any one of us, and that people are only responsible for their own individual decisions. When another human being makes a decision to act, that’s exactly what it is, their own decision. Just because another person chooses to do harmful, destructive things, doesn’t mean you have the power to change it, or that you caused that decision. It is their decision, and their responsibility. Do the mature thing, and understand that not everything is a statement about you.

We all know that, as survivors and just about anyone else, the holidays can be fraught with all sorts of bad memories, awkward time spent with family, depression, and mourning for the family we never had. I’ve seen a number of folks listing tips for surviving the holidays, and I absolutely encourage all of you to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourselves during this time, and always.

In light of that, I thought I’d share something that has helped me. I can sum up the attitude in a sentence I spoke to my wife last night regarding something outside the scope of this, but somewhat relevant too.

“You take care of the people who take care of you.”

What that means to me, is that I spend a lot of time during December trying to fine small gifts, tokens, or other things I can do that will brighten the days for the people I most care about. Instead of dreading all of the things there are to dread about the holidays, or spending my time hoping for things that I’ll probably end up being disappointed about, I try very hard to concern myself with showing appreciation to the people who deserve it. I make sure and spend time with my wife, and allow her to enjoy all the things about the holidays that she always has enjoyed. I spend time going  through the holiday cards my wife designs for us each year and figure out which one each of the people on my list would appreciate the most. I make time to have lunch with friends I need to catch up with. I buy small gifts for friends, not so much for the gift itself, but to show them that they’re important to me, and that in the midst of holiday craziness I thought about them for a few minutes.

Usually, by the time I’ve done all these things, like now as we close in on Christmas day, I’ve been so rewarded by the smiles, hugs, and appreciation of the people who are really important to me, that the rest is easy. I know where my support is, I know who’s important to me, and whatever comes from the next week or two is nothing compared to the strength I have within myself, and gather from the awesome people in my life, even those of you who I only know online.

I saw this advice about what to say to someone who’s currently unemployed on the Manager Tools blog this week, and it reminded me very much of how I felt after I had a fugue episode and was in therapy and on medication.

Paul went on to say that since he left his job, it’s the only thing many people talk about with him. He wants to have a conversation about football, wine or cigars, and it seems that no-one can get past the fact he has lost his job. So if you do know someone who is in a similar position, feel free to discuss last nights X-Factor, the basketball scores or your vacation. He’s still human and still wants to connect with you.

People had a hard time just being around me, feeling like they were supposed to say something, when all I really wanted was for them to talk to me the same way they did before this happened. If I needed to talk about what was going on, how therapy was going, what the issues were, etc., there were people I could do that with. I didn’t need, or want, everyone to do that. I just wanted someone I could watch a game with, or shoot a few hoops with and get away from the therapy work. I was already spending lots of time and energy on that. I needed my friends to simple be there and continue to be my friends like they were before.

Unfortunately, very few people could do that.

Tamara left me a comment on Facebook today that made me think. As you may or may not know, I’ve been doing a bit of traveling, and will continue to in the next couple of weeks, both as part of my work, and for some vacation. She noted that for her it would be difficult to be away from home, away from her “grounding” spot that much.

I can certainly understand that, but for me it’s different. I need the ability to explore from time to time in order to get out of my own head and see the larger world around me. Traveling is a great way to do that, though it certainly isn’t the only way. There are plenty of other ways to get outside my own head without leaving town as well.

It does go to show, though, that there’s no “right” way to heal. We’re all individuals, we’ve all lived through different forms of abuse, and the things we need to do to heal ourselves will also be different. There’s no fool proof formula to overcoming abuse, we all have to find the right ways to do what we need to do for ourselves. That can be a struggle at times, but it’s what makes all of us special, we’re all unique and worth the effort!

Last night, instead of relaxing and spending a quiet evening watching the latest episode of Ken Burns documentary on America’s National Parks, I sat by the TV with my laptop reading about the people defending Roman Polanski, and getting very angry that anyone would try and defend someone who raped a 13 year old girl.

And my outrage, justified as it is, did no one any good.

I broke one of my own rules about staying mentally healthy. I let my life be affected by something I have no power over. So, i vowed to keep an eye on the news stories, and to try my best to not support anyone who is making excuses for him, or arguing that he shouldn’t have to face justice for what he did all those years ago, but I’m not going to waste my time arguing with people who want to go online and support his freedom. After all, anyone who could possibly dismiss the rape of a 13 year old girl isn’t really worth my time and effort, and isn’t going to suddenly see the error of their ways because of something I say.

So, I’ll keep my outrage and I’ll stay aware so that if there is anything I can do, I’ll be at the ready, but then I’ll go back to living my life. I can’t decide whether Roman Polanski will be extradited to face the State of California, but I can continue to do the work I do for survivors, and continue to live my life the best way I know how. That’s the road to mental health, not the one that focuses on my anger and outrage.

It’s troubling that so many are willing to ignore what he did to that girl all those years ago, but as survivors, are we really surprised? Haven’t we all seen example after example of people who want to do the same to our own pasts? How many people would like us to be quiet and just “get over it”. How may don’t want to believe that someone they know could do this? How many simply don’t believe you? Those people aren’t part of our healing, they should simply be left behind in their own ignorance. We’ve got more important work to do than argue with them.

