Child Abuse Survivor

Recently, I blogged over on my other page about the problem when everyone follows the same exact travel advice, and how what might work for one person, kind of falls apart when everyone does it.

That really doesn’t have much to do with survivors, at least I didn’t think so. That was until I read something over at Seth Godin’s blog about loneliness that got me thinking.

The minute we realize that the person sitting next to us needs us (and our tribe, our forward motion and the value we create), we’re able to extinguish their aloneness as well as ours.

This struck me as something that absolutely is a problem in the survivor community as a whole. Survivors typically do not reach out. It’s the very opposite of what we’ve been groomed to do, and it’s one of the most fearful things to attempt for anyone with that sort of background. So, we tend to take the safe approach and wait for others to reach out to us. This is our own little, highly efficient, defense mechanism in that it serves two purposes. One, it keeps us from ever worrying about rejection, and it forces people who might want to help us to jump through a few hoops first, to prove that they really do care.

This is a fine example of behavior that might make sense to us as individuals, but what happens when everyone engages in this same behavior? How do you find fellow survivors to build a support system, or a sense of community with, when everyone who might be part of that community is waiting for someone else to reach out?

Eventually someone has to take a small chance and open up about being a survivor and be willing to share their story. If you feel like there’s no one around you who understands, maybe you can be the one to break the stalemate of everyone doing the same thing, and simply share your story. Nothing more. Just share the truth about yourself. I think you’ll be surprised how many people around you are dealing with the same things, in one way or another, and just don’t know who to talk to about it.

Just make sure that you’re taking care of yourself, and have the strength to tell your story with no expectations on what kind of response you get. You’re not sharing to manipulate people into supporting you, you’re sharing just to share and find others who might need support. That’s the kind of sharing that leads to truly supportive communities.

Recently, I had occasion to speak to two friends, on the same day. The conversations couldn’t have been any more different. One friend was celebrating some good news, while the other was struggling under the weight of health issues and needing someone to simply listen and sympathize with them. As someone who cares about both of these people, I was glad to have both conversations but it served as an important reminder about friendships.

Survivors, and others, often find themselves complaining about the lack of friends around us, or the drama that the friends we do have bring into our own lives, without understanding both the nature and limits of friendship. The fact of the matter is, as much fun as it was to laugh and celebrate a good moment with a friend, it’s just as important, if not more important, to be there for the bad ones too. Friends don’t get to pick and choose which moments they get to take part in. Well, at least if you expect to remain friends. Too often I see people complain about no one being willing to sit through their bad moments, when they have never done the same for any of their friends. It’s a sad fact that survivors often get so caught up in our own pain and healing that we forget other people have struggles too. When a friend is going through a hard time, and you see that as a chance to remind them how much worse you have it than they do, don’t be surprised if they don’t want you around during their bad, or good, moments any more. Would you want someone incapable of seeing past their own situation to share those moments with you? I wouldn’t. Ultimately, your ability to be there for others, in healthy ways, will increase the likelihood that others will be there for you.

It’s the healthy part that I think survivors struggle with. I’ve said it before, and I’ll continue to say it over and over, child abuse survivors rarely learn how to be adults, and how to function in relation to other adults, until much later in life. That’s not an excuse, or at least it shouldn’t be. There is also no reason that survivors cannot learn to be adults and have adult relationships with other people. But, as a survivor, do not confuse the way you have related to other people from childhood on as normal and healthy. Most likely, it is not.

If you find other people’s ups and downs to be too much for you, you are not acting like a healthy adult. Healthy adults have boundaries. Not just in how they expect others to behave toward them, but in how much they allow other people’s lives to impact them. When I talked to one friend about her good news, I was honestly happy and excited for her. I was very hopeful that this news would help with some of the things she had been struggling with. Later, when I reached out to a friend who I knew was having a hard time, I was honestly concerned and pained by knowing that someone I care for is hurting. I am still both happy for one friend and sad for another. I am also living my own life and taking care of the things I need to take care of, regardless of how I may be feeling toward these two friends. That is what adults do. They are not derailed from their own life because they have a friend who is struggling. They care, and they do what they can for their friends, and then they go right back to living their own life. Because, ultimately, making yourself miserable in the course of empathizing with a friend is not helpful to anyone. You must have boundaries. You must have the inner strength, and the proper sense of self, to be your own person regardless of whatever drama may be going on in the lives of those around you.

