The world is not, has never been, and will never be fair. Suggesting that anyone deserved illness or abuse because bad things happen to bad people is naïve. It’s a childish lie we coddle ourselves with, with no basis in reality. Survivors deserve better support than that.Â
What I was, however, during this experience, was engrossed in interacting with the animal and learning about it from the keeper. I wasn’t thinking about work, politics, or anything else, just being in the moment with my mind fully engaged in that one thing.Â
That is what is missing for many of us, and it’s absolutely leading to burnout, stress, and mental health issues.Â
I could not heal until I unlearned that my abuse was something I somehow caused. Unlearning that opened up the possibility of learning something different, namely, that I was abused because someone decided to abuse me. Did that happen overnight? Of course not! Unlearning is a process, and the more closely we identify with a belief, the more difficult it becomes to unlearn it. So many survivors learn at a very early age to keep secrets, that bad things will happen if they tell anyone.
People who’ve never had that belief drilled into their young minds wonder why victims wait decades to come forward and tell their stories. That’s why! That belief is hard to unlearn. Many of us grew up with silence being the thing that prevents the abuse from being worse. Why should we start discussing it? If you tried to tell someone as a child and got shut down, this only gets worse.Â
It’s heartbreaking to me. It’s overwhelming to consider what’s missing because we haven’t figured out a way to help those who need it the most. The loss is incalculable. I have no words to describe it. I can personalize it because I was someone at risk. I know what would be missing if I had lost that battle. I’d be missing from everything that has happened in the 30 years since. I don’t like to think about that. I can’t imagine a world where I never met my wife or many of the incredibly special people I’ve come to know over the years. I’m fortunate that it isn’t the real world, but I’m also aware of how easily it could have been. I was able to get help. I found support when needed. It wasn’t perfect, but it was enough to keep me connected to life and other people.
Please, learn about suicide prevention. Ensure that you and everyone you care about are aware of the 988 number and other local resources available to you. Learn about how you can “Change the Narrative” this year at the WSPD link above.
Personally, I struggle with mindfulness. My brain tends to move a million miles an hour in six different directions most days. On good days, I can reign it in and focus on one or two things. On bad days, well, it’s chaotic in there. A hobby like photography requires not only that I focus, but that I still my brain long enough to notice my surroundings. It’s a kind of forced mindfulness for me because I enjoy taking photos, and getting better at photography is an ongoing lesson in slowing down and paying attention.Â
What’s objectionable? Who decides that? Does an abusive parent get to decide that no one should provide any information about abuse to their kid? Do ultra-religious parents get to decide that no one should see information about LGBTQ issues or mental health medication? Do non-religious parents get to decide that no one is allowed to read the Bible online due to violent passages?Â
It appears the answer to that, at least until a court steps in to strike down this law, is yes to all of that. As the EFF points out, this isn’t just a risk to the big tech platforms. Anyone with a blog, website, social media account, etc., is subject to a civil lawsuit based on a parent not agreeing with what they post.Â
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