The article below focuses on the workplace, but the idea goes beyond that. Yes, work will give you just enough time to attend a wake and a funeral, then expect you back at work. (If you’re lucky.)
“”Most of the organizations I’ve worked for, it’s three days of leave when you lose an immediate family member and one day for an extended family member. And that is pretty common,” said Murfield, who co-wrote a book on why employers should extend bereavement leave titled “The ROI of Compassion,” along with her husband, Loren.
“We are woefully behind in paying attention to bereavement, unfortunately,” she said.”
It is woefully behind in understanding how death and grief work. It’s also woefully behind in understanding how much can be involved in dealing with funeral details, medical bills, insurance, estates, etc. I’ve gone through this with my parents and my wife’s parents. It’s not done in three days. Heck with all of these being out of town, 3 days didn’t really cover the funeral arrangements and other immediate details. We wound up using a good chunk of PTO with three of them happening in the same year. Luckily we at least had a job with PTO, even if that wasn’t much.
The bottom line is that with all of the details that need to get done, you don’t even really get a chance to start the grieving process for weeks. A grieving process that may take years, or the rest of your life.
While it’s easy to talk about the lack of leave from work, I want to also talk about the bereavement leave we are allowed by our friends and associates too. How many people simply expect you to be back to yourself a few weeks later as if nothing happened? It just doesn’t work that way.
Now am I advocating for months away from work or to just leave people alone for a year after losing a parent, spouse, or child? No, not at all. We actually need the support of our community, and many of us may need the escape that a workday can provide.
What I am advocating for though, is some flexibility. The space to deal with the logistical details, and then the space to grieve. The freedom to be light and fun one day, and filled with sadness the next.
It’s those days that are the challenge. Those are the days that we seem to not want to know about or deal with. Instead of offering support we secretly, or not so secretly, wish they would just get over it already. Being around them is hard, it’s a bummer. We take away the space instead of providing it because the space makes us uncomfortable.
So people who are grieving do it privately. They barely function through the workday and then go home and grieve by themselves. They are left to process grief without any community and the support that provides. They are left to feel like there is something wrong with them because they still miss their loved ones as if that is somehow not normal.
It is normal, we don’t simply forget the people we lose or the tragedies we experience and then move on. It sticks with you. You feel it again on birthdays and holidays, in places where you are reminded of them when you want to pick up the phone and tell them some exciting news. That doesn’t just go away after a set amount of time.
We should stop pretending that it should and start making sure everyone has some space to grieve, no matter how long it’s been.
https://www.businessinsider.com/bereavement-leave-asking-time-off-work-funeral-2020-5