People without a proper sense of self are the ones who find themselves constantly being dragged into other people’s lives in ways that are not healthy for anyone. Without that sense of self, they are left to find self-worth in how other people see them, and are open to being mistreated in a variety of ways. Some of those are on purpose, others are simply a result of being involved with other people without a proper sense of themselves. This results in all kinds of life drama, because no one has the inner strength to simply walk away and go live their own life. Unfortunately, most child abuse survivors do not grow up with a sense of themselves, and are used to seeing themselves only through the eyes of those who’ve abused them. That leaves us open to being overly involved in other people’s messes.

The good news is that it’s not too late to learn how to have a normal, adult, sense of yourself. It just takes some time and the willingness to learn. Surely that beats the alternative, no?

You may have noticed things have been a little quiet around here. I’ve been pretty busy with work, which is taking me away from my normal blogging patterns. Given how much travel I’m going to be doing as part of my job, it’s becoming more and more obvious that I’ll need to find some way to keep writing while I’m traveling.

On the other hand, work is becoming more of an adventure every day, and there’s part of me that is simply enjoying that fact. Last week, I was in Norway, for example. I wish I would have had some more time to explore Oslo while I was there, but I did need to work, and frankly, even the little bit of exploring I was able to do was a chance to see more of Norway than I expected to see in my lifetime.

So, as much as the trip wore me out, and even had me come home with a cold, and as much as it’s been difficult to find my focus on the blog in the midst of all this, I wouldn’t trade it. I spent so much of my early adult years being afraid to try new things, struggling to stay “safe” from the things I had to deal with as a child, that now that I’ve finally started to realize that I am capable of keeping myself safe, and can navigate the world successfully as an adult, I don’t want to turn down opportunities to have an adventure. I feel like it’s almost my way of thumbing my nose at the abuse. That doing something new, interesting, and yes a little scary, is my way of reclaiming my life from abuse.

Whatever your adventure is, I hope that you are able to take it, with the knowledge that as a survivor, you’ve already accomplished so very much, and have the ability to accomplish much, much more.

Today, as we were walking around Savannah, my wife and I came across a lovely Presbyterian Church and noticed that they had a sign out about a Compline service that evening starting at 9:00PM. It sounded pretty interesting, and as we are always on the lookout for new and interesting things when we are traveling, she decided we were going to try and check it out.

Now, as many of you know, I don’t talk much about religion one way or another on this site. I have my own beliefs, and generally keep them to myself here, because I truly believe this site is for survivors, whoever they are, and whether they choose to put their faith in.

Now I don’t want to talk much about the service, or the faith that is on display at the service, but as we were sitting in the candlelit church, listening to the choir, it did occur to me that, no matter your feelings about God and religion, surely this was a good idea. To take time out, and the end of your day’s labor, when the stillness of the night time is coming over you, and before you set off into a new week. Time to be reflective, to meditate on the passing of the previous week, to give thanks for getting through that week, and to gird yourself for the coming week. What better way for survivors to track their progress, and be mindful of the journey of healing we are on, that to have our own version of Compline each week, where we contemplate where we are, where we have come from, and where we are going? Most of all, to simply take some time to look back on the healing we’ve already had, and the struggles we are having, with a larger perspective, that of the whole journey, and the progress being made, as opposed to whatever is happening right at that moment.

I am very mindful of the fact that it is easy, so, so easy, to get caught up in today, and forget that healing is a journey, with no set timeline. Wouldn’t it help to set aside some time to contemplate the progress that you’ve made to this point, and be thankful for the fact that you are still here, which gives you hope for the future? Personally, I think it would do us all a lot of good.

One of the common statements I hear from survivors who are losing hope is that “things are never going to change”. They assume that because they are struggling, and have been struggling, that they always will.

