Over on the Survivor Trust website, in addition to all of the other information and resources they share for survivors, they have a special section for books and memoirs written by, and for survivors. They are also open to sharing other books on the site as well.
Sound familiar? I know, for me, this is absolutely the truth, and even though I’ve done a ton of work to overcome this, and learn how to turn off this hyper vigilance, there are still times when it kicks in, like say during a pandemic.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll repeat it here. The last 16 months have forced everyone into being hyper vigilant. How do we suddenly turn that off? How exhausted are we from spending that much time constantly on the lookout for danger, and the worst case scenario?
Personally, that exhaustion goes beyond any words I have to describe it. It reminds me very much of what it was like in my 20s when I only had the life skills I learned as a kid, which were mostly just responses to abuse, not healthy ways to live as an adult.
I like the fact that they not only offer concrete things to say but also some background on how to define your own boundaries and what that means. I know for may survivors, we have to first address the core issue, the elephant in the room, before we can start the practice, so let me just go ahead and say that:
You deserve to set your own boundaries.
Full stop. Let that sink in, let it rattle around in your brain, keep reading it until you believe that about yourself.
Then, go take a look at the practical examples of doing that.
What boundaries do you struggle with? What has helped you do better at maintaining them?
None of these things is going to “fix” the stress and anxiety we are all feeling, but they can build up the resources we need to face it and go forward. Developing these skills is an important part of dealing with difficulties, and for survivors, they are also an important part of healing. The more strength you have in these areas, the better prepared you are to heal and move forward.
We often talk about the cup analogy, not being able to pour from an empty cup, but this article gives you really concrete ways to make sure your cup has something in it.
I’ve written before about the ACE studies and surveys, and if you’ve read those you know that I think everything about ACE scores needs to be taken with a grain of salt. However, until my wife shared this news article from her alma mater I had not noticed that the question about childhood sexual abuse is somewhat more specific than it should be. Apparently, Robyn Dolson noticed it too, and decided to use her thesis work investigating why, and how it impacts the results. In short, the question about sexual abuse refers to being abused by an adult or someone 5 years or older than you.
As many of us can attest, that leaves out quite a few survivors who were abused by someone in their peer, or a slightly older, group, which happens quite frequently.
As Brandy shares, processing grief can sometimes mean being angry, or feeling things about the death of a loved one that don’t always jive with how we’d want suicide reported, but these are not spokespeople, advocates, or reporters, they are people dealing with their own pain.
Maybe, if we want people to speak their truth, we need to give them the room to express it the way they feel it, not silence them in the interest of not hearing terms we don’t love.
