Looking forward

ByMike McBride Reading Time: 3 minutes

In thinking about depression the last few days it occurs to me that so much of the battle to overcome it is simply about looking forward instead of back. I think this is obviously the case in depression caused by an abusive childhood, or any other kind of trauma, but I think it’s also true in cases where it’s not clearly related. Depression is all about losing the ability to enjoy life, and there’s nothing more enjoyable about life than the anticipation of an upcoming event.

It seems to me the more people I meet who have suffered from depression at some point the more I can tell a difference between those that are looking forward, and those that haven’t found that yet. The one’s who are looking forward have accepted that they have to live with this disease, in some form or other, and are looking forward to what they can do with their lives now that they’ve learned that. The other group is still mourning what they’ve “lost” because of their depression.

The thing is, when you are suffering from depression, it’s simply too difficult to look ahead to anything. You don’t get any enjoyment from what you’re doing now, why should tomorrow be any different? Yet at the same time, we all, for some reason, spend time regretting that our depression is going to make use change the life we’re currently miserable in. I spent a long time mourning my first marriage when it was over, even though I was completely unhappy in it. It was only after I came to terms with the fact that being healthy was more important than not being single, was more important than any friendship I might lose because of my decisions, and would always be more important than anything else that might come along in my life, that I could then look forward. It was only after I was willing to make decisions that were healthy for me, regardless of what change that brought about in my circumstances, that my focus changed. Instead of looking back at what my life used to be, I began to look forward to the next healthy decision, no matter how small it was.

Instead of spending my time concerned with what had been, I spent my time finding things I could enjoy, and look forward to. Things as simple as watching a ball game on TV, or a trip to the library, or buying an ice cream. Choosing to do these things simply because I enjoyed them gave me a freedom I didn’t have before. It gave me a sense of responsibility for my own happiness, and my own health. It made me focus my attention to the future. To the next activity I would enjoy doing, to the next day, the next week. As I focused on the next day, I became curious about what events would occur in the future that I couldn’t plan, people I would meet, things I would learn, sights I would see. The more I allowed myself to focus on that, the less my depression had a hold on me. I was no longer stuck in my own misery, I was learning to anticipate what life had to offer, and what each day might bring.

I still have lost certain things. I have to spend more time watching myself for signs of slipping back into depression than other people do, I have to be careful about negativity and about expressing emotions in healthy ways more than other people do. Because of my past severe depression and dissociation I have to keep a close eye on things like my mental focus, how much I sleep, how much I eat, etc. to make sure I don’t slip into a bad spell like that again. Most people don’t have to do that, and I guess I could spend my time being angry about that, but who would I be hurting with that anger? I find it’s much healthier to accept that as part of my life, and continue to look forward to what my life can be, instead of looking back to what it’s not.

Technorati tags: depression, healing
Share with your friends!
BlueskyMastodonThreadsLinkedInRedditTumblrBuffer

Similar Posts

  • Holidays

    ByMike McBride Reading Time: 2 minutes

    It’s holiday time here in the US again. We’ll be traveling later today and spending Thanksgiving with the in-laws. Should be nice to spend some time down there with them. But being with family isn’t what I want to talk about today, it’s being thankful. It may not seem like, as an abuse survivor, there’s…

  • |

    Grief is Hard, and Long

    ByMike McBride Reading Time: 4 minutes

    Something else interests me about grief though and that is the grief that child abuse survivors have because it’s complicated. We aren’t grieving a person we’ve lost, we’re grieving something we never had. A safe, happy childhood or a loving parental relationship that didn’t exist. The lack of any kind of family bonds as an adult, or the inability to trust anyone. Those are things we can, and should, grieve. Often we aren’t given the chance to do that. Other people expect us to “put it behind us” because it was a long time ago. We may even convince ourselves that the best option is to suck it up and forget it, no reason to think about any of that. But, I think there’s a reason to grieve the things we didn’t have as children. They are very real losses. They have very real impacts on our brains and our emotional well-being. We can’t change it now, but we can allow ourselves the freedom to feel grief over it. It’s part of the process. 

  • |

    Why Did So Many Adults Minimize the Abuse in US Gymnastics?

    ByMike McBride Reading Time: 5 minutes

    So, when I look at a highly successful program like US gymnastics, like Penn State football, like USA Swimming, like English Youth Football, etc. I think we can clearly see this. Why be such a downer, don’t you see how much good this program, and the people in it, are doing? It’s probably nothing, just some misunderstanding by over-imaginative kids. Nothing to worry about, look at the success we are having in the field, gym, or water. That’s what this is all about. That’s the important thing. The rest of this will pass.

    Except in the case of US Gymnastics, these ladies, and dozens of others, have not simply let it pass. They have remained steadfast in talking about it, making sure they can do everything they can to make sure it doesn’t happen to the next generation and reminding all of us that winning at all costs, is not worth the damage that is done to children who are sexually abused.

    They are truly resilient, like many of us who have survived sexual abuse, and gone on to talk about it, share our own stories, and live our adult lives. But never confuse that resiliency with how hard it really is to do. Never look at a survivor who has appeared to overcome their abuse, and assume that it’s ok to diminish what happened to them. It’s never easy, and for each one who might appear to have overcome, I’ll show you 5 who are still struggling every single day. You’ll find many of them in prison, or mental health care centers. Still dealing with the aftermath of their childhood trauma without access to the same support and resources that we lucky few have had the privilege to have. Yet they are all human beings, and they were all children once, children who had to suffer at the hands of adults who were more interested in their own pleasures, comfort, and place in their society than they were to consider the damage being done to these children.

    Don’t be one of those adults. There are many ways to abuse a child. Larry Nassar did and is paying for his crimes, finally. But there were a whole lot of other adults who abused these girls, by not taking it seriously, not investigating, and not caring enough about them as human beings to protect them. Make no mistake about that.

  • Is everybody happy?

    ByMike McBride Reading Time: 3 minutes

    I got an email the other day with a sort of throw away comment that bothered me. Not so much in an offensive way, more of a “huh?”. The comment was this “My goal in life is to make everyone happy”. Now that sounds nice, and on first reading it was that sort of self-sacrificing,…

  • |

    The Many Ways We Invalidate Someone’s Story

    ByMike McBride Reading Time: 4 minutes

    We could also talk about abuse here too, and all the ways our stories all invalidated. How many of these have you heard from folks who find out about the abuse you dealt with as a child, or even as an adult:

    “You were young, you’ll get over it” (Or you don’t remember it that well)

    “Are you sure it was abuse?”

    “I can’t imagine (abuser) doing that”

    “Why didn’t you just leave?”

    “How could you have let that happen?”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

To respond on your own website, enter the URL of your response which should contain a link to this post's permalink URL. Your response will then appear (possibly after moderation) on this page. Want to update or remove your response? Update or delete your post and re-enter your post's URL again. (Find out more about Webmentions.)