Well if you feel that way, you might be reassured to know that even the general population is pretty terrible at anticipating how much change is going to occur in the next 10 years, let alone for the rest of their lifetime.

Since the human race, in general, can’t see change coming, perhaps those of us who have developed a negative outlook due to childhood events would do well to remember that we are probably even worse than the average person in anticipating how things are going to change for the better. Given that we are very likely the worst prognosticators of change, maybe we should hold off on making decisions because we don’t think things are going to change.

After all, if you think things are never going to change, and you choose to give up, you’ll be correct. Things won’t change, not because change doesn’t happen, but because you chose to stop making any positive changes in your life. Change happens all around us, and inside of us, every single day. We are just not very good at predicting it, or seeing it as it happens. Instead of giving in to that weakness and letting it define you, why not try to have a little faith, and try opening your eyes to the changes you have already seen in your life, or those around you? Let that be your guide as to whether change is possible.

From a post on my other blog about visiting Pearl Fryar’s Topiary Garden:

Listening to him did serve as a good reminder that you can’t stand out if you just keep doing the same thing everyone else is doing. You have to be willing to try something different, to actually BE different than everyone else. Such a valuable lesson, no matter what your chosen vocation.

I think the advice holds up, whether you want to talk about art, writing, career, or being a better person/friend. Sometimes standing out is as easy as smiling or listening, because it is different from what most people do throughout their days.

As I was working on posting some photos from our trip to New Orleans I was reminded of this phrase. Unfortunately, it is a phrase I should have taken to heart soon after our time in NOLA as opposed to just now. We all need to kick back and let the good times roll every now and again. Without some fun and enjoyment in our day to day lives, it can really all get to be too much. So go out and enjoy yourself every now and again, the work and everything else will be there when you get done!

A while ago, I was having a conversation about food, and trying to explain to someone why I didn’t like many foods. When I was a kid, medical studies had not yet shown, or gotten widely distributed, the link between second hand smoke and ear infections in children. Since I grew up in the 70s, when it seemed like just about everyone smoked, I was around an awful lot of second hand smoke. I also had a rather large number of infections as a child.

It wasn’t until just a few years ago that I discovered the damage that accompanied those ear infections. Oh, I’ve known for years about the hearing loss. I’m close to 50% deaf in one ear, if you even seem me in person you’ll notice that I normally overcome that by only holding the phone to my left ear, or leaning in from the left side in a crowded room to hear someone talking to me. But it was only later on that I discovered the studies showing the link between childhood ear infections and damaged taste buds. I always thought I was just a picky eater. I had no idea I had damaged taste buds until the one day my wife and I were discussing Sweet Tarts. She said something about liking one color over another, and I was utterly confused. Seriously, up until that point in time, I had absolutely no idea that the different colors had different flavors. They all taste exactly the same to me. I even made her close her eyes and tell me the color as I handed different colored candies to her, to prove that there was a difference. She did.

Anyway, fast forward a number of years and while talking about food, I had to explain that my “picky” tastes actually make perfect sense if you think about it. It’s not that I simply don’t want to try new things, or I am unsophisticated, food literally does not taste the same to me as it does to you. Think about it this way. Much of the exotic, or ethnic food that you love, you love because it has a combination of flavors and you love the way they work together. Now imagine, if you will, that you aren’t capable of tasting just one of those flavors, so the delicate balance that is designed to be part of the food, is completely unbalanced in your mouth. You might then find some of this food to be kind of disgusting as one flavor completely overwhelms the others. This is what I taste. This is why I tend to like simple foods.

Why do I blog about this here? Because depression and mental illness are a lot like my taste buds. If you’ve never had to deal with either, it’s easy for you to look at someone dealing with depression and say they should do this, or that, and generally just get over it. Much like all those well-meaning people who tell me that I just need to try this or that, without realizing that I am physically incapable of tasting what they taste. You can’t imagine what it’s like to have a mixture of flavors in your food and only be able to taste one or two of them. When I was suffering from depression, I was incapable of looking on the bright side, laughing, or enjoying the things that we all normally enjoy. I couldn’t feel contentment, or joy. I wasn’t physically capable of it. That “taste” was overwhelmed by the sadness and lethargy that dominated my mental palette.

