Society Doesn’t Learn – Survivors Aren’t Believed

Four years ago, I wrote the following after watching the Athlete A documentary:

If your first instinct when hearing about sexual abuse, even as a rumor, is to think to yourself, “That person wouldn’t do that,” you are part of the problem. No one thought that the nice, charming doctor working with the gymnasts was a predator, and here we are now, learning there were hundreds of victims. So I have to ask, if someone told you a nice teacher of any gender, coach, neighbor, or even relative was abusing children, would your first instinct be to believe the child and seek an investigation, or remind yourself of how nice the adult is?

If it’s the latter, you have your answer for why victims don’t come forward.

Over the last week, I keep coming back to this statement in my mind because 75 million+ people in the US saw all the evidence that Trump is a sexual predator and voted for him anyway.

How many times have we heard the stories of serial sexual abusers being allowed to continue because the victims who spoke out weren’t believed? How often have we vowed to do better and believe victims when they come forward? How frequently do we question every victim who comes forward when the accused is someone we like or want to see succeed?

I’m not going to detail all of the accusations against Trump. They are well-known. We know how close he was to Jeffrey Epstein and Diddy and his publicly admitted actions toward adult women and teen pageant contestants. It’s all out there, yet so many people’s first reaction was not to believe survivors but to jump to the defense of “their guy.”

All of that evidence wasn’t enough to dissuade them.

Since last week, I have watched a situation unfold across the US that is familiar to many survivors.

Typically, we see abuse survivors not being believed by those closest to them. Survivors are then pressured to keep the peace by remaining silent about their abuse. Often, it’s because the abuser and the people around the abuser benefit from silence. They can remain convinced that they have a happy family or that the adults they care about are good people by ignoring or blaming the person who is trying to upset that world with their claims of abuse.

Then, when the survivor has enough and cuts off contact, they can’t believe it.

All over the US, Trump voters are coming face-to-face with this exact scenario. People who’ve been sexually assaulted at any time in their lives are watching their friends and families vote for a predator. (Or vote for someone who wants to invalidate their marriage, their right to exist, etc.)

Then they act shocked that we want nothing to do with them, claiming that we are letting politics ruin our relationship.

Adults get to choose who they want to interact with. No law says we must remain friends with anyone or stay in touch with our families just because we are related. Freedom of association means we get to choose who we associate with. I’m no longer interested in associating with anyone who can see all of that evidence of sexual violence and decide that it’s secondary to something else that would make them desire that person to have the most powerful position in the US.

You either don’t believe survivors, or you don’t care about sexual violence. The people in your life who have suffered that kind of violence have every right to walk away from you. I’ve seen too many survivors share some version of this online this week – the people who should have protected them from abuse and believed them when they were told about the abuse now voted for another abuser. The betrayal never ends. Why would anyone continue with that relationship?

I fear we are entering a time where fewer survivors are going to come forward. Why would they? People they have been close with have shown that they don’t care about sexual violence as much as they care about other political issues. Coming forward has never been without risk, but it’s higher now than it has been. The pressure to remain silent, especially when the abuser is a wealthy white man, will be overwhelming.

It’s disheartening to think that I’ve spent over 20 years in the online survivor community advocating that we believe survivors and act on accusations of abuse only to wind up here. This feels like we’ve gone back to the days of sexual violence being unheard of because no one would dare talk about being a victim. It’s enough to make you want to quit. I felt that way last week. As I watched my wife’s hope for women across the country leave her body while also being overwhelmingly angry at people who voted for a criminal and a rapist, I wanted to walk away and shut myself off from the world.

Instead, I stepped away for a few days and reminded myself that there will be innumerable victims of sexual abuse who can’t talk about it and need to know that they are not alone. There are growing numbers of survivors who will be losing their families and friends and need to know that they are not alone. We will all be looking for community.

If anything, the importance of staying online and continuing to talk about child abuse, sexual violence, mental health, and supporting vulnerable people is higher now than it has been in the entire time I’ve been doing this. Now is not the time to walk away; it’s the time to fight for survivors.

I intend to do just that as long as I can. If you want to continue doing that, I welcome any assistance you can give by sharing this post, the site, and future posts you think people need to read.

If this post offends you, sit with that. Don’t comment, and try to explain yourself. Please don’t come at me with arguments. I don’t care. You saw the evidence and made your choice. Choices come with consequences.