Just like in sports though, sometimes it’s not about how the world works, or what mistakes we made, it’s about the other team. In our case, it’s the abuser. They did this. Healing is understanding that, and coming to grips with the fact that our lens is wrong. We’re looking at someone else’s actions and choices through a lens that only sees ourselves. We were abused, maybe when we told someone, we weren’t believed, or maybe even as adults, when we share our experiences we make others uncomfortable. But it’s not us. Other people get to make their own choices, have their own reactions, and choose who, and what, to believe.
What we need to do, is start untying other people actions and reactions, from ourselves. The abuser chose to abuse. The people who refused to help, made that choice, and the people who still don’t believe us, have their own reasons for doing that. None of it has anything to do with us, those are other people making their own choices, playing their own game. We can do everything right, live our life to the best of our abilities and still “lose” in these interactions. It happens. It doesn’t lessen us, it shows us who these other people are, and tells us about their agendas.
We learn from that, and move on. We do not blame ourselves for their agendas.
It does take developing a more mature lens to view life through, and that takes time, and work. Are you up for it? Or maybe the better question, are you tired of blaming yourself?
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I work with computers too, and I hadn’t actually made the connection (I’m a little slow that way sometimes) but I do tend to get very depressed and self-critical when things aren’t going well at work.
Thanks for the insight. I’m enjoying your blog very much. Wishing you peace…
Empowerment is a drug. It’s one of the few ‘drugs’ that I endorsefully! When you are in crisis mode and you hit that wall then through perserverance and effort burst forth, the euphoria and elation that results is ever so sweet. I tend to compare it to the reason people play golf… That one good shot that keeps you coming back for more!
– Peace Mike!
As another male who lived thru it all I can say is beware of ‘survivor’ websites with public-access forums,discussion boards or the whatnot. No real survivors there. Bunch of perps and pervs posting psychobabble nonsense about recovered memories and triggering. I’m alive and so are us all who lived thru this during childhood not because we were weak but because we were and are strong. We’d be dead,otherwise. We don’t cry in our beer. An American.
Tinfoil,
I agree that some discussion boards tend to be crap, which is why I’m leaning toward doing something like that, to do it right from the beginning. But I do think survivors need to talk about what happened, not just for your own good, but to help others see what is going on, what damage is done, etc. Being silent aout it really doesn’t do anyone any good. Not “crying in your beer” but being honest about what happened and how it’s affected your life definitely helps others as they go through the same things, at least that’s my opinion. 🙂