So yes, some of these conversations will be difficult, but believe me, the conversation with your adult kids about the abuse they suffered as children without you knowing about it, will be a lot harder. I’ve had that conversation with my parents in my 20’s. I’m sure they wished they didn’t have to have that.
If you choose to forgive, know that it is your choice, including what forgiveness means to you. I’ve talked to many survivors who have made that choice, and how they define forgiveness isn’t always the same Know, however, that it absolutely does not mean you have to now be silent and never bring it up again, and know that people who desire your silence, are not your allies.
I will agree with Roseanna about that, it’s not about forgiveness, it’s about healing.
Following the publication of the report into historical child sexual abuse and exploitation in English football, the BBC has a three part documentary.
I think this says a lot about the things we hear about survivors often. Their testimonies are riddled with muddled memories, they have a hard time not being hyper-alert all of the time, and they can often have difficulty with mood swings, and emotional outbursts.
I think it’s also important to recognize that for the last year, many of us have also been living with various amounts of trauma. COVID-19, racial and gender violence, political violence, etc, just to name a few things that we’ve all been exposed to in overwhelming fashion, and that trauma is having an impact on our brains, as we speak.
I see so many survivors stuck in a black/white perception. You’re either healed, or broken. You are strong and resilient, or you’re weak. You have a mental health problem, or you don’t.
When the truth is so much more complicated than all of that.
As I have written before, being an advocate online for me means writing, sharing information and insights, interacting with other survivors, etc. but sometimes I just can’t. Not because I’ve lost interest or don’t want to do it, but because I’m just tired of the pushback. I’m tired of having stories about male victims challenged or dismissed, tired of people in the mental health space telling me that everyone should just do what worked for them, tired of dealing with other people’s definitions of what healing looks like, or how long it should take, and on and on.
It’s all stigma, it’s all the stigma that I want to fight against, but some days it’s just exhausting. So I’d rather not talk about it.
