Last weekend was not only a long holiday weekend, but it was also my birthday! Our newest tradition when my birthday falls on a long weekend is to take a few days and go away in order to get away from everything. Last weekend was no different, as we drove up to Cleveland to spend a couple of days exploring the city. It was a great weekend, made even better by getting a Facebook video of my 4 year old niece signing happy birthday, and the news that my cousin had a little baby girl, on my birthday!

All in all, this birthday was very much about celebrating the good things in my life, the things that I’m very thankful for. I got to do some of the things I really enjoy, spend time with my favorite person, and my iPhone kept me up to date with the good news, and all the folks who wished me a happy birthday. That’s quite a lot to be thankful for!

You can see more photos from our Cleveland exploration at Flickr.

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I’ve been reminded of that these past couple of weeks because my wife has been traveling as part of her job. Of all the things I miss when she’s gone, (and there are plenty!) it’s the lack of touching (giving and receiving) that I feel the most acutely. You see, as much as I love the things we do together, from talking, to going places, to laughing, etc. I can sort of replace those things with my friends. Not that it’s the same, but I can get enough conversation, laughs, social events, etc. to get by while my wife is gone just by scheduling time to go to lunch with coworkers, or have dinner with friends, or go to Byrne’s Pub like I mentioned last week so that I don’t wind up spending all the time she’s away wrapped up in my own head. (Not always the safest place for me to spend extended time!)

The one thing I can’t replace is the touching aspect. Oh, I can get a hug from a female friend or two, but that’s not much to get by on at the end of the day. There’s no one to simply hold my hand when I’m stressed, or to rub my arm when I’m feeling unsettled, etc. As a married man, that type of touching seems to really be the realm of my wife, and no one else. According to the studies I’ve seen, it’s exactly that type of touch that is the most powerful. It forms a human connection that seems to provide peace and security. It’s no wonder then, that I struggle with that when my wife is away. I’m prone to get out of sorts, and unfocused. I’ve found ways to combat that, but it’s a struggle, because normally when I feel that way, there’s someone there to reassure me with a touch.

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I had planned all of that, right up until this weekend.

This weekend, we went out of town to gather with family near and far, for my grandmother’s 90th birthday celebration. As you might imagine, my grandmother was asked her advice for living a long life, and something she said put this whole idea into a far greater perspective than I could ever hope to offer. Among telling us about how she always drinks tea, eats soup, and enjoys a little chocolate every day, my grandmother also added one more thing. “And, have a good time”.

I had to smile as I thought of all the things my grandmother has had to live through in her lifetime. The Depression, wars, illnesses,  the loss of a child and a husband, but also the many weddings, births, and other celebrations that have been part of our family through the years. She’s seen more and lived through more than I will ever know, and through all of it, she manages to still find time to enjoy life. Even at 90, she can still throw out one-liners with the rest of the family, always capable of giving everyone a good laugh. (If you know that side of my family, you know that getting a word in edgewise amidst the jokes and other commentary is no small feat, at any age! I can only assume we all get that from her!)

So, as I think back to my plans to write about how important it is to have something joyful to look forward to as part of our healing, no matter how small it may be, I can’t think of a better way to explain it than to share with you the wisdom of my grandmother. Overcoming an abusive childhood is difficult, healing is hard, hard work, full of pain and anguish. If, in the midst of all of that, you can still find a way to have a good time, you are on your way to a great life, no matter how unrealistic that may seem at the moment. Keep at it, and keep enjoying what you can!

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And my outrage, justified as it is, did no one any good.

I broke one of my own rules about staying mentally healthy. I let my life be affected by something I have no power over. So, i vowed to keep an eye on the news stories, and to try my best to not support anyone who is making excuses for him, or arguing that he shouldn’t have to face justice for what he did all those years ago, but I’m not going to waste my time arguing with people who want to go online and support his freedom. After all, anyone who could possibly dismiss the rape of a 13 year old girl isn’t really worth my time and effort, and isn’t going to suddenly see the error of their ways because of something I say.

So, I’ll keep my outrage and I’ll stay aware so that if there is anything I can do, I’ll be at the ready, but then I’ll go back to living my life. I can’t decide whether Roman Polanski will be extradited to face the State of California, but I can continue to do the work I do for survivors, and continue to live my life the best way I know how. That’s the road to mental health, not the one that focuses on my anger and outrage.

It’s troubling that so many are willing to ignore what he did to that girl all those years ago, but as survivors, are we really surprised? Haven’t we all seen example after example of people who want to do the same to our own pasts? How many people would like us to be quiet and just “get over it”. How may don’t want to believe that someone they know could do this? How many simply don’t believe you? Those people aren’t part of our healing, they should simply be left behind in their own ignorance. We’ve got more important work to do than argue with them.

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It’s a fear most people have, but it seems particularly acute among the survivors I’ve known in my life. On the other hand, as I’ve gotten older, I also realize that it’s somewhat ridiculous. People change, and not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime. Sure, there are some that do, and if you happen to have a friend that remains close to you for years and years, you should cherish that. But most of them will come and go, swept in by the coincidence of time, place and interest, and swept out as any of those things change.

