Dissociating

I read with great interest Marj’s post about feeling grief as opposed to dissociating. One, because I also was diagnosed with one of those “other” dissociative disorders, with fugue being the “major” symptom. But secondly, because my history of dissociating has been a concern of mine recently. I’m due to have some minor surgery in a couple of days, and while I know with full certainty that it’s a very simple procedure and there shouldn’t be any problems, I still have some fear and anxiety about it, mostly because I’m unsure of exactly how I will react to the situation!

The surgery is a minor procedure, truth be told I’m having a vasectomy, making our decision to not have children a permanent one. Not a major deal, but then again, as a survivor of sexual abuse, simply by virtue of the location of the procedure, it stands to be somewhat emotionally traumatic for me. Perhaps I will write about both the procedure and my difficulty with it in more detail over the weekend, after it’s over. 🙂

Unfortunately, when faced with this anxiety I have noticed myself dissociating ever so slightly. That’s not good. That’s not the healthy way to deal with this, but it is still my natural inclination. I still react to the stress the same way I always dealt with my depression, having the desire to either sleep, or just not be present in some way, until it’s all over. I’m afraid that in a small, but significant way, I haven’t been here lately while I wait for this to be over.

Which just goes to show, even after all this time some behaviors are very tough to unlearn.