“So how is this misleadingly named curse different from recognisable grief? For a start, it can produce symptoms similar to Alzheimer’s – forgetfulness, confusion and disorientation. Making even the smallest decisions can be agonising. It can affect not just the mind but also the body – I start to stumble when I walk, or become unable to walk in a straight line. I am more clumsy and accident-prone. In depression you become, in your head, two-dimensional – like a drawing rather than a living, breathing creature. You cannot conjure your actual personality, which you can remember only vaguely, in a theoretical sense. You live in, or close to, a state of perpetual fear, although you are not sure what it is you are afraid of. The writer William Styron called it a “brainstorm”, which is much more accurate than “unhappiness”.”
It’s been awhile since I found myself really in a deep depressive episode, but I do remember well enough. And the one thing I remember more than anything was just how overwhelming EVERYTHING was. Simple acts, like dropping a dish while trying to get something to eat would leave me sitting on the ground in tears because I believed that I could never be normal, or take care of myself.
Something like holding down a job, paying my bills, or being in a relationship seemed absolutely beyond my comprehension. I did not see myself as being capable of any of that, and it was beyond just a feeling of being incapable, I was physically overwhelmed by the idea, unable to carry myself in the same way that I had.
I don’t recall being more clumsy, or stumbling, but I do recall every physical act being absolutely exhausting.
So yeah, having depression like this leaves you in a bad way. I would agree with that.