I think this sounds very familiar to me. I know that I have, over the years, had a tendency to be a bit on the side of perfectionism. I also know how that makes me focus much, much more on the one thing I get wrong, as opposed to the 99 I get right, or the one negative comment in the midst of praise, and those “failures” feed directly into my self-esteem, and create a depressed state that then feeds back into the need to be perfect.
As the article below says, it’s a vicious cycle. There’s also not one cause. They feed into each other, and you can’t really treat one without treating the other.
I couldn’t get past being a perfectionist while I was depressed, anymore than I could treat y depression and remain a perfectionist. I had to do both, and I have to continue to keep my perfectionism in check by forcing myself to listen to the praise and pay attention to my successes just as much as when I feel like I failed at something.
It’s not easy, it takes relearning the very way I think, but it can be done, and I know now to pay attention to those thoughts, and to go talk to other people who can provide a better perspective on it. That’s how I remind myself of my true worth.