The bad news, however, might be that almost everyone does this. So instead of connecting with each other, we are each stressing over all the things we may have done wrong when we interacted. Which isn’t great. That makes it harder to connect with other people, which has a ton of negative effects on our mental health.
We’ve spent so much time looking at lists like this one, looking for the bad people, and that is absolutely part of abuse prevention. Still, we’ve missed the boat on what might be the most significant tool in our prevention toolkit, taking the target off kids by connecting with them as parents and with other trusted adults—helping them be less vulnerable.
Kids who don’t have secrets make terrible targets for abusers. Kids with support and secure relationships aren’t easily manipulated and aren’t too eager to please adults.
We need our kids to be more of that, starting with having close relationships with the safe adults in their lives.
I think that makes sense. This is consistent with previous studies. What I want to know about, though, are the 45% who don’t have depression, the 49% who don’t have anxiety, the 75% without PTSD, and the 80% with no substance abuse issues. What was different for them? What kind of help or support was available for them as children compared to the others who did suffer from these issues? What kind of trauma were they dealing with? What kind of community did they live in? What resources were made available for them?
We know that people who are aware of the signs early, remain connected to others, and have some level of self-determination are less likely to be lost to suicide. Making and sharing a safety plan accomplishes many of those same things and provides you with a plan of action to take in the event of danger. It is a no-lose situation.
How often, as children, did we decide to “fly under the radar” and not draw attention to something that brought us happiness because that just created a target? How many of us, as adults, still live with the fear that identifying something that makes us happy only invites someone to hurt us by taking it away? Even when there is no one there to take it, we live with that fear and don’t get too attached to anything.
My hope for all of us is to find a safe place to overcome that and enjoy the things that make us happy.
Understanding this is one of the hardest things about being in a relationship, of any kind, with an abuse survivor. As a sexual abuse survivor, it has been paramount in my romantic relationships to talk openly about my experience and what things can be very difficult for me. These discussions are important because there can be things that seem very simple and routine to you that your partner does not see the same way. (For example, I don’t like to be touched until I can see the person touching me and know they are someone safe. Approaching me from behind and touching me before I’ve had a chance to “see” who I am with can be very startling to me.)
I like to think that survivors are worth the effort, and my wife has confirmed that at least our relationship is worth it. It requires honesty and openness that may be new to survivors, but it’s the only way forward.
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