posted in: Depression 0 |
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I made an interesting realization last night. It has alot to do with what’s been giving me headaches and making me feel sick and just generally making me feel unmotivated. I think it’s my own little bizarre form of Seasonal Affectation Disorder. You see, our winters have been pretty mild, up until this year, and I’ve sort of forgotten what bad weather does to me, especially driving in bad weather.

You see, the reality is, that while my wife had her panic attack about driving in snowy/icy conditions outwardly, I have been having my own but internalizing them. I’ve been feeling all the panic and lack of control that is normal when driving in those conditions, not to mention the fact that my car had been giving me problems and making me nervous about driving to begin with, but I haven’t expressed it in any way. Instead of admitting that I was stressed about the weather, and work, and looking for a new job, I simple internalized it, thereby making myself physically sick, and more likely to need to just stay in bed, where I don’t have to deal with any of it. A nice little plan, isn’t it? 🙂

I do seem to recall that most winters, especially during bad weather like we’ve had this year, I mostly feel terrible, and never really want to leave the house. In fact, I rarely do leave the house, and even then, I walked, a lot. I could be in control of walking better than I could be in control driving on snow.

So with our trip to Baltimore coming up this weekend, and my natural instinct to not go anywhere or deal with anything stressful until I don’t have to stress about the weather, something had to give! I think the stress is giving. Now that I can identify what’s causing it, I can deal logically with it and control it. I can convince myself that it’s ok to go outside again, just like I did all summer and fall. I can deal with the world, as it is, without having to resort to hiding out in my house…

Hopefully the winter is done here, and I can get back to my normal life and my regular fears. 🙂

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