Frankly, this does sound like a common struggle for childhood abuse survivors. It also sounds a lot like some of the symptoms of being neurodivergent. So, I guess the question is, does a history of childhood maltreatment equal an increase in the likelihood of being neurodivergent? Or does this personality trait simply have a lot in common with other types of neurodivergent traits yet is caused by surviving early trauma?
ake describes the risk of these kids growing up to be people pleasers. I’d go one further. Not only did I grow up as a people pleaser, but I also had zero sense of self. Without someone to react to and to become the person they wanted me to be, I was no one. I tell people this often but I spent more time in therapy figuring out who I am than I spent trying to process childhood trauma and that was a direct result of growing up as this chameleon kid. My entire personality was based on fitting what was needed by other people, starting with my alcoholic father and the person who sexually abused me, right through to friends and my first wife. I was what I thought they wanted me to be. When my therapist started asking about what I wanted to be, I was blank. There was nothing there.
You don’t decide to get over that. It’s not impossible to heal from it but it’s going to require quite a bit more than just deciding to get over it. So maybe you’d do a lot more good supporting people through that process instead of demanding they get over it so you can feel more comfortable.
There was no gift involved in child abuse, no silver lining, and no reason for it to happen. It was abuse inflicted on me by another person. Period. That experience is part of me, but not nearly the sum of who I am. I refuse to let anyone define me that narrowly.
There are certain books that I’ve seen discussed in the survivor community so often that it can be easy to overlook them when talking about recommendations for someone starting out on their healing journey. Bessel van der Kolk’s book about healing from trauma, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in Healing Trauma, falls into that category.
