Pride

Leah asks a good question in the comments for that last post:

Why is it so hard for us (survivors) to compliment ourselves, feel good about our work and the like?! – I too have experienced this and it is frustrating.

I think a large part of the answer has to do with comfort levels. We grew up feeling bad about ourselves, not seeing value in ourselves, because of the abuse. At some point in your life, you just start to feel comfortable with that. In a way, it becomes an excuse. No one, especially ourselves, can ever place high expectations on us, because we’re damaged. There’s something wrong with us that caused this abuse to happen, or so the thinking goes. The hardest part of coming to terms with the fact that we were not the reason for the abuse, in my mind, is coming to see yourself as you really are, and having appropriate expectations.

Sometimes it’s just easier to see myself as damaged and worthless than it is to try and succeed at something. It requires a heck of a lot less effort, and I never fall short of my expectations, since there aren’t any. It’s also not much of a life.