Depression is an illness that blocks the ability to enjoy the things that normal people enjoy, or even the very same things you used to enjoy before the depression hit. Your friends and loved ones who are dealing with it are no more capable of “getting over it”, than I am of telling you the color of a Sweet Tart by taste.

In the wake of recent events, there will be a lot of talk of the need to do something, to convince ourselves that we can somehow stop this, or something like it, from happening again. Naturally, we will hear lots and lots about the “causes” as if we can affix blame and that will help comfort us so we can go forward feeling more comfortable about our lives.

We’ll hear a ton of people suggest that gun control is the answer, in fact we already have. We’ll here some about violent movies, violent video games, and even a few who point to the media coverage that creates glamor around the event.

What all these well meaning people will conveniently forget is that human beings have been killing each other, including in mass murders, long before there were guns, video games, movie, or any media coverage. None of those things created murder, it was already part of who we are. But we’ll try to find the magic bullet that will let us think we have fixed everything, when there is no real fix.

On the other hand, we’ll see a handful of mentions about mental health, and maybe even a few calls for making mental health services available, and that’s a good thing. The truth is we don’t know how many young men are out there with violent tendencies, or woman for that matter. Could the availability of quality mental health services have prevented what was, in truth, a glorified suicide? Would the parents have had more resources available to them when the were kids to help them avoid this point? We don’t know.

What we do know, is that whether those services are more available or not, there is one demographic that will be least likely to seek help, and the most ostracized when they do. Young males.

I don’t want this story to be about me. It’s about the victims and families and they should absolutely be the priority here. However, after prayers, thoughts, donations, and anything else that can be done for them is done, I want you to think long and hard about what it takes as a young male to seek help. I was one once. I needed help, I was self destructive and prone to destructive behavior. I wasn’t prone to hurt others as much as I was myself, but it’s a pretty thin line. I didn’t ask for help until after some bad breakdowns, when I couldn’t hide the problems any more. And yet, even when I did, I was ostracized by many of my friends. I was supposed to suck it up, be a man, and take control of my life. I was supposed to live up to my potential, not spend all my time going to therapy and being drugged.

So we can get rid of guns, video games, and only show Disney movies if you want, but until we make it easy, and acceptable, for young men to seek out and get help, and for their parents to take them to get help before they reach adulthood, there will always be a great risk of mass shootings and other violent behavior.

Of course, that conversation is a tough one, and requires us to change so many things, not the least of which is how we view masculinity and human nature. It doesn’t fit into a sound bite, or opinion piece, so we won’t be having it. We don’t want to have to think too hard, much easier to let the government pass another law that does nothing to address the real issue, but makes us feel good about doing something.

Meanwhile, another generation of young men will grow up in a society that punishes them for being different, or weak, and won’t ask for help for fear of being found out.

Update: Related thoughts from a mother of a mentally ill teen

Sometimes, when we are in the midst of dealing with the absolute worst of our issues, and trying to overcome the effects childhood abuse is having on our adult lives, the best thing anyone can do for us is give us one less thing to worry about.

Think about it, if someone you care about is struggling with finding the right anti-depressant, or going through an intense period in therapy, or even struggling with telling their family about the abuse, you can’t necessarily do much more than listen. You might find that frustrating, but it’s reality. Somethings we just need to go through on our own, and you really can’t get involved and protect us from them.

On the other hand, in the midst of those very stressful situations, sometimes we don’t have the energy to go grocery shopping, or get some laundry done, or we have to juggle appointments with picking up the kids at school, etc. Those are exactly the things you can help a survivor with. Look, there’s a reason why when someone dies, people bring food. They know that getting groceries and fixing dinner for the kids is the last thing on your mind, so they take care of that for you. They can’t fix what happened, but they can allow you to grieve without worrying about what’s for dinner. If you are close to a survivor, and see them struggling with their past, aside from being there to listen, and support them as much as you can, maybe simply taking a thing or two off their to-do list would do much more good than you can possibly imagine.

It certainly can’t hurt, and doing something is better than feeling helpless. Give it a try.