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Lauren Book on Fight, Flight, or Freeze
Somehow, even though this is from 2016, I hadn’t seen it until last night. It’s a TEDx talk by survivor, and advocate Lauren Book. (https://laurenskids.org)
In it. she shares her own story, and some words about going from victim, to advocate and how we can all advocate for children, but the part that really caught my attention was the beginning, and no not just because she uses an air horn. It’s the description of our responses to trauma, and how they are just part of us, mostly outside of our control, especially as children. Lauren’s freeze response wasn’t just a one-time event either, it went on for years, and was tied to thinking that all of it was her own fault.
If this sound familiar, that’s because it is really common. We just don’t talk about it. We don’t talk about sexual abuse at all, and if we do, this kind of response is usually met with some nasty comments about why we waited to say anything. Those comments simply communicate that the person saying them, knows nothing about the brain and trauma response.
Don’t be that person. Watch and learn a thing or two.
What We Really Need is Compassion
I see this a lot in our communities as well. Again, empathy when dealing with an individual child, or supporting a loved one with a mental health struggle is great, but trying to feel the pain of all of the abuse survivors we are likely to come across in the world online, is a sure way to overwhelm yourself and burn out. I’ve seen it over and over again. Much like COVID-19, these issues are global, and huge. Trying to take on that much pain is an impossible task, and isn’t actually going to be helpful. Much better, is to develop compassion. As the guests on the show discuss, compassionate emotions push us to act. That act, helping others, does more good for them, but is also good for us. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, and shutting down, we are taking some small amount of control over the situation, and acting on it in a way to helps. We become the helpers that Mr. Rogers so famously talked about. Being a helper, makes us happier. It sets aside our own anxiety and struggle to do something, which is always a good way to move beyond those things.
So, the question may be not only what are you doing to take care of yourself during this time of great anxiety, but what are you doing to help others?
How Shame Keeps Us Disconnected
The context for this quote is a handful of stories where someone felt ashamed of an event or something that they’d allowed people to believe about them that wasn’t true. Marisa goes on to talk about how when we have something we won’t discuss, it creates a separation from other people, and that separation can take away from humanness. Our interactions with other people are blocked off. We know we aren’t sharing our whole selves with the people we should be. That block can protect us from potential pain, but it also prevents us from having all the benefits of having close relationships with other humans.
Doesn’t that sound exactly like growing up keeping our abuse secret?
We grow up with shame around something that was never our fault. That shame prevents us from fully connecting with other human beings. That lack of connection harms our mental health as adults. We struggle to heal without one of the most powerful tools in our arsenal as human beings, other people. We keep our secrets and hide our shame, meaning we will never know the healing power of being accepted and loved by those who know our whole selves.
I was really touched by your story. I myself am a survivor of child abuse physical and sexual. I attempted suicide at the age of 15 & the last thing I remember before drowning myself was this man on my radio singing She Will Rise Above. I later discovered it was a song by Pearl Jam called Daughter. Their music has been my therapy for 18 1/2 years now and counting. I hope that you would be willing to share your story on my blog pjcolumbus.WordPress.com or my survivors blog youwillriseabove.WordPress.com
Thanks for courage and bravery
Danielle