I’m showing all the classic signs of someone struggling with stress related disorders right now. Headaches, fatigue, jaw pain from gritting and grinding my teeth, etc. That’s not good, but at the same time, it’s something I’ve got to learn to live with.
You see the stress comes not from looking for a new job, but from the “unknown” surrounding everything. I need, and want, to find a new job. I want to broaden my search to some out-of-town areas because Angela and I want to move to one of them eventually, so why not see what possibilites are there now?
Sounds exciting doesn’t it? Yeah it’s hard work, but the potential payoff is worth it, right? That’s true, and I do feel that way, but you also have to understand that ever since I was a little kid, I’ve lived in abject fear of the unknown. Any situation that I cannot plan for in every detail is a great source of stress for me. It’s a very personal challenge right now for me to enter into a search when I can’t know how long it’s going to take, where I’m going to end up, how much money it’s going to cost me to conduct interviews out of town, and maybe eventually move out of town, or even if I’m going to make the right choice! That’s a lot of stuff that I don’t know and that I can’t really plan for. That leaves me feeling very on edge, and out of control. And while that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s something I’ve tried very hard since my illnesses to avoid.
On the other hand, it’s time to grow up and take on this responsibility as an adult. It’s time to face this challenge and come out the other side as a better person, with a better job, and start to build a future with my wife. It’s time to realize that all the abuse, and all the depression I’ve been through is in the past, and that there’s nothing wrong with taking a chance and trying to step up to this challenge. Most of all it’s time to learn how to do this without over stressing about it, or at least it’s time to learn to live with the stress I’m feeling now, knowing that the end result is worth the struggle.
Maybe it’s just time to realize that even if I make a mistake, or even if I don’t plan absolutely 100 percent correctly, that life will go on and I will still have another day to try again. There’s a feeling I’m unfamiliar with and really shouldn’t be. 🙂