I enjoyed this clip of Henry Rollins talking about being overwhelmed by the pain and injustice he has seen in his travels.
He recognizes that he is “one guy.” He can’t possibly fix all of it, and trying to would be pointless. So he sees the opportunities where he can make a difference and hopes that more of us will try to “clean the spots” we can, as well.
And those little differences start to add up…
Imagine frowning upon someone taking ibuprofen for a headache because they should “tough it out.” Or talking about how the common cold affects people “over there” and not your group.
It’s nonsense. Yet, when it comes to talking about mental health, people start that same nonsense as if they have never had a day where they struggle with anxiety or need to take a break from the stress of day-to-day life.
I think it’s time we started looking at mental health the way Dr. Lee describes it. We all have mental health issues of some form or another, just like we all have different physical ailments at times. Stigmatizing people who need mental healthcare and being unable to provide it is a failure for all of us.
According to this clip, that’s all the time it takes to help someone in pain feel good. Eight minutes. But that’s eight minutes where you simply hold space for them, not eight minutes of you speaking or trying to “fix” them. Eight minutes of simply being with them in their pain.
The context for this quote is a handful of stories where someone felt ashamed of an event or something that they’d allowed people to believe about them that wasn’t true. Marisa goes on to talk about how when we have something we won’t discuss, it creates a separation from other people, and that separation can take away from humanness. Our interactions with other people are blocked off. We know we aren’t sharing our whole selves with the people we should be. That block can protect us from potential pain, but it also prevents us from having all the benefits of having close relationships with other humans.
Doesn’t that sound exactly like growing up keeping our abuse secret?
We grow up with shame around something that was never our fault. That shame prevents us from fully connecting with other human beings. That lack of connection harms our mental health as adults. We struggle to heal without one of the most powerful tools in our arsenal as human beings, other people. We keep our secrets and hide our shame, meaning we will never know the healing power of being accepted and loved by those who know our whole selves.
Even when there are things in the world that I do not have the power to change, I use my own words to remind myself that there are things I CAN do. I can look after the people around me. I can add my voice to support mental health, survivors, and marginalized groups. I can find ways to contribute to making the world a better place in some small ways while also encouraging others to do the same.
This also serves as a great reminder to myself that writing here about these topics is never a waste. I just found some hope by going back and reading what I wrote. Who knows who else might read these words and find a little hope too? That is another small thing I can do that is more useful than wallowing in my anxiety.
The people who helped me, and continue to help me, are the ones who will ask me questions and then just listen. They want to hear my story, even though they can’t fix it. They know that they can help by just giving me a space to tell my story, without worrying about the need to fight off their attempts at fixing something that may or may not be relevant at all to my situation. (i.e. I’m glad your cousin felt better after a walk in the forest, but that’s not what is happening here!)
So please, just listen. Make the space around you, even if it’s virtual, a safe space for your friends and loved ones to tell their stories. Find small ways to help, if you can, but also know that by just listening, just sitting with our stories, you are already helping so much.
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