Child Abuse Survivor

I’ve always been a big fan of taking a break and having some fun, no matter where you are in your healing. Sometimes the best way to get past a particularly stressful point in your life is to step away from it for an evening, an do something for yourself.

I was reminded of that this weekend. I’m in the midst of trial prep at work, and as I’ve said on my other blog many times, trials are life-consuming events when you are getting ready to go, and during one. Even when you’re just there to setup equipment and run the presentation software, it takes a lot of time to get everything the way the attorney wants, and it’s always changing at the last minute. Hence the reason I was in the office both Saturday and Sunday.

In between, however, I took my own advice about getting away from things and having some fun. I met up with a friend to see an Irish band named the Prodigals at Byrne’s Pub here in town. Yeah, it meant there was a late night in the midst of all this work, but as nice as a long night’s sleep would have been, doing something fun for myself was more important.

I felt the same way when I was in therapy, and struggling through the most difficult times of my healing. Having some fun and laughing from time to time made a huge difference in being able to continue. I hope you’ll keep it in mind too.

I imported all the user data from the Ning network into the new home Friday and Saturday and wanted to give it a day to settle in and see if there were any problems before I made any formal announcements, but after fixing one small item this afternoon I think we’re ready.

The new home for the Survivors Network is here:

http://community.childabusesurvivor.net/

If you were a member of the Ning network, chances are you already have an account so go check you email for your username and password. (A handful off acounts did not import properly so there is a small chance you didn’t get one, but I couldn’t go through all 489 members to figure out who didn’t get imported! If you weren’t a member, or dropped your membership from there, you can register for a new account.

Things are a little bit different over there, so be sure to read the welcome message on the front page. It will help explain some things.

I look forward to developing the same sense of community on the new site that we’ve had on the Ning network, so please get involved and spread the word!

Sent this message to all members today, but wanted to post it here as well, so everyone would see it!

Pardon the interruption, but as much as I have never planned to use this broadcast message capability within Ning, I wanted everyone to be aware of what’s going on.

As some of you might have seen today, Ning has announced that they will no longer be offering the free service for social networks, which the Survivor Network has been using. (see http://news.cnet.com/8301-13577_3-20002611-36.html)

As the creator of the network, I’ve got quite a few things to consider before making a decision about what to do with this network. I can tell you that it’s unlikely I’ll be continuing it with the paid version, as I am already incurring costs for my website domain and hosting. Adding another expense on top of that might not make much sense.

Off the top of my head, I could simply ask you all to join the Facebook Fan page instead, creating a community there, but I also know that some survivors are reluctant to connect their “real” identities with a survivor group, for a variety of reasons. I tried, with the use of Ning, to offer them a place to go and still remain as anonymous as they need to be, but that option is now disappearing, so I’m going to spend some time checking in to other options and see what will work best, both for the members here, and for my own availability to build something!

Whatever I decide, I’ll be sure to send out another alert to all of you to let you know, and I’ll do it before this network disappears!

Thanks for your support, and here’s hoping we’ll be able to keep this community going, somewhere!

Mike

Just thought I would post a quick update on the Survivors Network, which continues to grow! There are now480 members, and though their participation comes and goes as life sometimes gets in the way of being online often, there’s still plenty of new discussions and posts that have been made recently.

Also, I added a new feature called NewsShare, which allows any and all members to submit links to news stories, blog posts, or any other thing they want to share with the network, in one easy step. If you haven’t been in awhile, go check it out, and if you want to share some good online reads, feel free to submit some links!

Also, I wanted to note another milestone, as the Facebook fan page for this blog went over 100 fans within the last week. Franky, that’s quite a few more than I ever thought there would be, and it’s been great connecting and hearing from some new folks over there as well. If you’re a Facebook user, check it out!

One of the more interesting quotes I have been reminded of recently is that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. As I think about my healing, I realize that much of my healing occurred after I moved from hating the people who hurt me as a child, to indifference about them. I spent much time and energy trying to prove something to them, or be more than they led me to believe I was, but I really could never do that. Not until I simply didn’t care any more about them.

That indifference freed me to work only on my behalf, for my own purposes and goals, towards my own happiness. I don;t really spend much time thinking about those people, in fact, even when they are mentioned to me, I simply don’t care at all. I’ve got my own life to live.

How about you, does reaching that point of indifference change the way you go about healing?

Wow, that turned unto quite a long title, didn’t it?

