This is such a great description of what the trauma of child abuse is like:
Repeated trauma is more than the trauma that happened to us. Repeated trauma is really three forms of trauma. The first aspect is the one we typically think of — what happened, the trauma that occurred, over and over. This is the trauma you can remember and name. The second form of trauma is what you did to protect yourself — the numbing, the relational isolation, the ways you organized your life and behavior to protect yourself from the trauma or any reminder of it. And the third form of trauma is what didn’t happen — the growth and development that you missed while you were surviving the trauma.
This is also a great stepping off point to think about the rest of the article too, and be encouraged that your healing is going to take some twists and turns. That’s ok. It took a lot of trauma to get here, healing and overcoming it will take time.
Give yourself that time, and treat yourself with some patience.You can get there.