When it comes to the mental health of our loved ones, there is nothing more important than ensuring we communicate our support for them. It would be a shame if they didn’t feel it because we used a lot of mental health jargon instead of having more extended conversations with them. Take the time. They are worth it.
Those who have suffered childhood trauma often have shame that we cannot place. Sometimes because our memories are foggy and we can’t place them, maybe more often because shame became part of us as we grew up. Our very development occurred in the middle of shame, so much so that we aren’t even aware of it.
It just is. It has always been and always will be.
Except that’s not correct at all.
You have to see what happened for what it is. That includes seeing that it was a decision made by someone else and not something you deserved or attracted to yourself in any way. You were a child. Your abuser made a decision to abuse you sexually. That’s the truth of it.
That is the start of healing.
Imagine your spouse going into a hospital for surgery or an injury and having no help navigating that, and also trying to take care of a 12-year-old daughter without anyone else there to take care of a meal or two or transport your kid to school and other events. That’s the reality Amy, and many other families, find themselves in because we still live in a world where we aren’t supposed to admit to having mental health issues and where those are the kinds of secrets you keep within the immediate family only.
As children in an abusive situation, we may have learned a lot of things that helped us survive that situation. Outside of that situation, as adults, however, it may be time to unlearn some of those things.
For example, we can’t learn to trust a person as an adult until we first unlearn that “fact” we took from childhood that no one was to be trusted. We can’t learn to love ourselves until we unlearn the blame and shame we took upon ourselves due to the abuse.
Child abuse can be all about shame and guilt. Because the entire world wants to believe that things are fair when we grow up, trying to square that belief with what happened to us as children naturally leads us to believe it’s our fault.
You can’t have self-compassion and also believe the abuse you suffered was your fault. We have to get past this idea that the world is fair and we get what we deserve. It’s simply not true. We have to be willing to have the same compassion for ourselves that we would have for another crime victim.
Everyone deserves to have some compassion for others and learn how to have compassion for themselves.
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