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How Shame Keeps Us Disconnected
The context for this quote is a handful of stories where someone felt ashamed of an event or something that they’d allowed people to believe about them that wasn’t true. Marisa goes on to talk about how when we have something we won’t discuss, it creates a separation from other people, and that separation can take away from humanness. Our interactions with other people are blocked off. We know we aren’t sharing our whole selves with the people we should be. That block can protect us from potential pain, but it also prevents us from having all the benefits of having close relationships with other humans.
Doesn’t that sound exactly like growing up keeping our abuse secret?
We grow up with shame around something that was never our fault. That shame prevents us from fully connecting with other human beings. That lack of connection harms our mental health as adults. We struggle to heal without one of the most powerful tools in our arsenal as human beings, other people. We keep our secrets and hide our shame, meaning we will never know the healing power of being accepted and loved by those who know our whole selves.
The Importance of Just Listening
The people who helped me, and continue to help me, are the ones who will ask me questions and then just listen. They want to hear my story, even though they can’t fix it. They know that they can help by just giving me a space to tell my story, without worrying about the need to fight off their attempts at fixing something that may or may not be relevant at all to my situation. (i.e. I’m glad your cousin felt better after a walk in the forest, but that’s not what is happening here!)Â
So please, just listen. Make the space around you, even if it’s virtual, a safe space for your friends and loved ones to tell their stories. Find small ways to help, if you can, but also know that by just listening, just sitting with our stories, you are already helping so much.
I was really touched by your story. I myself am a survivor of child abuse physical and sexual. I attempted suicide at the age of 15 & the last thing I remember before drowning myself was this man on my radio singing She Will Rise Above. I later discovered it was a song by Pearl Jam called Daughter. Their music has been my therapy for 18 1/2 years now and counting. I hope that you would be willing to share your story on my blog pjcolumbus.WordPress.com or my survivors blog youwillriseabove.WordPress.com
Thanks for courage and bravery
Danielle