I think this is interesting. Obviously, during a pandemic and as survivors hugging someone else may or may not be all that realistic, but the fact that this study seems to indicate we can get similar results from self-soothing touch is an interesting idea.
Here’s the thing that I tend to forget, you don’t need to wait for an emergency to make someone feel seen, heard, and valued. In fact, we can maybe avoid more emergencies if we were in the habit of doing this. We have an opportunity to do that any time we spend time with the people we care about. But, we have to actually spend the time to do that.
I have a tendency to simply tell people that I’m here when they need me, instead of reaching out with a quick message, text, or even coffee just because.
I can’t help but wonder how many chances I’ve had to see and hear them, that I’ve missed. The holidays are, of course, a really good chance to send that text, get in touch, and remind people that you value them. You can read the article below to see just how much good that might do.
I think there maybe a couple of reasons why we fall into this. Al mentions one of the big ones, this becomes a way to avoid really facing our own issues. Since our issues are “not as bad” as someone else we can point to, this becomes our excuse to simply accept them instead of trying to work on ourselves and do the hard work of healing. Similarly, I also think this is an example where so many of us don’t see ourselves as worthy of getting better. Our issues aren’t as bad, so we don’t really deserve to get treatment, or get support, or even admit that we need it. The truth, though, is that everyone is worth being supported and getting help when necessary. There is no one in this world who has never needed any support, no matter what kinds of trauma and struggles they are having, or how bad someone else might have it.
John ends his post with an important message, one that I echo for sure because his story is something I’ve heard too many times. He talks about “reaching out” to people only to be dismissed. Being told “Oh you’re strong, you’ll get through this”, or that it’s not that serious, and then the struggle to reach out to a hotline or for professional help and be met with some short term strategies, and lack of available resources, etc. is how you “support” depression without really supporting the person in front of you dealing with depression.
Just the other day I saw someone close to me talking about spending 45 minutes just trying to figure out how to set up an appointment with a therapist through the app her insurance has set up for her through her employer, before finally giving up.
This is why we need reminders like this for the people we know, and why we need to remind the entire mental health care industry of this as well.
I have heard Shelly Tygielski’s story before. Right at the start of the pandemic, she put together a sort of community-based mutual aid organization that was designed to match people in need with people who could help. She has now written a book about that experience and shared her mindfulness teachings.
I caught an interview piece/book review over on the Time website this week and I thought this is something that really makes a lot of sense, and might be something we need to think much more openly about when we encourage people to self-care.
It’s true, there are people all around you right now who have experienced horrific traumas in their lives, and the reason you don’t know is that they don’t feel safe talking about it. They’ve lived years, even decades, with this truth, only to be met with invalidating remarks like “Why can’t you just let it go?” or “you should be over that by now”, “it wasn’t that bad”, etc.
When your trauma, the thing you are struggling to overcome, is met with that kind of response you aren’t going to rush out to talk about it, which is a shame because talking about it to people who can be validating to us is one of the best ways to actually heal from it and have it no longer dominate our daily lives.