As I said, I was reminded of this last week, when an old friend of mine was in town and, with the help of his brother who lives here, managed to organize a sort of reunion of folks. Many in the group had graduated High School within a few years of each other, and in most cases, many were people I hadn’t really seen in years. It was great to see them, swap old stories, and get caught up on each others current lives. Then, after a few hours, I also remembered why it is that I don’t see these people more often. It’s not because of anything negative. They don’t annoy me, nor do I find them offensive in some way. I don’t at all, though I imagine there are some old acquaintances where that might be true.

No, these are perfectly good people, who don’t really have any common interests or day to day shared experiences with me any more. Yes, it was great to see them, and perhaps through the use of Facebook or other online communication tools we’ll do a better job of staying in touch, but we’ve all just sort of moved on with our lives. Some have physically moved away, some have focused their energy on raising their kids, others on being involved with a church, or their career, etc. For everyone in that room, I’m betting there’s a different reason why they’ve drifted away from many of the other folks who were there. It happens, and it’s not a bad thing. We make connections and form relationships with people as we go through our experiences with them. Sometimes, in order to go through life’s experiences, and share them with a new group of people who are going through them with us, we have to leave behind the people who aren’t sharing them with us. For example, couples who are raising their kids, gravitate toward other parents. They need to form relationships and support systems with the people who are sharing this experience with them. I’m not a parent. I’m not living the same lifestyle as someone who is. That doesn’t mean I can’t be friends with anyone who has children, but it’s one area of life where I can’t really relate. Some of the people I know, are going to leave me behind as they seek out relationships with other parents. Similarly, as I continue my work supporting abuse survivors, or building my career, I’m connecting with people who are doing the same things. Naturally, that means that I’m going to drift away from some friends who are not moving in that same direction.

It doesn’t mean I don’t like them, or I am somehow abandoning them. It simply means that my energy is being used elsewhere at this time. All relationships require work, and we don’t have an unlimited supply of energy to put into that work. We have to pick and choose where we will invest our energy, and since life is full of change, the people we will share it with on a regular basis will change right along with it. Some relationships will go on and on, others will come and go. It’s all part of living life.

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I admit that this site, and the Survivor Network, haven’t been the center of my attention for quite a while. I had to quit sending out the weekly updates to subscribers about activity on the site, because I’ve barely had enough time to look at it myself!

So, assuming things have started to calm down a bit, I should get back to having a few spare brain cycles to think about abuse issues, and that should lead to getting back to blogging, and following things on the network again. Maybe I’ll even get out some more email and twitter updates about the network. Wouldn’t that be a nice change!

On the other hand, I do find it somewhat difficult to get back into the survivor mindset. I’ve spent many years working on healing, and now it’s just not really a part of my day to day life anymore. Still, I’m sure I can manage to find something to say occasionally, so I’ll still be out here, doing my thing, and saying things when I have something to say. I hope you’ll stick around!

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This is the first time I’ve popped open my laptop since Thursday, after traveling for a family wedding, and even now I’m in Washington DC for the week to attend a conference for the day job, so I’ll have to find time to get over there an check out the post myself! Hopefully I’ll be able to do that, I know there’s always such great stuff in each carnival!

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Does Irish music not hold a deeper truth about life? That yes, it can be miserable at times, and we’ll have our share of suffering and pain, some of us more than others, but it can also be joyous, fun and full of love at the same time. There’s something to be said for a people who have suffered as much historically as the Irish, and yet continue to embrace and celebrate the good things in life. It’s a heritage I’ve come to embrace the last few years. Not just because it’s where I come from, but because it represents the hope I have for all survivors, that we’d have our pain and our suffering, and then come out the other side of healing and have plenty to celebrate. So, lift a pint, or whatever you fancy, and toast to the things that are worth celebrating in your own life!

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This past weekend being a three day holiday here in the US, not to mention also my birthday, we took advantage and took a little road trip down to Lexington, Ky. With everything that life throws at us on a day by day basis, it was very nice to get away and do something different for a few days. Instead of focusing on work, and other things we “have” to do each day, it was quite a refreshing break to simply spend a few days exploring, taking photos, and just enjoying each other’s company.

I highly recommend taking the time to enjoy today every once in awhile. It really helps to put life in perspective, and allows you to come back to the every day stuff with a renewed energy and healthy attitude!

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It didn’t take much of her poking and proding to realize that it was the latter. I was ridiculously tight in the shoulders, neck, and all the way through the ribs. That’s bad, and worse, I didn’t realize it. I know it’s not good to be that tight, and I know how much better I feel when I’m not, yet I still just got used to it the way it was and didn’t think there was even a problem.

Sounds like a metaphor for life, eh? If not life in general, certainly the life of a survivor. Sometimes we are so familiar with the pain and other affects from our past that we don’t even realize how much better life could be with some small changes. We simply get used to what we have and convince ourselves that there’s nothing really wrong.

Something to keep in mind. I know I’ll think about tonight the next time I assume my body isn’t feeling any stress during what should be a stressful time!

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