My biggest epiphany in therapy was the freedom to make my own life moving forward, because I had never felt I was allowed to do so. Going back to the person I was before I was abused would not have been that.
After all, everyone is changing all the time. Trauma or not, people move forward in their lives and change. Going back isn’t a solution.
I saw this and wanted to share it because the challenge of safely escaping domestic violence is immense. So many have been unable to remove themselves from dangerous situations safely, and we don’t make it easy for victims. Chrissy Hoff is offering a free guide that might make a difference to you or someone you…
So many survivors want the answer to that first question. They want to know when this will be over and done with, but that’s not realistic. It would be like me asking when will I be “healed” from diabetes. I won’t be. My disease is something that is part of me that I have to manage. I take medicine, I watch what I eat, I don’t drink, etc. That’s not going to end. I fully understand that there is no future version of me where I don’t have to do any of those things.
Similarly, there is no future version of me that isn’t a survivor of child abuse. It happened. There is no cure I can buy that will create a version of me where I didn’t have that experience and be shaped by it. That’s not to say that I cannot have a great life, but I will always have a life impacted by those events.
I, for one, was sexually abused by an older boy. Not a stranger. Someone in my family. Many other men I know were abused by a family member, a member of the clergy, a coach, or some other trusted person known to their parents. I also went into my 20s planning to never tell anyone. I know many men go through most of their lives never planning to tell anyone. I was lucky to find other men who did talk about it, and helped me realize first that what happened to me was abuse and that someone would believe me if I spoke up.
I would argue that most men have never had that. Thus, they don’t show up in any statistics about sexual abuse. The sexual abuse of minors is chronically underreported and is likely to get worse as society continues to push victims to “move on” instead of speaking out. We need more spaces to discuss CSA, not fewer.
Post-traumatic growth can happen. Healing from any trauma can happen. It occurs more frequently when the survivor has the financial means and social support to seek help.
This is not something we do on our own. It requires resources. It requires people in our lives to be there with us through it. Ignoring survivors’ current needs and assuming that they will eventually see growth is harmful. It might just be the missing thing, preventing growth.
Thirty years later, I’ve done a lot of healing. I feel good about the life I’ve built and the people I’ve been building it with. I’ve found a way to want to continue living this life, and I’ve found ways to give back that fit into my life. What I don’t have is an exact timeline of childhood events that include all of the details of what happened to me.
It turns out I didn’t need that to get here. I have enough to know what happened. I have enough that I can share my “story” as I remember it.
That’s plenty.
