Child Abuse Survivor

I was slightly bemused when I saw that Tracie had made change the theme of September’s Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse.

Why, you ask? Because I had been thinking quite a bit about the topic of late. It’s been almost 6 months since I packed what I could fit in my car, and drove from Ohio down to South Carolina to start my new job. At that time, I knew I was going to a better job, in a brand new place, where I didn’t know anyone, and that I’d be apart from my wife for slightly more than 6 months. As I now prepare for her moving down here, looking to get out of my temporary apartment and into a more permanent place to live, I can see that this experience has not only been a big change, but it has changed me as well.

Sure, I knew this move, and the circumstances surrounding it would be a challenge. In fact, I would now say it’s been a bigger challenge than I even imagined at that time. On the other hand, I am so glad that this happened.

Oh sure, I’m glad to be in a better job, living in an area of the country that we had dreamed of moving to for years now. But it’s more than that. This experience has changed who I am in profound ways. It has challenged me to be more independent, and has given me a confidence in myself, and in my marriage, that I would not otherwise have. I now know that when big changes get thrown at me in the future, and they will, I can handle it. I know that if something causes my wife and I to be apart for a time, or our marriage gets some other challenge thrown at us, we’ll hang in there and get through it together.

Maybe the most interesting thing about these past 6 months has been learning how change is a good thing. Even negative changes can be a good thing. As survivors, most of us are fearful of any change, anything that upsets the carefully crafted, and controlled, life we’ve made to keep ourselves safe. Yet, no matter how hard we try, some things will change, and getting through those changes will only help you on your journey. So embrace the small changes, and learn from them. Let them change you.

I was attending a legal tech conference last week, as part of my day job, and I was listening to a presentation about professional leadership and something the speaker said really struck me as applicable to survivors.

She talked about how the best leaders are capable of leading themselves first. Meaning, they have the ability to see themselves as the sum of their life experiences, and understand how those experiences color their outlook and can separate the fact from fiction in that outlook, thereby making sound leadership decisions.

As she described the process of being aware of your self, your strengths, your weaknesses, it really sounded a great deal like doing a bit of therapy. It also made me very aware of the fact that because I had gone through therapy, and years of learning about how my childhood effects my view of the world, I was way ahead of the game in this regard. Most people don’t take the time to truly learn about themselves. Survivors who are truly trying to overcome and become more than victims, have no choice but to go through this process.

Does that mean that survivors make better leaders? Not necessarily, but the healing process that we go through brings with it a lot of power and skills that many people don’t bother to excel at in their every day lives. Isn’t it nice to know that all of that struggle and work will have even more benefits than you planned on?

Late last week, and over the weekend, I was having an email discussion with an online acquaintance about child abuse, and dissociative disorders when she said something that sparked further conversation. She mentioned that “everyone dissociates and for good reasons, it’s just a matter of degrees”.

That got me thinking about the coping skills we develop as children and whether anything good ever comes out of them. Certainly, in my own past, that ability to emotionally remove myself from a given situation, to no longer be “present”, helped me deal with what was happening at the time. As an adult, however, that being my only stress-coping mechanism was dangerous, because not being present in your own mental state and having access to a car leads to some bad consequences. (Hmm a week ago I was there, and it was very stressful, now where am I? lol)

It should be noted that I am talking about dissociation in a general sense, developing multiples is a form of dissociation that can be fairly common in abuse victims, but is also beyond my own experience. I never developed another personality, I simply stopped being in my own life and watched it, as if from afar, but it is an extreme form of dissociation. One that I have no experience with and thus don’t tend to write much about.

Clearly, I needed to learn better stress-management as an adult, but still dissociation is part of my normal life. As it turns out, in a technical career, sometimes it can be very beneficial to have to ability to sharply focus on the job in front of you, and ignore all other distractions. Sometimes things just need to get done, no matter what else is going on in the world. Obviously, I am exceptionally good at this.

The ability to dissociate is a powerful tool when used properly. To some degree or other, when you see an athlete able to focus and not feel the pressure of a game-winning situation, they are dissociating. The pressure, the crowd, the noise, etc.  becomes nothing as they focus on simply doing what they need to do. That’s what makes them successful. We all use this tool to get through times where intense focus is needed, or even to get through times that we simply want to get over. How many times have you simply let your mind wander away from your current situation while in a dentist chair, or doctor’s office, simply because you don’t want to be there? Do you daydream and forget where you are during a particularly dull lecture? That’s a mild form of dissociation, and a perfectly safe form. In fact, it’s a learned skill, that we all develop to one extent or another.

