What Are We Unlearning from Childhood Anyway?Pin

What Are We Unlearning from Childhood Anyway?

I came across this list of 7 Lessons to Unlearn from a Toxic Childhood and How to Do It.

I wanted to share the list from the article above because I often write about the fact that many of us who grew up with an abusive childhood, didn’t learn the things we should have learned. The abuse robbed us of that education, but it also often instills in us things that we have to unlearn as well. These are all great examples of exactly the things I mean when I say that.

  • Love is conditional
  • Hide your authentic self
  • Hide your feelings
  • Emotional connection isn’t safe
  • You must be a perfectionist or people-pleaser
  • Whatever you do isn’t good enough
  • You deserve your treatment

These all ring so true to either my own experience or the experiences of other survivors I have known through the years. One of the biggest hurdles we have to clear before we can really even begin to have a semi-normal adult life is believing that the way we grew up is the way all relationships work. Even all these years later, I still have to remind myself that what I do is good enough, at home and at work. Or that it’s OK to emotionally connect with new people. It’s really difficult to unlearn those lessons from childhood, and yet it’s so freeing to realize that what happened to us, wasn’t because any of these were true. What happened to us was the result of someone else’s actions that are completely unrelated to who we are, or what we deserved.

Check out the link above, and let us know if any of the techniques mentioned, mindfulness, inner child work, etc. worked for you. I know, for example, that having a therapist who worked with me to teach me new thoughts and beliefs helped tremendously, and then being able to mindfully stay aware of all the things that I have already survived has helped me build resiliency, and in turn, take that confidence in to face unlearning the toxic beliefs. But that’s just me, what works for you might be different. That’s OK, but I hope you’ll take some time to try and do some unlearning while you’re at it.

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    So, when I look at a highly successful program like US gymnastics, like Penn State football, like USA Swimming, like English Youth Football, etc. I think we can clearly see this. Why be such a downer, don’t you see how much good this program, and the people in it, are doing? It’s probably nothing, just some misunderstanding by over-imaginative kids. Nothing to worry about, look at the success we are having in the field, gym, or water. That’s what this is all about. That’s the important thing. The rest of this will pass.

    Except in the case of US Gymnastics, these ladies, and dozens of others, have not simply let it pass. They have remained steadfast in talking about it, making sure they can do everything they can to make sure it doesn’t happen to the next generation and reminding all of us that winning at all costs, is not worth the damage that is done to children who are sexually abused.

    They are truly resilient, like many of us who have survived sexual abuse, and gone on to talk about it, share our own stories, and live our adult lives. But never confuse that resiliency with how hard it really is to do. Never look at a survivor who has appeared to overcome their abuse, and assume that it’s ok to diminish what happened to them. It’s never easy, and for each one who might appear to have overcome, I’ll show you 5 who are still struggling every single day. You’ll find many of them in prison, or mental health care centers. Still dealing with the aftermath of their childhood trauma without access to the same support and resources that we lucky few have had the privilege to have. Yet they are all human beings, and they were all children once, children who had to suffer at the hands of adults who were more interested in their own pleasures, comfort, and place in their society than they were to consider the damage being done to these children.

    Don’t be one of those adults. There are many ways to abuse a child. Larry Nassar did and is paying for his crimes, finally. But there were a whole lot of other adults who abused these girls, by not taking it seriously, not investigating, and not caring enough about them as human beings to protect them. Make no mistake about that.

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