Holiday reading

I had reserved a copy of James Frey’s Million Little Pieces a while ago at the local library on the recommendation of a friend. This friend and I have recently had shared the experience of a mutual frined of our going into rehab and she said that it really helped her understand what was going on. It does do that, but the other thing it did for me was bring back some rather painful memories. No, I was never an addict in the same sense that James is, I can’t allow myself to be out of control enough to get drunk or get high. If anything, I’ve been more of a control addict since suffering the abuse.

But, there’s a lot in common between addiction and depression, and I saw that in this story. The self-destructive behavior and the suicide attempts. The inability to form normal relationships, using people, lying, being manipulative, etc. Instead of covering up drug or alcohol abuse, I was covering up my own sickness, my disgust with everything I did and everything I was.

Yes, I think it’s fair to say that I suffered from a form of self-abuse just as much as an addict does. I just chose to hurt myself in different ways. Reading this book gave me both a deeper understand of what my friend has been going through, but it also helped me understand myself a little bit better too, and maybe more importantly, it served as a vivd reminder of why I want to make sure I do everything I can to stay healthy.

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  1. The neglect and abuse I endured during my childhood has left me severely cracked but not broken. I am still able to hold a job (fingers crossed), love my family, etc. Its me who now abuses me. There are times when I feel as if I am not worthy of being treated well or treating myself well for that matter. I give my money away to make others feel better. I supposed because I don’t want anyone to suffer as I do. Externally, its starting to show. I used to be able to hide it with a smile or with a joking. But its too hard to do that now. These days I look at myself and I’m just disgusted. I dropped out of college 10 years ago, still haven’t returned. I smoke weed, cigarettes, drink beer and liquor. I eat terrible and I guess its because I just don’t care anymore. My girlfriends have all but written me off as a loser yet I still feel in some way I can overcome this.

    My abusive mother now lives with me. She’s too sick for me to be bitter with her. She’s HIV positive and I don’t want our days filled with arguments about the past. But internally I’ve never let go of the past. Its too hard. I know I need help and I can’t find it. I don’t think too many people want to hear a 32 year old black man talk about his feelings.

  2. Thomas,

    Keep looking and keep writing. There may not be many people who would listen to you but there are some. Your thoughts are always welcome here, and there are many support/therapy groups who would welcome you online as well as off. Just keep at it and don’t let yourself be discouraged. You’re right, you can overcome, it just takes work.

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