Anyway, this months edition didn’t see the same number of entries that recent editions have, probably owing to the weather getting a bit nicer and people spending a bit more time away from their computers I’d guess. However, don’t let the number fool you, there is, as always, some excellent stuff in here!

As you know, with this month being the month St. Patrick’s Day falls, and your host having quite a bit of Irish blood flowing in his veins, I wanted to focus on the way I view my Irish heritage. I’ve always considered the Irish to be a people that managed to live through their suffering by always looking forward, always willing to enjoy what they have to look forward to, and apply that to survivors. To me, having the ability to enjoy the little things in life, and having positive things to look forward to is a real key to healing, and I shared my own thoughts on the matter through the words of my grandmother in the post Family Wisdom.

Katie picked up on the theme and submitted an article she had actually written in Feb. (She was ahead of the game!) called What Makes you Happy?

Marj was also ahead of the game, submitting a post from July, 2009 entitled Helping Your Inner Child Help You along with this explanation:

I’m submitting this post for our “Surviving with Joy” theme because working with my inner child during my recovery has provided me with many little moments of joy.

Meanwhile, Issue Knitting also picked up on the theme and submitted Finding Joy, which literally made me smile as I read it!

Lastly, Paul took an interesting twist on my Irish Heritage theme, and talked about the Irish Famine Memorial in Boston, and how he relates to the struggle and the need to continue marching forward! How true, Paul!

Of course, each month the Carnival also gets plenty of great submissions in the regular categories, so please take a few moments to enjoy these as well!

Advocacy and Awareness:

Cornut32 added a post with a link to an article talking about protecting LDS church members from abuse, titled Sisters Speak: Teaching about Sexual Abuse. In it she shares the comment she made on the article about ways to teach church members about the topic. Good lessons for us all to keep in mind!

In the News:

Morrigan wrote back in Dec. about the ongoing scandals in the Catholic Church in Ireland sharing thoughts on what is going on there in Bad Apples or a Bad Barrel? Sexual Abuse and the Irish Catholic Church.

Poetry:

As far as Survivor Poetry goes this month, we had two folks send in some of their work. Robert shared a couple of haikus, every night freight trains and we turn.

Meanwhile, Rick Belden added One Day.

Survivor Stories:

Had a few folks submit stories, including at least one newcomer to the Carnival!

Growing Up Broken shared how far she has come in Looking Over your Shoulder. Good for you!

Achieving Peace sent in Surviving, Conquering and Forgiving -My Story

And, Ligeia, who learned about the Carnival recently over on the Survivors Network made her first entry into the wonderful community that has built up around this monthly carnival, What’s in a Name?

Healing and Therapy:

Saving the best, or at least most popular, category for last this month, we had a number of entries in the area of healing and therapy.

Dr. Kathleen Young contributed her thoughts in What’s Love got to Do with It? Self-love and Healing!

Patricia Singleton wrote something very similar to Dr. Young, almost creating a mini-theme for this month, in Loving Yourself First is Being Real. She also sent in a second post in this category, about Fear, which has some good information about learning to admit and acknowledge the things we fear.

Paul also added a second entry to this month’s Carnival in this category, Dissociative Identities and Healing, proving that there’s usually more than one good thing to be added to any Carnival, a note I will surely make to myself!

Lastly, but certainly not least, Mia sent in an educational article, about Color Therapy. Even though the blog isn’t a Survivor blog per se, I still found the 30 Things You Should Know about the Psychology of Color to be quite interesting, and you might too!

So that’s it! Just 18 entries this month, but all well worth taking a few moments to read! Thanks to everyone for the great writing they have submitted, and thanks to Marj for allowing me the honor to highlight just a small taste of the many great blogs written by and for curvivors out there! I hope you enjoy, and have found a new voice or two to read. I also hope that you will consider submitting your own articles for next month’s Carnival, and will continue to support this wonderful endeavor with your posts well in to the future!

I had planned to write this week about how little moments of joy can be such a huge help in our healing as survivors. I had planned to explain further why I chose my Irish heritage, and the ability to enjoy life even in the midst of horrible suffering as the theme for this month’s Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse.

I had planned all of that, right up until this weekend.

This weekend, we went out of town to gather with family near and far, for my grandmother’s 90th birthday celebration. As you might imagine, my grandmother was asked her advice for living a long life, and something she said put this whole idea into a far greater perspective than I could ever hope to offer. Among telling us about how she always drinks tea, eats soup, and enjoys a little chocolate every day, my grandmother also added one more thing. “And, have a good time”.

