I know that I’ve talked before about survivors not coming forward for years, and how this is especially true for men, who typically don’t disclose to anyone until their 50s. In a recent interview with People, John Stamos briefly talks about his own experience with child abuse, and I want you to pay close attention to the reasons he didn’t tell anyone until now:
At the time, Stamos “didn’t tell” anyone as he claims. “I think I told myself, like, ‘Ah, it’s girls, man.'”
“It was like you’re playing dead so they’ll stop. But it wasn’t totally aggressive,” he recalls. “I don’t know, it was not good.”
Later, when accepting an award regarding his advocacy for victims:
“And then I thought, ‘No, tonight is not about me. It’s about the kids. I’m going to pack it away again until the right moment,'” he continues. “Otherwise, I’m a phony f—. It’s like, ‘Come on.'”
He doesn’t say exactly the same thing that many other male survivors have thought and felt, but I can see it there. Consider these rephrases:
- Sexual abuse is something that happens to girls.
- It wasn’t that bad, I can handle it without talking about it.
- I don’t want that to define me and if I say anything that is all anyone will think about me.
- Saying something after all these years just makes it look like I’m lying.
Those four statements? I’ve heard over and over again from male survivors and from myself.
If you want to know why men don’t disclose, John Stamos gives us the blueprint right here. He’s writing a book about his life and didn’t want to lie about it anymore, but even now, at 60, he’s downplaying it, talking about how it’s not a big part of the book, but it’s part of his life and he wants to be honest about it.
Remember, he’s sixty years old and just now disclosing about abuse that occurred when he was 10 or 11.
That’s not a knock on John. This is quite normal for male survivors. That’s what I want you to learn from this news cycle.