I was reminded of this last week, and this month’s Carnival Against Child Abuse focus on relationships had me thinking even more about it. I think, as survivors, we have a tendency to want to hold on to the people we consider friends, for fear that we’ll be abandoned yet again, or be alone, etc.

It’s a fear most people have, but it seems particularly acute among the survivors I’ve known in my life. On the other hand, as I’ve gotten older, I also realize that it’s somewhat ridiculous. People change, and not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime. Sure, there are some that do, and if you happen to have a friend that remains close to you for years and years, you should cherish that. But most of them will come and go, swept in by the coincidence of time, place and interest, and swept out as any of those things change.

As I said, I was reminded of this last week, when an old friend of mine was in town and, with the help of his brother who lives here, managed to organize a sort of reunion of folks. Many in the group had graduated High School within a few years of each other, and in most cases, many were people I hadn’t really seen in years. It was great to see them, swap old stories, and get caught up on each others current lives. Then, after a few hours, I also remembered why it is that I don’t see these people more often. It’s not because of anything negative. They don’t annoy me, nor do I find them offensive in some way. I don’t at all, though I imagine there are some old acquaintances where that might be true.

No, these are perfectly good people, who don’t really have any common interests or day to day shared experiences with me any more. Yes, it was great to see them, and perhaps through the use of Facebook or other online communication tools we’ll do a better job of staying in touch, but we’ve all just sort of moved on with our lives. Some have physically moved away, some have focused their energy on raising their kids, others on being involved with a church, or their career, etc. For everyone in that room, I’m betting there’s a different reason why they’ve drifted away from many of the other folks who were there. It happens, and it’s not a bad thing. We make connections and form relationships with people as we go through our experiences with them. Sometimes, in order to go through life’s experiences, and share them with a new group of people who are going through them with us, we have to leave behind the people who aren’t sharing them with us. For example, couples who are raising their kids, gravitate toward other parents. They need to form relationships and support systems with the people who are sharing this experience with them. I’m not a parent. I’m not living the same lifestyle as someone who is. That doesn’t mean I can’t be friends with anyone who has children, but it’s one area of life where I can’t really relate. Some of the people I know, are going to leave me behind as they seek out relationships with other parents. Similarly, as I continue my work supporting abuse survivors, or building my career, I’m connecting with people who are doing the same things. Naturally, that means that I’m going to drift away from some friends who are not moving in that same direction.

It doesn’t mean I don’t like them, or I am somehow abandoning them. It simply means that my energy is being used elsewhere at this time. All relationships require work, and we don’t have an unlimited supply of energy to put into that work. We have to pick and choose where we will invest our energy, and since life is full of change, the people we will share it with on a regular basis will change right along with it. Some relationships will go on and on, others will come and go. It’s all part of living life.

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to be part of a presentation talking about using various Social Networking sites and how to benefit from them. One of the examples I gave of how things could go badly, is if you don’t make decisions ahead of time about what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it. For example, when I first started writing about being a survivor, I decided to use my real name, and link it from my other site, which made it easy for folks to know who I am. I felt like it was important for me to be able to say “This is me, and I’m also a child abuse survivor”.

On the other hand, I wasn’t prepared for everything that would mean. The first time someone I worked with found the site, and stopped by my office to talk ask about it, I was pretty freaked out. I simply hadn’t ever thought that I’d be having s discussion at work about being a survivor. In hindsight, I have no idea why I didn’t expect that even people I work with would find out about it, but it was a lesson learned.

If you’re going to start a blog, or even a Twitter account or Facebook page and openly talk about being a survivor, think about all the different people who are going to see that, and know that about you, and decide now whether you’re ok with that. In fact, think about who’s going to read it and whether you’re ok with that before you publish anything, let alone about being a survivor. If you’re not prepared for people you work with, or see in your offline life to see some things about you, don’t share them. Same thing in reverse, if there are things you don’t want random people who “know” you online to know about parts of your life, don’t share them.

As much as I share quite a bit compared to most people, there are things I keep private. I make constant decisions about what I want to write, and what I want to keep to myself. I also take great care to keep other people’s lives private and only share ideas in a general sense, or details that I’ve been given permission to write about. Hypothetically, if I’m having lunch with a friend or coworker and we talk about this site, and they share details of their own lives, I’m sure as heck not going to blog about how I had lunch with a fellow survivor today. Even though I didn’t name the person, there’d be enough details for people who know me to put it together. I have to be aware of things like that, and think about all of these things before I publish. That’s exactly the sort of thing that survivors later regret posting and cause all sorts of drama that we don’t need!

Sharing the details of your own abuse, and being a survivor, is intensely personal. For the folks who do this, anonymously or not, it’s a great way to help other survivors get a sense of community and support. Just make sure you’re up to whatever happens due to publicly sharing that part of yourself. There’s no reason to do more damage to your own healing just to get your story out. Do it when it’s safe for you to do, and even then, make constant decisions about what is safe for you, and what might not be.