I had to smile as I thought of all the things my grandmother has had to live through in her lifetime. The Depression, wars, illnesses,  the loss of a child and a husband, but also the many weddings, births, and other celebrations that have been part of our family through the years. She’s seen more and lived through more than I will ever know, and through all of it, she manages to still find time to enjoy life. Even at 90, she can still throw out one-liners with the rest of the family, always capable of giving everyone a good laugh. (If you know that side of my family, you know that getting a word in edgewise amidst the jokes and other commentary is no small feat, at any age! I can only assume we all get that from her!)

So, as I think back to my plans to write about how important it is to have something joyful to look forward to as part of our healing, no matter how small it may be, I can’t think of a better way to explain it than to share with you the wisdom of my grandmother. Overcoming an abusive childhood is difficult, healing is hard, hard work, full of pain and anguish. If, in the midst of all of that, you can still find a way to have a good time, you are on your way to a great life, no matter how unrealistic that may seem at the moment. Keep at it, and keep enjoying what you can!

I’ll be hosting the March edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse later this month, and given my own Irish heritage, and this being the month we celebrate the Irish with St. Patrick’s Day, I thought it would be appropriate to make the theme of this year one that speaks to the Irish part of me.

Historically, Ireland has been a country of misery, and the Irish people have suffered oppression, famine, civil war, poverty and pretty much every kind of bad thing that can happen to people. Yet, through it all, they maintain a sense of humor and know how to have a good time! Listen to traditional Irish music, for example. The lyrics speak of a miserable existence, yet the music is upbeat, and full of rollicking fun!

I’ve always thought, as a survivor, that healing requires a little bit of that. In the midst of my worst days of trying to cope, I found that having those little moments of joy to look forward to, made it just a little bit easier. To this day, I know the quickest way to find some joy and happiness, despite whatever might be going on, is to have things I enjoy, and to be able to look forward to enjoying them!

So, as part of this month’s carnival, I’d like to add one more category to the regular categories. I want to hear about how, as a survivor, you’ve managed to find the joy in life and have a good time! We’ll call it the “Life is Grand” category, and I’ll be posting something more about why I chose that.

Of course, we will also take any and all submissions in the normal categories: Advocacy and Awareness, Aftermath, Art Therapy, Healing and Therapy, In the News, Poetry and Survivor Stories.

I’ll be publishing the carnival on Friday, March 26. (I would post it closer to St. Patrick’s Day, but that weekend is my grandmother’s 90th birthday, and I’ll be out of town celebrating that, speaking of things to look forward to enjoying!) That means, that if you want to be included in this month’s edition, you’ve got to get your submission in before the 24th at midnight EST.

This month’s theme is “birthdays”, and the carnival just keeps on growing. Looks like yet another large collection of posts!

Head over to Issue Knitting and check for yourself! It should give us plenty to read for the weekend.

This is not going to be one of my nicer posts, and some of you may get your feelings hurt, but it’s something that I see quite frequently in the survivor, and child advocate, communities that I have a real problem with.

Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that phrases like these are a way to draw attention to the very significant problem that child abuse, specifically sexual abuse, is. I’m sure that most of the people who make this claim are well-intentioned, seeking only to describe just how devastating it can be for a child to be sexually assaulted, but I would also like these folks to think a little bit more about what they say.

What’s the claim that I’m talking about? There are some slightly different connotations, but the gist of it is that child sexual abuse is a crime worse than even murder because of the damage it does to a child that lasts long into adulthood, possibly even affecting the next generation.

Here’s my problem with it. Murder is murder. If you kill someone, they are not going to recover from that. They will never experience joy, give of themselves, raise a child, or experience any of the millions of other positive things that life can bring. They are dead, their life is over. That’s all she wrote!

When we spend a lot of time talking about how child sexual abuse is even worse, what message are we sending survivors?  That they are damaged beyond all hope of repair, or that what happened to them would be less damaging if they had been murdered instead of surviving? That their lives are going to be so full of pain and despair that they would, in fact, be better off dead? That the world, including the very community that offers support to them, will always think of them as damaged, as “worse off than murder victims”? What kind of hope does that offer survivors?

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse myself, I refuse to send that message to any survivor. Every single one of you have the strength, the courage and the ability to overcome what happened, and should never give up hope. The sexual abuse of children is a horrific crime, and can do a great deal of damage to the childhood of it’s victims, but so long as we survive, and continue to breath, there is hope that our futures will be brighter than our pasts. Isn’t that the message we really want survivors to hear?