I’ve known some people who have an incredible ability to focus intently on their given project, (Insert random story of geeks who forget to eat, shower, sleep, etc. while working on a project. We all know someone like that!), yet it was simply a skill learned as an adult, not the leftovers of a childhood coping mechanism. Clearly, it’s not a bad thing in and of itself.

In fact, I’d say that very few of the things we did to cope as children, or learned later to help get through, are bad things in and of themselves. It’s the inability to keep them in proper perspective that gets us in trouble. Having a beer is not in itself a bad thing, having 12 because you feel sad and that’s how you stop feeling sad, probably is a bad thing.

So, as you go forward and look at your own coping mechanisms, remember that it’s not about getting rid of them completely, it’s about adding more and better tools so that you don’t have to over-rely on the one or two tools you developed as a child. Being an adult means having the proper tools available to you when you need them, it does not mean never needing any tools!

Recently, I came across this article about how common happiness boosters might actually make you feel worse, and as I read it I came to realize that really, even though some of these can be mood boosters, or stress relievers, for some people they simply aren’t.

It’s obvious from the article that the author is very aware of what works for her, and what doesn’t, even though some of things might generally be considered helpful for others. As a survivor, it reminds me that the biggest thing you can do to help yourself in your healing, is to know yourself. It’s easy for me to sit here and write about what has worked for me, or what has helped, but it might not be all that helpful for you. We’re different people, with different issues, and different responses to what happened to us as children. It would only make sense that what helps us would be somewhat different as well.

Of course, knowing yourself is a challenge for survivors. Childhood is supposed to be the time in which we develop a sense of ourselves, who we are, what sort of life we want to have, etc. Most of us were too busy simply surviving, which was no small task! Now is a good time to get to know yourself though, and develop a life that is healthy, and happy, for us.

I was pointed to this article about how the internet helps abuse survivors on Twitter a few days ago, and made a note to read it in further detail later. As I did read it, one section jumped out at me.

?The study also revealed some interesting facts and three main overriding reasons why online resources were being used. These were:

the use of online anonymity to discuss issues, often shrouded in shame, that participants find difficult to discuss face-to-face in an offline environment;

the importance of being able to connect with others that have had similar experiences to one’s own that allow one to feel less isolated, whilst still retaining a level of anonymity; and

most interestingly, and contradicting the need for anonymity, the fact that there is little or no face-to-face or offline alternative to online support as a male survivor of childhood sexual abuse

Frankly, that response struck a cord with me, and reminded me of something I had an email discussion with a friend and fellow survivor, but had decided against writing about here at the time. Years ago, when I was still doing the whole therapy and trying various things to find support locally, I had a very difficult time finding any resources that were specific to me. I had to attend a therapy group of sexual abuse survivors where I was the only male in the group. (Yes, much of the other members anger wound up being directed at me, solely because I am male. I don’t blame them, that’s where they were in their healing and they needed to be able to express that somewhere, however I do blame a system that didn’t have any other options for me. )

Over the years, I had hoped things had changed, and I think they probably have to some degree, but I’ve been reminded on a few occasions over the last year or two that resources dedicated to male survivors are still very few and far between. Locally, where I was living at the time, there were some resources dedicated to male victims of abuse, but they were run by, and designed for, the local gay community. Not being gay, those resources would still be unavailable to me. For straight men, there’s really nothing. I fear that is the case in most places, inside and outside of the USA.

Thus, I’m glad that the internet allows us all to have the resources that will assist us in our healing. The technology allows us to have a myriad of choices in our healing, and allows you to find the ones that work for you. Maybe it can even help you find people local to you to communicate with, and develop some face to face support that you might not otherwise have. Even if that doesn’t happen, online support beats no support any time, any day!

I was having an email conversation with a friend the other day. We were talking about whether making small changes, maybe even relatively superficial ones, can lead to bigger changes.

My feeling is that they absolutely can.

It’s easy to look at the big picture of our lives, and decide that doing something small won’t really matter. In the face of trying to heal from an abusive childhood, losing 10 pounds or finishing a book doesn’t seem like much. It’s not much, but it’s something. It’s a goal that is reached, an accomplishment. The more small accomplishments we get under our belts, the more our confidence grows, the more we learn and develop the small skills that will be beneficial for the larger challenges.

Being successful and accomplishing goals is a learned skill set. You don’t suddenly learn how to make a plan, stick to it, adjust as needed, and reach your goal, overnight. You spend a lifetime learning and refining those skills. Why not start with small goals instead of overwhelming yourself at the start and giving up?

If a small goal is going to make you feel good about yourself, and increase the likelihood that you’ll have the confidence and ability to make larger changes down the road, that’s hardly a superficial outcome, is it?

