It was the stories. It was all of those people doing this in memory of someone they lost. Or, like me, in memory of the fact that we are still here instead of leaving others to tell our stories. In our day to day lives, it’s too easy to forget how many people are impacted by suicide each and every year across the country, and the world. The further in time I get away from that time in my own life, the easier it can be to put it behind me and forget about it. But, that is something I never want to do. As painful as it is, I want to remember what it was like to no longer want to be alive. When someone is in that place, I want to be able to say, “I’ve been where you are”, to recall all of the details, and be able to sit and understand. Because that is how we save people. Not by talking in hushed tones about depression, or mental illness, but by sharing the stories of people who survived and healed, and of those we’ve lost.
Let’s face it, if you spend much time considering those losses, and listening to those stories, it is impossible to walk away without realizing that we have lost a devastating number of people to this disease. Many more than some of the diseases we all gladly talk openly about every day. Yet somehow, maybe because we don’t understand it, or are afraid of it, we keep silent. After all, it might make someone uncomfortable. Even I have, at times, kept the details to myself in fear of making other people uncomfortable, or risk having them worry about me. The more I read and heard these stories though, the more I realized that I needed to share my story, if only so that anyone who reads it would know, and maybe even understand a little bit, what it’s like to be so far down into the darkness of depression, that you don’t want to live any longer. So, with that said, let me share my experience with you, now that it’s been some 25 years, and maybe now people won’t worry so much about me. (Warning, this is about to get dark, and we will talk a bit about suicide, though I will keep those exact details out)
I know that feeling. I have had to do the same, but I am finding since I joined a local church that I don’t have to force myself much because people seek me out – that is what I am finding hard to deal with now.
I was very shy in my younger days but I’ve noticed that as long as you’re honest and open, true connection are inevitable! *hugs*
I too can relate to the the need for human interaction. I am about to come to the time of year when there is less day-to-day human interaction on the job. I have learned that during this time I need to schedule myself for optional conference calls, to utilize collegial resources and local colleagues.
Are there people to whom you can reach out and form regular lunch meetings or study groups or the like?
Leah,
That is exactly what I have to try and do, go out of my way to “catch up” with people that I never really had to initiate in quite the same way with before. It’s a struggle to find the time, and energy to do that but it is important. I’ve never been very good with initiating social contact, so maybe this is my time to improve in that area. 🙂
You can do it!