If this gap feeling describes where you are in your healing, turn your gaze around from looking at the goal and how far it may be to how much further along you are on that path than you were 1, 3, or 5 years ago.
You might be surprised by how far you’ve come in that time. You might even take a moment to feel proud of yourself.
It is true. As much as you might love your partner and want to support them, there are ripple effects that impact well beyond the individual survivor. Those ripple effects are painful, and we can acknowledge that pain without diminishing the pain of being the direct victim. All of it sucks, and all of it is the fault of the abuser.
There’s no one else to blame, just a lot of people left to struggle. Let’s do what we can to support all of them.
Men need to hear these stories too. We need to know that various issues stem from being sexually violated that are similar to non-male victims and yet not the same.
Most of all, we need to understand how common male rape is and that we are not alone in being victims.
That message gets lost in all of the messages about how we are supposed to be strong and not be victims far too often, even if it is the truth.
Maybe, instead of blaming people for overreacting, we should consider for a moment why they do not feel safe. And instead of beating ourselves up for overreacting, we consider how to ground ourselves and remind ourselves of our safety when the need arises.
As survivors, our healing depends on our ability to create a life where we feel safe. That means both being in a safe place and learning to recognize that safety to get out of this constant survival mode. That mode is not sustainable. It was never meant to be a constant state of being.
Understanding this is one of the hardest things about being in a relationship, of any kind, with an abuse survivor. As a sexual abuse survivor, it has been paramount in my romantic relationships to talk openly about my experience and what things can be very difficult for me. These discussions are important because there can be things that seem very simple and routine to you that your partner does not see the same way. (For example, I don’t like to be touched until I can see the person touching me and know they are someone safe. Approaching me from behind and touching me before I’ve had a chance to “see” who I am with can be very startling to me.)
I like to think that survivors are worth the effort, and my wife has confirmed that at least our relationship is worth it. It requires honesty and openness that may be new to survivors, but it’s the only way forward.
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