{"id":18823,"date":"2025-06-07T21:40:31","date_gmt":"2025-06-08T02:40:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.childabusesurvivor.net\/reviews\/?p=18823"},"modified":"2025-06-07T21:35:38","modified_gmt":"2025-06-08T02:35:38","slug":"sharing-the-identity-crisis-is-coming-from-inside-the-group-chat","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.childabusesurvivor.net\/reviews\/2025\/06\/07\/sharing-the-identity-crisis-is-coming-from-inside-the-group-chat\/","title":{"rendered":"Sharing &#8211; The Identity Crisis Is Coming from Inside the Group Chat"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>This statement hit me hard:<\/p>\n<blockquote><p>If you don\u2019t define yourself, the loudest people in your life will do it for you.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/seekerandsought.substack.com\/p\/the-identity-crisis-is-coming-from\">https:\/\/seekerandsought.substack.com\/p\/the-identity-crisis-is-coming-from<\/a><\/p>\n<p>I have mentioned before that the best and most challenging question my therapist asked me was what I wanted my life to be. The reason I struggled to give her an answer was that the loudest people in it had always defined my life to that point.<\/p>\n<p>As a child, I did what I was told to avoid being a problem to my alcoholic father. That included keeping the secrets of his physical abuse and the sexual abuse I was also subject to in my family, because I knew better than to upset either of them.<\/p>\n<p>In my teens, I did what was expected of me academically, joining a church youth group and allowing the church to dictate my life&#8217;s direction.<\/p>\n<p>That included getting married when I was supposed to, planning to have children, and so on.<\/p>\n<p>All that time of trying to be what the loud people around me told me to be only led to a mental health breakdown that left me alone when I couldn&#8217;t live up to those expectations.<\/p>\n<p>When my therapist asked me that question and taught me that I was the only one who could answer it, I was in my late 20s. I was lucky. Many survivors don&#8217;t learn this lesson until their 40s or 50s and spend even more time trying to appease the loudest voices around them. They don&#8217;t tell anyone about their abuse or the chaos they grew up with, and continue down the path of being defined by how other people treat them.<\/p>\n<p>Answering the question was not easy. Continuing to answer the question over the years has not always been easy. (Defining what you want your life to be is not a one-and-done task. It&#8217;s ongoing.)<\/p>\n<p>It was worth it, though. Stephanie is correct; if you don&#8217;t define yourself, other people will. It happened as a child to many of us when an abuser defined us as someone whom they could abuse; we took that lesson to heart and allowed others to keep defining us repeatedly. Some of those people may have wanted to help, some likely didn&#8217;t. It doesn&#8217;t matter. The only person who has the right to define you is you.<\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;ll ask you the question the same way she asked me those many years ago &#8211; &#8220;What do you want?&#8221; That&#8217;s it. There is nothing else to consider when answering it.<span hidden class=\"__iawmlf-post-loop-links\" data-iawmlf-links=\"[{&quot;id&quot;:58,&quot;href&quot;:&quot;https:\\\/\\\/seekerandsought.substack.com\\\/p\\\/the-identity-crisis-is-coming-from&quot;,&quot;archived_href&quot;:&quot;http:\\\/\\\/web-wp.archive.org\\\/web\\\/20251201023134\\\/https:\\\/\\\/seekerandsought.substack.com\\\/p\\\/the-identity-crisis-is-coming-from&quot;,&quot;redirect_href&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;checks&quot;:[],&quot;broken&quot;:false,&quot;last_checked&quot;:null,&quot;process&quot;:&quot;done&quot;}]\"><\/span><\/p>\n<div class=\"syndication-links\"><\/div><span class=\"kt-load-after-post\"><\/span>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>It was worth it, though. Stephanie is correct; if you don&#8217;t define yourself, other people will. It happened as a child to many of us when an abuser defined us as someone whom they could abuse; we took that lesson to heart and allowed others to keep defining us repeatedly. Some of those people may have wanted to help, some likely didn&#8217;t. It doesn&#8217;t matter. The only person who has the right to define you is you.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":5439,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"mf2_syndication":[],"_kad_post_transparent":"default","_kad_post_title":"default","_kad_post_layout":"default","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"default","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"default","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"_kad_post_classname":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"webmentions_disabled_pings":false,"webmentions_disabled":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[35],"tags":[37,17,38,92,34],"class_list":["post-18823","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-links","tag-abuse","tag-mentalhealth","tag-survivors","tag-teens","tag-therapy"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.6 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Sharing - The Identity Crisis Is Coming from Inside the Group Chat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.childabusesurvivor.net\/reviews\/2025\/06\/07\/sharing-the-identity-crisis-is-coming-from-inside-the-group-chat\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Sharing - The Identity Crisis Is Coming from Inside the Group Chat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"It was worth it, though. Stephanie is correct; if you don&#039;t define yourself, other people will. It happened as a child to many of us when an abuser defined us as someone whom they could abuse; we took that lesson to heart and allowed others to keep defining us repeatedly. Some of those people may have wanted to help, some likely didn&#039;t. It doesn&#039;t matter. The only person who has the right to define you is you.\u00a0\u00a0\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.childabusesurvivor.net\/reviews\/2025\/06\/07\/sharing-the-identity-crisis-is-coming-from-inside-the-group-chat\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Survivors News and Reviews\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/mikemac29\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/mikemac29\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2025-06-08T02:40:31+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.childabusesurvivor.net\/reviews\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/e833b80621fc003ecd0b470de7444e90fe76e6dc1cb7114195f8c4_640_question-mark-e1502074497645.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"500\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"365\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"MikeM\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@CA_Survivor\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@CA_Survivor\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"MikeM\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"2 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.childabusesurvivor.net\\\/reviews\\\/2025\\\/06\\\/07\\\/sharing-the-identity-crisis-is-coming-from-inside-the-group-chat\\\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.childabusesurvivor.net\\\/reviews\\\/2025\\\/06\\\/07\\\/sharing-the-identity-crisis-is-coming-from-inside-the-group-chat\\\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"MikeM\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.childabusesurvivor.net\\\/reviews\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/dbc4a41a301b6455b3717df14ea3533e\"},\"headline\":\"Sharing &#8211; 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