There are effects of child sexual abuse that many people are not aware of. Learning about these can help former victims understand themselves better.
I wanted to share this link with everyone for the same reason they published it. If you’re a survivor, it’s good to know that some of the things you may be struggling with are the effects of what happened to you. Understanding that can help us see the possibility of healing in those areas. Also, I think it’s good to understand these impacts if you know someone who has been sexually abused. (And more of you know survivors than you might think.) This is especially true in a romantic relationship, as you see with the number of possible sexual effects that carry over into adulthood.
The last thing I want you to consider as you read the article below is that some of these effects are contradictory. For example, sexual abuse can cause hyper-arousal and sex addiction while also causing survivors not to want to be touched. Two different survivors, despite suffering from similar abuse, may have opposite reactions to that abuse, while others may have some combination of both of the contradictory effects. (For example, that same person who is hyper-aroused may also cringe at certain kinds of sexual touch.)
The point is that this list of possible effects is helpful. It will help you understand what is happening with your partner. It’s not a replacement for open conversation about the impact that an individual is dealing with. My wife and I have been married for more than 20 years, and she is familiar enough with my specific effects that we don’t talk about much now, but we did at first. I am comfortable enough with her that she doesn’t have to stop and consider whether touching me or being romantic will be triggering because it’s not. The one caveat for me is that I need to know that it is her. The reality is that sneaking up on me or touching me in certain ways in my sleep might be terrifying to me because I haven’t established in my mind who is doing that. Once I have identified her, I know I’m safe.
That’s me, though. You might differ in what you need to feel safe and what makes you feel unsafe. Your partner may have certain things that are problematic for them when it comes to sex and relationships. The key is understanding that it’s an effect of abuse, not something wrong with your current relationship. With that established, you can figure out how to work around it or go through it. I’ve seen too many romantic and non-romantic relationships come apart because the survivor is dealing with the effects of abuse while the other person is blaming them for not being as interested in the relationship as they are in the same ways.
Truly, it’s not you. It’s the abuse.