I know that I’ve talked before about survivors not coming forward for years, and how this is especially true for men, who typically don’t disclose to anyone until their 50s. In a recent interview with People, John Stamos briefly talks about his own experience with child abuse, and I want you to pay close attention to the reasons he didn’t tell anyone until now:
Law enforcement officials don’t just want to be able to scan for CSAM. That’s the excuse to get the public to buy into mass surveillance. “It’s for the kids” is disingenuous. It’s not for the kids to them, it’s to open the door to the police, and anyone with some skill, to watch ALL of our communication and use it in any way they see fit.
Yes, that will include that cop who’s a little too friendly with the teens in the neighborhood, the one abusing his wife, or the one stalking an ex. It’ll also include officials with political leanings spying on opponents, dictators with unfettered access to all communication coming and going to their citizens, and hackers getting access to blackmail material.
All of it. Out there for anyone with the keys to see, store, and use as they see fit.
Sara explains some of the reasons why it’s hard, including how much easier it is to internalize negative feedback than a compliment and the ways in which we deflect them, much as I tried to do. She also has a few thoughts on what we should take into consideration as we try to get better at accepting compliments.
My favorite thing to consider from her list – Do you compliment yourself? Why or why not?
For many survivors, their definition of healed automatically becomes a goal that can never be reached. We should quit trying to “be the person I was before the abuse” because it’s impossible. By setting that as our pass/fail goal, we sentence ourselves to a lifetime of falling short, instead of a lifetime of celebrating the gap between where we started and where we are today. We also never find a better goal that is more realistic.
Please, take a good look at how you are defining healed. More importantly, don’t lose sight of the amount of healing and growth that you’ve already done. Be proud of it. This is your life, it’s not a pass/fail exam. It’s so much bigger than that.
I probably still loop back through some of these stages at various times, but it’s not part of my daily life anymore. Take this list as a sign to take your time and give yourself grace for how long it takes while celebrating the small victories along the way, but also know that it’s worth the time and effort. If I can find the peace and calmness that I have now, imperfect as it is, you can too.
