The other day, I was conversing with someone about my family and its different relationships. I was explaining some of the things that make it difficult for me regarding my family, and as I started talking about the person who sexually abused me as a kid, I caught myself and stopped. I explained that there were some things they probably didn’t want to hear and left it at that.
Now, this wasn’t some random acquaintance; this was a friend I’ve known for years, but I still hesitated to talk about it in any detail. I had to explain myself and say that while I had discussed it with many people and was comfortable talking about it, I wasn’t sure they necessarily wanted to hear much about it. I offered that they would be more than welcome to ask anytime they wanted to know, but I wasn’t going to require them to hear me talk about it. They responded that they’d like to discuss it someday, which was fine.
I still find it odd that I responded like that, but I realize now it wasn’t me. I don’t feel uncomfortable talking about it. I feel uncomfortable forcing others to deal with the knowledge. I know that not everyone handles it very well and that being unable to handle it very well can sometimes be embarrassing. This is just a friend, so they don’t need to know to continue being my friend, unlike my wife. The last thing I want is for this person to feel guilty about not handling it well or feel uncomfortable around me after that, so I stopped saying anything for their sake. I don’t think that was the wrong decision, but at the same time, I feel somewhat unsettled about how I should have handled it.
At the end of the day, writing here is easy. The only people who read it are people who want to know more about survivors and their stories. I can talk easily about being a survivor without fear that someone will simply wish I hadn’t told them that. In real life, it’s a bit harder to tell who would want to discuss it and who would rather not.
Tags: Survivors, Friendship, ChildAbuse, Stories