Sharing – The impact of non-recent child sexual abuse on the wider family

I have often said that disclosing your abuse is a very personal decision. As much as I don’t want anyone to be alone with their trauma, I also know that you need to be thoughtful about who you tell, and when. Finding out someone in your family has been abused can be a bit of chaos, as Jacqui describes:

When non-recent CSA is disclosed, family members frequently experience shock, disbelief, and confusion. The disclosure may challenge their perceptions of the abuser, particularly if the perpetrator is a trusted family member or close acquaintance. This can lead to denial or minimisation, further complicating the survivor’s path to healing.

https://www.emmottsnell.co.uk/blog/impact-of-non-recent-child-sexual-abuse-on-family

As I’ve mentioned before, I didn’t wait until my 40s or 50s to tell someone about my abuse, and my family found out about it in my 20s, primarily due to my roommate having to answer their questions about my mental health breakdown. I didn’t get to choose whether my parents found out, but I’m also thankful that he went ahead and had that difficult conversation with them. I needed them to know what happened so that they could be part of my life while I tried to heal my mental health.

On the other hand, I would be lying if I said everything in the family was great after that. It’s complicated and occasionally messy. When my parents passed away, my abuser was at the funeral. My parents kept in contact with him. How could they not? He was their child, too. I understood that, but it also meant that any conversation about him would be uncomfortable for everyone. When my younger siblings got married and had kids, I was left wondering how to explain the weirdness to adults entering this family, or when it was appropriate to answer questions about it to the children growing up in the family. We navigate it, but it’s an awkward détente that exists across all of our relationships.

I know other survivor families have not managed even that.

If you’re dealing with abuse coming to light many years later in your family. The link above is educational and might offer you some insight into how to move forward.

Good luck, and remember to always take care of yourself.