One of the things I, and other survivors, struggle with is change. Change creates stress, and makes us uncomfortable, and if there’s anything survivors crave, it’s the comfort of what we know. New things tend to throw us, creating uncertainty and we have learn since early ages to try and keep things as certain as we possibly can. That’s how we survived our childhoods, and that is how we function through our adult issues.

So, as I approached moving to a new place and starting a new job at the beginning of April, I was definitely challenging myself and my learned defense mechanisms. As we start the month of May though, I’ve come a long way, and have definitely grown in confidence about myself. I’m down here in South Carolina by myself, my wife hasn’t made the move down yet, my friends and family are back in Ohio, and while my in-laws are only a couple of hours away, I am in essence relying only on my own ability to take care of myself. Like many survivors, my track record in regards to taking care of myself is a mixed bag.

Given that, it feels good to know that I’m down here doing it. I know that I can do it and feel more confidence in myself and my abilities than I would had I not gone this route. Sometimes, in order to improve, you have to get outside the comfort zone. Knowing I can makes it easier to know that I can get through anything. After all, we survived our childhood, what can a little change do compared to that?

Recently, many of the people in my life have been dealing with either a loss, or the possibility of a loss of a loved one.

As I’ve heard them talk, or seen them share updates online, I’m reminded that none of us knows how many days we have to be on this earth. Nor do we know how many days we’ll have with the people who are most important to us. Most of us don’t get the chance to know ahead of time when it might be the last day we get to spend with our loved ones, our families, our friends. They are here one day, and gone the next.

Given that, why should not try to enjoy each day we have to spend with them? Why would we hold back letting them know how important they are to us? What better day than today, right now, to start building the relationships that help us on our journey, and connecting with the people who can help us? We don’t know how many days we have left, it might be just a few, it might be years and years worth.

I hope you’ll find a way to make the most out of however many you have.

While we were vacationing down in Florida this week, I heard my wife laugh in such a free, gleeful way that it actually made me jealous of her for a minute. We were riding Space Mountain, and she was seated directly behind me. As you may know, the ride is very dark, so you don’t really see much more than a few lights and you rapidly scream by, but you do hear the other riders scream, or otherwise make noise. Through the din of other riders, and the sound effects of the ride itself, I heard the unmistakable sound of my wife giggling uncontrollably.

Luckily for me, it’s a sound I hear somewhat frequently so I recognized it. I was also incredibly happy that she was having a moment of unbridled glee just then. Those are the moments that make life worthwhile, whether they occur on a thrill ride while on vacation, laughing at a favorite movie, goofing around with our loved ones, or singing our favorite song. It’s those moments when we can’t help but express our joy. I know it’s easier for her to express joy than it is for me, but I also know there have been plenty of those moments for myself as well. Moments that make all the struggling and all the pain of healing completely worthwhile. Moments when I can honestly say that I’m glad I’m alive and experiencing this moment, right now.

I know I wouldn’t trade those moments for anything, and that’s how I know all that healing work paid off.

Much as Tracie mentioned in the last Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse of 2010, I’m not much for making New Year’s resolutions. On the other hand, I find birthdays, and new year’s, to be a good time to reflect on what’s going on, and check in to make sure I’m making progress in the areas I want to make progress in, as well as just generally making sure I’m headed in the right direction.

Sometimes those check-ins can lead to making something like a resolution, but as opposed to trying to do, or not do as the case may be, something different, I like to think of it more as tweaking the plan. This weekend, as the calendar changes to 2011, it’s clear to me that 2010 has stayed pretty close to on plan. Most things I set out to do a year ago were accomplished, but some were not. Sometimes life has a way of throwing you curve balls, and you have to adjust your plans. That certainly has happened more than once in 2010 too! The important thing is to be able, at the end of 2010, look back and see the improvements made in the past year. Years with progress, whether it be on a healing journey, or just a journey of self-improvement, are good years.

Looking forward, I know there are some things coming up that are a bit out of my control. That makes it hard to really plan for them, but I am aware of them now, and will be looking forward to things changing, even if I don’t know how, exactly, those changes are going to play out just yet. But I’ll be ready for them! On the stuff that is in my control, however, there are some tweaks needed. Mostly in terms of getting back into things that have slipped a bit this year, especially toward the end of the year when life got a little bit crazy for us.

In terms of this site, I couldn’t be happier. The site now has over 350 “fans” on the Facebook page, the Twitter stream has over 400 followers and I know even more are simply stopping in to read occasionally. I cannot thank all of you enough. That tells me that, despite the ups and downs of my ability to spend time writing, there’s some good coming from it.

I’m happy with 2010, it’s been a very good year. I’m hopeful that 2011 will be as well, and I’m ready to do what I need to for that to happen. I hope that you are as well, and that at the end of 2011, you will be able to look back and see the progress and improvements you’ve made this year!