Why yes, yes, it is.
I don’t know if it’s just me or a coincidence, but it seems like a rash of tweets, Facebook comments, etc., challenging me on the idea that survivors could ever really heal. These comments are coming from survivors, too, which saddens me. Most of them seem to follow along the pattern of “these survivors will never live without the damage caused by this, and are doomed to misery for the rest of their sad existences”.
That is just not true. Yes, survivors never forget what has happened, and the past will forever be a part of us. But let’s talk about what that does not mean. It does not mean we are doomed to a miserable existence for all of our adult lives. It does not mean that we can never have happy, joyful lives. It does not mean we will never be able to develop meaningful relationships. That isn’t true. I and many other survivors have managed to accomplish those things. Yes, it’s challenging. Yes, it takes a lot of work and a lot of time. Yes, it can be a struggle to overcome the effects of our abuse, but to say that it cannot be done is an outright lie.
Here’s the thing. As I engage this response, I have found a few common themes that seem to accompany this attitude about survivors.
1. Many comments are shrouded in the theme of justice, basically that healing is impossible because justice will never be served. While I am all for justice being served, healing is not, and can not be, tied to whether or not your abuser ever gets punished. That is not healing; that is vengeance. I’m not saying you shouldn’t pursue justice, but I recognize that pursuit will not, by itself, bring you healing.
2. Another common thread is that the comments generally come from male survivors. This shows me two things: one, far too many male survivors are still taking the path of “leave me alone in my misery” instead of reaching out to the broader survivor community, and two, the broader survivor community does not do an effective job of getting the word out and making male survivors feel welcome.
3. Unfortunately, I fear that this attitude of giving up is a response to the fact that healing is hard work! It’s not easy. If it were easy, abuse wouldn’t really be a big deal. Would it? It is a big deal because the damage done is real, but it is only a life sentence if you give up trying to heal. Taking the easy way out only allows your abusers to continue to damage you long after they have any control.
So yes, healing is hard, and it takes time. After all, you didn’t get the way you were overnight. It takes everyone their entire childhood, and then some, to become the adults they later are. When that childhood development is robbed from you by abuse, you are simply getting a later start. It can be challenging to learn all the skills that make for a happy adult life and to overcome the fear that plagues us from our previous experiences.
Just because something is a challenge, though, doesn’t mean it’s impossible or not worth doing. If you are a survivor who has convinced yourself that healing isn’t possible or worth the effort, then I genuinely feel sorry for you, but you won’t find any agreement on that point here.