It was the stories. It was all of those people doing this in memory of someone they lost. Or, like me, in memory of the fact that we are still here instead of leaving others to tell our stories. In our day to day lives, it’s too easy to forget how many people are impacted by suicide each and every year across the country, and the world. The further in time I get away from that time in my own life, the easier it can be to put it behind me and forget about it. But, that is something I never want to do. As painful as it is, I want to remember what it was like to no longer want to be alive. When someone is in that place, I want to be able to say, “I’ve been where you are”, to recall all of the details, and be able to sit and understand. Because that is how we save people. Not by talking in hushed tones about depression, or mental illness, but by sharing the stories of people who survived and healed, and of those we’ve lost.
Let’s face it, if you spend much time considering those losses, and listening to those stories, it is impossible to walk away without realizing that we have lost a devastating number of people to this disease. Many more than some of the diseases we all gladly talk openly about every day. Yet somehow, maybe because we don’t understand it, or are afraid of it, we keep silent. After all, it might make someone uncomfortable. Even I have, at times, kept the details to myself in fear of making other people uncomfortable, or risk having them worry about me. The more I read and heard these stories though, the more I realized that I needed to share my story, if only so that anyone who reads it would know, and maybe even understand a little bit, what it’s like to be so far down into the darkness of depression, that you don’t want to live any longer. So, with that said, let me share my experience with you, now that it’s been some 25 years, and maybe now people won’t worry so much about me. (Warning, this is about to get dark, and we will talk a bit about suicide, though I will keep those exact details out)
Dan,
But I can give you credit for trying to do something, and not stopping until you found what you needed. Not everyone even starts down that road, and that’s a tragedy. On the other hand, it would be nice if people seeking help could find it easily!
Trouble over here (UK) is finding the support when you decide that you are going to do something about it, especially when trying to find a support group for CSA. When I found the support and started talking about my past sexual abuse I started to recover or learn to live with my stigma and depression, (I wasnt aware of my depression as I had drunk alcoholically for most of my adult life). It took a long time to find that support for my past CSA even though there was a servive for survivors in the same town where I live. The mental health team were not aware of this, seeing four different consultants assigned to our county as we didnt have a psychiatrist in our locality at the time, they were all locums was not all that helpful either, it was not easy to get a definate diagnoses of my PTSD, that has now been rectified. Although I no longer attend AA I still try to live by the maxim “One day at a time” – Dan
Ahh…I was beginning to think I am was the only one who thought this way. It must be our (somehow) family connection.
As a social worker, I see so many not wanting to be depressed, but not wanting to take the necessary steps to work on the depression. I don’t pretend that it is an easy road to walk, but it is so difficult to have people just complain that they want to be happy but do nothing.
We all want to be happy, but most don’t even know what that means. For some, happiness could bite them in the rear and they wouldn’t know it. People are so preoccupied with being sad that they have no peace, no joy, and no happiness.
Marie,
Maybe it’s an Irish thing if not genetic, eh? 🙂
Seriously, ever since my own dealings with social workers I’ve not wondered at all about why the burn-out rate is so high in that occupation. I’m sure for every one client that you can help, and is willing to work at it, you have plenty who are just waiting for you to “fix” things for them. That’s unfortunate, because for the folks who really need help and are willing to take it, you can be a tremendous resource.
Then there are those of us who are burdened with the ups and downs of mental illness,bipolar.Where in we have no choices in the matter and our highs lead to our lows and our lows lead right back to our highs and so on,and on…,I would love to get off the roller coaster.I survived child abuse,sexual,physical,and mental.I am in therapy,have been on medication for about 10 years and I just want you to knowsome people feel as if they don’t have any choices,you know.Even if they do it’s amazing how helpeless you can feel in side your own head.