So do you like the

So do you like the new design? I thought it gave a more cozy and comfortable atmosphere to this page, and that was more appropriate for this blog than tech blog. I want to do more with this blog now, starting with finding some good links. Anyone know any blogs that deal with depression and/or abuse?

I’ve been debating whether to blog about this since it happened, but here it goes. I had dinner with a friend I hadn’t seen in about 7 years last week. This was someone who was involved with the HS ministry when I first started going to that church my junior year of HS. For those of you who don’t know, I spent about 10 years at this church, it’s where I met my first wife, where I eventually became a Bible teacher to the HS kids, and where I knew most of my friends at the time. I quit going after I had my breakdowns, realizing that the church itself, while certainly not to blame for the depression and identity disorder, was not helping me. Let’s face it, any environment in which I could easily allow others to tell me what I should be, instead of trying to be who I am, was not healthy. A church setting was almost perfect for that. On top of that, many people within the church itself had no concept of what it’s like to suffer with mental illness. They shied away from me, given off the impression that they really thought that I just needed to be more “spiritual”, and that would magically make my illness go away, and they didn’t want any part of me until I was able to do that. Lastly, after I quit attending, after the divorce, and after I took some steps to put some sort of life back together, many of these same people who professed to be my friends, were obviously uncomfortable in my presence. There were many reasons for it, some were still close to my ex-wife and couldn’t really accept me, or my current wife. Some were so involved in church-work that they had no time, or common interests with someone who does not attend their church, and some just were never going to deal well with someone who has a history of mental illness. There were a few exceptions, people who have been able to treat me as a human being and be my friend regardless, and I cherish those people more than they will ever know.

So going into dinner last week, I simply wasn’t sure what to expect. Luckily, Jeff was able to treat me well, and we had a good time. He did bring up my faith and decision to not attend any church, which I guess I expected him to do. My response? “Look, I still believe in God, and I know he loves me, I just don’t trust people or myself enough to really get involved in any church again.” It occurred to me afterward that I’ve never really expressed that before. That my problem with religion has nothing to do with God, and everything to do with people. I half-expected an argument out of it, but to my surprise he accepted my answer with a quick “Well, being involved in a church is good, but not really the main point, is it?”

All in all, it was a nice time and I’m glad we got back in touch again.